Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

[tabbycat15]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

When they arrive ask them what standard of stay they're after & then pass them a price list - basic (no bed changes, food etc), or superior....

That might make them think....

I am still here, thank you for all your replies & suggestions. I just took some time out as I was rather offended that I came across as a poor me post. It wasn't intended to be like that just to give the picture of what things had been like the last 21 years.

I hadn't mentioned DH much as basically he is treated the same & made to feel uncomfortable & awkward. We both felt like we couldn't say anything. They treated us like they did from the start so we just accepted that's how they are & put up with it. It just seems very hard to turn around now after all these years & say what we think. I don't think they realise what they are like. We are both very angry that BIL has been treated differently.

I have read through the suggestions & we will decide what we are going to do.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.

I forgot to say they already have a chauffeur driven car from the airport booked as they are coming business class. There is no way that they will cancel their ticket so they will definitely be coming.

God that's a nightmare. Why don't you just be out. They're horrible, nasty people and they don't deserve your home.

Go away for that weekend at least, just to make sure they're ensconced in a hotel. Say "we'll be away that weekend, we just found out we won it in a competition or something. Let me book you rooms". If they won't give you a credit card number then let them book their own rooms. If they DO give you a cc number (lol) book them in for two weeks.

Well if they treat BIL differently, then they obviously realise what they are like!

Or perhaps know that it won't wash with him!

I think tell them that you can't afford to put them up. so they either buy their own food, give you money towards bill/wear & tear or make other arrangements.

It really isn't your problem.

Or they coud downgrade the flights & pay for accommodation elsewhere?

Tabby I've just read both threads and am speechless at these people.

So, if you really can't face telling them no I think you could start some renovation on your house that would make it impossible for them to stay.

Personally, I'd buy/borrow a knackered caravan, put a porta potty in it and park it on the drive. And if they want to stay....that's where they stay. Up to them.

And shove a microwave in it if she doesn't like gas lol. Then I would be VERY busy for the whole 6 weeks, up at a sparrows chuff and out.

BIL suffers from social phobia (when it suits him). He's never so spoken to me. He's been in & out of jobs & basically pil have bailed him out & treated him differently. He's never had money for them to fleece him. She treated SIL differently as wanted everything to be perfect so didn't want to scare her off. Never charged her rent for staying there in the early days. They had a flat but couldn't afford it so rented it out & came to live back with them. They only paid a small amount nothing like the 170 pound each we had to pay 21 years ago. SIL decided after 4 yrs she wanted out of the marriage, not quite sure why but I think she must have realised that BIL was a loser & his mother was overbearing.
He did online dating so can't be that social phobic meeting different girls & has now got a random girl pregnant. He acts like he's 16 not 36.

Posted this on the wrong thread

Tabby you are 42 years old and a mother. If you allow your MIL and FIL to stay with you will be repeating the cycle of abuse they have perpetrated over the years. What message does that send to your dcs? Now is the time to stop it. If they cannot afford to pay for food or a hotel then they shouldn't be coming at all. I don't know anyone who would expect to stay with their relatives for 6 weeks and contribute nothing. Most people I know who visit relatives in Oz do plan a longer holiday (3 weeks min) but wouldn't dream of staying with family that entire time.

I think if you don't want to suggest a hotel then asking them to pay per night is reasonable, since this is proven acceptable behaviour for yoru MIL. Good luck, now is the time to be the mature adult you are.

Tabby, if you are still reading ......
Personally, I'd buy/borrow a knackered caravan, put a porta potty in it and park it on the drive. And if they want to stay....that's where they stay. Up to them.

this ^^^ is the best solution I have read here. No showdown over whether they pay. No showdown over whether they are coming. Just a simple "this is where you are staying". Give them a basic box to start them off (one box of cereal, a loaf etc One roll of loo paper .... if they ask for more, just "forget".). When they run out, offer to drive them to the shops. Then wait in the car!

