My friend ditched me when I became pregnant.

[Angelle2]

A long story. Had a friend who I've known for 15 years and was my Maid of Honor at my wedding last year. She had stillbirth at 31 weeks about 18 months prior my wedding. I tried to be supportive but she never wanted to talk about it and I was even kept in the dark when it all happened so I never really knew the whole story or even the outcome of the investigation at the hospital. She did explain briefly but after that I respected her wishes and how she wanted to deal with it. My husband and I were trying for a baby before we got married and it wasn't happening. Unknowingly then I had high prolactin levels which stopped me from ovulating. And I went through a year of tests, medication and uncertainty which as a friend we spoke about and she was always encouraging and supportive of me becoming a mother. Much to my joy and surprise I fell pregnant on my honeymoon and that we were expecting twins.

So I tell all friends and family at 3 months including her.It did cross my mind that she could be still grieving but I thought she's been so supportive of my situation she'd be ok and she even visited a friend of hers who had a baby around that time. Anyway on the day I told her, she was in a funny mood and she also had the flu. We actually had a brief disagreement because I was late meeting her but we quickly sorted it out and carried on to find a place to eat. So I tell her the news, she says congrats etc etc. Then all of a sudden she tells me she's not feeling well and wants to go home. I'm assuming its the flu so didn't think much of it.

Weeks after I was trying to get dates in the diary to meet up but she always had something going on, a date, study, yoga. But we'd always still have long conversations on the phone and we would talk about pregnancy, work, men and the rest. Just like normal really. Then it dawned on me she's been avoiding me. She made it impossible for me to come to her birthday drinks. She text me the night before knowing that I live outside London and often work from home due to me not travelling by train as much because of my twin pregnancy. Then one day in a conversation she starts crying and telling me the day that I told her of my news it was her anniversary. Of course I didn't know because I knew very little of what had happened in her situation. I was devastated too as I would never be so insensitive If I knew she was still hurting.

So I decide to back off and give her some space. My baby shower was up and coming and she was suppose to be helping so I assumed I'd see her then. She never came, she never called and we haven't spoken since. Don't get me wrong I am sympathetic to how she is feeling but my babies have since been born and I'm angry and hurt she hasn't even bothered to call to see how we are, if I am ok or they are ok. I know she knows they are here, it's been 6 months now and we have the same circle of friends. What should I do, should I call her to confront her or let her get on with her life? My family and friends are all very angry with her too as she been a close friend of mine for years and she has come across as self centred. She's also been posting photos and messages on FB saying how happy she is and appearing like everything is fine so they suggest I don't call her.I agree to a degree because I haven't done anything wrong and I feel like she has erased me from her life because she is unable to think outside her own situation. If it were me, I know I would be there for her despite my own pain. For example when I was trying and couldn't get pregnant another close friend of mine conceived. That didn't stop me calling or visiting her and I didn't even think about me.Therefore I want to have it out and move on. I can't get over this very easily. Any advice, anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, what was the outcome?

FFS OP, are you serious? The opening was bad enough but then you go and dig yourself an even bigger hole!
Leave the poor woman alone, she's well shot of you IMO.

Just drop it and move on. I can guarantee, your moving on is far easier than the grief she bears for her child.

Make your mind up OP.

In the original post you said 'I tried to be supportive but she never wanted to talk about it and I was even kept in the dark when it all happened so I never really knew the whole story or even the outcome of the investigation at the hospital' Now you are saying you spoke in depth about it.

I'm not coming back to this thread again because I'm starting to feel really infuriated.

What should I do, should I call her to confront her or let her get on with her life?

let her get on with her life.

you asked. everyone has answered the same.

Having had 2 stillbirths I can totally understand how your friend feels... There is nothing like it and the emotional pain is hideous. I had friends pregnant at the same time and although when faced with them I smiled and cooed over the baby I went home and cried the whole day. It wasn't a rational calm choice I was just in such pain. My daughters should have been there too and facing these happy people with new babies was like rubbing salt in my wounds.

It may seem self centred to those who haven't been through it but trust me there is not much you can do about it if it makes you feel this way. I wasn't alright around pregnant women until I had a healthy pregnancy and baby. That was the healing point for me. I feel so sorry for your friend and as for your family being angry with her for being so 'self centred' that is so sad and actually horrible. She can't help her feelings and probably your situation is just too painful for her. Please try to imagine how you would feel in her shoes.

Everyone is different, some after a loss can be around others with not too much issues. My first stillbirth I was much better with pregnant friends but was pregnant pretty soon and it hit me in a different way even though was just as horrific an experience. Second we had issues ttc and a massive risk of further stillbirth so things were much harder to accept. I felt so isolated. Everyone else made pregnancy look easy yet for me it could end in tragedy. I avoided my pregnant friends and missed christenings etc because I just couldn't face it it would have been torture :(

Angelle2 I wish you good luck in repairing your friendship for both your sakes. We can never have too many close and much loved friends.

I hope your friend is recovering as well as can be expected and that the two of you can regain some of your previous friendship. Your happy arrivals may be painful for her although, as we all react differently, nobody knows how she feels without actually asking her- so play that sensitively and take her lead. However, it is also likely that if you two were very close she also misses your friendship.

I think the idea to send her a card or a note and then just see what happens is a good one. And if she does not get back in touch, then as you suggested, remember your friendship for the great friendship it was and respect her need to continue to greave. I am sure she will at least appreciate that you tried.

personally, I would not send anything to someone who was a private person. she has chosen to keep her grief private - her way of coping - and I would follow her lead.

and allow her to get back in contact with me, with or without explanation. because you don't need an explanation.

or to not get back in contact. because she would find it upsetting - not because you have done anything wrong, just you and your family will be another reminder, of many, of her still birth and loss. I think you need to allow her to look away so that she can cope with her life as it is.

