Please help me make a decision - would you continue relationship with someone your family didn't like? Possible depression/EA issues too...

[tigerbear]

Ok, I'll try to keep this as brief as possible - but this will still be long - sorry!
In a nutshell:

• I split up with my husband just over a year ago due to many issues - mainly him being dismissive of my/others opinions, arrogant in many ways, didn't make an effort with my family etc. We aren't divorced yet, but I recently moved out and bought a new place. We have a toddler together.
• I met someone new (online) and have been seeing him 8 months.

All has been very intense and we have both been very happy together - in many ways he is the opposite to my ex - is good with my daughter, very kind, sensitive and caring, very complimentary on how I look/what I wear and how I'm the most amazing person ever, etc, we seem to have a real connection and as cliched as it seems, we've both thought that we're soul mates (I KNOW how stupid that sounds!)

The problem: I went on holiday to visit my family (with my daughter) for 2 weeks and he came to visit for 2 days towards the end of this.
He's met my Mum and her partner once before, same with my Dad.
The 2 days were very awkward - he was introverted, defensive when asked any 'normal' questions like 'tell me about your job' etc, came across as not wanting to do everyday things (like play on the beach with my toddler as he 'doesn't like beaches' - he did do it, but expressed dismay initially), was scared/stressed by normal things (like choosing what he wanted for lunch when out with my parents).
The visit culminated in an awful journey back home with him and my mum and her partner, when he was IMO quite rude to my mum's partner.
I expressed how upset I was to my Mum afterwards and she (and everyone else in the family) feels that he is just like my ex.
We discussed small doubts she has had about him/I've had about the following:

• He is 48 (I'm 36) and has been out of work for quite a while (with a few bits of freelance over the past month or so. He's in severe financial trouble (may lose his flat if he can't pay the mortgage on it and has credit card up to the max as been paying the mortgage on this). My family are concerned about his work ethic/the reality of him still finding work in his chosen field, which is quite specific and has changed a lot over the past few years, to the point where he is being turned down for the majority of roles he goes for
• Is quite negative about lots of things = things he doesn't like, doesn't eat, doesn't do...
• Proposed last month (I said yes) - my Mum worries that he never committed to his long term partner
• Is admittedly a bit set in his ways after being single for a few years (had one long term relationship of over 20 years but never married or had children)
• Prefers his own company to that of others (I've never met any of his friends and when I invited him to meet mine he cancelled as said he was too tired). He has said in the past that he is scared that people will want to take something from him/shaft him as it's happened before. In the time we've known each other he's only met friends maybe 2-3 times and he spent Christmas alone
• Is not family oriented and I am - when he visits his own family he won't stay in their house and always stays in a hotel. He suggested staying in a hotel for one of the 2 nights we saw my family, rather than stay at my Mums place
• He has had a problem with drugs in the past
• Not sure whether to make a thing of this or not, but it did concern me slightly - we were talking once about putting on weight and he said something along the lines of 'don't get big, I don't like them big' Half joking, I asked if he would dump me if I put on a stone or two, and (not sure if he was joking) he said he might have to send me away for a while

This has become really long without me realising it - thanks if you've got this far! My family are all saying he's the same as my ex and I can't see that he's wrong for me, but up until before this visit happened, I WAS very happy with him - I felt a contentment I never felt with my ex, he looked after me and cared for me - cooking nice meals, thoughtful little things - while I've undergone a stressful time at work/had a house move.

In many ways we are very similar - slight social nervousness (although I am much more confident than him right now), prefer our own space, etc, although I'm unsure if he has more of a problem than he realises (re the awkwardness around others).

Do I continue? (I can't quite bring myself to end it with someone who has made me so happy over the past few months, seems to adore me and understand me, and who I've had so much fun with)...

Thanks for reading!!

"Still so confused and sad - despite the 'red flags'/negative stuff, perhaps he is just on a bit of a downer/depressed and needs a break - have I reinforced his idea that there aren't many nice people about, and that most people just want to take, tell you nice things (ie that up until last week I'd said I loved him), then go back on it??"

Yet another reason why the Freedom Programme is a must for you.

No, no and thrice NO - he is not on a downer/depressed and even if he was which he is not, it is not your job to rescue and or fix him. He is just horrible, most nice people have given him a wide berth. He's got to the age he is and single for bloody good reason.

You did not also reinforce his idea that there are not many people about, where did you get that idea from?. He did a real number on you and groomed you. HE just wanted to take, tell you nice things then go back on it.

Take what you have learnt about relationships to date and completely reassess your whole approach to relationships. The last thing I want for you is to end up with yet another abusive man.

I've been depressed (survived suicide) and stressed.

Never has that meant that I allowed myself to treat others like shit.

This man isn't good enough. Given his lack of history, i'd say that's proof it's not you.

Your Ex was a bad lot too, so tbh, it's not that no man is good enough, it's that HE and crappy man like him are not good enough.

You have missed out on so much love, happiness and genuine care, you DO deserve that, as we all do. Don't settle for anything less.

