Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

[tabbycat15]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

Stick with the basics food, manage their visit as best you can without committing any additional level of spend, and then ask for money.

I don't think asking for money at the end, if that is what you meant, is a good idea. It would come as a huge shock and would seem rude - to anyone.

The issue of money needs to be made clear to them before they arrive, in very plain but polite terms.

Not read through this thread fully but I'd be tempted to force the evil inlaws to stay in a hotel and then visit you and your DH and family.

Then you won't have to ask for money or anything. Make a scene with your DH if you have to.

I wouldn't want anything to do with them personally but if they want to see their grandchildren and your husband that's fine.

Tabbycat - can I make a suggestion? Write the letter you need to write to your PIL here, on this thread. Be completely blunt. Tell them they are not welcome at your house, you will not be hosting their visit, and why this is the case. Tell them how, if they do come, they can book into a hotel. Tell them how their treatment of you, your dh and your family is abusive and you are no longer prepared to put up with it.

You can say WHATEVER you want to say - this is a safe space.

It might help you to see it all in writing - not in the sense of telling us what they have done, but saying what you want to say to them. People on this thread might be able to help you make the letter into one you can send to your PIL.

I have not been in this situation, but from what I have read on this thread and on others, I can empathise with how scary it is to confront the abusers, which is why I am suggesting do it here first, where nothing bad can happen as a result - that might make it easier for you to take the next step and send the letter to your PIL.

I also think you need to redefine how you see their behaviour. They are not stingy or unpleasant or socially phobic - they are abusers, and their behaviour is abusive. If you can see their behaviour for what it actually is, no excuses, no nicer terminologies, that might help you see what needs to be done.

Do you have any friends in the UK who would post out calpol sachets or fastmelts for you?

You can't post drugs to Australia.
Apart from that, maybe the advice to write that letter here would help you?

Thank you for telling me that, Tuppence - I didn't know and should have checked before I posted.

Don't worry! they're very strict though.

Ok, I read your first thread and am on page two of the second. I used to work for an airline. If they've booked business class tickets, they'll be able to change or cancel them with absolute ease and no charge. Fact.

Cut all contact with this evil pair. You and your DH are worth so so much more.

On this and the previous thread you have asked several times why they behave this way. There are two reasons:

1. They choose to.

2. (Some) other people choose to let them.

You can't directly change 1; you can change 2.

If you don't make it worth their while to behave like this - and at the moment you are very much making it worth their while, you are paying them to behave like this - they may decide to change 1. After all, you've seen that they don't treat everyone the same way - if people don't reward them for behaving badly, or they think they are risking something they want by behaving that way, they don't do it.

When you say 'it's to late', 'there's nothing we can do', 'they've already decided...' - you are wrong.

There is something you can do. If you want.

You can say no.

You can't afford to pay for their stay, they say they can't afford to pay you but if you look at the cost of their flights you know that is rubbish - they could downgrade to premium economy and save far more than the amount you are asking them for. So you have a choice - accept what they say and let them walk all over you as they have done for two decades, or tell them that no - you want $x up front or they can book a hotel. You are choosing to let them dictate the terms of their stay. You can make a different choice.

MiL is scared of the steam iron? Tough - she's a grown woman. Show her the iron, tell her how it works, and let her choose whether to stop being pathetic or to walk round in wrinkled clothes. You are choosing to reward her fear by doing her ironing. You can make a different choice.

Mil will hand you a bill for the items she's brought? So what? Her handing you a bill doesn't force you to hand her money. You may have chosen to do so in the past but you don't have to make the same choice in the future.

Stop pandering to them. Stop rewarding them for behaving badly.

Either they will start to behave better or they will leave.

Win-win.

LoisPudding I understood from the OP that they would like to ask for money full stop. Not just a contribution towards their upkeep while they visit.

Very difficult to ask for financial assistance if you can be perceived as recently splashing the cash on a car and a garden. If day to day living is becoming difficult, it is far better imo to demonstrate that over a few weeks and then have a conversation about the level of support given to BIL and why none of it seems to come their way.

That said, it doesn't sound like they will receive any so if it were me, I'd be sending them to a hotel. Doesn't sound like the OP and her DH will though so in my view it is more about minimising the cost of the stay as much as possible and sending them home with no intention of ever returning.

You can post drugs to Australia but not more than 3 months supply under normal dosage. And it has to be a legal drug in Australia so there are exceptions (thalidomide being an obvious exception, anabolic steroids also being very tricky) This explains it if you can get through the official language.

I know it is a tiny, tiny part of the issue, but if your MIL doesn't like the steam iron, she can empty it out, and then it won't steam. But in reality, that is just an excuse for her to be lazy and have others work their fingers to the bone for her.

I've now read both your threads.

I agree with the poster on the other thread who suggested you adopt MIL's approach and tell her as money is tight and prices are high, that you are forced to charge x dollars a week each to visitors. You are sorry that you have to do this, but are sure she will understand having had to resort to that herself in the past....

