My friend ditched me when I became pregnant.

[Angelle2]

A long story. Had a friend who I've known for 15 years and was my Maid of Honor at my wedding last year. She had stillbirth at 31 weeks about 18 months prior my wedding. I tried to be supportive but she never wanted to talk about it and I was even kept in the dark when it all happened so I never really knew the whole story or even the outcome of the investigation at the hospital. She did explain briefly but after that I respected her wishes and how she wanted to deal with it. My husband and I were trying for a baby before we got married and it wasn't happening. Unknowingly then I had high prolactin levels which stopped me from ovulating. And I went through a year of tests, medication and uncertainty which as a friend we spoke about and she was always encouraging and supportive of me becoming a mother. Much to my joy and surprise I fell pregnant on my honeymoon and that we were expecting twins.

So I tell all friends and family at 3 months including her.It did cross my mind that she could be still grieving but I thought she's been so supportive of my situation she'd be ok and she even visited a friend of hers who had a baby around that time. Anyway on the day I told her, she was in a funny mood and she also had the flu. We actually had a brief disagreement because I was late meeting her but we quickly sorted it out and carried on to find a place to eat. So I tell her the news, she says congrats etc etc. Then all of a sudden she tells me she's not feeling well and wants to go home. I'm assuming its the flu so didn't think much of it.

Weeks after I was trying to get dates in the diary to meet up but she always had something going on, a date, study, yoga. But we'd always still have long conversations on the phone and we would talk about pregnancy, work, men and the rest. Just like normal really. Then it dawned on me she's been avoiding me. She made it impossible for me to come to her birthday drinks. She text me the night before knowing that I live outside London and often work from home due to me not travelling by train as much because of my twin pregnancy. Then one day in a conversation she starts crying and telling me the day that I told her of my news it was her anniversary. Of course I didn't know because I knew very little of what had happened in her situation. I was devastated too as I would never be so insensitive If I knew she was still hurting.

So I decide to back off and give her some space. My baby shower was up and coming and she was suppose to be helping so I assumed I'd see her then. She never came, she never called and we haven't spoken since. Don't get me wrong I am sympathetic to how she is feeling but my babies have since been born and I'm angry and hurt she hasn't even bothered to call to see how we are, if I am ok or they are ok. I know she knows they are here, it's been 6 months now and we have the same circle of friends. What should I do, should I call her to confront her or let her get on with her life? My family and friends are all very angry with her too as she been a close friend of mine for years and she has come across as self centred. She's also been posting photos and messages on FB saying how happy she is and appearing like everything is fine so they suggest I don't call her.I agree to a degree because I haven't done anything wrong and I feel like she has erased me from her life because she is unable to think outside her own situation. If it were me, I know I would be there for her despite my own pain. For example when I was trying and couldn't get pregnant another close friend of mine conceived. That didn't stop me calling or visiting her and I didn't even think about me.Therefore I want to have it out and move on. I can't get over this very easily. Any advice, anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, what was the outcome?

My family and friends are all very angry with her

what very angry with the woman who after having to give birth to her dead child distanced herself from a pregnant friend?

I've had five miscarriages, the last one three months ago. It was a boy; I saw his heart beating on the scan and a week later he left me.
Living with even such early losses is a matter of pain more or less present depending on the day, on what else is going on, on all sorts of things. How much greater, how much more more vivid and agonising that pain must be for a baby whom you felt stirring and moving inside you, I cannot imagine.

OP, I get that you weren't expecting the response you have had on here. I get that you are stung at being attacked and are being defensive now. But the most gracious thing to do would be to thank people for sharing their experiences of desperately painful loss and to rethink things. Why do you feel entitled to judge that your friend's pain 'should' be over by now and that she 'should' be putting herself aside to circle around your happiness?

You were "there for her in her loss"?? Really? You didn't even know the date of when her baby died! And when she called you to tell you that you'd told her you were pregnant on the anniversary of her baby's death you "backed off"! What actual support did you give her?

OP,

Slightly different angle here...this is your closest friend, your maid of honour, so you love her, right?

So understand this: she can't do your pregnancy. She wishes she could hence promising you your baby shower etc, but she can't. She hates herself for it so she avoids you. All the time she is in the worst agony you can ever imagine.

This happened between my two sisters in law, one just had second miscarriage, other fell pregnant with third child no problem. First SIL could not even see her sister until many months later when safely pregnant again herself. It was just too bloody painful.

