Please help me make a decision - would you continue relationship with someone your family didn't like? Possible depression/EA issues too...

[tigerbear]

Ok, I'll try to keep this as brief as possible - but this will still be long - sorry!
In a nutshell:

• I split up with my husband just over a year ago due to many issues - mainly him being dismissive of my/others opinions, arrogant in many ways, didn't make an effort with my family etc. We aren't divorced yet, but I recently moved out and bought a new place. We have a toddler together.
• I met someone new (online) and have been seeing him 8 months.

All has been very intense and we have both been very happy together - in many ways he is the opposite to my ex - is good with my daughter, very kind, sensitive and caring, very complimentary on how I look/what I wear and how I'm the most amazing person ever, etc, we seem to have a real connection and as cliched as it seems, we've both thought that we're soul mates (I KNOW how stupid that sounds!)

The problem: I went on holiday to visit my family (with my daughter) for 2 weeks and he came to visit for 2 days towards the end of this.
He's met my Mum and her partner once before, same with my Dad.
The 2 days were very awkward - he was introverted, defensive when asked any 'normal' questions like 'tell me about your job' etc, came across as not wanting to do everyday things (like play on the beach with my toddler as he 'doesn't like beaches' - he did do it, but expressed dismay initially), was scared/stressed by normal things (like choosing what he wanted for lunch when out with my parents).
The visit culminated in an awful journey back home with him and my mum and her partner, when he was IMO quite rude to my mum's partner.
I expressed how upset I was to my Mum afterwards and she (and everyone else in the family) feels that he is just like my ex.
We discussed small doubts she has had about him/I've had about the following:

• He is 48 (I'm 36) and has been out of work for quite a while (with a few bits of freelance over the past month or so. He's in severe financial trouble (may lose his flat if he can't pay the mortgage on it and has credit card up to the max as been paying the mortgage on this). My family are concerned about his work ethic/the reality of him still finding work in his chosen field, which is quite specific and has changed a lot over the past few years, to the point where he is being turned down for the majority of roles he goes for
• Is quite negative about lots of things = things he doesn't like, doesn't eat, doesn't do...
• Proposed last month (I said yes) - my Mum worries that he never committed to his long term partner
• Is admittedly a bit set in his ways after being single for a few years (had one long term relationship of over 20 years but never married or had children)
• Prefers his own company to that of others (I've never met any of his friends and when I invited him to meet mine he cancelled as said he was too tired). He has said in the past that he is scared that people will want to take something from him/shaft him as it's happened before. In the time we've known each other he's only met friends maybe 2-3 times and he spent Christmas alone
• Is not family oriented and I am - when he visits his own family he won't stay in their house and always stays in a hotel. He suggested staying in a hotel for one of the 2 nights we saw my family, rather than stay at my Mums place
• He has had a problem with drugs in the past
• Not sure whether to make a thing of this or not, but it did concern me slightly - we were talking once about putting on weight and he said something along the lines of 'don't get big, I don't like them big' Half joking, I asked if he would dump me if I put on a stone or two, and (not sure if he was joking) he said he might have to send me away for a while

This has become really long without me realising it - thanks if you've got this far! My family are all saying he's the same as my ex and I can't see that he's wrong for me, but up until before this visit happened, I WAS very happy with him - I felt a contentment I never felt with my ex, he looked after me and cared for me - cooking nice meals, thoughtful little things - while I've undergone a stressful time at work/had a house move.

In many ways we are very similar - slight social nervousness (although I am much more confident than him right now), prefer our own space, etc, although I'm unsure if he has more of a problem than he realises (re the awkwardness around others).

Do I continue? (I can't quite bring myself to end it with someone who has made me so happy over the past few months, seems to adore me and understand me, and who I've had so much fun with)...

Thanks for reading!!

Also feel awful because i WAS happy the majority of the time we were together - I felt such contentment with him and a real connection - especially because as I've mentioned before, I've had depression/slight social anxiety too, and could empathise with how he was...

Have I just made a massive mistake in not trying to work things through??

