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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

269 replies

tabbycat15 · 16/08/2013 04:03

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

OP posts:
LoisPuddingLane · 20/08/2013 15:05

Dear Mom and Pop in Law

We are so looking forward to your visit and have been measuring the portions of rice to make sure there will be enough for everyone. I thought that you would like the opportunity to see the sights so we've borrowed a tandem from our neighbours for your sole use.

And don't worry about money - our children don't really need shoes that much.

Love, your Daughter in Law.

LoisPuddingLane · 20/08/2013 15:08

But seriously...the law must be laid down. They pay you for their keep or they don't come.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/08/2013 15:20

Oh Tabby, I just want to wrap you up in a big hug. You sound so down.

Would it help to break things down/ separate them out? Your childhood is one issue. The way your in laws treated you when you first married is another. Unfortunately, shit though they were, you can't do anything about them. They are in the past. The upcoming visit could be seen as something totally different. It is in the future. And, using some of the advice here, you could do things to make it better.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/08/2013 15:22

On a slightly different note, you say the counselling hasn't given you any coping strategies. Do you want some? Because lots of people have offered strategies here that you could use.

Good luck.

catsmother · 20/08/2013 18:48

Oh Tabby .... I keep thinking about you, and the dread you're so obviously feeling already in anticipation of this enforced visit. It's even worse that it's Xmas isn't it - because there's almost certainly going to be this expectation (even more so than usual) of special Christmas fare and treats isn't there ? Just to add effing insult to injury. Christmas is fraught enough for many families due to politics, "duty" and keeping everyone happy but with all the added and extremely unhealthy history in your particular family I should imagine that this visit couldn't come at a worse time. In other words, if you find it hard enough to stand up to them anyway, you're probably going to feel "guilty" at considering that this time round due to the bloody time of year.

You still haven't actually laid out what it is that's preventing you and your DH from tackling this further, laying it absolutely on the line and TELLING them what will and what won't be tolerated. What is it that you fear might happen if you do this ? Please try to put your fears into words - because I'm sure we can all support you and explain why the various resulting scenarios need not be something to be frightened of.

Ponders · 20/08/2013 20:59

I bet they won't even bring Christmas presents for the kids Angry

Crumbledwalnuts · 20/08/2013 22:14

God Tabby nothing worse can happen to you than is happening to you now.

Any change will be an improvement. Is it going to come from them? No, of course not. Is it going to come from you?

If you are so desperate for family ties that you will put up with this then there's nothing anyone can do or say to change your mind. You've decided this is what you want.

Original poster
tabbycat15 · 21/08/2013 03:22

Thanks everyone.
I will get the books as suggested. I can't afford any more counselling as we have to be referred by a Dr. You only get a set number of sessions per year on our Medicare but you have to pay a gap fee. Any sessions over that you have to pay full price which is $150 a time. I haven't had nlp counselling.
With regards to coping strategies I meant more with how to deal with my childhood/ depression not directly with the inlaw's. It seems I go to a session, tell them everything & cry then I get to a point where I just don't get anything out of the session. No one has done any actual work with me. The crux of my issues is my childhood, inlaws is just another added issue.

I appreciate everyone's advice but I won't make this thread any longer as I need some time to decide the best way forward.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 21/08/2013 04:55

PM'd you, tabby :)

SquidgyMummy · 21/08/2013 08:39

i have pm'd you too

Original poster
tabbycat15 · 22/08/2013 05:37

BIL just MSG. His girlfriend had been bleeding & had a scan. They couldn't find a heartbeat. She had an abortion, it was a little boy. She was 20 weeks. The baby couldn't have been growing. Not sure what will happen as think they were just making a go of thing because of the baby.

Mil will turn it all around saying how it's all so terrible. What else can go wrong this year.. She will probably say it's a blessing in disguise as maybe there was something wrong with it. I hope she doesn't say it to her, though but she did say to me when I told her I was pg that there was always the possibly I could lose it. She does say what she thinks.

They didn't really like the GF as it was a girl that BIL had a one night stand with & think she got pg on purpose. She is 15 years younger than BIL.

I don't know what will happen now if they will stay together. Everything will be doom & glom when we phone tomorrow.

OP posts:
GilmoursPillow · 22/08/2013 05:40

Maybe you can persuade them that their time would be better spent staying there and comforting BIL.

Original poster
tabbycat15 · 22/08/2013 05:48

Nothing will stop them coming. They'll probably pay for BIL to come out too, they did last time his marriage broke up. My saga just gets worse!

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/08/2013 05:57

If they can afford to pay an extra air fare THEY CAN AFFORD TO PAY YOU FOR SOME OF THEIR FOOD AND LODGING.

FFS, Tabby.

Original poster
tabbycat15 · 22/08/2013 06:16

They paid last time but I wouldn' t put it past them to ask if he can come too. His flat sale would have gone through so after settlement he will have some money this time but they'd expect us to put him up for free.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 22/08/2013 06:44

Tabby - they might expect you to put him up for free but really, you don't HAVE to do so. In fact if they let him come too, then you really DO need to put your feet down collectively, you and DH, and insist they pay towards food at least.

Hissy · 22/08/2013 06:46

Tipping point tabby.

Time to say HOTEL.

GilmoursPillow · 22/08/2013 06:53

It's in your power to say NO, tabby. Yours and your DH's.

Original poster
tabbycat15 · 22/08/2013 07:05

I'm only assuming at the moment so will have to see what's said when we speak to them tomorrow.

I do feel sad that they lost the baby as it might have changed Bil. He would have had to realise that he had a responsibility & might have been good for him to get away from inlaws.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/08/2013 07:15

I'm sad for your BIL as well, but you are still sounding so very very passive. What are you going to say to them tomorrow? All this passive voice about 'seeing what's said'... why don't you stop seeing what's said, and say things?

Original poster
tabbycat15 · 22/08/2013 07:20

I was going to go over the replies this weekend but this has been some sad news so i don't think tomorrow we can start talking money until the dust settles.

OP posts:
DeckSwabber · 22/08/2013 07:30

I'm with you on that, Tabby. It would be insensitive.

Hissy · 22/08/2013 07:44

Erm, insensitive? No way!

You know she thought the GF was a gold digger at best!

BIL and his GF is tragic, awful, but doesn't actually have a single thing to do with the fact that your IL are going to come, regardless, and cost you a fortune you don't have!

They are coming because they want to. (for them, not to see you/family)

They are flying Business, because they want to.

They chose to charge you stupid amounts of money, we're stingy and mean when you stayed with them.

You don't have the spare money to fund their jolly.

The phrase to practice is: "We've looked at our situation, and can't afford to host an extended visit. As there's a précédent set here, you can either pay US the 170 quid a week you charged us, or we can book you into a B&B."

As their flights are business, they can be cancelled, transferred, changed without penalty.

They could cut short their trip to 2weeks for example.

If they won't pay up, you can tell them that they can stay for 2 weeks, but no longer, and you'll transfer them to a hotel for any remainder.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2013 09:53

You two seem to continually run into excuses to be passive and put up with their shit. It's working for you, somehow, to be a victim.

expatinscotland · 22/08/2013 09:57

' so i don't think tomorrow we can start talking money until the dust settles.'

Dust settles on what? You have accepted they are coming, staying with you, you will spend $1000 on them and have accepted they are bringing BIL with them and you're paying for him, too.

Where are your kids in this?

You are setting an example for your kids that it is okay to be abused.

until the dust settles? Your ILs are going to milk this one. Why? Because they know they can abuse you both. You and your DH continually enable them in this.

And your kids are taking every bit of it on board.