dh drunk and pissing on floor....advice pls...

[marinotvari]

need some advice about drunk dh. im 7 months preg with dc1.
dh has made a habit recently of getting really drunk about once a week (occasionally more). he usually comes home around 12.30 am, flops on the bed and passes out.I find it very hard being preg and sleeping next to his farting,snoring,booze smelling self so usually get no sleep when this happens.
he was out last night watching the football and he came home in his usual state, fell asleep across the bed, despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge.he woke up after an hour and started pissing ALL OVER THE FLOOR.my back was turned and I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing, so I never said a word at the time.....but I need some advice about how to deal with this.
he didn't mention it before he left for work this morn but the carpet was obvs wet,I then text him asking if he remembered peeing on the bedroom carpet, no response.he came in from work and it hasn't been mentioned.
do I laugh this off and threaten to buy him a potty and sanitary pads if it happens again, should I get furious (I feel furious) with him and let him know how unacceptable this is, or should I wait for him to bring it up? he hasn't attempted to clean the carpet or anything yet and I'm not doing it for him.
oddly enough it doesn't smell too strong of pee. it's less than a foot away from where our cot is going....

I am remembering when dd was about 18mths old and dp went out to watch the footie and was sick on the sofa and all the next day.

Tackle him? While he was still pissed? You fucking bet I did.

And it's never happened since. Dd is now 10.

The OP will not be able to say that because she was already too scared to tackle him because she knew what he was going to be like.

but Jan - she doesn't actually know why he's getting so drunk once a week. She hasn't asked him why - she thinks he might be freaking out, but no conversation has taken place, and I have to ask myself, why is that? Would you be happy if your DP did that? Wouldn't you want to know why?

The fact that he pissed on the floor isn't the point. The point is that she had to come on to MN to ask if it was OK to draw it to his attention and get him to clean it up. That does not sound to me like someone who is confident that by saying 'what the hell were you about last night', she knows she will get full on apologies, scrubbing the carpet, promises to take stock of his drinking, as a given.

It just sounds too much like the OP is too afraid to talk to him about his drinking, and impending fatherhood.

Mrs Oak: sorry but I don't agree; the OP states very clearly that this is out of character for him (like it can be for lots of people when under the influence).

I'm afraid in the world I live in, men, and yes even women piss themselves or the floor when drunk, it happens, it's life, it's shit.

I am not advising her to put up with anything, I am advising her to sort it out with him and give him the ultimatum, i.e., it can't happen again. I think she also needs to take him to task over his weekly drinking. He may actually be mortified and in denial, until they talk about it, we can speculate on here and shout LTB until the cows comes home, she's not going to do that, she wants to find out why this has happened and how, as a married couple they go forward, I hope the two of them can find a way through it.

Hi OP,

Absolutly no excuse at all for turning the room into a "Water Feature", but,

"dh has made a habit recently of getting really drunk about once a week."

Why recently?What's changed that might prompt this?

Sounds like a man(child) totally shitscared of the responsabilty that the new arrival brings to me (and speaking as a Dad to be with DW 6 months pregnant it is bloody scary for all kinds of reasons)- You need to talk to him, but, of course if there's any sign of DV then leave!

and like I said before there's no excuse whatsoever.

lem I do have a child but I'm actually in a fantastic relationship. He is considerate to me and DC, cooks,cleans, leaves the toilet seat down etc. Its rare he goes out with his friends on the beer, literally months inbetween. On occasion he's been an arse with it but I think everyone is capable of being a bit of a knob when they've had one too many, myself included.

DS real dad was a drunk. Not a once a week have a beer with his friends that went too far. He drank everyday. He got increasingly abusive in every sense of the word when I was pregnant, though there were occasions before. It ended with him shoving my around my kitchen when he came in drunk and woke me up, screaming in my face. I curled into a ball naked on the floor. I should have left ages ago. In the end he left me.