One of my closest friends lost her third child and her uterus seven years ago. She still cannot look at a pram or discuss babies in any context. On the face of it she has 'got over it'. Trust me, she hasn't and won't.

In your place I would buy the nicest card in the world celebrating friendship and tell her you understand that she needs space right now but you will always love her and welcome her back when she I'd ready. Unless she gets pregnant very soon that could be a long time.

Any new pregnancies for her will be terrifying throughout. No lovely shopping, dreaming of gorgeous newborn babies, just heart stopping terror.

It's time for you to be there for her. Give her space and with all good luck, one day your friend will be back.

Enjoy your pregnancy and your babies and send up a little prayer of thanks whatever your beliefs.

OP, it really comes across that you just want to contact your friend to give vent to your own feelings. Although you genuinely may not mean it, the way you word your thoughts, whether by letter / email or in person is going to upset your friend.

Congratulations on having 2 healthy babies, they are a blessing.

Perhaps just send your friend a bunch of flowers with a card just saying "thinking of you". She may never contact you, or she may try to see you sometime in the future, but just be there and listen and not speak. I think if anything at all, that is what she would need from a true friend.

When she didn't show for your baby shower and didn't call, did it not occur to you to call her, and show some concern for her?

When it crossed your mind that she might still be grieving, did it not occur to you that she'll probably be grieving for the rest of her life?

How can you know that you'd be there for her if you'd lost one of your children and she was pregnant? It's a very easy line to trot out when you have your children with you.

And then your dilemma is all about whether you should have it out with her because your friends are angry and you want to move on. This poor woman has had to give birth to her dead child- and you want to move on.

I might have missed something, but I can't see anything in any of your posts asking how to help your friend, nothing that says you understand how sensitive you need to be given the delicacy of the situation, nothing about how much you care for your friend and would like to figure out a way to be there for her. It's all about you and how difficult it is for you that your friend is keeping her distance.

OP it sounds to me that for whatever reason, neither of you can give the other what they need / want. So move on. If your family, who seem so indignant on your behalf press the point then you can tell them the same.

Oh, and if you want answers based on the "full story" you need to tell us all of it in your OP not sure it would change much in this thread

You were angry with her for not coming to your baby shower. Thinking about yourself. When did you ever think it might be too hard for her? Exactly.

I think that's good advice Matilda

I know what it's like to be flamed on MN OP, but I think if you're prepared to think you may have been somewhat in the wrong in this friendship you could learn from everything people have shared here.

I think you need to listen more to people on here than to your friends and family who've told you they are also "very angry" with her. Whoever said that it was no help to you or your relationship with your friend.

A friendly card and/or a visit from just you without the babies could possibly be welcome to your friend.

If I knew she was still hurting

That about sums it up OP. What a ridiculous comment!!!!! She lost her child, she will never stop hurting!!!!

My friend gave birth to her sleeping baby daughter 5 years ago - I can give you the exact date and time. I can tell you when her baby was due. I can tell you the first and middle name she gave to her daughter. I can tell you I would never forget the anniversary and every year I have sent a card and a gift. I can tell you I have visited the grave and put flowers and teddies there - that's what friends do!!! I can tell you that as a person she has changed forever. A part of her has died too. I cannot think of anything more heartbreaking than the loss of a child and yet it's still about all you!!!!

This thread is so humbling. So many people have shared experiences more painful than I've ever known.

A stark reminder of what one of my dearest friend experienced. I can't share her story, it isn't mine to tell, but my goodness it was harrowing. Absolutely awful.

Of my friends who have had stillborn babies, one has ttc ever since without conceiving, the other was celibate for 3 years out of absolute fear. There is no 'getting over' something like this, only a desperate search for a way forward.

To all those who shared their stories

She may well be self centered normally, but she's allowed to be self centered about this!

OP I had a friend who had a still born at full term and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to one of my friends, and unbelievably hard to try to support her.

I really can't understand why your friends and family are angry at her, that seems so callous. She just CANNOT compute your babies, it is too soon and too raw. Can't you understand that? Congrats on your children, that's wonderful. But if you expect her to easily put aside her loss and focus on your babies then you are mistaken.

You really don't get it, do you OP?

DH & I lost our DD1 to still birth at 32 weeks, 18 months ago. She was our PFB, conceived after various fertility issues. DH & I are deeply private people - we shared no details of what happened or why we lost DD, even though we had a post mortem and know, all that anyone knows is that we lost our DD to still birth. I certainly don't share my grief, and if someone was to read my FB posts, they'd think I was happy, blah, blah, blah and "had moved on". Since then, DH & I have been trying to conceive and I've had 3 early MC's and a MMC at 12 weeks where we found out at the 12 week scan our baby had died. No-one knows, because I choose not to share.