Make sure you charge a decent amount to cover the extra power, water, and food. While you're writing, point out that you will be using the car yourselves and it is not large enough to fit two extra passengers, but that they can hire one from X or Y.

Finally, you appreciate that this is an unexpected expense for them, but that Business Class travel is easily refundable and you would understand if they chose to cancel the visit altogether.

Make sure it is from DH first and foremost, so starts Dear Mum and Dad or whatever he calls them. Add your name at the end if you want to.

I don't get why suddenly OP has to charge money to these evil beings. It should never have been about charging for anything. the inlaws should just pay their way - eg food etc. Maybe OP can absorb (polite and a bit generous) some power etc costs as a gesture. But not food etc.

Chances are they won't pay up or will whinge to their DS (her DH) about how unfair OP is by charging them.

and car hire?! I think OP made a rod for her back allowing them (I think this was case) to use last time so they now think it's ok now. yes, car hire firm is way to go.

You don't want to isolate them completely and make them not come ever (as it's very long way away).

but you should compromise and by all means DO NOT run yourself ragged waiting on them hand and foot and bowing down to their needs.

would THEY put themselves out eg steam iron etc for you?? highly doubtful so just be firm. And get DH to back you up or no sex for forseeable future....

Have you read both threads, MissDD? Perhaps you should.

' And get DH to back you up or no sex for forseeable future....'

People don't honestly live like this, do they?

Yes. Sex is a reward for menz good behaviour.
Did you not know that expat?

I'd be inclined to have very noisy sex ALL THE TIME they were visiting, walk about naked and say you've turned hippy. Smoke lots of dope and play Bob Dylan on a loop. That'd get rid of the buggers

Dolly, they're nudists so they might actually stay longer if they're encouraged that way.

Tabby, whatever you decide to do, even if it's something small like making them do their own washing stick to your guns. It's your car, it's your house, it's your food, and they're your fucking sheets, and if they don't like it they stick their hands in their pockets or leave.

Bob Dylan Dollytwat? Now you are going too far, no-one deserves that....

Expat the no sex was a joke. Lol

No I haven't read both threads

Just read both posts (not responses) and yes OPs inlaws are mean, stingy, OOO etc.

Either you put up and let them walk all over you or you have it your way or they don't stay.

2 options. I know I was left waiting hand and foot on a cousins (about 5) who stayed and never again. They weren't so much ungrateful only didn't offer to help. Now anyone staying with me I either look after them (1 or more people) or they help out.

I wouldn't ask for money towards bills or food but then my relatives/friends would not stay as long as OP. I see no harm in asking for money seeing that's what happened other way round just I don't see OPs inlaws will pay.

I think Woody Guthrie (sp) would be enough to send anyone home!

Seriously Tabby 6 weeks is going to send you insane. It's just way too long especially with Christmas in there, just Christmas Day sends a lot of us over the edge.

So, I what about this for a suggestion: get the number of someone local who could change sheets, clean, iron, cook meals etc for them. Then when they want hotel type service you can give them the no and tell them they'll need to pay for it. You don't have to do it, or ask for money

Thanks everyone for your replies.
I'm not to sure about the reference to our new car & garden. We built out house 5 years ago & you don't get a back yard. We have lived with just sand outside the back if our house all this time. DH did a masters degree & we have worked hard the past 5 years to pay off his $19k student debt. Until recently I worked 3 jobs 6 days a week. I am a mobile beauty therapist & our car was 10 years old. We could finally refinance after all this time to finish our house & buy a new car but we are not well off by any means. I still work 2 jobs & we don't go out anywhere or go on holiday. I never get to treat myself to anything & go without so my kids can have things. Money is still tight as it is expensive to live here.

I need some time to go over all the replies but I do appreciate everyone's advice.

Don't worry about the weird refs to your "splashing the cash" - it's pretty obvious that's not the case.

I do like Jux's approach, to turn MIL's attitude back on her - she can hardly complain then! I still doubt you'll get any actual money out of them, but if you stick to keeping the bare minimum of food in the house, and leaving the stuff for them to do, they might get the hint.

Also, when they arrive (assuming you don't manage to put them off by pre-warning them that you're expecting them to fork out for a hire car, food and lodging), take them straight away to the laundry and show MIL how to work stuff. After all, she does it at home, how different can it be? As for the steam iron, as SDTG says, just tip the water out, problem solved. It will still work, just less efficiently.

You CAN do this, tabby - just start a thread and keep it running throughout, we'll back you all the way and help you stay strong whenever you start to weaken!

DollyTwat, the walking around naked wouldn't put these folks off as they used to be naturists.

Tabby, sadly I suspect your ILs are never going to shut up about how you are rolling in dough when they see your car and garden.

You really need to take control of this situation. Steel yourself.