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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh drunk and pissing on floor....advice pls...

178 replies

marinotvari · 15/08/2013 20:20

need some advice about drunk dh. im 7 months preg with dc1.
dh has made a habit recently of getting really drunk about once a week (occasionally more). he usually comes home around 12.30 am, flops on the bed and passes out.I find it very hard being preg and sleeping next to his farting,snoring,booze smelling self so usually get no sleep when this happens. Sad
he was out last night watching the football and he came home in his usual state, fell asleep across the bed, despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge.he woke up after an hour and started pissing ALL OVER THE FLOOR.my back was turned and I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing, so I never said a word at the time.....but I need some advice about how to deal with this.
he didn't mention it before he left for work this morn but the carpet was obvs wet,I then text him asking if he remembered peeing on the bedroom carpet, no response.he came in from work and it hasn't been mentioned.
do I laugh this off and threaten to buy him a potty and sanitary pads if it happens again, should I get furious (I feel furious) with him and let him know how unacceptable this is, or should I wait for him to bring it up? he hasn't attempted to clean the carpet or anything yet and I'm not doing it for him.
oddly enough it doesn't smell too strong of pee. it's less than a foot away from where our cot is going.... Angry

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 15/08/2013 22:26

Laugh it off that he pissed all over the floor while you are 7 months pregnant?

Oh, please, laugh it off when you have dumped him and got yourself sorted. You and your beautiful baby. Hopefully you have got your DM or family/friends to go to.

Otherwise I would phone Womens Aid.

goodenuffmum · 15/08/2013 22:36

Oh marin
I felt all my old memories of being in the same place as you are now come flooding back as I read your post.

I pretended to be asleep so that he wouldn't start a row after coming home drunk..that worked for a while until he worked out he could turn on the lights and start shouting Sad

Thankfully he always made it to the bathroom (but not always the toilet Angry)

Eventually the best I got was that he stayed out all night coming home as my DS got up.

I kept hoping he would grow up and become the father his DC needed. It didn't work and he left 5 months ago. I sooo wish I had kicked him out years ago.

Since then my 13 yo DS has told me about the names his "D"F called me when drunk.

My stbxh is an alcoholic but in denial. Al Anon has taught me that if someone's drinking gets them into trouble with their relationships or work and they keep on drinking then they have a problem with their drinking.

Good luck with your new baby and the next wonderful phase of your life xxx

SomethingOnce · 15/08/2013 23:38

If he gets this drunk, I don't think he's safe around a child, especially a newborn.

Inertia · 15/08/2013 23:54

My DH gets drunk , very occasionally.

He giggles a bit and tells me the same stories from the pub more than once. I never ever fear that he will be nasty and abusive , even when drunk.

If the fear of your drunk husband being abusive towards you while you are heavily pregnant is enough to make you cower away from saying anything while he pisses all over your bedroom, then you really cannot afford to laugh this off. Your baby will be right in line next time your husband comes in plastered to piss his way round the room, and unfortunately won't know that he or she has to be quiet and pretend to be asleep in order to avoid abuse.

QuintessentialOldDear · 16/08/2013 00:01

If you are scared of him, and he is abusive if you wake him up when he is drunk, will he also be abusive to the baby that just woke up screaming for his/her nightfeed in the night?

Sheshelob · 16/08/2013 00:13

I have to pitch in. My party boy of a DH got his shit together soon into my pregnancy. If he had pissed on the floor when I was 7 months pregnant, I would have drowned him in it. No fucking joke.

The fact you were too frightened to say anything when you witnessed him pissing on the floor speaks volumes.

Stop thinking about his feelings. He's a fully grown man, not a little boy. You will have an actual child to look after soon. He needs to understand just how much of a line he has crossed. And you need to stop making excuses for him.

WhiteandGreen · 16/08/2013 02:04

I can't believe that people are saying LTB after one incident. Without a warning? Seems a bit harsh, do people really do that?

waltermittymissus · 16/08/2013 02:19

It's not one incident though, is it?

He's been getting blind drunk every week.

He's obviously got form for nastiness or why would OP know he'd be nasty and abusive if she interrupted him (her words).

Sometimes reactions on her seem extreme. Unfortunately, more often than not it's because posters have been there and know how the story ends.

WhiteandGreen · 16/08/2013 02:23

If he's great in all other ways, and you are consistently happy with him, then in this situation you really have to insist he sleeps in the other room when he's drunk. And a warning of where it's taking him if he doesn't do that.

waltermittymissus · 16/08/2013 02:24

despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge

Seems she's already tried this.

ravenAK · 16/08/2013 02:39

It's not the one incident. It's the not acknowledging/dealing with it, for example, by apologising profusely to one's partner & cleaning up one's mess.

Also, it's not one incident - OP has had at least weekly incidents of him passing out for some time. Also, he was asked to sleep on sofa bed so as not to disturb his heavily pg dw, didn't, & she was scared to wake him as he's 'abusive' when pissed.

Lizzabadger · 16/08/2013 06:34

Leave. Don't bring a child into this.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2013 07:31

WAG, do you seriously think posters lay their lives out in desperation on here after just one incident ? Get real.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 16/08/2013 07:41

It's not one incident.

People can do stupid things when they are drunk, that's true.

Getting drunk once a week at least, ignoring your pregnant wife when she asks you to sleep elsewhere that night because your drunkeness disturbs her sleep, pissing on the floor and ignoring it, that can't just be passed off as a one off, stupid, drunken mistake.

And the fact that the OP can't speak to him and tell him to stop pissing on the floor whilst it is happening because he will get abusive is the most worrying part.

