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[Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn]

H and I have married for 7 years. We are totally different people - I am very easy going, he is a perfectionist. We are total opposites in pretty much every way. He is also very hot tempered and when he loses his temper says I am to leave him alone until he calms down so I never get to explain my side of the argument

This year, after countless ivf attempts we gave birth to dd (now 15 weeks) from the outset, he was openly 'amazed' that I didn't automatically know what to do. At one point he said he was worried about going back to work and leaving me, though he did apologise for saying that the following day. I was told by the midwife/hv/GP etc that I was doing a great job. (I'm 41 btw and spent mat of my teenage years babysitting, though admittedly not babies.)

He went back to work, and everything was fine until last week (he actually acknowledged at one point I was doing an excellent job). Then he following things happened:

• dd was on a low ottoman I use to change her on, when she managed to kick back and push herself onto the changing bag below. She fell a few inches. I was distraught and called h to say I was taking her to A&E. h reassured me she was fine (and she is)
• I put the bins out. H asked me where dd was when I did it. I said she was in the house. He said I shouldn't leave her. Fair enough.
• I ran a bath for dd that h said was too hot. Unforgivable of me.

This evening we went out to a BBQ with some friends. We got back an hour and a half ago and decided to give dd a quick bath. Following the earlier incident I bought a bath thermometer. When running the bath the temp was always 36/37 degrees. H tested the water before putting dd in. On putting her in she cried. I am convinced she was overtired ( I am typing this from her room as she won't settle). H does not believe in overtired as a concept. (We had been bathing her at 9pm but she has been too tired so I tried to move it forward. I explained to h that everything I read suggests dd can't go longer than 2 hours awake so we need to be thinking of putting her to bed earlier. H replied I read too many books and that was absolute rubbish.

H says te bath water was too hot and iam not to be trusted. I tried to explain about her being overtired, but he just said if I had admitted I was wrong he could have understood it, but my further denials only prove I am deluded and in a world of my own. He say she is considering getting a childminder in.

I don't know if I truly am a shit mum, or if im being gaslighted, or both. I don't know what to do as he makes me doubt myself, then tells me I'm indecisive or weak.

Sorry this is so long..

I think the 'you won't be helped' thing is incredibly telling and horribly familiar. It means 'you won't do what I tell you'. I too walked on eggshells for years. Awful, even without the hideous 'I can do anything' comment.

I'm trying to think what would have helped me when I was in the same position... If I could time travel back to my bullied, undermined self I would help myself to:

• recognise that his controlling behaviour wasn't my fault, that the refusal to engage in calm discussion wasn't my fault, that his constant undermining wasn't because I was incompetent but was because he couldn't bear not to be in control...

• talk to close, supportive friends on the phone if not in person (I was socially isolated not by h but because we moved to a new town) even though that would have felt (irrationally) like I was betraying him in some way.

• accept that NOTHING I did would change his behaviour.

I know you've had a lot of people telling you to leave, but there's no way I could have done that then. Maybe the steps above would have helped to start me on that road.

Will be thinking of you today.

I haven't got time to write as much as I want, but a few points:

This is abuse. Pretty seriousemltional and psychological abuse.

If you had taken your DD to see someone about her falling off the thing, it would not have been reported to Ss or whatever. Virtually every baby in the world, throughout human history has fallenoff something when the mother looked away for a nanosecond. It is a rite of passage. Threads where someone panics that their baby rolled off the bed or changing table fill up quicker than just about anything, with gazillions of posters confessing similar. He has you convinced that the slightest mistake will have the baby taken off you or something. He is not only trying to make you doubt yourself, he is setting you up to panic about contact with the outside world, ie. isolating you.

I don't think the bath was too hot. There would have been physical signs if it had hurt her. I truly believe that he purposely decided to use the bath thing to be able to scare you and bribe you with with talk of being able to do or say anything, ie, let me walk all over you or I'll tell the world you burnt your child.

Abuse often escalates or starts during pg or after birth. I'd say this is an escalation, given what you say about him in the past.

She sounds sinister, very abusive and controlling and possibly a bit unhinged. Even if he is lovely with your DD, he is abusing her too, because abusing a child's mother abuses them.

