My friend ditched me when I became pregnant.

[Angelle2]

A long story. Had a friend who I've known for 15 years and was my Maid of Honor at my wedding last year. She had stillbirth at 31 weeks about 18 months prior my wedding. I tried to be supportive but she never wanted to talk about it and I was even kept in the dark when it all happened so I never really knew the whole story or even the outcome of the investigation at the hospital. She did explain briefly but after that I respected her wishes and how she wanted to deal with it. My husband and I were trying for a baby before we got married and it wasn't happening. Unknowingly then I had high prolactin levels which stopped me from ovulating. And I went through a year of tests, medication and uncertainty which as a friend we spoke about and she was always encouraging and supportive of me becoming a mother. Much to my joy and surprise I fell pregnant on my honeymoon and that we were expecting twins.

So I tell all friends and family at 3 months including her.It did cross my mind that she could be still grieving but I thought she's been so supportive of my situation she'd be ok and she even visited a friend of hers who had a baby around that time. Anyway on the day I told her, she was in a funny mood and she also had the flu. We actually had a brief disagreement because I was late meeting her but we quickly sorted it out and carried on to find a place to eat. So I tell her the news, she says congrats etc etc. Then all of a sudden she tells me she's not feeling well and wants to go home. I'm assuming its the flu so didn't think much of it.

Weeks after I was trying to get dates in the diary to meet up but she always had something going on, a date, study, yoga. But we'd always still have long conversations on the phone and we would talk about pregnancy, work, men and the rest. Just like normal really. Then it dawned on me she's been avoiding me. She made it impossible for me to come to her birthday drinks. She text me the night before knowing that I live outside London and often work from home due to me not travelling by train as much because of my twin pregnancy. Then one day in a conversation she starts crying and telling me the day that I told her of my news it was her anniversary. Of course I didn't know because I knew very little of what had happened in her situation. I was devastated too as I would never be so insensitive If I knew she was still hurting.

So I decide to back off and give her some space. My baby shower was up and coming and she was suppose to be helping so I assumed I'd see her then. She never came, she never called and we haven't spoken since. Don't get me wrong I am sympathetic to how she is feeling but my babies have since been born and I'm angry and hurt she hasn't even bothered to call to see how we are, if I am ok or they are ok. I know she knows they are here, it's been 6 months now and we have the same circle of friends. What should I do, should I call her to confront her or let her get on with her life? My family and friends are all very angry with her too as she been a close friend of mine for years and she has come across as self centred. She's also been posting photos and messages on FB saying how happy she is and appearing like everything is fine so they suggest I don't call her.I agree to a degree because I haven't done anything wrong and I feel like she has erased me from her life because she is unable to think outside her own situation. If it were me, I know I would be there for her despite my own pain. For example when I was trying and couldn't get pregnant another close friend of mine conceived. That didn't stop me calling or visiting her and I didn't even think about me.Therefore I want to have it out and move on. I can't get over this very easily. Any advice, anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, what was the outcome?

Poor, poor women. What are you on about, still hurting? The pain may never leave her. Her baby DIED. Do you get that?

If you think facebook statuses are a true and accurate representation of how people feel, especially people with an unhappy history or traumatic past, you have no imagination.

Actually, OP, you don't seem to have much imagination at all. Or any empathy. Your post is so callous, I'm having trouble it's not a horrible wind up.

Something to think about. Timescale. Your friend lost a baby at 31 weeks (mine was born at 32 weeks btw, premature, and survived fine after a stay in scbu. Just in case you have some trouble equating pregnancy loss with the loss of a baby). That was 18 months before your wedding. You got pregnant on your honeymoon. Now your babies are 6 months old.

I bet you she's been trying to get pregnant after her stillbirth, I bet you anything. I bet you she's been trying for a while, it could even be the whole 2 years since she lost her first baby. That's just guesswork, sure, but I bet I'm right.

Can't you understand why it might be too painful for her to come and meet your two babies? Or are you so self obsessed, you can't see why anyone couldn't just put all that aside to share in your joy?

