Update on my stingy MIL post if anyone remembers

[tabbycat15]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1803878-Stingey-MIL-makes-me-feel-like-an-outsider

I might be repeating some things in this msg but my previous post is a long thread.

Well we broached the subject but were told that they hadn't factored in paying us anything & made it such a big deal that it costs so much for them to come & see us that they can't afford to give us anything. They are coming business class & they are not that hard up for money. They said that they had to have their roof fixed & BIL is living there rent free/unemployed & what with his baby coming along they have to buy things for him.

We have worked out that we will be about $1000 out of pocket when they stay. The fleeced us with rent, never helped us out when we had no money & had to buy food/nappies on our credit card. They never bought DS anything like a cot or pram when he was born.

When we lived there she wouldn't let us do our washing in her machine even though we bought it. She said I don't think my machine will cope with all your washing so we had to take it to the launderette. This was 21 years ago & we were charged 170 pounds each rent for staying there.

I am so angry that I have the inlaws from hell. I've only ever been nice to them. Mil never helped out with DS or helped me at home. I was really ill with PND & have no parents. They lived 5 mins away but just didn't want to know. They only ever had DS twice when he was sick & couldn't go to the childminder. I had to pay the childminder & MIL charged me by the hour as well to have him for a few hours. I had to go into work as I had no other choice.

The only time MIL ever rang was when she wanted her beauty treatment done for free. When ever they came to our house we would be in waiting for them. They never rang the door bell, just walked straight in with our key. We had a key for their house but always rang the bell as wouldn't have just walked in.

If we went up for dinner I was told what I had to provide. I usually had to cook the dinner & bring it up with me. I can understand bringing so wine or something but not the main course. Xmas we had to buy everything except the turkey & take it up with us. She would make a point of telling us how big the turkey was & how much it costs.
She wouldn't feed DS at all when he was there. We had to bring all his food & drink with us.

I really have the stingist inlaws. I'm glad we are in Australia now as now I realise how bad they treated us.

do you really want such callous, horrible people in your childrens lives, they make you feel like crap and are horrid to your children, do you really want these people to make your kids feel like they make you feel?

Grandparents aren't the be all for children, so long as your children have happy secure loving parents everything else doesn't matter.

OP I know it will take a leap of courage but you can do it and you will just feel so relieved to have got rid of the feelings or resentment etc.....

sounds to me as if your MIL and FIL know exactly what they're doing and do it because they know you won't stand up to them. From an outsider's point of view it looks as if they're pushing and pushing with the most unreasonable behaviour possible, expecting a rebuff but never get it so their behaviour and pushing just gets worse.....

It is not easy to stand up to parents let along parents in law bu you and your family deserve to be rid of this toxic influence sooner rather than later....

$1000. You are allowing them to take that money from your kids. Fuck that.

My gob is beyond smacked ......

"Stingy" is when someone who can afford to buy better, chooses to buy something which isn't just "cheap" ('cos there's not anything necessarily wrong in that) but nasty as well because they begrudge spending the extra.

Your PILs are financially abusive bullies - you have to realise that. As someone else up thread said, they are using money to victimise you - to show you that the only value you have in their eyes is as someone to make a profit out of. Hence the "bills" for food you eat at their house, and the expectation of an all expenses paid holiday.

FFS - what kind of parent would effectively force their child into debt whilst treating themselves to business class tickets. Their stay is going to cost you about £600 ($1000 AUSD) yet the difference on BA between a business return vs an economy right now seems to be about £3-4000 per effing person (if I've Googled correctly) and yet the bitch will apparently still be intent on "charging" you for a few kiddie bits she's had the immense graciousness to bring over for you.

Well, tell her to fuck off about that stuff if she wants you to pay her. So - she then refuses to hand it over. So bloody what - you know you can live without it and if the bitter old bag is left out of pocket (slightly, in comparison to all else who cares). How dare they refuse to contribute when you've told them how hard their visit will be for you financially !!

You know ..... if they were genuinely impoverished themselves, and if they were genuinely nice people, and if your DH was mindful of the fact this might be one of the last times he'd get to see his parents then maybe you'd think it was worth going into debt in order to facilitate their visit. No-one would criticise you for that. But it's not like that is it - these are people who can afford business class - who'd rather treat themselves for 23 hours than be fair and reasonable about this. Let alone the largesse they seem to show to the brother.

And then ..... they completely take the piss when they arrive. Yes - we all tend to indulge "guests", most of us think it polite to and most of us do so in the knowledge that our hospitality will be reciprocated sooner or later. But not only do they not reciprocate, they actually abuse you OP - and they also milk their guest status for all it's worth. It's no good relying on that to behave like utter selfish c**ts - regardless of age - guests have responsibilities too - like recognising how their presence impacts upon a household - financially, practically, emotionally - and most normal decent people would compromise accordingly to ensure that the visit is as enjoyable as possible for all concerned.

