Please help me make a decision - would you continue relationship with someone your family didn't like? Possible depression/EA issues too...

[tigerbear]

Ok, I'll try to keep this as brief as possible - but this will still be long - sorry!
In a nutshell:

• I split up with my husband just over a year ago due to many issues - mainly him being dismissive of my/others opinions, arrogant in many ways, didn't make an effort with my family etc. We aren't divorced yet, but I recently moved out and bought a new place. We have a toddler together.
• I met someone new (online) and have been seeing him 8 months.

All has been very intense and we have both been very happy together - in many ways he is the opposite to my ex - is good with my daughter, very kind, sensitive and caring, very complimentary on how I look/what I wear and how I'm the most amazing person ever, etc, we seem to have a real connection and as cliched as it seems, we've both thought that we're soul mates (I KNOW how stupid that sounds!)

The problem: I went on holiday to visit my family (with my daughter) for 2 weeks and he came to visit for 2 days towards the end of this.
He's met my Mum and her partner once before, same with my Dad.
The 2 days were very awkward - he was introverted, defensive when asked any 'normal' questions like 'tell me about your job' etc, came across as not wanting to do everyday things (like play on the beach with my toddler as he 'doesn't like beaches' - he did do it, but expressed dismay initially), was scared/stressed by normal things (like choosing what he wanted for lunch when out with my parents).
The visit culminated in an awful journey back home with him and my mum and her partner, when he was IMO quite rude to my mum's partner.
I expressed how upset I was to my Mum afterwards and she (and everyone else in the family) feels that he is just like my ex.
We discussed small doubts she has had about him/I've had about the following:

• He is 48 (I'm 36) and has been out of work for quite a while (with a few bits of freelance over the past month or so. He's in severe financial trouble (may lose his flat if he can't pay the mortgage on it and has credit card up to the max as been paying the mortgage on this). My family are concerned about his work ethic/the reality of him still finding work in his chosen field, which is quite specific and has changed a lot over the past few years, to the point where he is being turned down for the majority of roles he goes for
• Is quite negative about lots of things = things he doesn't like, doesn't eat, doesn't do...
• Proposed last month (I said yes) - my Mum worries that he never committed to his long term partner
• Is admittedly a bit set in his ways after being single for a few years (had one long term relationship of over 20 years but never married or had children)
• Prefers his own company to that of others (I've never met any of his friends and when I invited him to meet mine he cancelled as said he was too tired). He has said in the past that he is scared that people will want to take something from him/shaft him as it's happened before. In the time we've known each other he's only met friends maybe 2-3 times and he spent Christmas alone
• Is not family oriented and I am - when he visits his own family he won't stay in their house and always stays in a hotel. He suggested staying in a hotel for one of the 2 nights we saw my family, rather than stay at my Mums place
• He has had a problem with drugs in the past
• Not sure whether to make a thing of this or not, but it did concern me slightly - we were talking once about putting on weight and he said something along the lines of 'don't get big, I don't like them big' Half joking, I asked if he would dump me if I put on a stone or two, and (not sure if he was joking) he said he might have to send me away for a while

This has become really long without me realising it - thanks if you've got this far! My family are all saying he's the same as my ex and I can't see that he's wrong for me, but up until before this visit happened, I WAS very happy with him - I felt a contentment I never felt with my ex, he looked after me and cared for me - cooking nice meals, thoughtful little things - while I've undergone a stressful time at work/had a house move.

In many ways we are very similar - slight social nervousness (although I am much more confident than him right now), prefer our own space, etc, although I'm unsure if he has more of a problem than he realises (re the awkwardness around others).

Do I continue? (I can't quite bring myself to end it with someone who has made me so happy over the past few months, seems to adore me and understand me, and who I've had so much fun with)...

Thanks for reading!!

Well, that is quite a long list of potential issues. And it seems very soon to get engaged.

Are your family's views usually worth listening to, do you think?

And have you discussed with your boyfriend why he behaved as he did with your family?

I hate to rain on your parade but wondering if

He's in severe financial trouble (may lose his flat

has anything to do with asking you to marry him.... (he can move into yours).