Imagine if he gets this drunk once the baby is here. And the baby disturbs him in his drunkeness state by crying?
What happens then?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2013 08:28

You won't like what I am going to say either.

The 3cs re alcoholism apply:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Your H is a drunkard and has a drink problem that may well predate your own relationship with him.

Get him out of your house now and seek legal advice re separation. Growing up in such a household with him around daily will do your as yet unborn child no favours at all. Life with an alcoholic is always but always a nightmare for all the people who end up tiptoeing around the alcoholic.

You're playing a role here in this dysfunction like it or not; your role that you are currently playing is one of enabler (making excuses for him and covering up) and codependent. By staying you are not helping him, not that he wants your help in the first place. There are a lot of elements of co-dependency within such relationships and that is certainly an unhealthy state to be in.

forumdonkey · 16/08/2013 08:37

I agree with TantrumsAndBalloons, if OP feels she can't say anything due to his aggression while drunk wtf will happen if the baby starts screaming?

I think for me the most disturbing thing for me is that OP feels she can't have a go at his unreasonable behaviour and pissing on the floor and the fact that this is a weekly occurrence for her now. Add to that that her DH would seem to be aggressive when in this state.

stubbornstains · 16/08/2013 08:51

He is giving himself permission to get this drunk, and to lose control. Part of this "nice guy" actively wants to treat you like this, and he is allowing himself to get drunk so that he can let it out. Sad.

calmingtea · 16/08/2013 09:14

Listen to AF and Attila.

I can tell you that these sort of men, 99% of the time get worse once the baby has arrived, because of stress/depression/reaction to fatherhood/add any other poor excuse. The bottom line is this behaviour is far from normal, and you accepting/normalising it is not healthy for you. If you allow it to continue, it will affect your health & well-being and your child.

He has not mentioned the carpet. That he pissed all over. That is not normal. Your being scared of him drunk - not normal.

You need to have a real hard think about where your boundaries are regarding his drinking and socialising, and start putting your needs and wants first, you are heavily pregnant and he is a drunk man-child.

Tanggodown1 · 16/08/2013 09:25

Op please listen to what is being said here...

I can rennet being in your shoes and I believed that he wouldn't effect my baby we went on to have more children and now I have left I realise how much he has effected them

His behaviour escalated over the years
It's very sad x

RoseFlowerFairy · 16/08/2013 09:33

If you are planning on having a newborn in the same room, breathing in his farts and alcohol etc, that is not on.

He may even piss on the baby.

He has no respect at all, taking over the bed and pissing on the floor. He is a bastard as he is not apologising and cleaning it up, he has not acknowledged it, he wants you to not say anything.

I can't understand why you want to bring a baby into a life with this man.

OneStepCloser · 16/08/2013 09:41

WAG, I think many of us who have replied on this thread have had drunks in the past with young babies and I can promise you it is not pleasant and telling them to move to a spare bed when they are pissed does not work.

If he`s abusive and the op feels fearful when he is drunk then yes he needs to go, he will not change, he will come up with excuse after excuse as to why he get pissed, its already impending fatherhood next it will be the overwhelming responsibility then the lack of sleep etc etc.... There is nothing more frightening then if you are doing a midnight feed a drunk spouse wanting to take over and getting abusive when you say no. A hangover over one with hangover breathe is absolutly horrendous too, it use to make me sick to my stomach. You are always fearful the moment they start the first drink, if they are a little late from work, have they gone via the pub, etc.... It becomes overwhelming.

Writing these things brings no pleasure to any of us who have been through it, but I rarely comment on relationship threads but this one took me back 18 years to the hellish period of living with someone like that.

I know that some people might think that some of on here are over reacting and Im aware that the op says that this happens once a week, but that is once a week too much. I also see she has not come back to this thread, I totally understand this, its easy to deny what is happening, who wants to admit that their great partner actually frightens them when drinking? Pissing on the floor is not normal drunk behaviour, that is extreme, although, the penny must be dropping for the OP to post and hard as it is for her to read such negative things, hopefully shell see how many of us have been there and managed succesfully to move on from men like this.

OP, I can honestly say looking at my lovely, confident 18 year old dd I did the absolute right thing but not allowing her to grow up with a dad as a happy drunk. And yes, sadly I hear on the grapevine he is still a happy drunk. (having made a decision to not be in his dd life (thank god)).

I really really wish you and your baby the very best in the future.

PeppermintPasty · 16/08/2013 10:08

Good post OSC.

OP, I hope you are ok.

Jan45 · 16/08/2013 10:10

I think for your marriage and your upcoming baby it would be better to try and work it out and resolve rather than LTB - honestly, some folk on here are just stupid, like they would do that if they were in your position - highly unlikely.

Sit him down, have a good chat, one about his excessive drinking and two, what that results in - he needs to clean his act up literally and be a good man that supports his wife - it will be hard to continue to have any respect for him if he's going to carry on, tell him that.

Don't even think about not mentioning it or cleaning it!

OneStepCloser · 16/08/2013 10:32

Live with a drunk who pisses on the floor and your too frightened to say anything because you know they will become abusive do you Jan45?

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits · 16/08/2013 10:43

Really forget about his needs and reactions, you are pregnant,will be a mother and are in it for the long haul. The best you can expect is that he will leave you alone and not get in the way. The worse is..., well you can probably fill that in.
If he needs watching and wont help you, then hes a liability. You need another adult to help you, and it wont be him.
When he sees you coping without him, he might get himself together, but you are a victim of his behaviour and you've got to step up and protect yourself.
Have you got another adult who can help? family, reliable friends?