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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh drunk and pissing on floor....advice pls...

178 replies

marinotvari · 15/08/2013 20:20

need some advice about drunk dh. im 7 months preg with dc1.
dh has made a habit recently of getting really drunk about once a week (occasionally more). he usually comes home around 12.30 am, flops on the bed and passes out.I find it very hard being preg and sleeping next to his farting,snoring,booze smelling self so usually get no sleep when this happens. Sad
he was out last night watching the football and he came home in his usual state, fell asleep across the bed, despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge.he woke up after an hour and started pissing ALL OVER THE FLOOR.my back was turned and I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing, so I never said a word at the time.....but I need some advice about how to deal with this.
he didn't mention it before he left for work this morn but the carpet was obvs wet,I then text him asking if he remembered peeing on the bedroom carpet, no response.he came in from work and it hasn't been mentioned.
do I laugh this off and threaten to buy him a potty and sanitary pads if it happens again, should I get furious (I feel furious) with him and let him know how unacceptable this is, or should I wait for him to bring it up? he hasn't attempted to clean the carpet or anything yet and I'm not doing it for him.
oddly enough it doesn't smell too strong of pee. it's less than a foot away from where our cot is going.... Angry

OP posts:
curlycatkin · 15/08/2013 21:02

Wow, wish I'd asked similar question/s on here 9 years ago. I needed the outside perspective. Instead I stayed with an equally lovely drunk for 3 more years. He never changed, before or after baby. In-fact it got WORSE.
Can you not talk honestly, express the anger you have?
Because if you can't do that NOW you need to think very carefully whether you want to build a family with him.

unlucky83 · 15/08/2013 21:03

Have know men - specifically my brothers as older teens - to be so pissed they have got out of bed and pissed in the linen basket in the hall etc...
And my mum cleaned it up for them Angry and just gave them a telling off...
But this guy is about to be a dad...you are not his mum, he has to grow up and behave like an adult. He can't go out and get pissed like that even once a week - never mind more than once
... and he has to clean up after himself...
When DC is here at least one of you will have to be sober enough to deal with illness etc in the middle of the night - imagine DC being seriously ill and having to take them to A&E on your own cos his father is too pissed to move?

I think I would have a serious chat with him - and give him an ultimatum ...
but actually if he was so drunk last night, late to bed and then has been at work today - he will be tired, still hungover and probably not in a fit state to have any kind of reasonable conversation with ...can see it ending in a massive argument, and you need to be firm and clear.
I would however have said conversation as soon as you can tomorrow - when hopefully he will realise just what a pig he has been ...if not LTB

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 21:08

this will not end well

OP will not accept it though, until she sees it for herself

over and over again

the number of times she accepts it, and excuses it is variable of course

but it's always the same outcome

shit dad, and shit partner

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/08/2013 21:10

He will not take an ultimatum seriously. There are no consequences for him. He needs to be thrown out.

OneStepCloser · 15/08/2013 21:11

I agree with the others, I stayed with my lovely drunk for only a few months after dd was born, him being near her when he stunk of alcohol disgusted me and saddened me for her, she deserved better and I made sure she had it.

I think give him an ultimation by all means, but dont make excuses if he does it again, which I`m afraid he probably will and I believe you know that already, you and your child are worth so much more than that.

Best of luck x

ilikemysleep · 15/08/2013 21:16

My DH has done this, twice I think, over the years. He used to go out and get drunk as we both did before we were expecting DS1 and I guess the transition to 'not doing that any more' was harder for him, because, well, it was me pregnant, none of his mates were yet fathers, etc etc. I remember telling him at 36 weeks that he was NOT to drink again in case I needed him to take me to hospital, and he being a bit grumpy about it. Looking back he was a pretty immature 29 year old. However this was 12 years ago and once the baby was born it only took one hangover with a baby screaming for him to work out that getting drunk is a lifestyle that doesn't work with being a dad to a young family. He now goes out maybe once a fortnight and has 3 pints, and a bottle or two of beer at home on a couple of nights of the week.

What I'm saying is, a father to be who is SO pissed that he wees on the floor may well be an alcoholic. Or, like my Dh, he may be an immature wally whose mates are still in the drinking lifestyle and who hasn't yet fully grasped what he has done by bringing a life into the world, and once that baby is here and they become the focus of everything for him as well, drinking seems less crucial. In other words, he MAY grow up. On the other hand, if he is the latter then he needs to face up to the fact that he has got so drunk that he has lost control of his faculties, and that is not funny or attractive, nor can it be ignored. He should apologise and make amends - clean the carpet. And NEVER get that drunk again. If he isn't prepared to do this, then maybe he is one of the 'can't change' alcoholics rather than a guy who needs to grow up and face up.

cestlavielife · 15/08/2013 21:24

Don't wait til baby is born.
He stops drinking so much now.
Or leaves.

onenutshortofasnickers · 15/08/2013 21:26

He sounds like he is an alcoholic ..it's a slippery slope; it will just get worse and he will chose booze over you and everyone else every time. Even his unborn child.

He gets more nervous about knowing it is a deal breaker as he won't give it up.

