Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

[tabbycat15]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

They took DS to the nudist camp even when we said no so never gave permission. He was only 3 at the time so I don't think it affected him.
I know this post seems to get worse & may come across as itight not be true but I can assure you it all is.
I just have the strangest of inlaws.

I like the caravan idea, if you can lay your hands on one.

My DH and his family used to have to stay in their caravan on the GP's drive when they visited them twice a year as the GM didn't like children in the house. One year when they arrived for a week with their young DC there was a sign on the lawn saying "keep off the lawn". Unsurprisingly my MIL does not have fond memories of her MIL.

You don't have to accept their initial dismissal of you. That doesn't have to be the last word on this subject.
You need to dust yourself off and you go back at them. If they blow you off again you send another email telling them the same thing.
'Sorry, MIL and PIL, you don't seem to have understood the problem we all face here. Unless you pay for your room and board you cannot stay with us as we cannot afford to put you up for 6 weeks. We expect a contribution of AUS$1000, and if you think you can't pay this to us in advance then you will have to make alternative arrangements for your holiday accommodation.'

What do you have to lose here?
You need to sit down and ask yourself the question:
What are all the bad things that could happen here as a result of a business-like email spelling out the reality of this situation?
Concentrate and write each bad consequence down as it occurs to you.

I think one thing might be that you yourself will be in the unfamiliar territory of taking the initiative and it will feel strange, uncontrollable, and unpredictable.
Sometimes dealing with the decisions of others and letting them take the lead feels safer, even if what they decide to do is trample all over you.

Maybe one thing you feel you have to lose is the possibility that you might somehow change them and they might somehow be nice and fair to you. You need to be firm here, let the chips fall where they may, and stop believing in fairy tales. Are you able to let go of the illusion that being The Good One will get you anywhere with these people? Are you willing to let them go and wash them out of your hair? If not why not?

You need to go through life looking forwards, not backwards. All of your posts here harken back to your childhood, your DH's childhood, things that happened 21 years ago, your wedding, explanations of what happened and what has brought you to this turn. None of that is going to bring you forward. When it comes to going forward you stall your engine and let someone else dictate the shape the future will take.

Turn around and start looking forwards. All you get from looking backwards constantly is inability to move forwards, constant bumping into things and being knocked down.

What math said. With bells on. Stop living in the past. This is now, your childrens' lives.

They pay or they do not stay at yours.

Okay, they are coming. That doesn't mean you are forced to accept them

I'm pleased you came back.

I can imagine how hard it might be to try to summon the courage to stand up to these extremely odd people but you and dh must.

There are some great suggestions here.

Imagine the look of shock on their faces when you stand firm and don't play their game.

.

What math said. You do not have to accept their refusal as final. It is YOUR house, YOUR life.

When is the trip scheduled for? Would you and DH consider counselling? A counsellor may help you take a little control of the current situation and your emotions over your earlier life.

That's amazing advice from mathanxiety. So insightful.

tabby if you search my previous threads you will see I had a few pil problems and like you we were too polite to say anything it have a massive confrontation.
Dh was still in child mode around them and never stood up to them.
This resulted in a few occasions which should have been special, being ruined by mils pushyness and over involvement.
One if my issues was them coming to stay, eating loads and even asking when dinner was etc. I was on mat leave for done of the visits then working part time, we are not skint but have to be careful. I did think they could have at least bought some milk or bread.
The catalyst was when we visited them and were fed measly meals and there was nothing to eat for the toddler. Their only grandchild.
I had to go out and buy bananas and yogurts etc
I also had to take dd1 to a cafe as we were so hungry once.
From then on I woke up.
I buy basic foods. Cheap bread and cereal. Margarine,lots if pasta, cheap meat. You get the picture.
No treats at all.
I also get out as much as I can, particularly when I can see they are sniffing for food.
If they ask where their ironing is, tell them it's on the pile and walk away.
If they say their bed needs changing, chick them some linen.
I totally understand you don't feel able to dramatically nan them from your house, but can you at least do those few things?
Think about a scenario.
Our bed needs changing.
Ok ill get you some clean sheets.
Would they actually then say
Oh but we want you to do it.
Even if they do,just don't do it.
What's the worse that can happen?
My pils face was a picture as I dished up a dry pasta bake with no accompanying bits.
It really helped me to take control.

