Please help me make a decision - would you continue relationship with someone your family didn't like? Possible depression/EA issues too...

[tigerbear]

Ok, I'll try to keep this as brief as possible - but this will still be long - sorry!
In a nutshell:

• I split up with my husband just over a year ago due to many issues - mainly him being dismissive of my/others opinions, arrogant in many ways, didn't make an effort with my family etc. We aren't divorced yet, but I recently moved out and bought a new place. We have a toddler together.
• I met someone new (online) and have been seeing him 8 months.

All has been very intense and we have both been very happy together - in many ways he is the opposite to my ex - is good with my daughter, very kind, sensitive and caring, very complimentary on how I look/what I wear and how I'm the most amazing person ever, etc, we seem to have a real connection and as cliched as it seems, we've both thought that we're soul mates (I KNOW how stupid that sounds!)

The problem: I went on holiday to visit my family (with my daughter) for 2 weeks and he came to visit for 2 days towards the end of this.
He's met my Mum and her partner once before, same with my Dad.
The 2 days were very awkward - he was introverted, defensive when asked any 'normal' questions like 'tell me about your job' etc, came across as not wanting to do everyday things (like play on the beach with my toddler as he 'doesn't like beaches' - he did do it, but expressed dismay initially), was scared/stressed by normal things (like choosing what he wanted for lunch when out with my parents).
The visit culminated in an awful journey back home with him and my mum and her partner, when he was IMO quite rude to my mum's partner.
I expressed how upset I was to my Mum afterwards and she (and everyone else in the family) feels that he is just like my ex.
We discussed small doubts she has had about him/I've had about the following:

• He is 48 (I'm 36) and has been out of work for quite a while (with a few bits of freelance over the past month or so. He's in severe financial trouble (may lose his flat if he can't pay the mortgage on it and has credit card up to the max as been paying the mortgage on this). My family are concerned about his work ethic/the reality of him still finding work in his chosen field, which is quite specific and has changed a lot over the past few years, to the point where he is being turned down for the majority of roles he goes for
• Is quite negative about lots of things = things he doesn't like, doesn't eat, doesn't do...
• Proposed last month (I said yes) - my Mum worries that he never committed to his long term partner
• Is admittedly a bit set in his ways after being single for a few years (had one long term relationship of over 20 years but never married or had children)
• Prefers his own company to that of others (I've never met any of his friends and when I invited him to meet mine he cancelled as said he was too tired). He has said in the past that he is scared that people will want to take something from him/shaft him as it's happened before. In the time we've known each other he's only met friends maybe 2-3 times and he spent Christmas alone
• Is not family oriented and I am - when he visits his own family he won't stay in their house and always stays in a hotel. He suggested staying in a hotel for one of the 2 nights we saw my family, rather than stay at my Mums place
• He has had a problem with drugs in the past
• Not sure whether to make a thing of this or not, but it did concern me slightly - we were talking once about putting on weight and he said something along the lines of 'don't get big, I don't like them big' Half joking, I asked if he would dump me if I put on a stone or two, and (not sure if he was joking) he said he might have to send me away for a while

This has become really long without me realising it - thanks if you've got this far! My family are all saying he's the same as my ex and I can't see that he's wrong for me, but up until before this visit happened, I WAS very happy with him - I felt a contentment I never felt with my ex, he looked after me and cared for me - cooking nice meals, thoughtful little things - while I've undergone a stressful time at work/had a house move.

In many ways we are very similar - slight social nervousness (although I am much more confident than him right now), prefer our own space, etc, although I'm unsure if he has more of a problem than he realises (re the awkwardness around others).

Do I continue? (I can't quite bring myself to end it with someone who has made me so happy over the past few months, seems to adore me and understand me, and who I've had so much fun with)...

Thanks for reading!!

Right, I'm going to delete all of his texts and am also borrowing the Lundy Bancroft book from a friend, so heading in the right direction.

I honestly can't decide whether or not it was EA, or just plain weirdness/odd behaviour...

