My friend ditched me when I became pregnant.

[Angelle2]

A long story. Had a friend who I've known for 15 years and was my Maid of Honor at my wedding last year. She had stillbirth at 31 weeks about 18 months prior my wedding. I tried to be supportive but she never wanted to talk about it and I was even kept in the dark when it all happened so I never really knew the whole story or even the outcome of the investigation at the hospital. She did explain briefly but after that I respected her wishes and how she wanted to deal with it. My husband and I were trying for a baby before we got married and it wasn't happening. Unknowingly then I had high prolactin levels which stopped me from ovulating. And I went through a year of tests, medication and uncertainty which as a friend we spoke about and she was always encouraging and supportive of me becoming a mother. Much to my joy and surprise I fell pregnant on my honeymoon and that we were expecting twins.

So I tell all friends and family at 3 months including her.It did cross my mind that she could be still grieving but I thought she's been so supportive of my situation she'd be ok and she even visited a friend of hers who had a baby around that time. Anyway on the day I told her, she was in a funny mood and she also had the flu. We actually had a brief disagreement because I was late meeting her but we quickly sorted it out and carried on to find a place to eat. So I tell her the news, she says congrats etc etc. Then all of a sudden she tells me she's not feeling well and wants to go home. I'm assuming its the flu so didn't think much of it.

Weeks after I was trying to get dates in the diary to meet up but she always had something going on, a date, study, yoga. But we'd always still have long conversations on the phone and we would talk about pregnancy, work, men and the rest. Just like normal really. Then it dawned on me she's been avoiding me. She made it impossible for me to come to her birthday drinks. She text me the night before knowing that I live outside London and often work from home due to me not travelling by train as much because of my twin pregnancy. Then one day in a conversation she starts crying and telling me the day that I told her of my news it was her anniversary. Of course I didn't know because I knew very little of what had happened in her situation. I was devastated too as I would never be so insensitive If I knew she was still hurting.

So I decide to back off and give her some space. My baby shower was up and coming and she was suppose to be helping so I assumed I'd see her then. She never came, she never called and we haven't spoken since. Don't get me wrong I am sympathetic to how she is feeling but my babies have since been born and I'm angry and hurt she hasn't even bothered to call to see how we are, if I am ok or they are ok. I know she knows they are here, it's been 6 months now and we have the same circle of friends. What should I do, should I call her to confront her or let her get on with her life? My family and friends are all very angry with her too as she been a close friend of mine for years and she has come across as self centred. She's also been posting photos and messages on FB saying how happy she is and appearing like everything is fine so they suggest I don't call her.I agree to a degree because I haven't done anything wrong and I feel like she has erased me from her life because she is unable to think outside her own situation. If it were me, I know I would be there for her despite my own pain. For example when I was trying and couldn't get pregnant another close friend of mine conceived. That didn't stop me calling or visiting her and I didn't even think about me.Therefore I want to have it out and move on. I can't get over this very easily. Any advice, anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, what was the outcome?

Oh God, the poor woman. I really don't see what you'd achieve by confronting her?

Also, how on earth do you know how you'd have felt/behaved in the same situation? I'm sure she didn't set out to be miserable and jealous!

Agree with Mooncup. For the sake of your friendship, don't push it, just wait for her and when she's ready make sure the door is open. If you can't do that, just move on.

You have NO idea how you would feel. No idea at all.

You sound really awful if I'm honest. How selfish to want to confront her because she hasn't acknowledged your dc, and as for calling her self centered she lost her child ffs. Take a step back and see that you are the one being self centred here.

Have some compassion and stop bitching about her to your family and friends.

All I can here is 'me me me'.

You have no idea what she's been through. When you were three months pg it 'crossed your mind' that she might still be grieving? She'll be grieving for that baby until the day she dies.

The friendship seems to have run its course. Be happy for her that she seems happy on FB and let her contact you when she wants. Otherwise, move on.

I'd probably go round and speak to her without the babies present and see how that goes.

If my calculations are right her baby died about 24 months ago. Grieving can still be very raw 2 years later.

