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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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110 replies

Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 22:35

H and I have married for 7 years. We are totally different people - I am very easy going, he is a perfectionist. We are total opposites in pretty much every way. He is also very hot tempered and when he loses his temper says I am to leave him alone until he calms down so I never get to explain my side of the argument

This year, after countless ivf attempts we gave birth to dd (now 15 weeks) from the outset, he was openly 'amazed' that I didn't automatically know what to do. At one point he said he was worried about going back to work and leaving me, though he did apologise for saying that the following day. I was told by the midwife/hv/GP etc that I was doing a great job. (I'm 41 btw and spent mat of my teenage years babysitting, though admittedly not babies.)

He went back to work, and everything was fine until last week (he actually acknowledged at one point I was doing an excellent job). Then he following things happened:

  • dd was on a low ottoman I use to change her on, when she managed to kick back and push herself onto the changing bag below. She fell a few inches. I was distraught and called h to say I was taking her to A&E. h reassured me she was fine (and she is)
  • I put the bins out. H asked me where dd was when I did it. I said she was in the house. He said I shouldn't leave her. Fair enough.
  • I ran a bath for dd that h said was too hot. Unforgivable of me.

This evening we went out to a BBQ with some friends. We got back an hour and a half ago and decided to give dd a quick bath. Following the earlier incident I bought a bath thermometer. When running the bath the temp was always 36/37 degrees. H tested the water before putting dd in. On putting her in she cried. I am convinced she was overtired ( I am typing this from her room as she won't settle). H does not believe in overtired as a concept. (We had been bathing her at 9pm but she has been too tired so I tried to move it forward. I explained to h that everything I read suggests dd can't go longer than 2 hours awake so we need to be thinking of putting her to bed earlier. H replied I read too many books and that was absolute rubbish.

H says te bath water was too hot and iam not to be trusted. I tried to explain about her being overtired, but he just said if I had admitted I was wrong he could have understood it, but my further denials only prove I am deluded and in a world of my own. He say she is considering getting a childminder in.

I don't know if I truly am a shit mum, or if im being gaslighted, or both. I don't know what to do as he makes me doubt myself, then tells me I'm indecisive or weak.

Sorry this is so long..

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 23:11

He's always been hot headed, and he knows it too. Phiney - he is always saying how hard h's childhood was, but surely he point is that we improve things for dd, not try to make her suffer.

A while ago I noticed dd got tired at about 9pm so suggested we bathe her at 8.30 to put her to bed at 9pm. H protested he would never see her. Last night when I said she needed to go to bed earlier, but we needed to find a compromise so he could spend quality time with her, he immediately said I was saying it was his fault. I wasn't meaning that at all.

I was thinking of talking to my sil, who is very wise, but not close by. My best friend also lives at he other end of the country.

We have gone through patches like his before, but mainly due to the stress of ivf. Before, though, i would ignore him btil he got over himself. Between patches, we have a great relationship i need to find my confidence again. I can't think of anyone to talk to who would also talk to him.

OP posts:
craftycottontail · 15/08/2013 23:11

('H' sorry - he doesn't sound like a DH at all)

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 23:14

You are going to try and find a way to stay with him, instead of finding a way to get away from him, aren't you

This is a massive mistake

You will pay for it, and so will your daughter

skyeskyeskye · 15/08/2013 23:18

You need somebody with a lot of baby experience to talk to him to make him see that you are doing ok. Babies cry for all sorts of reasons and he needs to know that.

Do you have a Children's Centre near you? They have Home Start visitors who will come to your house and help you.

If your H has anxiety issues then he should seek medical help for himself.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 23:18

It is the patches of great relationship that he will use to gaslight you more, he can't be that bad when there are ok times right? Wrong.

He has chosen to show you nice him then. Now that he isn't in control you are seeing the real him.

Please don't let memories of a great past lead you into a shit future. He is abusing you and he is affecting the precious first months with your beautiful baby. It shouldn't be this way.

Monty27 · 15/08/2013 23:18

Why don't you talk to him? I think you're going to have to tbh.

You MUST be allowed to enjoy that baby and dd must be allowed to show her emotions and needs without being ignored.

The sooner the better imo.

MariaLuna · 15/08/2013 23:19

Btw he told me not to go to A&E as they would ask questions. He told me my behaviour is negligence

Nasty nasty man.

Yes, he is gaslighting you. And undermining you.

Baby can't be overtired?? WTF? Even an adult can be overtired....

I guess he can't take the change in dynamics, now you are the mother and he feels left out, boohoo, he sounds deranged telling you all that shit.

Please please reach out to someone IRL. Women's Aid for instance.

Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 23:20

Thank you. I need to think about what to do, and who to speak to. None of the hv's I've seen look the kind to convince him

Anyfucker - I know. I know that by going to A&E that it would be reported to someone, but I also am sure that I have nothing to hide. I would have been happy for someone to follow up, if that had been deemed necessary

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 23:22

Fucking hell, he actually sounds scary :( You say the HV system where you are? ARe you in the UK? Do NOT talk to your SIL.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 23:23

You shouldn't be looking for someone to "convince him" how to be a decent father and partner

You need to get yourself, and your child, the fuck away from him

LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 23:26

You know what, you probably didn't need to take your DD to A&E and all that would have happened is they would have checked her over and sent you on your way. My DD is a resilient wee lass and pretty much doesn't get sick so the only time she has ever been to the doctors is to minor injuries Blush i think we have four records now, back to back - not one question has ever been asked, no eyebrows raised (apart from the slightly over protective parent alert maybe).

What is of concern here is his reaction - using that to scare you. It absolutely would not be reported to anyone - the baby fell, you took her to get checked out, what is there to report?

Monty27 · 15/08/2013 23:27

One day I told my exdh I was taking dd who was 3 to get new shoes. My idea was that he could look after ds who was a couple of months old as he hadn't seen much of him since he was born. Exdh said he was going to call social services and report me, well not sure for what, I think he was meaning 'abandonment', I laughed at him and left him standing there holding ds. I was back in a couple of hours and he wouldn't speak to me for days. He also used to tell me I had PND, which I hadn't. I just wanted the prick to act as a dh and df. We seperated when dc's were 1.10 and 4 yo. It was excruciating.

Do you want that? No. Thought not.

Twinklestein · 15/08/2013 23:27

I can only echo what others have said: he is a deeply controlling man, and none of what he says is because he really believes you're a poor mother, he's just doing it to control you & undermine your confidence. Emotionally you are in a dangerous situation OP. You may not realise it, but this is serious.

After one of the incidents last week he bragged to me that he could do or say whatever he wanted.

I'd like to know what this incident was? And can he do & say 'whatever' he wants?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 23:27

As AF says, this is not about convincing him. He's not doing this out of ignorance. He is doing it to undermine you, to eat away at your confidence.

For fucks sake, he is saying you are not capable of running a bath.

Do you have your own money? Could you leave easily?

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/08/2013 23:28

He is gaslighting you so the power balance of parenting is shifted in his favour.
Tell everyone now (Dr, HV etc), you don't want to be in a position years later where he has undermined you so much that if you leave you leave without her as you don't think you could cope on your own.

Talk to womens aid.

Your DD is only 15 weeks and he is trying to remove you from your role as her mother already.

Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 23:30

Anyfucker, yes my instinct is to stay, but yes I need o think about dd. during previous rows he has occasionally said he was thinking about leaving. He hasn't this time, probably as he wouldn't want to leave dd.

Skye - is that the same as sure start? We o have a centre, though I've not been. I also have an appointment o get dd weighed in 2 weeks. I'm not sure I know where to start by telling someone

OP posts:
LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 23:30

The only other thing i can see going on here is depression/anxiety on his side - it is not unknown for fathers to get post natal depression and maybe he feels overwhelmed and scared about being a dad, he can't cope (because he doesn't have to, he has work as a get out and he does't put himself in a position where he has to because he's scared) so can't understand how you cope and its getting skewed in his head. If that is the case he needs help.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 23:32

I would be very careful that he doesn't leave and take your DD with him!! Seriously

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 23:33

Please don't even think about medicalising his abuse of you with an armchair diagnosis of depression

Whatever the fuck is wrong with him, he needs to sort his act out well away from you and your daughter

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 23:35

Men who are anxious about having a baby turn to their partner and admit they are struggling. They do not abuse the mother of their child.

OP, my ex told me, the day after I came home from hospital with DD1, that I was a shit mother, that I would not cope and that my baby would be taken away. It took me 6 months to build up the courage to kick him out.

It was the best decision I ever made.

Original poster
Dontkmowwhichwaytoturn · 15/08/2013 23:35

Twinkle - the incident was the bath.

Monty - He says he doesn't know where my brain is, meaning I don't think things through properly. I actually have a degree, post grad qualification and manage a team of people at work.

Financially, it would be complicated. He does have a flat he rents out. Though could he not use the incidents to say I am unfit?

LEM - sorry, I meant my brother's wife, not h's sister.

OP posts:
scripsi · 15/08/2013 23:36

There is something rather sadistic here and it is quite chilling. OP you may feel too weak but you can and must get away. AF has it bang on.

LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 23:39

if it wasn't so tragic it would be funny, use the incidents to say you are unfit????? really? he has messed with your head.

Has he only just got this way or has he always been controlling?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/08/2013 23:40

He could try. But no one would class you as unfit. If he tried to make things up, they would investigate and they would see through him.

It all looks very scary right now. But you are more than capable of being a mother, and you can do that alone.

TurnipCake · 15/08/2013 23:41

Definitely talk to Women's Aid. And listen to AnyFucker; don't go trying to look for a diagnosis to explain his behaviour - I'm prone to depression and crippling anxiety but have never abused anyone.