OP I have been in a similar situation, a friend had a stillbirth at term while I was pregnant. I sent cards and we emailed but she hasn't seen me since and I fear that she might not be able to for a long time, if ever. She even ran away from me in the street once when she saw me (when I was pregnant). Apart from sending a note every so often to ask how she is and say I'm thinking of her, I don't think there is anything I can do: I must remind her of such an awful thing and though it's not my fault I accept that I can't do anything about it. I'm so sorry to have lost a friend, but I haven't had to face the terrible thing she has, something that's the worst thing imaginable, to lose a much-wanted child. Did you send a card or a note on / around the anniversary of the baby's death? It must hurt her if you didn't acknowledge her lovely baby on his/her birthday, for example. Just send her a nice card and some flowers to say you're thinking of her, and you're aware you haven't always thought about how much she must be grieving but you want to be there for her; and don't push things further than that. Good luck OP.

Evening all
A gentle reminder that if there's one thing we could all do with it's some moral support..

Guidelines
Peace and love all

OP, I think as others have said if you read your op back then maybe you can see why people have jumped to the opinions they have.

However, yes it does hurt when you lose a friend. Changes that are completely out of your control can be difficult to deal with. People lose friends for many reasons involving children, and this is sadly one of them.

But it is not about you. No matter how angry and hurt you are that you have lost a friend - your friend lost her child. Her hurt is beyond words and definitely beyond comparison. No matter how hurt you are that you have lost a friend, you still have your babies.

If you do want to try and repair your friendship, and personally if I were you I think I would give it a try, then you have actually had some really good advice on this thread about how to contact your friend and remind her that you still care about her and are there for her if she needs you.

Even if your friend was incredibly self-centred before the stillbirth, then that doesn't make her grief an 'extension' of her self-centredness. It makes it grief. You come across as begrudging her pain because she has been selfcentred before, as though she deserves less sympathy than someone who was utterly selfless and suffered something similar.

My Great-Aunt will be 100 at Xmas. She had a stillborn baby in 1936. She cries and kisses a locket containing his hair every night before bed, and says a prayer asking to be reunited with him when she dies. There is no getting over it.

With the best will in the world, you are coming across as ironically quite selfcentred yourself, and unable to fully grasp the depth of her suffering.

Wow. You're friend has dropped you because she, like us, can see that you are insensitive beyond belief.

She wont ever stop hurting and for you to think she might is moronic.

And until you have lost a baby you cant ever know how you would react in a similar situation.

Your lack of self awarness has really pissed me off and actually your friend has had a lucky escape. Confront her if you like, you will only confirm for her that dumping you was the best thing she could have done.

Angelle, you're doing fine. Ignore the flamers and keep your heart open to your friend. It sounds like she will come back to you when she's ready. Good luck.

Plenty of us have not flamed, but shared what it is like to be a bereaved parent. But there you go, see how we have to live? See why we post 'happy' statuses on FB?

I think the OP is getting an unfair bashing on here,

whatever has gone on before, to not even acknowledge your own child> thats a shit friend I'm afraid.

I have lost a baby, lots of people do, life does go on.

making someones baby feel like a dirty entity because of something else is wrong.

I do like I've said I've been there,

Sunny, to say Octopus doesn't understand is a bit cruel, I think. Angelle, your friend may not return to you but that's not your decision, it's hers.

Life doesn't go on at all.

A new life begins, a new life where your loss is ever present, where your feelings about everything will completely change and you are no longer able to take other peoples feelings into consideration because if you put their needs before yours you may well just go to bed and never get up again.

The op isn't getting bashed at all, she is getting her friends side of the story, and she is choosing not to listen to it.

The op is making this lady feel like her baby is worthless because he or she isn't here and is refusing to acknowledge her feelings about her child not being here and yes it is wrong and it does make a shit friend so I agree there Oct.

I'm prepared to admit I'm a bit more 'get on with it' than perhaps a lot of women.

I brought up v.much on the staple of 'if you have unprotected sex it is very likely you will miscarry at some point in your life, a fact of life, not a nice one but a fact nonetheless, it prepared me in a way.

I had my eldest when I was a teen/haemorraghed during birth , my first time etc maybe I'm more used to that kind of trauma than most people.

but for her mate just to blank her? is too much, she could at least say she's finding it hard.

It does, it has to.

If people reacted like her friend, very few women would see anyones babies and the world would come to a screaming halt.

Angelle
The fact you are posting shows you are a caring friend. I know you are hurt.
I've been on both sides
Before, I couldn't really comprehend what loss felt like, and felt very much like you do about it all. I totally see where you are coming from.
Afterwards, it felt like my heart being ripped out without anaesthetic, but what felt worse was the radio silence. There were literally people who never spoke to me again. I had friends with kids/newborns challenge me about what kind of friend I was being. I was excluded from a lot of things, simply not invited.
There was one friend who got it right. She let me react how I wanted, remained in touch, and let me resume life at my own pace, find my new normal to my own timetable without judgement. I will never forget her kindness. If you can find the strength to dig deep into your heart and just be there until she is ready, she will never forget you either.

Miscarriages are awful but life goes on. I don't think you deserve to be flamed. Sounds like you're better off without her.

Insensitivity squared.

I do feel very sorry for the friend. Hugely sorry. And the OP wants to 'confront' her? If I were you OP, I would be leaving the twins at home, buying the biggest bunch of flowers that your florist can handle, and delivering it to your friend. On your knees.