I think the situations and prob those of others that have posted are very different. OP says he's a nice bloke all other times but she's fed up with the excessive drinking once a week. She didn't say anything because he's half asleep and drunk, I take her abusive as being more telling her to F off than anything else. It's not acceptable, but it's not worth ending a marriage for at this stage. They need to talk it out, find a resolution together they're both happy with. I'm sorry if that sounds ridiculous but that's marriage!

If they can't agree after they've tried to have a proper this is what will happen if we carry on like this discussion, then by all means separate.

Jan my experience isn't clouding my judgement, surely having been in the same situation or similar im better placed to give meaningful advice.
op didn't explicitly say she was scared of him but it was implied.
op- i have been in your situation, i really feel for you i know how confused and sad you must be.
my ex got help for his drink when i was 8 months pregnant but whilst i was in hospital having ds he fell of the wagon
i left him when ds was 3months after he came in steaming and fell on the Moses basket thank god ds was in bed with me.
i finally realised what a liability he was. the thought of him being near my perfect clean beautiful baby just made me sick.ds deserved better and still does, the struggle continues with ex drinking and I've just had to stop contact completely.
addicts are the most selfish people.
you need to give him an ultimatum and mean it.

Jan - not sure which bit of my post you don't agree with? You haven't actually addressed any of the points I made in it? I didn't mention anywhere the regularity, or otherwise, of him pissing on the floor.

fifi: well said and sorry you suffered with the ex like that.

fifi - you say they need to talk it out, but this is a man who has not discussed his drinking with her (she is guessing why he's doing it), it sounds like he either doesn't know (because she hasn't told him) or doesn't care that on those nights he's stopping her sleeping, and who she is unsure how to tell him something that to any decent man should be blindingly obvious. There is a clear lack of communication between them, and I and others are concerned as to why that might be.

mrs she hasn't asked, he hasn't told. They aren't communicating well and his behaviour is out of order. Rather than LTB I think it's time to open the channels of communication and work on putting it right if its something that can be worked through before it gets anymore out of hand. She needs to know the whys, he needs to know the boundaries.

I am sorry Op but I would leave - I wish I had done when my ex behaved in this way. When my daughter was 2 days old he got this drunk, and I asked him to sleep on the sofa, and he got very violent. I remember looking at my 2 day old in my arms and sobbing and apologising to her for what he was like and what he had done. And you know what, I flipping stayed with him and minimised his behaviour - and I stayed for years. I was vulnerable, ended up with pnd and he spent many years nearly destroying us. We have now got rid, but I really wish I had seen the light back then. The damage he has done to both of us, well it is immeasurable really. And he still thinks he can drink and handle it. I will never drink again.

I would recommend you speak to Women's Aid, perhaps to your midwife too. Nothing you can say or do will change his behaviour, you cannot love him better, none of this is your fault, and you must never tolerate behaviour which frightens or puts you in harm's way. I really hope you can see that you deserve to feel safe and loved. And if you have to be on your own with your child you will be fine, lots of us manage it, and you can too - I promise.

OP - my dh and I went through almost exactly the same situation as you; me pregnant, him getting drunk regularly and pissing everywhere.
It didn't actually matter what I said to him, he carried on doing it - and on one 'memorable' night pissing over all the brand new nursery stuff we had bought that day.

I was too fecking stupid to make and keep any ultimatums for a long time, and to my everlasting shame, our (very young) dcs saw him behaving like this - he even managed to get an electric shock from urinating on a live socket!

That incident was the last though - I finally managed to stick to my guns and made him understand that his behaviour was totally unacceptable, and disgusting; that this must be the last time or we were over.

He had always maintained that he didn't realise that he was doing it; he is a binge alcoholic (teetotal now) and said that he did it when he 'blacked out'. However, the random pissing stopped totally before the drinking, so I know that he had some control over where he went, but he just didn't give a damn.

A very un-MN ((hug)) for you from me.

still here, still reading responses,I really do appreciate everything everyone has said.

I think the advice about communicating better is very sound.
this situation is not something I'm prepared to leave him for, just now, but seeing how other situations have escalated has been eye opening. if we manage to talk it out properly and then something similar happens again then I can see where the the 'ltb' advisors are coming from and would seriously consider it at that point.

thanks for the feedback.