I recognise this scenario :( it is making such a precious, one off time in your life miserable. In my case it got worse. It is all about control and undermining you. Please remember that YOU know what is right for your DD. Your her mummy.....do not let him make you believe you are inadequate...you're not. Have a serious talk with him and lay it on the line. Either he backs off and starts supporting you or I'm afraid you should consider asking him to go/leaving. I don't say that lightly. Good luck xx

I'm just catching up with this thread.

OP I really feel for you. The last thing you need is someone criticising your every move. In the early days of being a new mother I'd say most women lose their confidence. I did. But a supportive network helps you get through.

Maybe you need t take a bit more control and do things how you see fit. After all you know DD best because you spend the most time with her.

If you don't put your foot down now then he will always undermine your mothering skills. And that's not on. No mother should ever have to live with their every action being questioned.

If it helps record nap times and feeding times so you know for yourself exactly what pattern your DD has. Do bath time when it suits her, not him. Everyone knows that a baby works to their own routine and that babies become extremely agitated if they miss their window of sleep. If he doesn't get to spend time with her tough luck. Or if he wants to see her/ spend time with her /doesnt trust you to do bath time then he can do bath and bed time. He can't have it all his own way.

And also, in the early days I LOVED it when I had company and they would hold DD whilst I finished a cup of tea. I would go to my MIL and the first thing I'd do was hand over DD and then snuggle up on sofa and watch tv whilst PIL held, played with DD. It doesn't make you an "unfit mother". It's totally normal.

I really hope you can see someone at SureStart and get some RL support.

You are doing great, but it's important for you to get this sorted and lay the foundations for the rest of you and your daughters life. .

OP you are a good mum, keel telling yourself that! Your H has issues that you may well understand the root cause of, and his behaviour is most likely stress-related, linked to wanting the best for his dd, however you may well want to read some of the threads on here relating to emotional abuse. Then make a decision about whether you want to carry on living this way, because it is very unlikely that he will change whilst he feels this stress. Please believe in yourself, if i posted every mistake and uncertainty i had regarding the children, i would be here all weekend and i am sure that not one person would criticise me, they would just share similar experiences, and i am a good mum :)

I want to also point out, OP, that he totally contradicting himself and being a massive hypocrite - one minute, he's inferring that you're a bad mother because you don't mind SIL holding baby for a bit, the next, he's calling you weird for not wanting to have a nap and leave baby with visitors. Well, which is it? He's telling you you're weird and a bad mother for opposing things, in other words, damned if you so, damned if you don't. It's a classic abuser's technique. Get you so confused as to what is right or normal, and what will please and displease him, what will win his approval or stave off his disapproval, that you do not have headspace to think straight, or to maintain any shred of self-esteem, never mind think "hang on, he's talking bollocks and being a total cunt!". Which he is,btw.

As well as the fact that his abuse of you will damage your Dc forever, and practically train her to be a future abuse victim herself (because theabuse dynamic she will witness will be fixed as normal forever in her mind), if she also grows up witnessing him gaslighting and forever changing the goalposts, that is going to absolutely fuck her up mentally. The poor child will grow up not knowingif black is white or night is day.

And he tested the water yet blamed you for the water being too hot.
You can't get anywhere in an argument with him because he's not looking to reach understanding or compromise or share views; he's out to win. Winning for him seems to mean making you feel weak and making him feel in control. He'll jump topics, lie, gaslight and make no sense. But it will be with conviction and aggression so if you stop trying to defend yourself for long enough to pick up on the contradictions you don't want I raise them because you'll get "are you saying it's all my fault?"
Speak to a HV to convince yourself, not your H. I don't think he needs to be convinced you're a good mother. He probably thinks you're a great mum but it suits his purposes to make you feel that you're not.

Hope you are ok today, OP

how's it going, op?

He is using you to feel better about himself (is that gas lighting??).

He is in the wrong not you.

dd1 fell off the sofa at 3 weeks old. You are not alone in things happening to babies!

Safer to leave a baby for 2 mins to put bins out than toddlers!

Theregors the year makes an excellent point - how good or bad you are as a mother is irrelevant to what he is trying to do to you. Which is abusing you. All abuse is about working out one's sense of inadequacy and own issues by punishing and blaming someone else for it. If he had a shitty upbringing, he could be unconscious furious with you for being a good mum, like a part of him is jealous of your DD. it could be transference, ie he is telling you you are a bad mother, but what he is really doing is sacrificing you to get out what he feels about his on mother being bad.