This pair have a sense of entitlement which defies belief. They are rude, nasty and hypocritical. You - and that means both you and DH need to make a stand one way or the other. You will NOT accommodate them unless they make a fair contribution to their keep as you literally can't afford to feed and entertain them without going into debt which you're not prepared to do. You will NOT alter your normal day to day routine unless you want to - not because FIL gets pissed off. You will NOT be mad to feel bad, or your children, for behaving perfectly normally in your own home. You will NOT be running round like skivvies after them - a roof over their heads and meals IF they CONTRIBUTE fairly is as much as they can expect and if they won't agree to this they will either have to cancel their flight or find alternative accommodation. In short, you will NOT be bullied and abused. You have had enough of being treated like dirt for years and won't tolerate it any longer or allow your children to get mixed up in it again.

For goodness sake OP you must do this for the sake of your mental health let alone your bank balance. Surely your DH can't be oblivious to their disgusting attitude either - he must support you on this. Their behaviour is so extreme and so nasty that the only reason they've got away with it for so long is because they've been allowed to unchallenged. Okay you "challenged" them this time but if you allow this visit to go ahead on its usual terms regardless they will have learnt nothing. Bullies need not only to be confronted but learn that their behaviour will have repercussions.

tabby I'm going to be really horrible now but fgs GRIE A FUCKING BACKBONE ABD STOP BEUNG A BLOODY DOORMAT.
It took mumsnet, good friends and a bloody counsellor to make me do it and my pil are nowhere near as bad as yours.
You are an adult woman and have the power to make decisions of your own.
What can they do if you don't do stuff? They are already horrible so what do you have to lose?
I used to wait on mine but when I decided to stop it was quite easy and I found it rather amusing.
I go out as my has possible (work, shopping, visiting or getting my hair done) or. Just lie!
When they were sniffing around for food I sat on my arse and put the telly on.
If I did cook I quickly left the kitchen afterwards do they soon learned to clean up.
I don't buy delicious food anymore I do an Aldi shop and only have austere food in (no treats like at their house)
If they want to be entertained I let dh do it.
Honestly love this can only continue if you allow it to.
She isn't superior to you and cannot affect your life in any way if you don't cow tow to her.
Steal yourself and prepare to back off a bit.

It will be fun.

I wrote a post, then refreshed and read what catsmother wrote.

That.

For what it's worth I was told by a therapist that you should respond to others in the same measure that they respond to you. So if your father is not acting within the parameters of a father/relationship (in my own case), then you are free to redefine the daughter/relationship to reflect that.

My inlaws take the piss and just take take take. So I have taken a step back and as my needs from the relationship (support, even a vague interest in my life) are not being met, I no longer feel obliged to meet all of theirs. I was making myself a doormat and now I am not. It feels so good!

I have a more reciprocal relationship with my mother who matches the effort that I put into the relationship.

You HAVE to make a stand. You can see what sort of people they are, just plain nasty.
Phone them and tell them not to come, and then cut them out of your life altogether. Don't ever give them a second thought.
You are setting a bad example to your own DCs showing yourself to be treated like this. Your in laws are not contributing anything positive to your family life.

Your DH is an adult he should be stickibg up for you.

What state if oz are you in OP?

And agree your children don't need Gp like this, better without

She won't cook and she won't iron? No problem, they can go hungry and walk about in creased clothes.

Don't do it for them, although I expect you will

I am in WA & it is expensive here.
How can I take the next step? We've told them that we need some help financially but they have said they can't afford it. There's no way they will cancel the trip now so we are lumbered with them coming. It's MIL's 70 th birthday present to go business class.They just invite themselves every 2 years & make a big deal that they have to come & see us as we can't afford to go there.
There's no way they will pay for a hotel.
I think because of my childhood I've always had to go without & have been treated horribly. Social services never listened when I told them what my foster parents were like. I suppose I can't deal with confrontation & I know i being a doormat. They have been like it for the past 21 years & won't change. I just have the consolation that we live here now away from them.
I've always felt like I'm an outsider. I've only ever been nice to them. For some reason they saw a way to make money from us.

One thing I notice about your threads, OPs, is you tell us how bad it is but you don't seem to think of doing anything about it. People come up with useful suggestions and you take absolutely no notice of them.

You and your husband have to take some responsibility here. You didn't have to have such a miserable wedding. You don't have to spend time there and give them money etc. You can make independent choices.

It's as though you are just coming on here to moan about the inevitability of your life being ruined by your ILs. You don't seem to want to help yourself.

I'd be tempted to lay information with Australian immigration that they have no intention of returning to the UK. But that's just me.

that's evil, but I like it.