I think OP said somewhere that ILs don't have email so it'd need to be airmail sent PDQ.

Wow OP I cannot believe your inlaws. You have had some great advice, please do take some of it . What's the worst that can happen? They already treat you with contempt and disdain. So what if they are offended? So what if they leave, or threaten not to come back? Really, so what to any reaction they might have? Be strong and if your resolve falters at all, think about what an army if MNers would say. every poster agrees you should do or say something. How rare is that for MN?

I've read most of the thread, and remember your last one.

I suggest you send them details of car hire firms. You need your car for work.

Tell them that without the $1000 they can't stay with you and give them details of alternative accommodation.

Don't shy away from reminding them that they charged you to stay with them when you were broke.

Book them into a hotel & have them billed directly. Do the bare minimum and if you are going out with them pay your own bill separately. Since they are coming for a long visit could you book them into a short term service flat as it would be cheaper than a hotel.

Make sure that you are both busy with work and have peopke visit you while they u are there. I find my SIL is very quiet when I have company around but very rude & overbearing on her own.

Treat them like they treat you but very subtly draw boundaries as you have been treated like crap anything obvious won't go down well. Book & pay for your own tickets online & say something like 'I wasn't expecting you to pay for us so we've booked/paid for our own."
If you pay for something for them then claim it back next time by saying "We paid for you last time so now it is your turn." Don't back down, it is scary but after she sees that you mean business it should get easier. Nobody has challenged her hideous behaviour, who in their right mind charges to have their gc for an afternoon. What a horrific woman. Is she elderly?

I think ledkrs advice is great. I just can't see either yourself or your DH kicking them out or booking them into a hotel, so do the most you can to minimize the impact on yourselves.

Meal-plan with the cheapest ingredients you can. Do not go out with them as you know you will end up picking up the bill. Practice some phrases if they suggest it such as "We can't afford to go out, it's too expensive for us to pay for everyone", or less confrontational " That doesn't work for us - why don't you go out and we'll see you later."

On the sheets and ironing, some great suggestions already. Please make this your line in the sand, it's utterly ridiculous that they would expect you to do their ironing. Leave a set of clean spare sheets in the corner of the room, let them know they can change the sheets when they want to and ask them to put the others in the laundry. If your MIL says she can't manage the iron, give her a demonstration, then leave her to it. If she says she still can't work it then shrug your shoulders and walk away.

I wish you hadn't asked them to get you stuff. To them anything you ask is a sign of weakness. If she hasn't already bought the stuff I'd suggest contacting them and asking them not to bother. Honestly having read your story if you tell me what you want I'll get it for you and post it out, anything rather than have you beholden to them. If they have already got it then don't mention it when they arrive. Make them be the ones to get it out and ask for payment. Decide your stance on this in advance. I sense you are not up for the fight that will ensue if you don't pay for it, so maybe just hand over the money and try to forget about it.

No free beauty treatments. Just no. She does not like you, she will not like you any more if you do this for her. Remember this. You could type up a list of prices for treatments before they arrive. If she asks for anything show it to her but say that you offer a 10% discount for friends or family ( emphasis on the or).

I really feel for you, it sounds horrible. Nasty sods. They sound really miserable.

what's the worst that can happen?

That they listen to what you say and pay up.

The best that can happen is that they are so offended they never contact you again.

Tabby, I know you've got a tight budget at the moment so please pm me your address and I'll send you a copy of Toxic Inlaws, and DH a copy of Toxic Parents - both by Susan Forward.

Fear, Obligation and Guilt - FOG - are classic signs of abusive parenting. But you can do something about this - even just being able to unpick the behaviours would help you identify some ways to react for the future, at a pace you can be comfortable with. Let me do this for you? Please?

Lots of good advice here.

I will ask you one question though - why do you get them to bring you Calpol, why don't you just use Panadol for children?
And FYI, M&S deliver to Australia for £10 P&P, which I am SURE would be a better option than getting these leeches to bring you anything.

