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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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110 replies

Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 22:35

H and I have married for 7 years. We are totally different people - I am very easy going, he is a perfectionist. We are total opposites in pretty much every way. He is also very hot tempered and when he loses his temper says I am to leave him alone until he calms down so I never get to explain my side of the argument

This year, after countless ivf attempts we gave birth to dd (now 15 weeks) from the outset, he was openly 'amazed' that I didn't automatically know what to do. At one point he said he was worried about going back to work and leaving me, though he did apologise for saying that the following day. I was told by the midwife/hv/GP etc that I was doing a great job. (I'm 41 btw and spent mat of my teenage years babysitting, though admittedly not babies.)

He went back to work, and everything was fine until last week (he actually acknowledged at one point I was doing an excellent job). Then he following things happened:

  • dd was on a low ottoman I use to change her on, when she managed to kick back and push herself onto the changing bag below. She fell a few inches. I was distraught and called h to say I was taking her to A&E. h reassured me she was fine (and she is)
  • I put the bins out. H asked me where dd was when I did it. I said she was in the house. He said I shouldn't leave her. Fair enough.
  • I ran a bath for dd that h said was too hot. Unforgivable of me.

This evening we went out to a BBQ with some friends. We got back an hour and a half ago and decided to give dd a quick bath. Following the earlier incident I bought a bath thermometer. When running the bath the temp was always 36/37 degrees. H tested the water before putting dd in. On putting her in she cried. I am convinced she was overtired ( I am typing this from her room as she won't settle). H does not believe in overtired as a concept. (We had been bathing her at 9pm but she has been too tired so I tried to move it forward. I explained to h that everything I read suggests dd can't go longer than 2 hours awake so we need to be thinking of putting her to bed earlier. H replied I read too many books and that was absolute rubbish.

H says te bath water was too hot and iam not to be trusted. I tried to explain about her being overtired, but he just said if I had admitted I was wrong he could have understood it, but my further denials only prove I am deluded and in a world of my own. He say she is considering getting a childminder in.

I don't know if I truly am a shit mum, or if im being gaslighted, or both. I don't know what to do as he makes me doubt myself, then tells me I'm indecisive or weak.

Sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 22:37

I should say that I spend all my time with dd. he has never settled her at night, nor taken her anywhere on his own, though he is good with her. Though he has told me iam weak for not agreeing to leave her to cry at night before

OP posts:
craftycottontail · 15/08/2013 22:44

You don't sound like a rubbish mum at all... it sounds like you're getting to know your DD (you know, seeing as you're the main caregiver at the moment) and he isn't doing you the courtesy of trusting your judgement.

LaRosaBella · 15/08/2013 22:46

Sorry but he sounds like a complete DICK!! You sound lovely and you're doing a fantastic job.

So he doesn't "believe" in being overtired and thinks you should leave a 15 week old baby to cry....words fail me.

You don't need a childminder, your husband needs a serious talking to.

Tuppenceinred · 15/08/2013 22:47

Wow! What a nasty piece of work. Is this supposed to be a partnership? He doesn't have the right to decide to "get a childminder in". This would be feeling like a deal breaking situation to me.

TheTurdsOfMisery · 15/08/2013 22:47

God - this is awful. Just awful. I feel for you. You're a new mum with a little baby and a husband who is, I think, doing exactly what you fear - he's gaslighting you. And undermining you and eating away at your confidence and making you so nervy there's no way you can enjoy your baby.
Time for some full and frank discussions I think - unless you're afraid of him? Do you have friends/family around to support you? Might the HV visit when he's at home and put him straight?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 22:48

You are being gaslighted. All those things are simple mistakes that I bet most new parents make. I banged DD1s head off a door as we were walking through it when she was a few days old. These things happen.

What were the arguements about that you were having? How is the rest of your relationship?

harrietspy · 15/08/2013 22:49

It sounds like you are doing a great job and are not remotely a shit mum. Of course we don't know exactly what to do with our babies from the second they're born. We feel our way through it. It's so horribly undermining and utterly unsupportive for him to suggest you need to get a childminder. (Presumably not to give you a break or support you, but because you're incompetent, right? Hmm).

He sounds like a bully, that he absolutely has to be right and that you can't win. If you disagree, he tells you you don't know what you're talking about. If you agree with him, he tells you you don't know your own mind. Just horrendous.

This might be easier said than done, but if you don't want to leave her to cry at night, don't. I was pressurised into doing that and deeply regret it.

Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 22:50

Thank you crafty. That means a lot. When dd cries in te evening he looks at me, but when I tell him what I think he contradicts me, or tells me it's rubbish. He now says he's watching me. I am so sad I'm wishing dd's life away to where she gets to an age where I'm more comfortable. Today I nearly cried as I think I'm losing my way as I'm so worried about upsetting him or owing it wrong in his eyes Sad

OP posts:
LaRosaBella · 15/08/2013 22:51

Also for what it's worth my DD is 5 months old and honestly I have no clue what I'm doing half the time. I consider a day very successful where she ends up asleep before 10, fed, cleanish and vaguely content.