I, we, could speculate all day, but the point about it is, that none of his problems are your responsibility. All the understanding and tolerance in the world won't make him better or make him treat you better. Now he knows what he can do and say to you and get away with it, he won't get better. Why would he? This is his true, damaged, nasty self. Your choice now is do you allow him to damage your DD by staying with him or not?

You are a perfectly competent and loving mother.

He is a nasty abuser.

It will get worse.

Trying to keep him happy will not work.

Please read everything you can find about abusive relationships and talk to someone in real life about what he is doing to you.

No-one in SS would bat an eyelid at any of those "incidents".

Don't try to get any HV to convince him, he doesn't WANT to be convinced! He's happy to have you think that he thinks you're incompetent because that puts him in a position of power.

You sound like you're doing a great job!

He's the unfit parent, not you. Get your dd away from him.

Thank you all so much for you support - I can't tell you how much it means and helped me see wht I already knew.

I did get an apology from him the next day (and flowers), for the remarks about the parenting, but after a rocky couple of weeks he told me tonight he is giving notice to his tenants and moving out. I am totally torn - I feel devastated and can't stop crying for dd - ironically she was ivf and took us 6 years and she didn't ask for sny of this. On the other hand your words all rang true and I didn't want her to join me in walking on eggshells for fear of doing he wrong thing.

I now need to work out what to do. His plan is that he leaves he house (I invested more in it) and I use some inheritance to carry on paying he mortgage so I don't need to go back to put dd ino childcare (my mat leave pay will finish in 2 months). My job is tricky in tht I commute o would have to do reduced hours, but I can hopefully buy myself some time, downsize to a smaller house and see what I can find locally, but that's one way off yet. If anyone has any advice I would be so grateful..

I've noticed. Well, what a horrid time for you to reflect on later while you reminisce about your daughter's first few months.

He sounds a totally selfish prick and you are best off without him.

I wish you the best of luck and send you big hugs. YOU and your daughter will be fine. Him, not so much.

Good luck! Be strong.

Thank you.. I think I'm in shock tbh. He is acting like nothing has happened and can't work out why I'm upset, because he's told me time and time again why I wind him up, I haven't changed so I therefore only have myself to blame.

Never mind what he says. If he is ending the relationship, he is actually doign you a favour becuae it seems you were not going to do it yourself.

let him go now, stop engaging with him

consult with CAB or a solicitor as to what your next practical steps should be and stop listening to a word that comes out of his stupid mouth

Don't agree with anything he says as regards the house until youmget legal advice. He may renege on what he says. consult a solicitor asap to find out exactly where you stand financially. Has he says what he intends to pay for DD?
I know you are in shock but you will very quickly realise it was for the best when you see how much better your life is with him gone.

Thanks so much

AF - yes you're right. I probably wouldn't have ended it at this moment.

Totally - I asked him that and apparently nothing as I have enough money, so he says. Whether I have or haven't is besides the point ( and it was some money I inherited rather than I'm wealthy). He's her father and needs to contribute to her upkeep. I will need to work out how to get some childcare to see a solicitor

My, and dd's life will be better once he's gone. I guess I just have to focus on that

Please listen to AnyFucker- she has this spot on.

Horrible, inadequate fucker he is! Trying to blame you because you're excelling yourself.

Congratulations on your new life and wonderful DD- now you get the oppourtunity to shine as the great mother you know you are.

Thank you booster. Things haven't panned out the way I expected, but I am and will be an amazing mother

Yes, you will

Now don't let her father fuck you over. Professional advice for you, m'dear and tune this idiot out

Agreed, get proper legal advice.

Assuming he is employed, then he will have to pay a % of his salary to you for maintenance for DD. Doesnt matter what you do or dont have, the law says that he has to pay CSA guideline maintenance.

Will do!

I've just read through your thread for the first time absolutely horrified at the way your husband was behaving. When I got to today's post I felt overwhelming relief on your behalf - your husband is an appalling bully and I am certain you will blossom away from him. I think he will have to give his tenants at least two months' notice so that could be an uncomfortable time if he stays at home while he waits for them to move out. Don't let him undermine you or manipulate you while he's there - could you consider a few trips to visit friends and family until he's gone?

PS If you're in London, I'll sit in the foyer of your solicitor's office with your baby while you speak to a lawyer - you really must get good advice, don't let lack of childcare stand in your way.