I'm really surprised at the level of vitriol aimed at this man by posters on here - he's old, a fuck up etc etc. shit happens and it's not really an unusual occurrence in these times. As for cocklodger, you say yourself he didn't want to move in with you. How can he be described as abusive on what the op said? It's hard if he hasn't got kids to do a while showcase thing in front of the inlaws. Seems on mumsnet it's always LTB and never any middle ground.

Nerf - that's it, not sure if it was full blown EA or not, so I feel awful now.
He does have some massive issues though....

Saying you will go to the doctor with depression & social anxiety issues - is meaningless. There are no quick fixes. The reality of trying to change those issues at 48 - it would be a long haul, he'd have to be totally committed & it might not work. He's been the way he is for almost 50 years...

I've just read this thread this evening & previous posters have everything excellently covered.

He's basically only ok when you're on your own together. As soon as you're with your family & kid he's really not ok at all. He's avoided meeting your friends. Life with him would just be you, him and & kid he doesn't like going to beaches with; isolated from your family/friends because it's all too stressful/ awkward. This is not the guy for you.

I've never heard of anyone having so little confidence at his age - ordering food in a restaurant, intimidated by your mum's partner? To be around that daily would be exhausting.

You've made absolutely the right choice don't doubt yourself. These are not issues you can work through, because they're all his & they're big.

I don't think you've made a massive mistake, your OP reads as bunting of red flags.

I really really think you need to get yourself onto something similar to the freedom program (and quickly before you fall back into old habits).

And whilst it won't feel like it atm you had a close call there....

(Ps they are always 'just about' to got to the GP / access help for the problem but never actually do. This man would have let his social phobias (if he genuinely has them I'm not 100% convinced) socially isolate you and your DD. Is that the kind of relationship you want to model for her.

Treat yourself kindly now, any relationship breakup is hard particularly when you've had the ups after your previous with stbex.

Thanks Twinkle.
But I also feel bad because he wasn't actively horrible to my daughter at all - he'd only met her a few times, but was always sweet with her, played, bought her an amazing Easter egg before he'd even met her, bought me birthday presents I could share with her too (cute little games and toys he knew I would find sweet). I want to emphasise that he wasn't horrid to her...
Have I been unfair/harsh about/ to him??

He said earlier that I'M the fantasist, that I'm holding out for 110% perfection and that I any slight thing is wrong, then I'm off...
My ex said the same thing...

You know what, just because he's not as bad as your ex, doesnt make him good for you. A man can be "generally ok, but not right for me" and it's ok to end the relationship. It doesn't have to be unspeakably bad, just not right.

The doubts are valid, he might turn his life around, but you know what, you are allowed to say you only want to be with men who are already sorted, not a work in progress.

i'm trying to remind myself of the other reasons i also had doubts along the way, so I don't feel so guilty, i.e.:

• Previous addiction to porn (when with his ex)
• Lies about very random things (told me on our first date that he was spending a week helping at a charity delivering food to old folk which I obv thought was very sweet at the time - turns out he was actually working on behalf of a major retailer and getting paid for it)

Also made up a very elaborate story about a scar he had and the way he got it, which he later admitted wasn't true at all but he'd said it to make himself sound more interesting...

• Had an obsession when he was a child with slicing all of his soft toys open with knives (not sure if that's just a random 'boy' thing but I thought it was weird when he told me)

That would all be fine if he was just going to be her uncle, who would turn up periodically with presents. But to live with someone who can't order in restaurants, can't cope with the beach, your family, friends, finances, life...? If he were Proust that would be fine, but he's not father material...

Of course he's going to say things like that, he's hurt & he's nearly 50 & he still hasn't figured life out.

Lies, porn addiction..? It's just keeps getting worse!

Why have you invested 8 months in this man?

Whoever mentioned the freedom programme was wise...

Twinkle - because it all seemed so different from my ex - the compliments, the 'connection', making me feel special and that I was the love of his live, etc

RUN

According to your mum he's just the same...

Compliments are a very good way of manipulating & controlling people, particularly when they're vulnerable.

