Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

[tabbycat15]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

i would tell them its impossible for them to stay with you and do it now so they can arrange an alternative, change locks, invent problem builders, wood worm, dry rot, anything.
don't invite them round, meet them else where, hide if they turn up. otherwise you will have to face them and have everything out or just let them do as they usually do. its up to you - it really is.

I think they've never forgiven you for trapping their poor baby so young, and for being from an awkward and unsuitable background. They didn't help you out with the wedding because they were in denial it was happening at all. They didn't bother to bond with their grandson because they didn't think you'd be around in three years time. I think they won't help you out of financial tough spots now any more than they would let you use their washing machine back then, because they want to be able to say 'You got my son into this mess by manipulating him, a baby, no house, no money, and only 21 - off you go and behave like the grow ups you think you are, and get yourselves out if it. Don't expect us to help you out.'

Still. Over twenty years later.

You are obviously going to let this happen but at least don't pay for the stuff she brings just say "I can't afford it sorry, you understand obviously that money is tight"

misspiggie that's what I did in the end.
At first I bought lovely food as I like entertaining. I'd do cooked breakfasts and lovely buffet lunches and cooked meals with all the trimmings and wine.
Pil acted greedily around mealtimes which bugged me.
I soon realised when we went to then there were no treats.
Basic cereal or toast with Marge for brekkie.
Sand which for lunch and literally tiny meals for dinner which left is hungry. Nothing suitable for the baby so id have to get my own.
One tiny glass of wine and no treats.
I began to return the favour and do the same.
Fil was literally rooting through my cupboards for better cereal cos I got the basics like they do.
I didn't even offer lunch then cook a pasta bake fir dinner no salad or bread etc.
funny enough they are not so keen to come now.
The final straw was last Xmas when we visited a few days after and I had to sneak out and take dd to a cafe as we were so hungry.
I told dh I was never going ever again.

Thanks for all your advise. I have taken on board what you all have said & from this & my previous post. I'm sorry if this has come across as a poor me post, I have to admit I was rather offended by that. I posted again as I had asked them for money from the suggestions given & didn't get anywhere so I didn't know what to do as they had knocked me back.
It is an awkward situation & it's easy for outsiders to say just do this or that to fix it when in reality it's not that easy.
I know my upbringing was toxic & they are toxic but standing up & telling them what I think of them just doesn't come naturally to me. I was asking for advise but won't post anymore.

just doesn't come naturally to me. I was asking for advise but won't post anymore.

That's a shame you feel like that , you have been given advice though, it is there.

Yeah, it is that easy when you are 10000 miles away. 'You cannot stay here. We do not want our children involved in your abuse. It stops NOW. You will not be allowed in our home.'

If it doesn't come naturally, you practice. Why? Because your kids don't deserve this.

Why are you asking your IL's for money? Surely that is for your DH to do? Don't put yourself in this position fgs
Ledkr's advice re catering sounds like a good plan.
I don's suppose your MIL has a nice spider phobia or anything useful. If someone told me that they'd found a poisonous spider hiding under the loo, I'd be staying at the nearest holiday in on the 50th floor and I like spiders.

Holiday Inn

Don't be silly. You are doing it with us now.
What did you say and what was the reply?
Let us help you compose a response.
You were slightly assertive in that last post so you can do it.

Gosh I am sorry to see you feel that you can't/won't post anymore but honestly you have been given lots of good advice but each new post you make (until the last one) gives no indication that you have taken anything on board other than the initial advice to ask them to make a contribution.

There is still lots you can do. Email them and tell them that WA is expensive and since they cannot contribute things will have to be different this time to previous visits - so limited trips out/no eating out/simple frugal meals and they will need to take a turn at cooking etc. Then when they get hear show them where the linen cupboard is/show them where the washing machine is/tell them that they are free to rummage around the kitchen cupbaords to find what they need when it is their turn to cook, give them a set day/days when they are expected to cook and DO NOT change their beds/do their laundry etc.

And for god's sake stick up for your children. It is their home - protect that.

Tabby - yes it's a shame you feel like that. I don't think anyone wants to upset you - we are all just very frustrated at the way you've been treated and are trying to help you find a way forward with this - a way which won't see you and your family bullied/abused/emotionally blackmailed any more.

Many of us do appreciate first hand how hard it is to stand up to close family - and even those who have no direct personal experience of having to do this can still be sympathetic. I made the decision myself, after years of stress and upset to break contact with a close family member and no, it wasn't easy, as I also had to weigh up the effect upon other members of the family. However, it was worth it and the person who made me feel so awful every time I saw them no longer stresses me out as I no longer have to set eyes on them!

Please don't run off ...... if you share what it is you're scared of might happen if you do confront them, then I'm sure many people will respond with further words of encouragement, support and advice. Sometimes, listing all the possible outcomes of a scary situation and then working through your feelings about each scenario can help harden your resolve and/or give you strength to pursue the right course of action. I have to say - being nosey - that I wonder what your DH's stance on all this is ? Do you have his support in seeking a solution ? Or does he profess not to care ? Unless I've missed it, you haven't really written about how he feels and what he thinks is the right thing to do - obviously, if you present a united front on this, you can glean support from each other and PILs would find it far harder to cast you as the wicked witch.

