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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh drunk and pissing on floor....advice pls...

178 replies

marinotvari · 15/08/2013 20:20

need some advice about drunk dh. im 7 months preg with dc1.
dh has made a habit recently of getting really drunk about once a week (occasionally more). he usually comes home around 12.30 am, flops on the bed and passes out.I find it very hard being preg and sleeping next to his farting,snoring,booze smelling self so usually get no sleep when this happens. Sad
he was out last night watching the football and he came home in his usual state, fell asleep across the bed, despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge.he woke up after an hour and started pissing ALL OVER THE FLOOR.my back was turned and I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing, so I never said a word at the time.....but I need some advice about how to deal with this.
he didn't mention it before he left for work this morn but the carpet was obvs wet,I then text him asking if he remembered peeing on the bedroom carpet, no response.he came in from work and it hasn't been mentioned.
do I laugh this off and threaten to buy him a potty and sanitary pads if it happens again, should I get furious (I feel furious) with him and let him know how unacceptable this is, or should I wait for him to bring it up? he hasn't attempted to clean the carpet or anything yet and I'm not doing it for him.
oddly enough it doesn't smell too strong of pee. it's less than a foot away from where our cot is going.... Angry

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 15/08/2013 20:34

No you are not being a pushover. You need to talk to him and set some boundries. I wouldn't go so fat as ltb.

My DH has looked after me when i'vw been vomitingly drunk. I'm not proud, incredibly embarressed in fact. Its happened twice in 12 yrs. I wouldn't expect him leave me.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2013 20:35

You need to leave this person.

Vivacia · 15/08/2013 20:35

I'm mortified I would even have to set that as a deal breaker in our marriage.

Why? Because it's so embarrassing that he'd do it in the first place you mean?

JustBecauseICan · 15/08/2013 20:36

Nottalotta- do you think your husband would be scared to wake you when you are pissed in case you are abusive?

Exactly.

MrsOakenshield · 15/08/2013 20:36

I think the fact that you don't know whether to mention it or not says it all. If he was a nice bloke, you would know that he would be mortified, get it sorted asap (I'd be after a brand new carpet, tbh), be grovellingly apologetic and be treating you from here to Christmas. But it doesn't seem that you do know that for sure, which is alarming, to say the very least.

MrsOakenshield · 15/08/2013 20:36

*don't know, durrrrr.

Vivacia · 15/08/2013 20:36

You don't make a joke about it, you ask when he's going to clean it up.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2013 20:36

You would stay with a person who is that spectacularly drunk regularly and is nasty and abusive?

There is never okay.

BitBewildered · 15/08/2013 20:36

I think the fact that he isn't scrubbing the floor speaks volumes tbh. What a cock.

notanyanymore · 15/08/2013 20:38

I do know some lovely men that have done this kind of thing once or twice when horrendously pissed, piss in cupboards etc... but you said you knew he'd be abusive and nasty if you said anything at the time, and he's failed to mention it since??!

expatinscotland · 15/08/2013 20:39

And it's not once or twice, this person is that drunk usually more than once a week.

Vivacia · 15/08/2013 20:45

I'm slightly confused. Is the story changing a bit?

RhondaJean · 15/08/2013 20:45

Nope you need out and you need put ASAP.

He isn't even prepared to be embarassed about pissing all over the floor?

Men don't do this. Honestly. And even if they did get drunk enough to pee themselves, they are horrified and clean up after themselves.

They don't get abusive and/or ignore it.

If he is prepared to address his drinking and it's effects on his family then perhaps there is a future for you but for the time being you need to not be there and be putting up with this.

ThisIsMyRealName · 15/08/2013 20:48

I agree with MrsOakenshield. The worrying part of this is that you are unable to discuss it with him ad the fact that he is pretendig it didn't even happen instead of grovelling

Original poster
marinotvari · 15/08/2013 20:50

thanks for your replies, you've helped me see things in a bit better perspective.

I plan to tell him how furious I am, demand an end to the excessive drinking, ALL drinking when dc arrives, and get him cleaning the bloody carpet.

he isn't abusive when sober at all, he's a lovely, thoughtful, gentle man who is very proud to be my husband.I had let the once a week drinking go on without saying anything because I thot he might be privately freaking out about impending fatherhood. but he'll get even more nervous if he knows the drinking is a deal breaker and has to stop.

if it doesn't then damn right I'll ltb. Angry

OP posts:
FriskyHenderson · 15/08/2013 20:50

You 'ignored' him pissing on the floor because you were scared what he might do.

He pissed on the floor and does not think he should have to clear it up.

He is getting that drunk at least once a week.

You know there is more to life that this, don't you, and it will only get worse once there is a baby?

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 15/08/2013 20:53

Fucking hell.

melmo26 · 15/08/2013 20:53

Another alarming part is that he pissed on the floor right next to where baby will be sleeping.
Think about the reasons why you can't confront him?
Has something happened before and he kicked off?

LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 20:54

OP - answer this honestly, are you scared of him?

MrsOakenshield · 15/08/2013 20:54

sorry, still not sounding good OP. You 'thought he might be freaking out about impending fatherhood' - again, you hadn't discussed this with him - why not? And 'he's a lovely, thoughtful, gentle man' - who you are so unsure of that you posted on MN rather than speaking to him straight away about his vile behaviour.

Vivacia · 15/08/2013 20:56

I'm not sure "furious" is the right way to go with this man. I'd aim for "calm and clear".

What's all this "nervousness"?

3boys3dogshelp · 15/08/2013 20:57

My oh is not a good drinker, We met at uni and he didn't know his limit yet so was often too drunk and unpleasant with it he grew up and stopped drinking much at all. He once went on a work night out while I was pregnant with ds1 and vomited in his bosses car on the way home then all over our downstairs wc and collapsed. He was so ill I actually had to get my mum (she is a nurse) to help me look after him. I was furious and the next morning he kne
w it!! The difference is he was absolutely mortified by his behaviour, he redecorated the bathroom and replaced the carpet without me saying anything, and in the six years since he has NEVER done it again. One mistake is forgivable, weekly episodes mean he has a serious problem both with alcohol and respect for you. I understand you giving one ultimatum op, but don't let this be normal for your child.

3boys3dogshelp · 15/08/2013 20:58

I should say my oh is now the best dad I know Smile

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 15/08/2013 21:00

TBH he sounds like an alcoholic.

If you do set a boundary, you HAVE to stick to it.

Start your exit planning now and I hope we are all proved wrong.

(Sneaky hug)

PeppermintPasty · 15/08/2013 21:01

All these responses may be freaking you out. I get that.
But please listen to them, and me. I've been there. And if you do not make it very clear that you won't accept the drinking, the pissing, the aggression, it will get worse and worse.
He gets pissed once a week, is that right? He needs to get straight off the booze. If he thinks you are a pushover he will piss all over you, forever.
I am livid on your behalf, especially at 7m pregnant. Ach I can't bear the revolting selfishness.

I'm sorry if I sound shouty by the way.