Hope you're doing okay OP x

Thanks Tall.
I borrowed the Lundy Bancroft book from a friend, and having had a quick look through, I'm not sure it was EA after all...
We've been in contact via text and he's asked to meet up - I think I'll go to clear a few things up, but will not be getting back together with him.

He's EARLY days in his behaviour.

And anyway, it doesn't matter if the way he treats you has a label or not, the things he has done AREN'T nice.

Your instincts ARE pinging, so you DO need to listen.

If you aren't going to get back with him, seriously, you don't need to waste your time meeting him.

Too much effort for absolutely zero benefit.

Hissy, nothing has been arranged yet, but I do feel like things were left unsaid re the reasons for splitting up. I don't why, but I feel a certain responsibility towards explaining exactly why I've made my decision.
It just seems so weird, the prospect of NOT seeing him again at all, after the intense and fun time we've had...
Can't help feeling that I'm being in some way dramatic about everything, as everything was ok before that visit (I know what I've written in the OP and subsequently sounds bad and I should have been more worried about the 'little' things).
Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place, not even sure what I'm trying to say now!!

But ultimately, what is the point of meeting.

I worry that he'll turn on the charm, and convince you to take him back.

I worry that with his vagina comments he is deeply contemptuous of women, and has no respect.

The fact is that if he does try to win you over, it'll be 10 time harder to extract yourself again.

He doesn't fit with your life/family. He's rude and dismissive to them, he's up to his neck in problems, has no real history, and it'll only get worse.

If you accept the fact that you have the right to end it, for any reason, at any time, and that neither one owes the other anything at all, then you can appreciate that there will be things left unsaid, but that's ok.

I worry that he's not respecting your thinking, he's not taking no for an answer, that's not good news at all!

"I don't why, but I feel a certain responsibility towards explaining exactly why I've made my decision"

Because of your self-esteem problems? You don't owe him an explanation, and even if you did, you have explained it to him several times already. He is not 'getting it' because he doesn't want to and won't. No matter what you say, (unless it's yes let's get back together and/or have one last shag), it's not going to satisfy him. He's not interested in your reasons, he's interested in trying to change your mind.

I wish you lots of luck for the future, I hope you find someone lovely who is a good match for you and raise your standards, you are a lovely woman.

Don't make me whistle up SolidGoldBrass!

You may have thought things were OK before you took him to see your family, but your list of his many worrying behaviours makes it clear that, actually, things weren't OK at all. You just hadn't clocked the problem yet.

Good luck with staying strong.

Oh I could have written this a few times sadly took me so long to get it.

That it's not ok for a man to abuse you just a little bit, sometimes ,as long as he is nice the rest of the time. It's not ok for him to make you feel bad and blame it on you.
You can argue ,disagree with people but if he makes you feel your not quiet good enough. RUN.
You do deserve better ,all the time.

Like Hissy, I'm afraid he'll turn on the charm. He might cry, he might go on about the wonderful connection you had, how could you throw it away? You are in real danger of getting sucked in.

Obviously that's your choice. You're free to ride the merry-go-round a few more times if that's what you want. But the energy you spend on Mr Nearly Good Enough is energy that is not spent on Mr Right - or simply on your own life.

I think it would be an act of greater self-love not to meet him. He's not going to understand, he's not going to get it, and he's not going to give you his blessing to end the relationship. If you're at peace with that, and you know that you can emerge from this meeting without being sucked back in, well and good. But from your posts, you're already wobbling as it is.

Tiger, if you don't normally over dramatise things, you're unlikely to have been doing that. It's more likely that you are now rationalising and minimising, which is normal, but will lead you into trouble.

Remember, the visit to your family was a reality check. And it didn't look good.

EA or not, I can only say that sociopathic types specialise in weird behaviour, to put it simply. Lying is top of the list. And they often have serious financial issues (as will you, if you attach yourself to one).

But they are oh, so charming and intense, and nice, and sweet, while they play their dangerous games. Take care you don't get sucked back in..

He sounds awful and getting away now is definitely the best thing to do. You and your daughter need to come first, not giving this risky guy a chance. The list of faults is extensive and sound like they could ruin your life (no money, drug taking, porn addiction, not wanting to socialise with friends or family, being selfish and awkward....). You are putting yourself down saying you are soul mates, you sound very nice and thoughtful.