I hope you're still reading this - people really are very concerned for you. I don't think a single respondent has suggested for a second that you're being too hard on the PILs, or that the way you've been treated by them for years now is in any way acceptable. That should tell you something surely ? ..... all these people in unanimous agreement, and shock at how awful they've been.

Maybe you can tell us what it is you fear if you contact them again and say that they simply CANNOT stay with you for free and if they're intent on taking their flights, they will need to make alternative arrangements ? Do you fear being called names ? Would this lead to upset with your DH ? Would they influence other family members against you ? What ? Until you tell us we can't help you.

The trouble is, tabby, there is no easy solution to your predicament. You 'tried' asking them to pay but they 'knocked you back' ie they are still coming to your house on their terms. Only you can decide how angry you are and how firm you are prepared to be - suggestions on here range from locking them out and not answering the door, through being 'barely hospitable' (free accommodation but they fend for themselves/are fed 'basics' only) to carrying on as you have done, running yourselves ragged pampering them like a pair of over-fed lap cats. With about as much gratitude from them. But only you can make the attitude shift necessary - please don't get shirty with us for making suggestions! And please keep posting, if there's any chance you might garner the strength to stand up to them.

Tabby

I would urge you to reconsider and come back. Running away does not help you and your family ultimately; the problem is still there and you certainly need further perspectives.

Tabby - YOU are in control here. They want to come to your house, in your country - you have all the power in this situation, you just have to see it!

Email them. Tell them clearly "If you want to stay with us, you need to send us $1000 to cover the expense. If you won't pay this, you need to stay in a hotel".

You don't have to collect them from the airport, you don't have to let them in your house, you don't have to do anything for them.

"I had asked them for money from the suggestions given & didn't get anywhere so I didn't know what to do as they had knocked me back".

.... and people have suggested what you could do as a next step. As Walk says there is no easy solution. The various suggestions here will no doubt involve some unpleasantness and no-one imagines the thought of asserting yourself with a pair of unpleasant mean bullies is going to be attractive. Perhaps it might help if you think of it as "no pain, no gain" though ?

The alternative is to let them get away with their atrocious attitude and piss-taking expectations - which, if you do, would reassure them that they're doing nothing wrong because you backed down. Which will further erode your self esteem - both because you'll be treated like shit but also because you let them do it.

Unfortunately, none of us can wave a magic wand and do this for you. You either do something or nothing. It's in your hands. Yes - you may have already made a tentative step towards asserting yourself but sometimes things take several attempts to sort out. You can do it !!

tabby if it helps I have had quite unreasonable suggestions on here that my dh was abusive as he didn't stop his parents from taking the piss (which is a ridiculous suggestion) I was told I am suffering low self esteem (hilarious)
People can play pop psychologist on here but you are the only one who knows the true story.
It is weird that dh doesn't do more but in that case you get on with it.

Hi Tabby, I hope you are still reading this. I can understand that it is terrifyingly difficult to try and shift the balance of power after all these years. Do you have a friend nearby who you trust and who could help you? Maybe she could just come and be in the house on one of the days when you are at home with the whole family and see what happens, and even speak up for you if you want her to? We are all just trying to envisage this situation, but someone who actually sees it might be able to give you some more useful advice and support. Alternatively, you could just have lots of and start shouting. 6 weeks is a very long time even with loving, reasonable parents - sending you lots of strength to get through this.

Catsmother said this: "What would actually happen if you refused to collect them from the airport ? ...... okay, I'd guess eventually they'd get a taxi. What then, if you were out or refused to answer the door to let them in ? Probably a huge row would ensue but hey, it's clear they hate you already and treat you like dirt so why would it matter ?"

and I agree with it. Best advice is to liberate yourselves at one fells swoop by not picking them up, not letting them in, not feeding them.

However I also agree with expat that you won't do this because of your terrible life experiences so far and how hatefully abusive they have been in the past - they have successfully ground you down. I feel terribly sorry for you.

The only thing that should make you stop it now is your children - if not for yourself, for them. You are the only people who can do it, and they're your kids, and you should do this for them.

Tabby what do you want from this? If it that you really can't stand the thought of the IL coming to stay then tell them (or get DH to) you don't want them. It doesn't matter that they are the only grandparents for your children as they are so far away it will be difficult to have a meaningful relationship with them anyway (due not just to distance but how they are).

If you are prepared to have them stay then you need some ground rules - they follow them or don't come at all.

These rules could simply be: entertain yourselves; feed and clean up after yourselves; hire a car as we aren't taxi drivers and lastly, contribute X dollars a week or don't think you are staying.

They might moan or might refuse to come but if you put things on your terms and DO NOT back down then they have a choice and can behave reasonably or not come.

Personally I would make sure I was on holiday when they turned up with the house boarded up securely!

"they hadn't factored in paying us anything"

all you need to tell them now is "start factoring it in now, or don't come"

if they don't come, they can get the cost of their flights refunded, so they won't lose anything (except a small admin charge, probably)

If they come anyway then, as so many posters have said, don't pick them up from the airport. If they turn up on your doorstep in a taxi, hand them details of hotels that taxi can take them to. Don't let them in. They were told, but chose to ignore you, thinking they could still walk all over your family.

please, tabby - do it