If things don't work out perhaps it is time to review the friendship but for your family to be angry at your friend for not seeing you I find very harsh. Your friend is still grieving for her baby.

heat

I just noticed you referred to your friend as self centred. That is way out of order for someone who is grieving for her baby. I think perhaps the self centred person is you.

Wow... she is better off without you. Someone in this friendship has been extremely self absorbed and it isn't her.

You want to have it out with this woman about her reaction to her still birth? Are you sure that's wise?

Can I just ask whose idea it was that this woman who was grieving for her own dead baby should be helping with your baby shower? Because that is pretty well the most insensitive thing I've ever heard. As in absolutely jaw-droppingly insensitive.

^ That

I can totally understand why you feel angry and upset that your friend appears to have cut you out of her life. I am in a similar position to you. Good friend of 10 years stopped seeing/talking to me when I got pregnant. Went from calling/seeing her every couple of weeks to seeing her once or twice a year. I haven't seen her since Christmas. She is unable to have her own kids and has struggled to deal with this.

I do feel sad that our friendship has become non existant but the ball is in her court. I would not confront your friend. Let her come to you when she is ready but you have to face the fact she may never be ready. I still occasionally text my friend to ask how she is but very rarely get a response.

I do not think you are being self centred, nor is your friend, it is just a very sad set of circumstances that means that you may not be able to be such good friends again. I think it is unfair of your family to have such a harsh opinion of your friend and maybe that has clouded your judgment but I do totally get that you are upset.

Then one day in a conversation she starts crying and telling me the day that I told her of my news it was her anniversary. Of course I didn't know because I knew very little of what had happened in her situation. I was devastated too as I would never be so insensitive If I knew she was still hurting.

So I decide to back off and give her some space.

Does he know you were giving her space? If she is very private about her grief and a still birth can be an incredibly traumatic physical, let alone emotional experience to go through so you may have been unable to talk about it due to post traumatic stress. so she may actually feel that she had upset you? she will not have wanted to remind you of sb while you were pregnant. so she may actually have thought you were avoiding her rather then realising you were giving her space and waiting for her to come back to you.

and/or as she is private she may just have been very embarrassed crying in front of you and feel that she has made you feel bad

I think confronting her is absolutely not appropriate and I also think you need to let go of any anger you have before you speak to her. only speak to her if your aim is to reclaim your friendship because you genuinely miss it and you really want to be her friend.

if that is the case, then I suggest you get in contact with her in a friendly way. say you have missed her. say you would like to be friends.

I don't think you have acknowledged the devastating loss that your friend has had, it sounds as if others (even with babies) did and she feels more comfortable with them now.

I don't think you need to confront her, try and keep in touch and hope that in time you maybe friends again.

Don't confront, apologise. Tell her you realise finding out about your pregnancy on her anniversary, inadvertent though it was, must have been awful. Tell her you are sorry you haven't been good at acknowledging her loss. Tell her you miss her and you'd like to resume the friendship because she means a lot to you. Then wait and see what she says.

I hope you are after honest feedback and will take the above posts on board. I'm afraid your post makes you sound very emotionally immature or perhaps you have not yet experienced the extreme nature of grief before.
Please step back and think about this. You are essentially comparing a mother's pain of loosing a child with your hurt that she hasn't visited your healthy babies (presumably because it is so painful for her). That is so lacking in compassion I can hardly believe you call yourself her friend.
It is sad for you that you can't have her share it all. I'm sure it's sad for her too. But ask yourself why. Is it a time for blame and confrontation? Do you genuinely believe you can guess your response to such a tragedy. I don't think you have grasped the enormity of what she has been through.
There are moments in life that you realise there are bigger things going on like death and unspeakable pain. The norms of 'who should do what' fly out the window. You sound as though you have plenty of every day support and people enjoying your babies with you. Soak in the happiness with your babies and hope that in the darker moments of your life others around you will show you compassion, patience and respect.