Because, Tabby, you have put up with enough.
And now, finally, you can draw the line .....because its your home, in your adopted country.....and you owe them nothing.

You could get some lodgers in as you're so broke, just for 6 weeks (friends)

How about telling them that you don't want them to visit and that you've booked a family trip away when they are due to arrive? Then do it - book at least the first week of their trip away somewhere.
I feel for you, because if they come I don't think you and DH will manage to stand up to them and implement any of these good ideas. That's not being critical, you've been conditioned.

Tabby - it's good to see you back. I really mean that. I know I don't know you but your situation has been on my mind, and I'm sure a lot of other posters are also worried about you. You say:

"We both felt like we couldn't say anything. They treated us like they did from the start so we just accepted that's how they are & put up with it. It just seems very hard to turn around now after all these years & say what we think. I don't think they realise what they are like. We are both very angry that BIL has been treated differently."

It's good that you and DH both agree what this situation is. Far far better than other poor women facing appalling ILs whose husbands refuse to accept there's an issue at all. In theory this should make it "easier" to deal with it because you both want the same outcome - not to be treated with such dreadful contempt any longer.

Can you try to explain what it is that seems "very hard" to say what you think ? What frightens you about doing this ? What do you imagine might happen if you speak your mind 100% ? ......

..... I really don't think you have anything left to lose even if they did huff off never to speak to you again. It doesn't sound as if there's any sort of healthy relationship between them and DH, them and you (as an individual and as a couple) or between them and their grandchildren. It certainly doesn't sound as if you'd lose out on a relationship with BIL as you've never even spoken to him !

I don't think for one minute that they're ignorant of what they're like ..... if they truly thought their meanness (past and present) is normal, then they'd also be like that towards other family members. Let's assume for a moment that this is borne out of ignorance rather than malice (I don't believe that for a second, but still ...) - well, in that case, they'd surely welcome a full and frank discussion in which you laid out how they'd upset you over and over, and how unfairly you thought they'd treated you over the years. Yes - it would be an embarrassing and mortifying conversation but decent normal people would prefer to be told if they'd unintentionally caused upset, however hard it was to hear. But anyway .... I'm pretty damn sure this is more about malice and/or power and/or "simply" greed and entitlement, as in, they've seen an opportunity to take you as mugs and make a bit of money on the side. I really think you do need to confront them with this, put them on the spot and ask them why they do this ? They'll probably bluster, probably deny, probably get terribly "offended" but at least it will all be out in the open and they would then have the choice to either apologise and try to make it up to you, or walk away (which would be no great loss).

Sorry to keep on but I really want to try and help - as I'm sure many more posters do too. If you could just try to put into words what you fear would happen if you put your foot down with them, we could try to make sense of it - and offer you reassurance and support. To be honest - IMO, it's not just about the money issue, it's also about attitude. Even if you were rolling in it and could afford to host them without any problem, it still wouldn't alter the fact they've treated you like dirt for so long. I wouldn't want people like that in my house and with my children regardless. Is it a case of your DH hoping against hope that somehow a miracle is going to happen and that this time things will be different and they'll act like normal loving parents/grandparents ? Is he frightened to assert himself with them because then all final hope of ever having a normal relationship will be gone ? Heavy stuff I know - but it's that sort of thing which often means victims of abusive behaviour hang on in there hoping things will change.

Hope you come back .....

Dear MIL,

As much as we are looking forward to your visit we have a few concerns, as you know we have some financial difficulties and due to this we will need you to supply your own food / etc whilst you are staying with us. As awful as I feel about this I am sure you expected this anyway as it is the norm when staying in someone's house, I just like to know everything is ironed out in advance - with regards to ironing, in order to make your stay more comfortable my friend has loaned us her iron for you to use whilst you are here; I remember how much you hated my old one and want to make your stay as comfortable as possible.

Tabby x

Imagine a mother behaving like that towards her own child. It's just appalling.

I hadn't realised that the OP was back as her posts aren't highlighted for me. Is there a problem with MN at the moment?

