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Original poster

I don't know what to make of this.

127 replies

Spottypurse · 16/08/2013 20:49

DP always told me he hadn't done something.

I discovered today that he had.

It's not a bad thing, but it's really weird that he never told me.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I feel odd and rather unsettled. Like I don't know him.

OP posts:
Catnap26 · 16/08/2013 21:43
Wink
BumpKitty · 16/08/2013 21:43

My PILs have a picture of DH that looks like a graduation photo - robes and scroll etc. but it is some other qualification, I think a HNC like Tallulah said. I think I did ask him about the picture when I saw it (after laughing at the choirboy one of him next to it!) and he explained. This may be very easily explainable.

Catnap26 · 16/08/2013 21:44

I agree it could be that he has done a hnc or something like that.

CinnabarRed · 16/08/2013 21:44

Yes, I agree WNMN. A year or so isn't that long, and people have outlined possible rational explanations.

YoniBottsBumgina · 16/08/2013 21:44

Oh - well what WNMN says does sound plausible, to be fair. I hadn't thought of that.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 16/08/2013 21:45

Right. Deep breath. Will speak to him on Monday. It could be an HND I don't know.

OP posts:
SinisterSal · 16/08/2013 21:45

Or brother even.
I do think there is nothing to be concerned with, yet. Try not to let your imagination run away with you, or you won't be able to talk to him properly when you get the chance

Original poster
Spottypurse · 16/08/2013 21:45

Oh he doesn't have a twin Grin

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 16/08/2013 21:46

That you know of.... Wink

Original poster
Spottypurse · 16/08/2013 21:47

Grin could I have been shagging two men for the last year ?

OP posts:
Catnap26 · 16/08/2013 21:47

Spottypurse I don't think there is anything to worry about here,I don't think he has intentionally lied to you.good luck with the conversation on Monday and just act casual about it.keep us updated Smile

ImpulsePineapple · 16/08/2013 21:48

It's a bit odd. But my ex 'worked his way up' and at the same time did his degree at night school and one day a week at university, while working in a heavy manufacturing industry, and education was not big with his family.

He's a massive cock though and countered every argument with "I have a degree". So I was never in any doubt.

Calm down a bit and just ask him why he never mentioned it? Maybe he had a shit time at university and doesn't like to talk about that?

Original poster
Spottypurse · 16/08/2013 21:48

:) thank you all for calming me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spottypurse · 17/08/2013 14:24

Update. Went to see his sister. He did go to Uni at 18 and dropped out like he told me. (Very bad time in his life). He then bummed around for a couple of years. Went to a different Uni and did his degree. So that's the pic on the piano.

Doesn't explain why he didn't tell me that.

I shall speak to him at the beginning of the week.

OP posts:
DearPrudence · 17/08/2013 15:37

I'm really not sure what to make of this. On one level, it's a fairly trivial lie/omission but you have to wonder why he felt the need to construct an alternative history for himself. It could be that he once said it, when you were just dating and it didn't matter, and since then it's just never come up.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 17/08/2013 17:20

Right. He texted so I rang him.

Now I'm sitting here like this Confused and Hmm because he says he never told me he didn't have a degree and I've got the wrong end of the stick.

I KNOW we had a conversation on Wednesday or Thursday where I said something along the lines of "would you never think of going back" because of the A-level results coming out. But he doesn't remember that.

I'm nearly in tears. My ex used to gaslight me and deny conversations. I know we talked about it. And I know he hasn't told me before.

What is he playing at?

OP posts:
garlicagain · 17/08/2013 18:54

Okaaay. Try and take it easy. Deep breaths, a stroll round the garden or whatever grounds you in the here & now.

It is HORRIBLE to be gaslighted. I don't think the memory of feeling like you're walking on jelly ever leaves you; it's very traumatising. One after-effect of trauma is called hyper-vigilance: being super-alert to the slightest hint of things going that way again.

Now. Have there been any other things DP hasn't told you, or has altered or misrepresented? For example, when he goes to the shop, does he come back with things from the shops he said he was going to? Has he ever claimed you lied or imagined things you know were real?

If so, then perhaps your vigilance is correct and you need to re-evaluate this relationship. But, if this is the only factual mismatch you can identify, I think it's safe to put it down to general flakiness - we all flake a bit now & then. It would be a good idea to have a serious chat with him, explaining how your ex's dishonesty made you feel, and why you are very scared of lies and secrets. Make as sure as you can that he understands, and cares enough about you to prioritise honesty.

Remember YOU are in charge of what happens in your life, and you CAN trust yourself. Well done for finding out the true story, and on telling him.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 17/08/2013 19:03

Thank you so much. I was sure you would all tell me I was being daft.

I am feeling a bit shaky ice thought over the conversation and I KNOW we talked about it this past week.

OP posts:
garlicagain · 17/08/2013 19:11

Yes. You are right. Don't let "The Fear" tell you otherwise Wink

Now just test the ground with him some more, make sure he understands.

FWIW, I used to bullshit a lot (got paid for it, even!) Bullshitting is mostly harmless, though I found out the hard way what gaslighting means. Anyway, I decided to stop being a fibber but it took over a year to break the habit. During that time, I simply backtracked when I'd said something that wasn't true. I was a bit scared people would think badly of me for it, and, honestly, no-one did! Embellishing stories is pretty normal in non-abusive life, but we need to be aware of when we might hurt somebody, and take care not to cause damage.

I thought I'd mention that in case it crops up when you have the talk :)

Original poster
Spottypurse · 18/08/2013 18:34

I'm starting to get anxious. Had a heated discussion with my ex-husband because he was gas lighting me and trying to make me out to be thick, and I burst into tears and came home.

So how do I talk to DP and not make it sound like an accusation? I need to keep it light?

OP posts:
BlackAffronted · 18/08/2013 18:39

Oh how awful OP, I hate being gas lighted too. It makes you feel almost as if you are going mad. How dare he do that to you.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 18/08/2013 18:42

That's it exactly BlackAffronted (love the name). I don't understand it - and I feel like I don't know him. But. He is not my ex. He is a decent bloke. I have no other worries at all. So why lie about this?

OP posts:
deliasniff · 18/08/2013 18:54

What exactly does "being gas lighted" mean? Sorry but I haven't heard this expression before.

Original poster
Spottypurse · 18/08/2013 18:59

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting this. When someone tells you what you're remembering isn't how it happened.

OP posts:
Helenlikesjewels · 18/08/2013 19:01

He may also have failed to mention that he is married, but separated, has 4 children and is a multi-millionaire Grin