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[Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn]

H and I have married for 7 years. We are totally different people - I am very easy going, he is a perfectionist. We are total opposites in pretty much every way. He is also very hot tempered and when he loses his temper says I am to leave him alone until he calms down so I never get to explain my side of the argument

This year, after countless ivf attempts we gave birth to dd (now 15 weeks) from the outset, he was openly 'amazed' that I didn't automatically know what to do. At one point he said he was worried about going back to work and leaving me, though he did apologise for saying that the following day. I was told by the midwife/hv/GP etc that I was doing a great job. (I'm 41 btw and spent mat of my teenage years babysitting, though admittedly not babies.)

He went back to work, and everything was fine until last week (he actually acknowledged at one point I was doing an excellent job). Then he following things happened:

• dd was on a low ottoman I use to change her on, when she managed to kick back and push herself onto the changing bag below. She fell a few inches. I was distraught and called h to say I was taking her to A&E. h reassured me she was fine (and she is)
• I put the bins out. H asked me where dd was when I did it. I said she was in the house. He said I shouldn't leave her. Fair enough.
• I ran a bath for dd that h said was too hot. Unforgivable of me.

This evening we went out to a BBQ with some friends. We got back an hour and a half ago and decided to give dd a quick bath. Following the earlier incident I bought a bath thermometer. When running the bath the temp was always 36/37 degrees. H tested the water before putting dd in. On putting her in she cried. I am convinced she was overtired ( I am typing this from her room as she won't settle). H does not believe in overtired as a concept. (We had been bathing her at 9pm but she has been too tired so I tried to move it forward. I explained to h that everything I read suggests dd can't go longer than 2 hours awake so we need to be thinking of putting her to bed earlier. H replied I read too many books and that was absolute rubbish.

H says te bath water was too hot and iam not to be trusted. I tried to explain about her being overtired, but he just said if I had admitted I was wrong he could have understood it, but my further denials only prove I am deluded and in a world of my own. He say she is considering getting a childminder in.

I don't know if I truly am a shit mum, or if im being gaslighted, or both. I don't know what to do as he makes me doubt myself, then tells me I'm indecisive or weak.

Sorry this is so long..

You have so much to deal with at the moment with your newborn and you are doing fine. You are being emotionally abused and he is getting worse when you are at your most vulnerable as a new mum

Go to your sure start centre, they often have a representative from Women's aid who would come in one day a week. you need to understand that his behaviour is not normal and he is trying to eat away at yoru confidence.I guess he is coming home from work late so wants your DD to stay up for his convenience.

Just try and shift her into the usual 7am-7pm routine, so that she is not becoming overtired.
Unfortunately men like your H will not be "told".

He doesn't have depression. My mother suffered from it for most of my youth. Still does from time to time

I know you probably don't want more egs, by my brother and sil came down for an evening (they were with us for 2hours) and my sil had dd. h told me to take her back from dd, not sure why, and this evening said he was surprised I wasn't hovering to take her back. I tried to say I have dd all the time, so actually someone else who loves her holding her is a nice break. I asked him why he didn't take her, but I can't remember what he said other than that I'm weird. Oddly, my mil comes round as often as I let her (normally 2 afternoons for a couple of hours) but that's ok, apparently.

Why, when I can hold an intelligent, reasoned conversation at work, can't I hold my own with him?

He's put so much effort into undermining you that he now has you doubting yourself.

Babies roll off things. The most surprising of things. They don't always enjoy baths. (Hell, I've cried, as an adult, when a bath has been too cold for me. Several times!)

DH fell downstairs with DS1 in his arms once. Did I criticise DH? No. I recognised that the stair carpet was wrong for our steep stairs and insisted we replaced it.

Your man is a complete twatwaffle.

Absolutely everything you have listed is something every parent has done. None of it makes you unfit. You bought a bath thermometer and he still accused you of running the bath to hot. Your baby had a very mild accident and he over ruled your desire to get it checked due to an unfounded paranoia that it we somehow get you flagged as bad parents. Not good.

May I offer a tiny bit of advice?

Please phone your health visitor and ask for an appointment at the clinic so your partner cannot be present. If you explain that it is really important and you really need to speak to somebody, they should be able to arrange something. A Heath visitor's role is to support you and help you, for the sake of you and your child.

Making an appointment is much better than turning up at a weigh in clinic and needing time to talk one to one.

If the Heath visitor asks the question "is everything alright at home?" This is your cue to tell her and open up. It is a very vague and subtle way of opening the doors to discuss domestic abuse.

Please be open and honest, maybe speak with your gp as well, nobody can help you if they don't know what you are going through.

best wishes

Why, when I can hold an intelligent, reasoned conversation at work, can't I hold my own with him?

You cannot reason with unreasonable people. He doesn't want to reason with you, or hold an intelligent dialogue. He wants to control you.

Squidgy - dd does usually sleep through the night, and will sometimes wake around 8am. If she wakes around 5/6am i generally gring her into bed with me and she dn sleep quite late (9am this morninf).Should I wake her at 7am? H can't see why I get up early when I should spend the time in bed. When she was days old and family came round, he couldn't understand why I wouldn't sleep. I was ebf at he time, but apparently I wouldn't be helped.

I am definitely going to go to the sure start centre. We have 2 here, one small and one large, so I guess I'm better off finding one one at the larger one to talk to..

Why, when I can hold an intelligent, reasoned conversation at work, can't I hold my own with him?

Because, lovely, he is an abuser and he is fucking with your head. People like this are very, very manipulative, it does not matter how clever you are (and you must be to have a post grad!) it does not matter how confident or assertive or nice or reasonable or any other thing. They will tie you in knots and leave you wondering why you are struggling, because you won't even notice them doing it. They don't have to be clever, they just have a way of doing this that is really really hard to avoid, especially when you're trying to relate to him as a normal, reasonable person.