Hegsy · 15/08/2013 22:52

What a cock! Sorry op I just can't believe him. He 'doesn't believe' in overtired??? FFS! And he wants to leave your much fought for DD to cry? Please don't give into him and tell him to shove his childminder up his arse. Sorry just so Angry on your behalf

Monty27 · 15/08/2013 22:53

How dare he? It sounds as though you're doing really well, and usually the more relaxed you are with a better the more 'content' the baby is.

Tell him to keep his criticisms and opinions to himself. And as Turd said, ask the midwife to have words with him.

You carry on the way you are and bond with your baby and get to know her.

Congratulations by the way :) (Ahhhh memories).

Monty27 · 15/08/2013 22:54

With a better? Confused of course I meant 'baby' :)

Phineyj · 15/08/2013 22:55

This is a really odd way for a partner to behave -- you're supposed to be a team! You sound like you are doing fine. I have made all those mistakes and more. Our DD is 8.5 months and goes to bed at 7. Sometimes she is knackered and we put her to bed earlier. If we kept her up to 9pm she would definitely cry hysterically if we bathed her.

I don't know what you can do about your DH -- has he always been bossy and controlling or is this recent? Is there some issue in his own family that has caused him to be weird about parenting?

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 22:56

your husband is an abuser

he is abusing you, and indirectly your baby

your next steps should reflect that fact

ThereGoesTheYear · 15/08/2013 22:57

He is thoroughly unpleasant. Why a he trying to make you feel inadequate? Does he like you to be on the back foot, so that he's got more power in the relationship? What makes him the judge of how well you are doing a job when he is showing a laughable lack of understanding? Babies can't be overtired? A tiny baby should be le to cry? What rot!
I can't believe that his awful behaviour is limited to matters concerning your mothering skills - although the fact that you are now in a weaker position may have encouraged him to let rip.
Don't let him knock your confidence. Don't allow him to get a childminder. Speak frankly to your HV about what he's been saying. You will find her as astonished as we are.

TurnipCake · 15/08/2013 22:57

You sound like you're doing absolutely fine with your baby.

But your husband? WFT, he's 'watching you' and getting a childminder in, and you're deluded? How fucking dare he, nasty bully.

You say he is hot-headed. Did this start or get worse when you were pregnant?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 22:58

Do you have good family support? Friends?

Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 22:59

Thank you, thank you all. I am really sobbing now.

He is difficult and I am scared of upsetting him. Ironically we joked that having a child would mean I would wear the trousers for once. After one of the incidents last week he bragged to me that he could do or say whatever he wanted.

Harriet - yes you're right. It would be be us I'm not coping, but I am!! I've waited so long for her and love her to bits. I did win the crying argument though.

I don know what to do bout confiding in family/friends. My mother is close by, but in her late 70s. The hv system here is I go to get her weighed once a month, but the ones I met weren't the types tat would convince him. After the incident when she was a couple of weeks old, I got he midwife round. He did change his opinion when I cried and she reassured me.

Btw he told me not to go to A&E as they would ask questions. He told me my behaviour is negligence

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 15/08/2013 22:59

He sounds highly strung putting it mildly

you're doing great!

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 23:03

I fear that, as difficult as this may seem, you need to be thinking about leaving him. He sounds really unhinged. Its all about control.

This will escalate. Look up the womens aid website, there is more about abuse on there.

RandomMess · 15/08/2013 23:04

He sounds awful Sad

DorisIsWaiting · 15/08/2013 23:06

He is abusing you.

And i fear this ill only get worse. Hopefully this will bump your thread for wiser women than me.

I think you need to spend sometime reading and to reassure ourself that this is not normal behaviour by him. Then maybe you can get some rl support and look at your next options.

but honestly I do not think this will get better.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 15/08/2013 23:06

He's being emotionally abusive and I am sure he knows it.

He is telling you that you are doing a rubbish job and trying to make you feel small and stupid.

This should be stopped now.

I could not and would not be in a relationship with someone like this. Either it changed, or the locks on my door changed--his key would be a very different one to mine, to wherever I wouldn't care.

Because you don't need him if he's not doing any of the care, if he's making you feel rubbish about yourself and doubting yourself and you're probably slipping up because he is making you nervous.

Any sisters? Cousins? Close friends? Perhaps they could come in and agree with you in his presence so he realises you are right he's a dickhead.

I hope he changes his tune, or his arse flies out the door.

craftycottontail · 15/08/2013 23:10

"Scared of upsetting him" is an awful way to live - no one should be in a relationship with someone who makes them feel like that. Your DH should allow you the space to trust your judgement about how best to care for your baby without instilling fear into you. Sounds like his perfectionism has gone way too far (and is misguided if he doesn't understand how a baby can be too tired to cope with a bath!)

Can you get a HV to visit you at home? I know mine are willing to visit whenever I need them to although they don't have any scheduled visits after 6wks.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 23:10

by telling you not to go to A+E he is attempting to isolate you

confide in as many people as you like...friends, family, professionals

but leave him...this you must do