My friend ditched me when I became pregnant.

[Angelle2]

A long story. Had a friend who I've known for 15 years and was my Maid of Honor at my wedding last year. She had stillbirth at 31 weeks about 18 months prior my wedding. I tried to be supportive but she never wanted to talk about it and I was even kept in the dark when it all happened so I never really knew the whole story or even the outcome of the investigation at the hospital. She did explain briefly but after that I respected her wishes and how she wanted to deal with it. My husband and I were trying for a baby before we got married and it wasn't happening. Unknowingly then I had high prolactin levels which stopped me from ovulating. And I went through a year of tests, medication and uncertainty which as a friend we spoke about and she was always encouraging and supportive of me becoming a mother. Much to my joy and surprise I fell pregnant on my honeymoon and that we were expecting twins.

So I tell all friends and family at 3 months including her.It did cross my mind that she could be still grieving but I thought she's been so supportive of my situation she'd be ok and she even visited a friend of hers who had a baby around that time. Anyway on the day I told her, she was in a funny mood and she also had the flu. We actually had a brief disagreement because I was late meeting her but we quickly sorted it out and carried on to find a place to eat. So I tell her the news, she says congrats etc etc. Then all of a sudden she tells me she's not feeling well and wants to go home. I'm assuming its the flu so didn't think much of it.

Weeks after I was trying to get dates in the diary to meet up but she always had something going on, a date, study, yoga. But we'd always still have long conversations on the phone and we would talk about pregnancy, work, men and the rest. Just like normal really. Then it dawned on me she's been avoiding me. She made it impossible for me to come to her birthday drinks. She text me the night before knowing that I live outside London and often work from home due to me not travelling by train as much because of my twin pregnancy. Then one day in a conversation she starts crying and telling me the day that I told her of my news it was her anniversary. Of course I didn't know because I knew very little of what had happened in her situation. I was devastated too as I would never be so insensitive If I knew she was still hurting.

So I decide to back off and give her some space. My baby shower was up and coming and she was suppose to be helping so I assumed I'd see her then. She never came, she never called and we haven't spoken since. Don't get me wrong I am sympathetic to how she is feeling but my babies have since been born and I'm angry and hurt she hasn't even bothered to call to see how we are, if I am ok or they are ok. I know she knows they are here, it's been 6 months now and we have the same circle of friends. What should I do, should I call her to confront her or let her get on with her life? My family and friends are all very angry with her too as she been a close friend of mine for years and she has come across as self centred. She's also been posting photos and messages on FB saying how happy she is and appearing like everything is fine so they suggest I don't call her.I agree to a degree because I haven't done anything wrong and I feel like she has erased me from her life because she is unable to think outside her own situation. If it were me, I know I would be there for her despite my own pain. For example when I was trying and couldn't get pregnant another close friend of mine conceived. That didn't stop me calling or visiting her and I didn't even think about me.Therefore I want to have it out and move on. I can't get over this very easily. Any advice, anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, what was the outcome?

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One person said you didn't understand, Octo. This is not a breech of guidelines which is why such posts were not deleted.

I can only see where a pp said that you obviously don't understand, which is true, you don't, you have admitted yourself that you dealt with your loss in a completely different way to this lady, you don't understand why she reacted as she has.

Even if I have missed a post saying that you had no empathy then can you point out where you have showed any towards ops 'friend' as I have clearly missed that too.

I am quite horrified there is such an attack on you here OP. Yes, you have been a bit insensitive but many who haven't gone through such a traumatic experience themselves don't know how to deal with such a thing. Not that this excuses any insensitivity as we should all be careful not to hurt the feelings of someone who is already grieving such a terrible, terrible loss.

I think honestly she wishes she was in your shoes. She'd love a baby and when she has one, she loses it. However when her best friend has a baby she has no problems whatsoever and wants her to celebrate with her. If she really could I am sure she would but you have everything she could possibly want right now and aren't being at all sensitive about it. She really wishes that she could be happy for you but honestly if you even tried to put yourself in her position - I mean properly - wouldn't you want to not be around her too? Because it would remind you of what you lost. It may seem irrational but I guarantee when you have gone through such a trauma the last thing on your mind is being rational and rightly so.

I feel for you because others are attacking you for not knowing the date, although you have said she didn't really want to talk about it. So obviously you didn't push the issue. Some people cope with talking, others withdraw into themselves - it doesn't mean their friends have been bad friends. A good friend respects boundaries but promises to always be there.

In an extremely less serious case thank goodness, I have a male friend who is with a woman who a year ago found out I was pregnant. At the time he stopped talking to me completely and blanked every message I sent him, ignored my Facebook messages and told others he didn't want to talk to me. I was deeply insulted. I found out about 6 months later he thought he couldn't have children (he, or the partner, they weren't too sure) but then found out there wasn't a problem as such, just maybe a bit more difficult. Anyway March this year they started to talk again as his partner is now pregnant and he doesn't feel like he has to avoid me anymore. I know it's not half as serious, but it illustrates the hurt someone can have when they feel you are granted all your wishes and they aren't given theirs.

I am thinking of her and her poor little child that she lost. I hope she is happy and not feigning it, because it must be really hard.

When she mentioned it was the date that her child passed away, you should've been a lot more sympathetic. Perhaps by 'distancing yourself' she thought you were blaming her for her reaction and therefore didn't want to be involved with you anymore. In hindsight perhaps it would've been better to apologise and say you were here to chat whenever she need someone to talk to and if she fancied meeting up/having a coffee etc to just call you and you'd try and arrange it.

Once you realise that you have probably not acted the most appropriately about this, is when I think the right time to approach her is. It seems an awful shame to ruin a relationship over something that should make her want to have you their as support more and for you to be more sensitive to her needs.

When you do decide to make the move just start casually at first and if the topic is raised, do apologise for being insensitive and be honest - you really didn't know what to say or do, so you stupidly said/did nothing. It's the truth and everyone appreciates the truth, even if it isn't the nicest.

I am sorry for the essay of a response but felt that you were being battered on when you were just a bit ignorant, not a bad person.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Octo. I am one of those people that think you don't understand. I do think the following comments make you sound a bit insensitive and they make you sound like you can't put yourself in Ops friends position and if that's the case then how can you possibly empathise with how she reacted? Now I understand my interpretation of your comments may be misplaced happy for you to correct me but I honestly think the comments sound insensitive...

whatever has gone on before, to not even acknowledge your own child> thats a shit friend I'm afraid.

making someones baby feel like a dirty entity because of something else is wrong. I don't get it, in what way has Ops friend made Ops baby "feel like a dirty entity"?

I brought up v.much on the staple of 'if you have unprotected sex it is very likely you will miscarry at some point in your life, a fact of life, not a nice one but a fact nonetheless, it prepared me in a way. How can you possibly compare a mc to giving birth to a still born baby? I really find it difficult how a mc can be compared to a still born child.