See how its starting to wear you down already.

You think just because he says you are unfit his word is gospel and everyone else will think so too, despite posting earlier that your MW/HV/GP think you are doing fine.

He may report you, he may not. If he does there will be at most a brief investigation where you will be found to be doing fine as the other healthcare professionals have said.
However he may just threaten you with it to try to keep you in line.

The longer you stay the worse it will get until he won't let you touch her. He is already trying to take responsibility away from you by trying to force you to have a childminder look after your Dd when you are perfectly capable.

She is your one weakness he can exploit. He is setting the stage to have you declared mentally unfit to look after her.

If he were to say involve social services the first place they'd go to is your GP/HV/MW who will all have a vastly different tale to tell.
The only way to stop him making you doubt yourself is to get away from him. He is manipulative and abusive and is using his own child as a weapon against her mother.

Dontknow you have done nothing wrong. Please believe that. You have a hv, who probably perceives him as a prick too.

I don't know what he thinks he's doing, but its not good for you or dd. Ship him out to his flat. He doesn't deserve a family, he's a prick.

I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did. Be strong.

the incident was the bath.

So after the bath incident he "bragged that he could do or say whatever he wanted"

That shows that it was never about you or the baby it was simply about him exerting his power & control over you. Making you feel small & useless made him feel big.

Turnip - that's true. If I try he will just repeat -'are you saying its my fault' over and over.

Shaky - thanks. I will give them a call and make an appointment tomorrow.

Whatever happens, I need to maintain my confidence and be strong for dd.

Yes, Sure Start have Home Start helpers you can access through them. You can also access Councelling and Women's Aid. They are there to help you.

You are not doing anything wrong. People love to hold babies and there is no reason why you shouldn't let them, especially family! There should be no reason for your H to think this is odd.

I read in another thread that DV can quite often start in pregnancy or after a child is born. Your H cannot say or do what he likes.

If you can get help from your Syre Start centre then you can decide what steps to take next.

he obviously makes you feel uncomfortable as if he is ulterior to you.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relaitionship

T started with very smal hing that made me feel inferior and escalated from there. However, that is only my experience, I wish I had seen the signs and spoken up sooner

• ulterior was meant to say inferior.

Good luck tomorrow

It sounds like you're a great mum trying to do the best for your DD - none of your behaviour is a cause for concern.

I agree with the advice to speak to someone at the surestart centre. I would also consider if it is possible for you & DD to move out and get some space if necessary. Your confidence is gradually being eroded, and you're being bullied. Is it healthy for DD to be around your DH when he is like that?

Sending you - you will get through this.

As the Manic Street Preachers wisely sing, 'if you tolerate this, then your children will be next'.

You poor thing, he sounds horrible. He should be supportive, encouraging and loving towards you - all the time, and especially now that your dd is here and you are a bit vulnerable. He needs to grow up and realise that if he wants the best for his DD then he needs to help you be the best mum you can be and he needs to play his part too.

(I have a 17 week old baby and she can't really go much more than 2 hours without a little nap. She gets narky and cries and hates it if we bath her then, she loves her bath otherwise.)

Wow he sounds like a bit if an arrogant, undermining plonker.

You sound like you're doing a great job and should be trusting your instincts.

Haven't read all the thread, but this guy is abusing you. Saying you' be done for negligence, doesn't want you to take baby to A&E for fear of a record! I had to pause when you said 'why can't you hold your own in a conversation with him?' From own experience that would be BECAUSE HE WONT LET YOU. Sorry to shout, but he doesn't want you to be strong, capable, loving mum on a learning curve. (It's not fucking instinct: maternity behaviour in primates is learned!)
You can go to your Sure Start centre, they are usually staffed with trained people. Tell them about what your husband says and does, often they liaise with women's groups etc.

I'm so pleased you contacted this group; you've got some great advice and support here - you will get more whenever you need it. You are doing a great job with your baby; your partner is deliberately undermining you

Stay in touch and let us know how you get on

OP after reading your posts, I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you're doing just fine with DD. none of us is programmed with knowledge on how to be a perfect parent, but you sound like you're learning really quickly, and you have a great relationship with DD. it would be more worrying if you thought you had every answer and never had a mishap.

The fact that you are doing it for long hours alone with a gaslighting, abusive, gloating asshat of an OH makes your accomplishments even greater.

I won't go over the excellent advice given above. But if nothing else moves you, please imagine what it would be like for your child to grow up with a father who continually belittles her mother. A father who believes that knowledge should be innate - how will she feel when she's learning to walk/talk/read/ride a bike and her father starts to sneer and undermine her confidence? Not to mention teaching her that abusive relationships are a normal model.

Please, please, please go talk to your HV/GP. Print our your original post and ask them to read it and tell you if they think those things are normal. Get advice and support here. Seriously think about leaving him. It's possible that he will see the light about his behaviour, but to be honest I'm not sure I could ever trust a man who continually and routinely tries to belittle, confuse, and upset the mother of his child.

MN can really help you here. Please don't just disappear off and hope things will improve.

And when he says "are you saying it's my fault" try saying "yep."

The sad thing for you is he is doing this on purpose to undermine and belittle you. Why would a loving if overprotective new father do that? Because he is not loving. His "I can do anything" comment outs him as the abuser he is. He enjoys your distress and for that alone it's game over

You are not an unfit mother. You sound like you are doing a great job as a mother. You need to get away from this abusive controlling man before he damages you and your DD. Honestly OP, I'm not a LTB poster, but this is terrible.

Reach out for help. You can do it. Good luck.