All the love of his life stuff is just schtick, I don't mean he doesn't genuinely care for you, but he's probably had this patter for years.

Anyone can say your love is star-crossed, it's how he gets on in every day life that's the issue, & he's not very good at it.

tigerbear, you do come across as somebody who really is wearing scars from your earlier bad relationships

it's as if you feel you should be grateful for any man who is slightly less weird than your ex

as if somehow he has got you to believe either that there are no nice normal men out there or if there are that somehow you don't deserve them

neither of those things are true- to believe them you would have to see your ex as somebody whose judgment you trust- and you don't, do you?

Thanks everyone, I'm feeling a lot better than I did about an hour ago!

Twinkle - my Mum thinks he's got 101 more issues than my ex!!

Cory, you know what, my ex actually seems very normal and ok now!
(However a friend of mine works for him and says that everyone has always thought he's a complete idiot - but that's a whole other subject! :)

From your description, tigerbear, it sounds like you were being groomed
Keep away, my dear, and stay safe.

Thanks again everyone, I really do appreciate all of your advice.
Think it will be a while before I start dating again - probably need to take a while to reflect on my own self esteem/confidence issues and get them sorted first.

Well good luck, I'm sure things will work out. You're young, you've got plenty of time to heal & find someone right...

You've done the right thing. Everything he said to you when you ended it shows that he has some serious problems imo. Trying to negotiate about it and make you feel bad/guilty/a bitch, that's not normal. For example "He feels it's unfair how I've just made this decision and that's that, that he doesn't get a say/or given the chance to work things through" - if you don't want a relationship with him, how on earth can he possibly have (or even WANT) a say in it? Does he want to overrule you? Does he think you should compromise by having half a relationship with him? Why does he want to continue a relationship that you don't want to be in? (Because he doesn't mind if you get nothing out of the relationship and doesn't care how you feel - it's all about what he wants and how he feels). The massive red flags all over your OP and even more now, lucky escape! x

So many red flags! So relieved you are out, OP. Do enjoy the freedom, and please get on your nearest Freedom Programme soon.

It seems like he was doing that classic abuser thing of being slightly better than the previous relationship, knowing that you'd be that much more vulnerable as a result - confused because it seemed better but worried because it was so incredibly conditional, as OxfordBags says. Loads of compliments to buoy you up after the end of your previous relationship and voila - you don't know which way is up.

I would spend some time recovering from these two relationships, and working out what you want, and how to have more confidence in your own awesomeness. The red flags were there but because he said nice things, you ignored them. God knows we've all been there, but you need to avoid it happening again.

Agree with Mike - sounds like he was trying to guilt-trip you into continuing the relationship, which is hardly a sound basis for one.

I think it's a great idea to take time out from relationships. Enjoy your time with your dd and your family and friends and yourself, free from turmoil and guilt and head-fucks. You'll be fine.

tigerbear

I am glad to read that this man has now gone from your life. Do not let him back in!.

I would also suggest you join Womens Aid Freedom Programme asap because (and I do not mean this at all unkindly) you're a prime target for such low lifes currently and they smell such vulnerability right off the bat. You were exploited by this person and sadly allowed yourself to be so. Work on rebuilding your own self esteem and worth through the above.

Teach your DD positive lessons about relationships, that will be one of the greatest gifts as well you can give her.

Love your own self for a change; neither this man nor your ex were right for you for good reasons.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

If you waiver read the great counsel on this thread again. (waves to both Hissy and OxfordBags).

Thanks again for your comments everyone - I spent last night and this morning wavering between feeling awful about it (reading his texts over the time we've been together, and have been so sad because we both told eachother we adored eachother, totally in love, etc).
And then reading all of the comments on here and feeling that it was perhaps the best decision to end it...
Still so confused and sad - despite the 'red flags'/negative stuff, perhaps he is just on a bit of a downer/depressed and needs a break - have I reinforced his idea that there aren't many nice people about, and that most people just want to take, tell you nice things (ie that up until last week I'd said I loved him), then go back on it??