dh drunk and pissing on floor....advice pls...

[marinotvari]

need some advice about drunk dh. im 7 months preg with dc1.
dh has made a habit recently of getting really drunk about once a week (occasionally more). he usually comes home around 12.30 am, flops on the bed and passes out.I find it very hard being preg and sleeping next to his farting,snoring,booze smelling self so usually get no sleep when this happens.
he was out last night watching the football and he came home in his usual state, fell asleep across the bed, despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge.he woke up after an hour and started pissing ALL OVER THE FLOOR.my back was turned and I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing, so I never said a word at the time.....but I need some advice about how to deal with this.
he didn't mention it before he left for work this morn but the carpet was obvs wet,I then text him asking if he remembered peeing on the bedroom carpet, no response.he came in from work and it hasn't been mentioned.
do I laugh this off and threaten to buy him a potty and sanitary pads if it happens again, should I get furious (I feel furious) with him and let him know how unacceptable this is, or should I wait for him to bring it up? he hasn't attempted to clean the carpet or anything yet and I'm not doing it for him.
oddly enough it doesn't smell too strong of pee. it's less than a foot away from where our cot is going....

Jan45
We all wish we ltb even if we didn't manage it at the time.
I have also been there, 3mo co-sleeping DS, dead drunk H vomiting on the carpet, trying to prevent DS from crying, trying to make sure H didn't swallow his sick or vomit on my parents valuable rugs. He only ruined a handmade cardigan my mum knitted for DS
I got around 3 hours sleep that night.
Managing a drunk at anytime is hideous. With a small baby it becomes soul destroying.

OSC: I don't know what you are asking me but I do know he's not the first man to piss on the floor through being drunk and yes I can understand her not wanting to discuss it with him when he was in his state of inebriation.

I'm proposing she sorts it out with her husband, ie, basically tells him enough is enough. She does not want to end her marriage, she wants him to end his behaviour - if he can do that then they may have a future together with their new baby. Telling him to leave without even trying achieves what exactly?

Asking or telling someone to change their behaviour is basically a waste of time particularly when it comes to alcohol. The alcohol for such people always comes first.

Telling him to leave shows him that there are consequences for his actions.

OP has to put both herself and her unborn child first. Not this person.

Telling him to leave without even trying achieves what exactly?

Erm, it 'basically tells him enough is enough'

The OP hasn't one said she wants advice on how to LTB - she wants to pull him up on his disgusting behaviour and so she should - it doesn't mean he's an alcoholic and will put that before her and the child, I don't get that impression from her post whatsoever. He goes out drinking once a week so that equates to being an alcoholic - ok then, I and my friends must all be chronic then.

Of course demanding he changes his behaviour isn't a waste of time, a waste of a marriage and an impending family, don't think so.

This person happens to be the man she loves and is married to and yes he needs to put her and the baby first - if not, get out, simple as that.

I think for your marriage and your upcoming baby it would be better to try and work it out and resolve rather than LTB - honestly, some folk on here are just stupid, like they would do that if they were in your position - highly unlikely.

Many people have been in this situation and have left, we know what its like unfortunately, I dont think that makes us stupid? Thats why I asked.

Reading through the thread, it seems sadly many of us have been where the op is.

I'm proposing she sorts it out with her husband

Yes, because never forget ladies it is YOUR JOB to police and mother your man - they could never work out for themselves that getting blind drunk and urinating on the floor is unacceptable. I mean, how would they know?

You are talking a lot of shit Jan. She is AFRAID to confront him when he is drunk because he could turn 'abusive' and 'nasty'. He is someone who knows perfectly well what he is doing.

Also, it is fine to leave someone after one incident. There isn't a 3 strikes and you're out rule.

Yuk. I'd leave. I lived with that bullshit with my ex, the father of my kids, cos I thought I had to. Actually, now I know I didn't have to, and my kids are perfectly happy withut him in their house.

Jan45, do you piss on the floor near a baby's bed? Do you leave it for someone else to clean up? Do you become nasty and abusive if an attempt is made to stop you? No?

Then you and your friends are nothing like the OP's partner and you shouldn't be using comparisons to shame her into trying to mend a broken person.

As far as we know this has happened once, and you propose she leaves her marriage and goes it solo with baby about to drop? Ok then, let's disagree.

I'm afraid a lot of folk are allowing their own experiences to cloud their judgement of this situation.

Set out your stall - tolerate this and you'll get ripped off again and he'll get worse or else make him realise the price to pay for such ignorant behaviour.

If you are not the "go Ballistic" type then try the "Name and shame" tactic; tell your friends next time they're round just casually like, as you hand him a beer..."don't drink too much darling, don't want to be cleaning up your mess again..."

LTB is your last resort but it seems a reasonable consideration.