And wtf about all your friends and family being 'very angry'? Is this you shit stirring, or are they all as insensitive as you?

I don't think you should 'confront' her (jesus...). I don't think you should be in contact at all. For her sake. And I hope you never go have to go through what she did.

I don't think the OP should be so roundly criticised in this way. Most people have no idea how to deal with others who are grieving and it's understandable to be really focused on your own situation when you've just become a mother and are happy and excited. The OP is being honest and asking for advice. Perhaps the thread would be better moved to a less contentious, more supportive board?

What I would do is this, OP. Write her a note in a card firstly apologising for the timing of the announcement of your pregnancy and saying you would hate to lose her friendship and would love to meet up for a drink if she feels like it (without the babies in tow). Then leave the door open for her to get in touch.

To echo the sentiments of those above, I'd like to agree with posters who have suggested that you don't confront her about her behaviour. I speak from experience having lost a baby at a couple of days short of 7 months. To deliver a stillborn child in exactly the same way I planned to deliver a healthy child and to return home from the hospital childless with a body which behaved like i had given birth to a healthy child was beyond traumatic You must have been pretty close if she was your MOH so the communication/relationship breakdown must have occurred after she lost her baby. What many people don't realise is that contact and human kindness (especially from those closest to you) is all you want. I can understand that people feel awkward and don't know what to do - and ultimately keep their distance - but the only way a bereaved mother perceives this is negatively. I have friends to this day, many years later, who I can never forgive despite being able to think a little more rationally. The fact is, she feels comfortable in the company of other new mothers but not you. Just send her a thoughtful, heartfelt card and let her come to you. Good luck.

*Take a look at one of your babies and imagine just for one second you were told he or she had died in your womb and that you had to give birth to and hold their lifeless body.

Pretty horrific eh?

Your poor friend. I think she must have superhuman strength to have just "ditched" you. I'd have done much worse*

^^ this. OP you sound unbelievably self-centred. I hope that some of the answers on here have given you food for thought.

'My family and friends are all very angry with her too as she been a close friend of mine for years and she has come across as self centred.'

This is something bereaved parents have to deal with regularly on top of indescribable grief. People who consider them self-centred for not 'moving on', going back to normal or 'putting aside their pain' for others' insensitivity.

After a while, you just don't care anymore and let those people who can't or won't get it go. Because you never 'move on', you just live on, and you have triggers, things that just set things off. That's the life for someone who's lost a child.

FB statuses! LOL. From most of mine, you'd never know the hell we live in, as bereaved parents. Why? Because then you get people who say things well, like you.

OP you sound incredibly insensitive. I can't believe you expected her to organise your baby shower and you are calling her self centred, wow! I expect she's gone through hell and backed off as she couldn't handle you being pregnant. Just think about how she might feel, you really need to.

Having had high prolactin levels myself and am on meds, I can sympathise on how that feels.

I think it's very difficult to maintain a friendship in these circumstances even when there is understanding, patience and sensitivity on both sides. However, from what I've read it doesn't seem like you've shown your friend much understanding at all.

Of course she's still grieving. She always will be. It will never get better. It will never go away. It will just get slightly easier to manage as the years pass. But the pain will always be there and it will most likely always surface as soon as someone announces they're expecting (especially where it sounds like your friend doesn't have any other children so still hasn't had any positive experiences around babies iyswim?).

Does that mean that you shouldn't have told her yiu were expecting, or not been happy about it, or felt like you should have apologised about it? No, not at all. Of course you should be happy no matter if you were trying for years or not. But asking/expecting her to be a part of the celebrations (baby shower)? No, sorry, that's not on. Did you ask her how she felt about coming to the baby shower? It doesn't sound like you did.

Your friend does seem very private, but did you ever ask how she was doing? Did you ever ask about the baby? It sounds to me as though you didn't, almost like maybe you were relieved she didn't want to talk about it because you had no idea what to say/how to handle it. I'm not saying that's what you were like but that's how it seems.

And your friend may be happy right now (as she puts on facebook). People who've lost a child do move on with their lives. It doesn't mean that they ever "get over"what happened but they can have lives while they work through the tough times.