Can I just ask whose idea it was that this woman who was grieving for her own dead baby should be helping with your baby shower? Because that is pretty well the most insensitive thing I've ever heard. As in absolutely jaw-droppingly insensitive.

This. Absolutely this.
I actually don't believe there are many people about who'd ask a woman whose baby had died to help organise a "woo, I'm having a BABY" party.

Confront?

Angry with her?

Bloody hell. The whole world does not revolve around you and 18 months is no time at all to get over losing a baby. I lost mine 9 years ago and I am still devastated and wish things were different.

Things might be "fine" in her life because she has learnt to live with the loss but I strongly suspect she isn't posting anything for your benefit . Just because she may have found a way to carry on with her life does not mean you haven't hurt her immensely.

What you should have done is send her a card saying sorry for telling her you were pregnant on her anniversary (even though you say you didn't know it was then) and that you have thought about her lots and really miss her. You say you would love to be able to rebuild your previous friendship but understand if she doesn't feel she can see you. Then you back off and stop all talk of confronting and anger.

That is what you should have done. I think what you should do now is leave her alone and let her spend time with people who aren't so judgemental and self obsessed.

Angelle,

Your friend didn't ditch you, she just found it to painful to be around you and the mere fact that the day you announced your news to her was the anniversary of her loss compounded her grief. I'm not sure whether she expected you to realize the importance of the date to her or not, but either way it must have been awful.

When your grieving especially over the loss of a child it is all consuming, and perhaps because she had previously been so close to you, she found it harder to share your joy because it only made her more miserable. This is not selfish or self centered its purely that she is hurting. When I had lost my baby (miscarried) and a friend announced her pregnancy a few weeks later I said congratulations etc etc hung up and literally cried for hours and couldn't bear to see her for ages! Not her fault no, but not mine either, it was just too painful because it reminded me of all the things that I should have been feeling/experiencing etc.

Its also entirely possible she feels absolutely awful about the state of your friendship, but she hasn't made any effort to repair/restore it because she is still hurting too much to share in your joy of two new babies.

If I were in your shoes, I would send her an email or a text and I would apologize (not saying you have anything to say sorry for but I would say it anyway) and say that you know she must be hurting, and that you hope that when she is ready you can become close friends again.

Minkem makes a good point - did she know you were giving her some space, or did you just not see her, and so she has misunderstood what has happened? To her it might just seem like she got upset and you've been ignoring her.

There is no normal in this situation and nothing to guage it by. She has suffered one of the worst losses anyone can ever suffer, and is clearly still grieving.

If you want to continue the friendship, I would send her a card that simply says that you miss her, and you understand if things feel awkward and upsetting for her, and you apologise if at any point you said something which upset her. Say you would like to still be friends and suggest meeting up, just the two of you. If you do meet, don't mention your DC, let her bring that up when she is ready to. It may be that she is more comfortable with other people's DC because they are less close to her.

I have a friend at work who lost her day old baby just weeks before I had my DC, we were pregnant together at work and chatted about all the time. In the year we have both been back at work we still talk but other than one brief question she asked when we first saw each other again, my DC doesn't come up in conversation at all. I want to respect her desire not to hear chat about a child that is the same age her DC would have been.

Oh, and Facebook statuses are in no way an actual reflection of what is going on in people's lives.

'If it were me, I know I would be there for her despite my own pain. For example when I was trying and couldn't get pregnant another close friend of mine conceived. That didn't stop me calling or visiting her and I didn't even think about me.Therefore I want to have it out and move on. I can't get over this very easily. Any advice, anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, what was the outcome?'

No, you don't know how you would be. There is a huge difference, too, between your trying to conceive and losing a child.

So you need to confront her to move on and she is the self-centred one?

Leave her alone.

Having it out with her is beyond cruel and insensitive, right up there with expecting her to help out with your baby shower.

Take a look at one of your babies and imagine just for one second you were told he or she had died in your womb and that you had to give birth to and hold their lifeless body.

Pretty horrific eh?

Your poor friend. I think she must have superhuman strength to have just "ditched" you. I'd have done much worse.