So, er, who cleaned the piss up and when?

There are however, no guarantees re alcoholism marinotvari and you need to realise that fact. This man could go onto lose you, his child, his job, well everything actually and still drink after all that.

Bear in mind also that communication has to be and needs to be two way. Talking to him may well however, prove to be a wasted effort on your part. He may also clam up completely if you at all try and talk to him about his drinking or just as bad, accuse you of "nagging" him. Alcoholism is simply not resolved by talking; if there is any recovery the alcoholic has to initiate that, not anyone connected with the alcoholic. You are also too close to be of any real help to him, what you have tried to date has not worked so a complete rethink on your part is needed anyway.

Do not forget that he likely does not think he has any sort of alcohol problem and is deep in denial himself. His primary relationship is with drink.

I can see why you are not prepared to leave yet as you feel and are very vulnerable being heavily pregnant. You need him currently.

I would however, make alternate plans for the birth as he may not be able to drive you to the hospital due to him perhaps still being over the limit. Is this man going to be with you during labour?. Also post birth he may prove to be completely disappointing and will use wetting the baby's head as yet another excuse to get drunk again.

If he is indeed an alcoholic it will not do your child any favours to be brought up in a household where one parent is a drunkard. It will leave that child with a whole host of emotional problems long term. You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

I told him to do it today then went out and left him to it. he did seem mortified and had no idea where he had actually pee'd.

I'm out at a friend's just now. he knows I want to talk things thru when I get home tonight and I'm looking forward to getting home to my clean carpet

Good luck Marinotvari, I hope it gets sorted out. Maybe Pee-Gate was the wake up call he needs.....

wasn't he at work today?

Today? But it happened on Wednesday night!

Anyway, most people's concerns were to do with your worry about him being aggressive (rather than the drunken piss). What did you think about that? Are people right to be worried?

And what if it is not clean, what if he has done a bodge job on it?.

What will you do if he does this again?.

Not really surprised to see that he did not realise that he had urinated on the carpet (and it will go through to the underlay as well); he was too blind drunk to notice he was actually doing that.

Still think that talking to him will be in the end a wasted effort as he does not really want you of all people to be nagging him. That could well be how he views any chat you have with him.

Good luck OP, I really hope this is the low point.

he is finally cleaning the piss-soaked carpet 2 days later ?

My boyfriend from years ago used to regularly pee in (his) wardrobe when he was one over the yardarm, thinking it was the loo.

Some men can't drink. Some men are arses when they do. Equally, some men find impending faterhood frightening, drink too much on occaision and ignore it. Their spouses need to talk to them about it, or not, or pick their time, according to the tenor of their relationship. I well remember being pregnat with ds and DH being royally drunk, regularly, in the run up, once a week, to the extent that the New Years before his birth I was walking round Hackney Marshes weeping, and saying I would leave him. Why? Because he'd got trollied and passed out while I was 9 months gone. Was he there at the birth? Yes. Did he step up? Yes. Was it a terrible portent of things to come? No. It was a weedy male last blast and it was all fine. Sometimes, now, several kids in, he still gets so trollied on nights out he sleeps on the sofa. So do I. But not every incidence is dreadful. Only the OP can truly know her spouse. If DH ever did that now, he'd get a telling off, if he did it regular, he'd get wiped out. But a little consideration for time, place, and knowing your partner at times of stress might be opportune.

Ok, am I the only one on MN who see's this kind of thing as part of life rather then a 'ltb' scenario? As I said before I know lovely partners/husbands/fathers that have done similar, they were/are not abusive. They made a mistake. Reading MN makes me feel like its only me and dp/our family/friends that ever make mistakes, everyone else seems to live like bloody peter pan and wendy! So he got drunk and pissed on the floor, it happens! That in itself does not make him an alcoholic (said from experience). And how on earth some odd posters think that's going to leaf to him pissing on op/the cot??... -mind boggles- as for not confronting someone thats so pissed they've mistaken the toilet for the bedroom floor is just sensible it doesn't automatically shout DV.
OP I think your being v sensible in how your dealing with it.