Can someone be available to come get you or diffuse the situation- as you said I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing and I can't help thinking he will act that way when you have this 'talk' or/and he will go get pissed and blame it on you for some reason and then be abusive and nasty.

He needs helps; but you can't fix him, remember that- he has to actually want help himself; not you say that he needs to get help because he will half heartedly agree and never go through with it. Unless it comes from him it isn't going to happen.

I know this sounds harsh but it's true.

Oh, you really need to LTB, bringing a child into this is just wrong.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 15/08/2013 21:27

A true story - honestly - I know of someone whose partner behaved like this in run up to birth of their son. When child was a few weeks old he came home in a state and pissed in the Moses basket. That was the wake up call she needed.

I'm inclined to say LTB as this will only get worse. Certainly not laugh it off. But.... If this is a recent development and he has otherwise been a supportive partner. If you have been together a long time. If this is 'out
of character'' then possibly have a serious talk to him when he is sober and make it clear this has got to stop - no more chances. Then stick to it.

But you wouldn't be wrong just to LTB

Doozle06 · 15/08/2013 21:29

It's not acceptable behaviour. If he gets drunk regularly and behaves in a way you don't like, then it is likely in my experience only to get worse.
I couldn't respect a man that did that.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 15/08/2013 21:32

You were too scared to intervene while he pissed on the floor because you knew he would be abusive. Yet he's normally 'even nicer than normal' during his bi-weekly binges? Which is it?

Trust me, this cannot go on. And he won't quit without a fight. Good luck.

buttercrumble · 15/08/2013 21:34

Get rid now!

Chubfuddler · 15/08/2013 21:36

What they all said. You're minimising just one post in. I hope you'll kick him into touch if he pisses on the baby.

wokeupwithasmile · 15/08/2013 21:43

I clearly remember my drunk father pissing in a corner of our living room. I am ashamed for him even now, 30 years later, and that is one of the most vivid memories I have of my childhood. Your partner has serious problems that will need time and work and patience and willingness and strength to maybe solve. You too have to decide whether you have all that when a baby is behind the corner.

TimeofChange · 15/08/2013 21:43

As well as DHs bad behaviour, can you afford for him to drink so much.
Do you have loads of spare money for him to piss away?

Best wishes to you op.

TurnipCake · 15/08/2013 21:46

There is a chilling scene in the movie, Tyrannosaur, where Olivia Coleman's character is asleep on the sofa and wakes to her abusive husband stumbling through the door, drunk. Afraid to confront him, she pretends to be asleep and he pisses... over her.

The only acceptable reaction to what your husband did is to be absolutely mortified, clean up the bedroom and have the carpet washed, then getting his arse into cleaning up wrt the alcohol. He hasn't. He has quite literally marked his territory in letting you know that this is your lot.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 15/08/2013 21:47

, fell asleep across the bed, despite me asking him before he went out, to sleep in the sofa bed in the lounge.he woke up after an hour and started pissing ALL OVER THE FLOOR.my back was turned and I know he'd just be a abusive and nasty to me at that level of drunkenness if I had interrupted his comatose peeing, so I never said a word at

Read your own words again.

ouryve · 15/08/2013 21:48

It's not a one of thing you could laugh off - it's repeated drunkenness and he is abusive in this state. Do you want this man anywhere near your DC?

He doesn't need sanitary pads. He needs an ultimatum to clean up his act or sod off.

TheSecondComing · 15/08/2013 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 15/08/2013 21:57

Fuckign disgusting and that you were too scared to say anything to him speaks volumes!

Seriously ltb.

HaveIGotPoosForYou · 15/08/2013 21:59

I wouldn't say leave the bastard yet.

However, I would give him the ultimatum that he either stops drinking excessively or leaves. Or if he has to drink, to stay at someone else's house pisses on their carpet and that if he does not do this, he is out the door.

But you have to MEAN it, not say it because a bunch of strangers on the net said it.

Say it because it's what you mean.

Back2Two · 15/08/2013 22:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Back2Two · 15/08/2013 22:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/08/2013 22:11

Read your words back to yourself and imagine you had a newborn baby who had woke him up during all of this. What do you think would have happened then?

He could well be an alcoholic in which case he needs help to stop. You can tell him what your line in the sand is but you must mean the consequences and follow them through if he crosses it.

Only he can stop himself even with help.

The other scenario is he's being an immature arse. Same rules apply, draw your line in the sand and its his choice to cross it or not and you must stick to what you say you will happen when he does.

polkadotsrock · 15/08/2013 22:19

My husband got blind drunk on red wine when I was 6 months pregnant and vomited all over our bed. He's a fantastic dad, as I knew he would be. One mistake doesn't write a man (or woman) off. However, it is not acceptable for him to ignore it. I imagine he's horrifically embarrassed but it's not ok to pretend things haven't happened, it's not what grown ups do. Perhaps a bit of a leap but do you have communication problems in general? You really need to let him know what is acceptable to you (you may be fine with him out once a week, that's totally your choice) and he needs to be respectful of that. If he isn't then you have problems that run deeper than alcohol. Good luck.