He actually doesn't sound like a very nice man if he can't even be civil for two days to the family of the woman he loves.

As for the job situation..... Are you willing to support him for the rest of your life?

No way!

Oh god, OP, look at the list you've written! I'm not sure whether he's like your ex, but he sounds as though he'd be a big problem in the future.

About to lose everything financially.
Proposing when he hasn't got anything to offer and you do.
Rude to your family.
No friends.
Unwilling to meet your friends.

Etc, etc. I believe you when you say he's nice to you at times but can't you see that this behaviour is really dodgy?

No, sorry. I think your mum has given you a kind warning. He seems as though he would bring you various types of pain if you stayed with him.
Also, having a spouse whom your family dislike causes problems, which doesn't matter so much if your family are awful, but they sound nice...

Thanks for your replies.

Mooncup - he was aware that he spoiled the journey back and wasn't perhaps as forthcoming as he could have been, and said it was due to the fact that he was overwhelmed by the two days, felt pressure to be all singing all dancing, felt slightly intimidated by my mum's partner (who is very 'up', very bubbly and a big personality but who wasn't horrible to him), was tired, and is very stressed/deflated in confidence by his work/financial situation.

He has also said that he often finds it hard to know what to say in social situations so just withdraws and says nothing (which I understand to a certain extent as I suffer from this too).

MariaLuna - he has already said he wouldn't move to the city I live in, as he doesn't like it (has lived here before). He lives about an hour away (although easily commutable). He hasn't expressed an interest in moving into my flat... If I had the choice, I wouldn't live in the city I do, so all of that is a bit up in the air anyway, long term I'm not sure where I/we will live, as I need to be near my ex husband (who isn't open to moving).

Treaguez and Mooncup - in answer to your questions re my family, they are really nice, very supportive in every way, and their opinions and advice is usually very good.

I can see why they are concerned, but if he is depressed, shy and quiet (which he says he is), and is trying to find work (he has just been given a lucrative 2 month contract that will sort a lot if not all of his financial problems) - I feel he deserves a chance... But written down, I can see there are lots of concerns...

You are about to quite frankly, Fuck up your entire life, AND that of your children.

Why would you want to saddle yourself with a man, this old, this washed up, this hopeless?

He's just schmaltzing you. He NEEDS someone to cocklodge off, no matter what he says.

Anyone that is that screwed up, at his age, with his attitude, is a gonner.

Listen to your family, break off the engagement and don't 2ven think about taking this anywhere until he's employed AND solvent.

You've suffered enough.

There are reasons - big, red, flaggy reasons - why he has never been married or had children at nearly 50.

He actually fits a classic abuser profile, a sort of white knight type. He makes you feel amazing, showers you with compliments, there is talk of soulmates and forever very soon into the relationship, there will be an early engagement... Need I go on? This type craves the thrill of the chase. They fantasise about their perfect woman and ironically make whoever they are with, ie you right now, feel like she's the most special woman in the world, but really you could be interchangeable for any woman he decides to idolise and put on a pedastel to fulfill his emotional needs.

Because he is trying to keep things in a sort of ideal fantasy state, his love is totally conditional amd he can't cope with the realities and practicalities of every day life with you, as this holiday has revealed. His past woth drugs shows he has an impulsive, compulsive side with a need to retreat into escape from reality. Talk of leaving you if you put on weight, not wanting to go on the beach, being rude to your family, being very fussy and negative about what he won't do, go, eat, etc., obsessed with the idea he'll be ripped off, wants to keep you compartmentalised as 'his woman' and separate from the rest of his life ,(not wanting to meet friends, the weird shit about staying in a hotel to visit family), not wanting to go to the beach when your toddler wanted to (hardly being nice to her, is it), being chaotic, immature and irresponsible with work and money... He sounds nightmarish. Yes, yes, am sure he is lovely and wonderful and dreamy, but anyone can be Prince Charming if they only have to be super nice in small, compartmentalised, controllable bursts.

I bet his next move will be to want to move into yours because of his disastrous financial situation, mark my words.