Sometimes friends and family tell you what you want to hear and not honesty. The ones who were honest are drowned out by the sheep.

Wow! Thanks for all your lovely and honest comments. Makes me feel a whole lot better. Really didn't expect such an attack. For the record, I am not an insensitive nasty friend and I am sorry my post paints that picture. I have a lot of confusing emotions going on. Think you have all misunderstood where I was coming from as this isn't the whole story and you also don't know the full nature of the relationship or this situation in particular. What I meant by self centred is that this is her personality anyway i.e she doesnt always think about other people's feelings only her own in any situation even before she was pregnant. But then maybe there is no direct correlation in this case. She actually offered to help with the baby shower and was corresponding with my family. I did apologise to her about her anniversary when she told me and she reassured me that it wasn't my fault. Maybe confront or have it out is the wrong word/phase to use but I feel the need to discuss because I have feelings too and want to work out where it went wrong and whether its fixable. We've never had a falling out ever. I do feel compassion for her and have left her alone but I feel more angry and hurt because I have lost friendship that was out of my control rather than she hasn't been to see me or my babies. I just thought our friendship was strong enough and I thought she would have been in contact to some degree. I haven't been bitching about her to family and friends. People have been asking where she has been as she was my Maid of Honor and her absence is noticeable. I have been merely talking to ask advice/perspective (some of those have also had losses too) and they have all given similar views that she could have made some sort of contact, even if she couldn't see us in person. I understand that she is dealing with a loss but when someone doesnt talk about it (not that she has to) or is like everything is ok, its a bit hard to gage where they are at. I think also others opinions have weighed in on my judgement. Thank you TimothyClaypoleLover. You comments echo how I feel and the situation exactly. Your right minkembernard maybe she too misunderstood my intention. I can't lie I don't really know if I should call, I have my own fears of rejection and its been far too long. I think I will just leave it alone after all these comments and just remember our friendship for what it was. If she wants to get in touch she will. Maybe I need to deal with my own misunderstanding before I decide whether to make a move.

And for the record I was there for her in her loss and and time of need. But I also respected her privacy and wishes not to talk about it. Some of you are very judgemental of me without knowing me or all all the facts. Its hard to condense the whole story.This is coming from someone on the other side of the fence who has never had a loss to that degree, never been a mother until now doesn't know how to feel or act or what to do and is also being honest with my own feelings.

You sound hugely insensitive I'm afraid, very self-absorbed.

I accepted that one of my friends needed to distance herself from me when I had DS because she was having fertility problems and was deeply upset.

Your friend lost her baby.

You sound very self-absorbed and deeply lacking in true empathy.

She doesn't need a friend like you. 'Angry and hurt'? The only person who would be angry and hurt is her, in response to your compassion failure.

Count the amount of times you have talked about your feelings and your emotions and your loss and what you would have done and what she should have done to make you feel better.

Now count the amount of times you have shown one bit of concern for her feelings.

Now come back and tell us that you aren't insensitive or selfish

Being a bereaved parent effects everything you do.

Can you imagine your child dying, your baby who you have loved since the moment of conception being taken away from you. Your baby who you have mulled over names for, bought clothes for, felt kick, spoken to, and been a Mum to for 31 weeks being taken away from you and there isn't a God Damn thing you can do about it?

If you can't imagine it then count yourself very lucky, because this is your 'friends' reality now.

The name she so carefully picked won't be excitedly written on birthday cards and Christmas cards, she won't be writing it on invites and forms.

You are no longer the same person you were before because you have this awful, crippling, agony to deal with every single minute and your thoughts are how to make it to the next minute without having a breakdown.

You may get used to dealing with it, you might even learn how to paint a face on and smile, you can even play act at being 'normal' but the pain and sadness is always there.

Sometimes you forget, for just a second, but then reality kicks in and its like being punched in the stomach, you feel winded and the emotional pain turns to physical pain.

Now imagine after that crushing loss, your 'friends' decide that you should be over it in a few months, like your child is worth nothing, like the life you created and loved so deeply was just a little blip and you should give no more thought to it because its pissing other people off. Or that, because you find things too painful to talk about people assume you no longer care.