Only on page 1 so far still reading but everything oxfordbahs says... Best advice

Hello, thanks again everyone for the kind comments and advice.

We've been in sporadic text contact but nothing arranged to meet.
I'm feeling very strong about it all now, am not wavering, and actually feeling excited about being single! :) Even if we do meet, I'm positive I won't be sucked back in.

No contact. Honestly, he'll entice you back.

Good! But why take the risk? It's normal to want closure, but he's not going to give it to you.

Delurking...
By texting him (at all) you have given the green light to your vulnerability. Meeting up is a manipulation on his part. By responding to that, you are allowing him to set goal posts for you.

The script goes like this and is actually published in a book about getting people to do what you want:
If "you" (or someone) will do this little bit (like a little favor, just being nice-makes a connection), then "you" could not possibly mind doing this little extra bit that is really just the same thing...and then no reasonable person could object to doing this part too (if "you" say no, then be ready for the nasty labels to start, such as you are mean, a bitch, selfish, etc).

But you have come to the point of saying "no". The verbal abuse is a spanking because you are not doing what they want. The goal posts dance around until you finally jump. You are a nice person, and it will seemingly kill you if anyone thinks ill of you, yes? He is banking on this, your politeness and good manners. You do not owe him anything, not even civility at this point.

Please stop caring what he thinks. The whole oration on whatever he accused you to be, directed at you, is just a verbal tantrum. As said before, ignore, ignore, ignore.

No contact. Contact puts you in danger of being manipulated again, contact is a waste of your time, contact is a waste of his time. Tell him to "tell it to the next one" and be done.

Thanks for your comments everyone.
Well, not having been on here for a few days, I agreed to meet him next week (I know, I know). He has texted back hinting about getting up to 'naughty' stuff... Hmm, I guess that tells me all I need to know doesn't it?

AndTheBandPlayed - you've hit the nail on the head, I HATE anyone thinking badly about me, in all aspects of my life - both work and socially - it's something I've always struggled with. I hate being the 'bad' one (but it seems like I am as I've always been the one to end relationships in the past).

Tigerbear

You need to pay close heed to the post written by AndtheBandPlayedOn in particular. You have already been suckered back into this by agreeing to meet him, you are being played by a master manipulator.

You are truly your own worst enemy at times, your innate need not to be seen as the "bad guy" in all this will surely be your undoing as it has been to date. I would recommend counselling for your own self re your self esteem issues, you need to get to the heart of why you have such a need in the first place.

You can and should cancel your agreement to meet him next week. He'll undoubtedly try to make you feel guilty about it, but for your own sake, just do it.

If you need to rationalise it so you can still be "nice", look at it like this - it would be cruel to him to prolong the break-up and give him false hope. Like pulling off a band-aid - best done quickly and all at once.

"He has texted back hinting about getting up to 'naughty' stuff" The cheeky fucking sod!! Please, if you have any self respect, cancel the meeting and then cut him off completely, no contact at all. He is a total wrong'un.

Hi Tigerbear, I'm glad that I could help.
You are not the bad one...a relationship not being right for you does not make you bad. The disappointment someone else feels, does not make you a bad person. The other person's feelings are not your responsibiliy...they choose their own degree of misery (or happiness).

There is a question of sincerity as well. There have been volumes of threads here about men play acting the perfect soulmate role to then turn into nightmare abusive partners. Their previous nice-nice was a manipulation, following a script. Imho, the pouty disappointment your fellow is displaying is the same kind of manipulation because he has found out that you will respond to it, like a grown man throwing the little boy pouty face to get what he wants. I think his leap back to the "naughty" is telling on himself.

Cancel the appointment. No excuses, just say you can't make it, and then erase him. You really do not need to be used like this, and you do not need to explain it to him: he already knows exactly what is going on.

WHY are you meeting him? Why, why, why?!

I echo exactly what everyone is saying - BIG FAT BAD IDEA

Nooooooooooooooo!