Also, you have been out of your last relationship for a very short amount of time. You should heed your family when they say you are alling for a similar type again. Time being single and maybe getting some counselling to understand why you go for this type of man would benefit you, and your DD, whose little spirit will be broken by you going out with a string of losers like this, far better in the long run.

How long was it after your ExH and you split before you started OD?

You weren't ready, you were (and still are) vulnerable.

Listen to your family, if they've always had your best interests at heart, and been right mostly, they are probably right again now.

Put your émotions to one side and look at him logically.

He doesn't stack up at all, does he?

Listen to your mother. And to Hissy.

Huge red flags waving here. Take a step back.

X-post. You say he deserves a chance - but what about you and your dc? Don't YOU deserve a chance to be loved decently, unconditionally and healthily, by a nice, normal, staightforward, easygoing sort of bloke? My DP is shy, quiet and currently depressed, as his company is going through a worryingly skint phase, but he isn't a cocklodging, whining manchild who struggles to be civil to other people for 48 hours.

"very complimentary on how I look/what I wear and how I'm the most amazing person ever" - this kind of thing can disappear very quickly and then what are you left with?

I do think it sounds like a bumpy road ahead with him. At the very least, slooooooow down the relationship. Don't marry him. Don't move in together. Do not consider having a child with him for years and years. See if he can sort himself out financially, and if he can remain consistently kind to you and your dc, and generally enhances your life.

A loving family can often see clearly what we ourselves struggle to see (especially when awash with happy hormones/endorphins from "being in love").

Tiger, I separated from my husband 8 months ago, and I know that different people's experiences of marriage breakdown are very different, I know that I'm really not ready to go into another relationship. 4 months after my split with h, I met someone who I thought was The One, was really bowled over by him, but...it's become clear that actually, no. (Long story much compressed there!) Thankfully it wasn't very traumatic.

The only thing I'd want to say to you is this: just be aware that you are still in the very early days of recovery from your marriage, and be aware that you only had a very short time of singledom before embarking on the relationship with the new man. One of my friends told me when I was full of infatuation 'don't underestimate how vulnerable you are right now' and she was so right - I was very vulnerable at that time, and so wanted to meet someone else and the emotional security of a relationship. But I wasn't recovered enough from my marriage break up to see that the one I thought was the One was not really the right sort of person for me at all. (He wasn't terrible, just....no).

The man you've met might, or might not be The One for you, but you may be still, on one level or other, working through the issues from your marriage, and this might be making it hard for you to work out what is right for you. So the only thing that is going to help is by giving this new relationship loads and loads of time, and gradually, seeing how it pans out.

Don't do anything quickly - maybe set time limits on it, like 'We're not even going to think about setting a wedding date until next summer' or whatever. And listen to your own doubts, niggles and things that jar on you, as well as listening to your family.

I hope you don't think I'm overstepping the line - I know that I'm speaking from a particular experience and you might be completely different.

Thanks so much for all your advice and opinions, I really appreciate it.
Although it's similar to what my family have said, it's often difficult to take advice from your own family!

I'm beginning to see that this probably isn't the most healthy relationship (I guess what we've experienced so far was in a bit of a 'bubble' - the majority of the time we've spent together has been at his place, just us two, no-one else/other outside influences to distract, so as Oxford mentioned, I suppose it's easy for him to be nice when there's nothing else to focus on, ie real life)

Take your time. And don't let your family decide whether or not you continue in the relationship. But on the other hand I am sure they have your best interests at heart so don't rush into anything. Most mature people make a reasonable effort to get on with family at least for the first few times they meet. You would hope so anyway. So if this rings alarm bells for you then listen to them. Good luck.

OxfordBags has given you excellent advice, as have all the other posters on here. You need to put yourself first here OP. As others said, there are huge red flags all over the place with this man.

When I was first with my wanker ex and things were going wrong already, I was talking to a friend of mine about the relationship. I said to her 'I'm just not sure if he's worth it'. Her answer has always stuck with me - 'it's not about what he's worth, it's about what you're worth'. She was so right.

OP I would get out of this now before things become even more painful. You will be doing yourself a huge favour by nipping this in the bud now. Good luck and keep posting

Thanks again, some good advice from you all...