I remember you last post very well.
Well to be honest I think you need to push back on the fact they can't afford it.
You need to make it plain that you cannot afford to have them there and not contribute at all.
If they were in the UK for 6 weeks they would be spending money on food and drink and bills etc....
So that's what they need to contribute.
Make it very clear that they cannot stay there without paying.
If they really can't afford it, as PP said, business class tickets are refundable and/or transferrable so tell them if they really can't afford it then they need to not come over as you absolutely cannot afford to subsidise them for 6 weeks.
You won't be lying or anything. It will be the truth.
Push back and do it now!
Stand up to them! You are a grown woman and you CAN do this.

"I just have the consolation that we live here now away from them"

Yes you do but you have not fully escaped them. They are still coming to visit you regardless, they invite themselves and will expect to be waited on hand and foot when they arrive. You've gone without your whole life and these ghastly inlaws are infact carrying on where your abusive foster parents left off.

There is no "suppose" about it; you still both cannot confront them (they know this and use that against you) and both of you are being doormats.
This sends an awful example to your own children.

Its never too late to confront such people and reclaim your life back. You have not done so to date and your and your H's prevarications about doing so have cost you so very dearly.

You have identified why you let them walk all over you so work on it.
Why is ok for them to say they can't afford to contribute to their upkeep but not ok for you.
They ignored you when you said you can't afford it so you do the same to them.
"well sorry but neither can we so what do you want to do?"
If dh doesn't take a stand then you must do it instead.
If they still come and don't pay just don't buy much food and only buy basics. No wine, margarine,cardboard bread etc.
If she complains remind then that you did say you were skint.
Honestly if you just do that one thing it will help
What are you worried about?
You are no longer that foster child, you are you an adult mother. You can stand up to bullies..

You need to stop thinking of yourself as a victim and believing you have no control over anything.

Ring them up and say 'I'm sorry we can't afford for you to come and if they want to you'll expect a bank transfer in the next few days to cove their costs' be firm and repeat yourself. If they refuse tell them to cancel their tickets.

Where is your bloke in all of this..why are you dealing with it?

You have been given many suggestions on this thread on how to handle it but you seem to be ignoring them all. We can't do it for you, you must grow a pair and act for yourself. They only treat you like that anad behave in this way becuase you allow them too.
Email them phone them do something before they come, let them know what you will not be doing for them when they come over so they willnnot have any expectations.
So they go home and tell everyone how unwelcome you made them--so what !!! What goes around comes around.

Have you read any of the suggestions here?

Take the bull by the horns, write/ email and tell them they aren't welcome because of their behaviour and you aren't prepared to tolerate it ever again.

This is your home, don't be cowed by them and take back the power.

Get fucking angry, listen to Ledkr and don't be meek.

Do something before they just turn up.

Hellsbells makes some very good points: they would have had to buy food in the UK, so if they pay you what they'd have otherwise spent they still wouldn't be out of pocket.

They have made huge assumptions about this trip without checking first if it's affordable for you. It's NOT, so they need to do something about it ..... like paying you as above, OR downgrading their tickets so they can afford to pay you fair board (who gives a flying stuff if it's MIL's 70th birthday ?? - so they can afford thousands as it's her Majesty's birthday - but "can't afford" to spend £600 less on her fucking "present" so their child doesn't go into debt ? Evil fucking bastards - excuse my French), OR, they stay in an hotel - which would be more expensive than paying their way at yours.

What would actually happen if you refused to collect them from the airport ? ...... okay, I'd guess eventually they'd get a taxi. What then, if you were out or refused to answer the door to let them in ? Probably a huge row would ensue but hey, it's clear they hate you already and treat you like dirt so why would it matter ?

Yes - they're DH's parents, and obviously, something like this is going to be hugely upsetting and traumatic for him. It's not nice facing up to the fact your parents seemingly despise you and seem to revel in taking advantage of you in every possible way but what's his take on all this ? How does he propose it's sorted out ? It's absolutely crazy to allow yourselves to be continually abused like this - financially and emotionally - I mean, who willingly allows an abuser into their home ?

I think I'd make one last ditch attempt - IF DH is set on seeing his parents (god knows why, they can't make him feel good about himself) - at laying down the law - as I suggested in my previous post but if they continue to refuse to agree to your terms for this visit then you must tell them they will NOT be accommodated. What they then do with that knowledge is entirely up to them and not your responsibility.

Tabby, you email them and say;

Dear Evil Outlaws,

As we are unable to financially accommodate your stay in Australia this year, here are links to the cheapest B&B's and car hire companies I have managed to find for you in our area.

We will try and be available to see you for dinner on the last day for your stay, take lots of pictures of all the sightseeing you will do.

And don't forget to book a cab to transfer you from the airport to your chosen hotel.

Tabby
xxx (passive aggressive)

I don't really see the point of this thread - without wanting to sound harsh op if you aren't prepared to take any of the very good advice on here and seek to change anything what were you expecting? Just poor you posts? You have choices, they may feel alien and you may feel rude but as has already been said - what do you have to lose?