Your 'friend' may well have felt ok one day, or for a few days, then realised she can no longer cope. I still do this many years later. Some days she will wake up and cope perfectly well, other days she will wake up and have to remind herself to breath. That's just how it is.

Your feelings at her not being there to celebrate your happiness are nothing compared to her feelings at having to deal with her baby not being with her. Just be grateful that you have so much happiness in your life. Stop whining because not everyone is fawning over you. She will come to you if she wants to.

You may think we are being harsh, but there are a lot of posters here who are using their own experiences of losing their children to help you see where you went wrong and why this lady is reacting like this to you. Sorry you aren't hearing what you want to hear but you asked for opinions and you got them.

OP I think your post was perhaps unfortunately worded, but if you read it back I think you'll be able to see why people have reacted the way they have. Putting such things in the public domain on the Internet invites criticism-what did you expect?

Why don't you write her a letter. Don't mention your babies; just explain how much you value and love her as a friend; that you are there for her in whatever way she needs; and that you're sorry that you're not able to do more. Don't make it about you-because none of this is about you. You have your babies and your husband and lovely life; she has her grief. Write to her saying you love her, miss her and are here for her. Then, leave her alone and see what happens. 'Confronting' her or saying your family are 'really angry'-bad moves and insensitive thoughts to express, running the rush of causing even more hurt and pain to an already grief stricken woman.

We've lost friends over the past year following the loss of our daughter (she was 9 and died of complications from cancer treatment) and we don't know any other bereaved parents who haven't lost friends over time, too.

It happens.

You just shrug and move on.

That's what you should do, too.

Slimshady, your post is beautifully written and I'm sorry you have been through this

Expat, likewise

Slimshady

OP, you need to begin rethinking this from the position that you are in the wrong here. Very much so.

So well put, slim. A child's death is life sentence for his/her parents. A lifetime of loss, of bittersweetness, of missing them, of wondering 'what if', of sadness and longing, of wishing, and knowing your wish will never come true. And for the child, the greatest loss of all: of their life, their future, their dreams.

And now imagine, as slim says, everyone expects you to drop it after a while as it makes them uncomfortable?

The burden of their loss is so hard that, after a while, you just drop those people out of your life.

Fair enough, you can judge me but what I have said on here. But that's my fault by posting this and my choice of words haven't been great. But none of you know me, or what what I feel or have done compassion or otherwise. Like I said you only have a fraction. And I get that you hate talking com you own experiences. I am only talking from mine. It hurts me to think you think I am that person and I am sorry for any offence.

Angelle, you are not getting it. You are still 'me, me, me', you don't understand, you are judgey. Do you realise that if this is how insensitive and immmature you are coming across to strangers, that some of us can only imagine how you are coming across to your friend?

If not, I don't really know what else to say.

I've tried to share what it's like for a bereaved parent, and why she may have felt the need to move on from friendship and, because you asked, advised you to drop it and let go, to move on because she cannot and never will as her loss was not of a friendship, but of her child.

And you're still on and on about yourself and how this is affecting you.

You have a loving marriage and two beautiful children. Focus on this and leave her alone.

Her baby DIED. You have no idea as to how terrible that is. Or how painful it is to see other people's kids, each one a reminder of what you have lost. My friend who lost her son at birth still cried for him every day, three years on. It's not even remotely like " not being able to get pregnant" when your other friends can. You have what she wants above everything: your children. Think how you would feel if you lost them. And then be a little kinder to your friend.

Some things just aren't about you.

Angelle2 - my grandma lost her son when he was 5 yo. she was still grieving for him when she died...........................some 70 years later, in her mid 90s.

she made the best of life. but there was always a john shaped whole.

you are wrong but its not a terrible crime and you need to learn from it.

Please use paragraphs if you are going to type such long posts. It makes it annoying to read as you type.

You are still being rather self absorbed.

We can only go on what you type so don't put it back on us that we don't know the whole story and all that bollocks.

Involving your family is very childish.