I understand that you have your responses to these people ingrained into you after 21 years. But you can still change your response. They have zero respect for you or your DH - time to change that. Time to decide that you are worth FAR more than they think you are, and to act accordingly.

As for them making you feel uncomfortable in their current ways and responses, you need to consider how you would feel if it was your children behaving in that fashion - and respond accordingly. Be authoritative! TELL them how it's going to be, TELL them that things will be different and that they have the choice to either put up with it or move on.

Hi Thumb witch. My girls don't like Panadol here. They won't take nurofen or anything. They just don't like any medicine. DS always liked the taste of Calpol. I've asked mil to get the Calpol melts for them to try. They get bad headaches or temperatures sometimes but I have tried everything so need to see if they will like the taste.

We order from Next & M&S. I've just asked for some cheap bikinis & tops from Primark for the girls. I also like Cornsilk face powder which I can't get here.

I know we have to put our foot down so I will get DH to read the suggestions too & see which way to go.
Thank you.

Thank everyone for all your suggestions. There are too many to reply individually but I do appreciate it.

Inlaws are coming out end of Nov until 12 Jan.
Mil doesn't drive & we wouldn't trust Fil driving our car as it's brand new or a hire car.

Ah jeez, you've got them over Christmas?? That's baaad. So sorry. :(

I know but it does seem to go quick. The girls will still be at school for 3 weeks & we still have to work some of the time. DS will be finished Uni but works so we will only have one car to fit 5. There will be 6 of us so won't all be able to go out together. They don't mind sitting outside as we have just had all our back garden done & new furniture. They can just sit out there. We have a nice park around the corner too. Fil likes to go off walking for 1 1/2 he's every day so he can do that. He has a routine & doesn't like change.
Mil has done everything for him. She gets out his cereal, puts his vitamins on a spoon & puts a tea bag & milk in a cup so all he has to do is boil the kettle. If she goes away for a week all his sandwiches are made & he has a list for the week of which meal he has to put in the oven. He's never known how to work the washing machine or do any housework. They are very old school.

Well if he's that resistant to change then MIL might as well carry on the same as she does at home, eh?!

I can't be doing with people who are that self-indulgently incapable. God help him if anything happens to her before him then - my Dad and my Grandad were both widowed and had to learn how to cope with stuff they'd not done before, but neither of them were as dependent on their wives as your FIL appears to be so got on reasonably well.

"Inlaws are coming out end of Nov until 12 Jan."

Oh my god. Please listen to some of the advice on here. You are going to end up having a nervous breakdown otherwise.

Aargh Christmas.
At least you can charge more for Christmas lunch :()

Ok - so I've read both threads now.
You have known these people for over 20 yrs and both you and DH have put up with / accepted this crap for a long time. You two clearly don't do confrontation
You emigrated 11 yrs ago and have had one trip home in that time which you are still paying off as a family.
They visit every 2 yrs so I'm guessing this is their 3rd or 4th visit.
Your family income is v tight at the moment but you have recently replaced your car and relandscaped your garden.
You have three children, two small ones and a grown son who lives at home.
Your IL's are going to turn up and expect feeding and watering but otherwise behave as though they were at home, long daily walks for FIL etc.
You would like to ask them for financial assistance while at the same time avoiding a conversation about their past treatment of you.

^^this (the financial assistance) is the killer here along with the garden and car. Leaving aside their horrendous behaviour 20 yrs ago which IMO since you accepted at the time and didn't tell them to do one, you might as well disregard and treat this as a new beginning. Except you won't because you will both allow this treatment of you to continue while becoming more and more resentful during their visit. I pity your kids - you two will be in bad humour for 6 weeks !!

You've had plenty of good advice about managing the cost of having them to stay. Lets stop pretending that you are going to hand them sheets/force them to stay in a hotel/not do their ironing because after 20 yrs your behaviour is probably not going to change.

Stick with the basics food, manage their visit as best you can without committing any additional level of spend, and then ask for money.
Or
Take Control. Do all the passive aggressive stuff on here or the more direct stuff and feel much better for telling them to get stuffed. Don't expect a penny in funding.

Don't forget to mention the Black Widow spider and the mozzie problem.....