One of my closest friends fell pregnant about 3 months after we lost our DD. She was kind enough to tell me first, that she was pg, before she shared the news with anyone else so that it would give me time to absorb her news.

She then didn't shove her pregnancy down my throat and she certainly didn't ask me to her baby shower or share every little bit of baby news - she left it to me to ask and apart from asking how she was when I saw her, that was as far as it ever went. I was over the moon for her, but as she started to show, her pg got harder and harder for me to deal with.

It was made worse when her son was born on the day of what should have been our daughters first birthday. Every time I see her son, which is usually twice weekly, because we have a business together, it's like a stab in the guts that she has a beautiful, vibrant baby boy and all DH & I have is some ashes. I've never wanted to hold her son, I'm not that interested in her son, apart from how he is doing, but the questioning is only ever "polite interest". I haven't given any baby gifts, and I certainly don't gush over him like everyone else does. I CAN'T. Because every time I think about it, I choke up and think that actually, my daughter should have been 12 months older, having experienced all the milestones her son is now having.

Do you know what. She is fabulous about it. She actually understands how bloody hard it is for me to see her with her gorgeous son, so she doesn't make a big deal of him. She certainly isn't angry that I'm not being "doting enough".

It's not about you, OP. And, TBH, if my friend was you and she rang me up to "confront me", I'd be giving her a few home truths about just what a self centered cow she was being. You have absolutely NO IDEA. To think that she possibly might still be hurting after 12 months just shows. You don't just get over it. You learn to live with the grief of loosing your child.

Frankly, she's well shot of you.

Oh tiger. That makes me so sad.

I miscarried twins at 12 weeks. Every year at that time I feel sad, and always sit on the day they should have been born and quietly raise a glass to them. That was ten years ago and it still makes me sad. Your friend will still be grieving and probably does not want to hear about your troubles - she needs to move herself away from anything that may upset her further, and your attitude sounds a little toxic. Leave her be, let her be and maybe she will come back to you one day.

Like the OP I don't know the pain of losing a child. I fear it's far worse than I could even begin to imagine. I too wouldn't know how best to support someone after such a loss.

However, being angry and confrontational is def not the way forward. You are grieving the loss of a friendship, she prob is too.... But also her child.

You say you've seen her Facebook updates, maybe just drop her a private message.... Keep it casual. Comment on a holiday she's been on, a new haircut really suiting her etc. There's nothing wrong with making contact as long as you do it sensitively. The ball is in her court then and if she can't handle the friendship anymore I'm afraid you just have to let it go.

'Frankly, she's well shot of you.'

And your family and friends, tbh, if they are this insensitive.

This is sad to read, but it doesn't surprise me. I've heard it from so many people, even those who lost their children as adults and half a year later people are asking them if they are 'back to normal' as if the 20 or 30 odd years they had their child with them were FA.

You are so lucky - you have your family but your friends baby died.

We had a horrific time ttc our only son, and during this time my family were never considerate, thoughtful or empathetic. It resulted in me cutting all ties with my brother - he has no part in our lives because of his gross insensitivity.

Be very aware of what your friend has gone through and hopefully your friendship will survive.

I think you should take a step back from this. Your friend has suffered a totally devastating loss which she will never get over. I think you should leave her alone to contact you when she is ready.

My friend had a stillbirth at 6 months. She has never spoken of what happened but I did my own research about what she went through so I could try and understand where she was coming from. I suggest you do the same because your post makes me believe you have no idea about what she went through.

The best you can do is apologise. I would write her a note or even send flowers. For future reference I think the best you can do is pull your friend aside when you tell them you are pregnant. I didn't send my friend an invite for my baby shower. Instead I met her for brunch and told her she was welcome to an invite if she wanted one.

The fact of the matter is we did speak about it in depth and she said I been a good friend to her. I was supportive no matter what you all think. I cant spend all day writing every conversation and deed. I've never dealt with a situation like this before. In this respect I guess yes I am wrong and immature. And allowed other people's opinions to cloud my own judgement. There are so many factors here. But can understand how it comes across. Thank you to those who have advised without attack, assumptions and judgement all to to which has been taken on board.

Okay then. Now continue being supportive by leaving her alone and be an adult and stop whinging in any way to your family and friends about how hurt and hard-done-by you feel.