I think she's changed her name very slightly - a capital T instead of lower case, which means her most recent posts aren't highlighting.

Time to grow a backbone and stand up to them. Why let them do this in ur house?

You have a responsibility to grow up and set a good example for your children.

Am back with the correct t. I had changed my password & saved changes with Tabbycat15with capital T by mistake.
Thanks for your msgs.
I think it all stems from the start of meeting them. May be as I haven't got any parents & what my foster parents were like I felt I had to make an impression & did whatever to please them. I think Mil knew she was on to a good thing & took advantage of me. The thing with hair & beauty people just assume you will do friends & family for free so I got sucked in from the start.
We were both working full time & she decided that if I stayed over at the weekend I had to pay her 15 pounds. I did think the beauty treatments would have been enough compensation but she didn't see that. As we lived an hour away from each other it was the only way we could see each other so put up with it. I was only ever pleasant but as we were young & I got pregnant they just got worse. Fil said i had ruined DH's career.

They just didn't behave like normal inlaws I imagine would do & just left us just to struggle.

Mil always got her housekeeping cheque every week from Fil & he paid all the bills. They were not hard up but I think she liked to make out that she was. She left her job as a nurse when she got married & never worked after that. I think she saw us as a way to make money.
Maybe it's my childhood not being able to stand up & say what I really think. I was always told to keep quiet & not tell things to social services. When I tried to tell SS they never believed me any way.

I know reading all what they are like it's easy in the outside to say just do this or that but I fear that it's gone on too long that they just expect to treat us like they do. I feel so awkward & so does DH confronting them. They said they can't pay us & have made us feel guilty that they have to spend so much to come & see us.

They are better with the kids as we live so far away that it's only a short time they see them. It's not as if they look after them so aren't really like proper grandparents as the girls don't really know them. DS is nearly 21 now & I don't think he was affected by it growing up. I think when they come here it's a novolty as they see it as a holiday & we are around so they don't have any responsibility towards the kids.

Another thing though don't know if it's relevant but inlaws used to be naturists. They never sat around naked but went to a club in the summer. DH hated going when he was little & I feel that's what's hindered BIL with his social phobia. They wanted to take DS there but we said no but they took him anyway once.

I know we need to sort this out once & for all so I will go through all the suggestions with DH & see the best way forward.

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate your advice.

I just know that I will never treat my kids as they have treated us.

If you really can't get out of them freeloading visiting you this time make sure you make it clear they will not be coming back. Ever.

Don't hint at it or dress it up, just say "That was your last visit here. You will not be allowed to stay with us again."

As others have said, you've got nothing to lose.

They took DS to a nudist camp against your permission?

Add this to all the other dreadful stuff and please, can't you see how you've all been so conditioned to this total contempt and disregard that these things even in isolation, are huge fucking deals!

Are you able to see this?

Would you tell anyone else that this all is nothing and to put up with it?

They are not making any effort or spending any money to come and see any of you.

They are doing that FOR THEMSELVES, and actually, regardless of your circumstances and without any thought to your convenience.

I don't know what it's going to take for you to stand up for yourselves, or your family.but please know that what they have done to you all IS abusive, neglectful, out and out mean and unforgivable.

In future, if you can't say don't come, just find them a B&B.

I'm appalled for your son, i'm sorry but not reacting when he has been SO by them must be very hard for him to come to terms with. Why didn't my parents stand up for me is a tough question to ask yourself.

I'd like to think that SS and the police'd want to get involved with a child taken to a nudist camp against their, and their parents wishes. It's wrong on every single level.

They are sick, twisted, manipulative and vindictive. Cruelty doesn't even come close to describe all this. These people ARE the vilest of people. I truly hope they die soon so your family will finally be free.

I know this may seem difficult but I I was I your shoes u would actually get. Kick out of finally saying my piece.

I wouldn't want my child to watch me be treated like that. What if his MIL and FIL one day so the same? You need to set an example. Please tell us what you decide to do.