WasFeelingLousy and others - you've hit upon something that I hadn't thought of before - that the issues from my previous relationship will impact on whatever relationship is next and that I may not be ready for this, although I thought I was completely ready for a new relationship.

What both OxfordBags and Hissy wrote. These posters in particular I feel are very wise and their words should not go unheeded by you.

You were and still remain unready to embark on yet another relationship, you are not as yet divorced either amongst other things.

I would do some serious work through counselling on your own self now to ensure that you do not repeat the same old mistakes yet again as you have done this time around. Such men can do great harm to a person's overall sense of self esteem and worth, your ex harmed you and this one is doing the self same to your self esteem and overall wellbeing.

You've basically gone from one Mr Wrong to yet another Mr Wrong man albeit of a different type but still wrong all the same. He also fits the profile of someone abusive to boot, a different graded abuser to your ex but an abuser all the same.

I would suggest you end this so called relationship with this person as of now for your own sake as well as that of your child's. Its all been too much and too soon, you are nowhere near ready to embark on another relationship as you need to sort your own self out first. Love your own self for a change, you do not need a man like this one in particular to somehow validate you, that makes you also sound codependent. This man would destroy you in the end.

I would suggest too that you finalise the divorce asap and book yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme. This helps women who have been in abusive relationships.

If all the time you've spent together, nearly, is just the two of you at his place...and he can't play with your child and he can't talk to your parents...that alone is not great.

I think his comments about you putting on weight are probably what he would describe as 'humorous' and you should be wary. If it were to happen and he were to behave the way he's suggested, he'd consider you had fair warning of something that's ultimately very nasty and shouldn't be tolerated. It wouldn't be his problem, it would be yours.

I'd also bet he has more 'rules' up his sleeve about what he will and will not tolerate.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that getting closely tied to a man with horrible or difficult sides to his character which he brushes off as 'depression' isn't a good idea. Once again, listen to him. He's telling you directly what he's like. He's not taking responsibility for how he is. If you listen to how he describes himself, and what happens to him, you will hear what you would have to deal with for many years if you did marry him.

Sure, he can say nice things from time to time, but he's actually given you a lot of information about himself and not the person he would like you to think he is. Listen to him.

Just wanted to add - how can you know someone well enough to marry them (ie commit for life) when you haven't met a single one of their friends, nor they one of yours? 'In a bubble' sums it up. Don't do it!

Atilla, coming from you, that's a great compliment, as I think the same of you!

Thanks!

Tigerbear, this man is playing a part atm, but it's slipping already. The weight comments highly significant.

The 'social ineptitude'? That too. Eventually that will morph into not wanting to share you, or staying in all the time. Then he'll expect YOU to too. He's deliberately NOT meeting your friends because he wants to isolate you from them. Ditto your family.

He may manufacture depression to bolster that position, and further his grip.

He's in no position to marry you! How's it going to be paid for? His only wedding and he'll expect you to suck it up that it's on the cheap? Or YOU pay for it?

Please wake up, end it and have a proper decent relationship with YOU first! Do the freedom programme, read Lundy and if you can get counselling, please do.

You are not a burden to be taken on, you are a readymade mum and family, ready to bless the life of whoever is lucky enough for you to love. Remember that!

Thank you too, Attila :)

Having had to (and still am) dealing with financial difficulties I would say run, and run fast - he wont interact with your toddler, run faster! Yes he deserves a chance and if he is depressed he needs help, but that help is NOT you getting more and more involved with him and letting him drag you down with him. I say this as someone who suffers from depression, probably brought on by the money worries.

Hi all, sorry I haven't posted - haven't had access to the internet until now.

I've only just spoken to him to say it's over, and I feel awful about it.
He accused me of lying about how I felt about him the whole time we were together (because up until a few days ago I had said I loved him - and I did, or thought I did). He is asking how 48 hours of a visit to my family has changed the whole way I feel about him, and asking why it's only him who is the bad guy (not me or my family).

He feels it's unfair how I've just made this decision and that's that, that he doesn't get a say/or given the chance to work things through. He said how he was going to go to the doctor about his social phobia/anxiety.

I feel like a total bitch...