I WAS in this poor woman's position, and I DIDN'T leave the bastard, and he went on to make my life a living hell for the next four years.

And I should have known. I should have understood that his behavior, pissing on the floor, becoming unpleasant when I tried to stop him, demonstrated a basic lack of respect for me and for our child that continued throughout the dying embers of our relationship.

When one person is posting on the Internet pleading for advice, and the other person is pissing on the carpet and being shitty when prevented or challenged, it's not an equal relationship. And in my experience, respect is something that is never ever regained.

He doesn't respect you, OP. He never will.

jan I agree. I've known many a man on their state of drunkeness get up and piss in the laundry, cupboard etc. The fact he pissed where the Moses basket is due to go is in all likelihood just a coincidence. Dealing with anyone who's half asleep drunk is a nightmare, I remember my sister getting in such a state once and telling her friends to all F off and she's not abusive to them in normal circumstances!

The problem is the level of booze he's drinking on that one day a week. If in all other ways he's a good bloke, I'd def vote for a calm, sober discussion about where your relationship is headed and the consequences of his weekly binge over just LTB.

Has his drinking escalated wildly? Or now you aren't joining in, sober and tired is it just more noticeable?

Have a chat. Draw lines in the sand. You want your marriage to work but not with the person he is when he's drunk. Ask if there's a reason. It could just be overcompensating knowing it won't be happening on a few months. He has to know that you find it unacceptable and that you won't put up with it, not just for your sake but for your DC.

Above all.... He cleans the carpet

TondelayoSchwarzkopf: Where have I said it's a woman's job to mother and police their man????? It is not acceptable and I've bloody said that and told her to pull him up as he clearly is in denial so stop twisting my words to suit your own attack of him.

She never said she was AFRAID, if you read it properly she said she didn't pull him up at the time because of the state he was in. Have you tried having a reasonable discussion with a drunk person, it's quite difficult - and POINTLESS.

I doubt he deliberately said, right I am going to piss all over the floor because I know what I am doing. The point is he was in such an uncontrollable state that he did piss on the floor, I would doubt it was pre-meditated.

Yeah, I left my husband cos he got drunk and pissed the carpet - makes perfect sense.

And BTW, for your info', I don't give a flying fuck if you think I am talking shit, this is my advice to the OP, not to you.

You poor thing. How dreadful for you.

Sorry, I agree, you have to LTB.

Jan - thanks for the insults. Calling people stupid is not on. I did LTB (mine didn't confine his mess to piss). Thankfully, there were no children involved. Apart from the 36yo one I left.

She was worried he would turn abusive and nasty if she challenged him.

Ouryve, the LTB brigade is out in full force today.

IMO it's stupid to advise someone to leave their husband over once incident, sorry but that's how I see it.

I think folk are focusing on their own experience instead of actually reading what the OP has said.

jan45 maybe we're just old school and think you try to make a marriage work and LTB is the last resort?

Because their own experience might be relevant perchance?

And please don't belittle other people's intelligence by inferring they haven't read the OP properly.

Sadly I think many of us immediately noticed that she was quite evidently scared of him.

Of course she won't leave him. She was already defending him and playing down what had happened before the end of the first page.

She probably won't come back and tell us when he does it again either, or when he hits her because he's pissing all over his baby's cot and she's trying to stop him.

But she needs to keep reading and realising what will happen.

fifi669 - perhaps, or maybe we just live in the real world where people sometimes fuck up now and again.

jan45 maybe we're just old school and think you try to make a marriage work and LTB is the last resort?

Oh dear, to ridiculous for words.

The drunkenness isn't a one off, Jan. He's getting very drunk, very regularly and very frequently. She already knows how awful he can be when he's drunk. She's asked him to stay away from the marital bed when he's drunk. He's ignored her.

And she's mentioned the mess he's made, the day after, and he's not even had the decency to apologise.

WTF does she have to put up with before, in your eyes, she's deemed to have bent over backwards sufficiently to make the marriage work, while he's just doing as he pleases, getting pissed and not caring about the consequences?

fifi - i am of the opinion that if you are in a relationship where there are children involved and there are issues, you bloody well try and make it work and you do what you need to do to achieve that.

If my DP came home and did that I would be beyond angry and believe me, it would only happen once - but it hasn't happened only once has it and she was too scared to challenge him about it. Even the next day she hasn't asked him to clean it up and i supsect she has done it herself. This happens weekly - fuck that, i'd be long gone.

There are some spectacular demonstrations of missing the point.

Feel for the OP though, she was defending his behaviour less than one page in. I suspect it will escalate; perhaps pissing on the baby's cot, or on her will be the wake-up call that in order to make a marriage work, it takes two willing individuals, and not just one putting aside their happiness and sanity while the other takes the piss (no pun intended)