I'm happy to be on my own for a bit rather than settle for other people's rejects!

I don't know where that leaves me in terms of future partners, but a crap man is so detrimental to our self esteem.

Okay, would it help to look at it another way?

Over the years, loads of people have got to know him, and been unable to help with his problems. What makes you so special, that you can "save" him, where everyone else has failed?

I'm not suggesting this is a healthy way to think about the situation - but it might just resonate with you, while you are feeling down. Then you can concentrate on building up your self-esteem, once you are away from this horrid manipulative man.

Atilla says it more eloquently, i'm supposed to be working and NOT MNing on phone... :D

You are all so right - i will continue to read this back if I start to waver...
Thank you!

And I will also remember that last night when I told him it was over, he indicated that it's my family/me who also have the problem (not just him) and thinks they've judged him and turned me against him - and said that it's well known that people from where I'm from are all c*nts and stick together like a clan! Nice!

I can understand how you feel - but you are so wise to have finished the relationship. I completely understand why you have got to this stage - and how much you want it to be something lovely - but it isn't and won't be judging from all the things you have said.

You have done the right thing. I understand about feeling that you are abandoning him, too - I've had something similar - but it is not your job to fix things for him. I hope that you will, like me, eventually meet someone who puts you first, cares for you, gets on with your friends and family - and where the people who care about you give a sigh of relief that you have finally met a good'un .

In the light of that, it's worth remembering that a consistent tactic of abusive men is to isolate you from your family. It's very common to make things uncomfortable around their "victim's" family and friends, so sooner or later she ends up - perhaps unconsciously - staying away from them because it always goes wrong. Then he has her isolated and bingo! can does what he likes because she suddenly doesn't have a reality check anymore.

My advice FWIW Don't marry him! When it all goes wrong he will have a claim on your house and potentially a spousal maintenance claim
Keep seeing him if you can't bear to split but don't live with him.
God forbid if u do marry get a pre nuptial agreement
Good luck

Yes of course tigerbear, cou you couldn't possibly have made a decision without your family poisoning your mind..

They merely focussed your thoughts, given his bizarre, rude and uncaring behaviour.

He tried to pit you against your family here, and misjudged it.

Nasty man.

Verlaine - I really do sad for him and that I am abandoning him - how do you get over that guilt feeling??

Bibliomania - He had some choice comments to say about my Mum's partner, and said that this guy is the problem, that he made him 'want to call curl up and die' (his words) by being so full on (this person is the opposite from EX DP - very positive, talkative, questioning, etc - but wasn't horrible to him in any way). I then began to question if mum's partner IS the problem, so I guess you're right when you say people like this try to make out it's everyone else against them...

Lyme - there will def be no wedding now!!

Hissy - my family have said they wouldn't have voiced their real opinion of him - that he was rude etc - if I hadn't first said I was so upset by how the visit went (as they thought I was so happy with him). So you're right, the real concern came from me alone, then once I'd told my family about all of the odd stuff, they were quite horrified!!

Hesterton - that's just it, even if I was depressed (which I have been in the past), I would never be rude or dismissive towards his family. He was so rude when answering normal questions about his job (my brother asked what a project involved in his line of work and he answered by saying 'what is this - a job interview??')

I don't think there's an easy answer to that, but it might help (might not!) to think that it would be arrogant to assume that you are the only one or the right one to help him. The right person to help him is one who happens to have family and friends he can get on with - then he can learn to be sociable.

He does sound a little bit (understatement) prattish - and in the long-run I honestly think that this realisation is what will help you get over it all. Eventually you may think "how could I have been so blind?" - that's what happened to me. I'm not saying that you will think that straight away and I understand that you are likely to feel miserable right now. However, all of these things that you are now uncovering will eventually be enough to make you think "lucky escape". I had one relationship (where I did think I was in love) where the "lucky escape" feeling came really quickly! For a couple of others, it took a while.

I'm now with someone so very lovely, it makes me wonder how I could possibly have chased after the previous relationships and tried to make them fit what I wanted them to be - when they so obviously were NOT what I wanted them to be. I kept thinking it was my fault - but it wasn't - we just weren't a good match.

He needs to find someone who is the right match for him (if he can) - you are not it, so you are doing him a favour by finishing it now.

Verlaine, your post makes a lot of sense, thanks.

I think some of his odd ways would have driven me mad over the years (e.g. not having any glasses in his apartment as he said he couldn't afford them - he always used plastic glasses - yet spent over £1000 on clothes in the sales a few months ago!!)

Oh gosh, I've just thought of something else he said a few times (just the once would be bad enough) - can't believe I'm writing this but it's to remind me that comments like this aren't normal (are they??).

A few times after, ahem, foreply, he's said 'I've just had my finger in your vagina and now I've touched my eye - I'm probably going to get an eye infection now"
Cringe!!!!

The only one that could help him NOT be such an arse, is HIM.

You and your family are completely different people to him, therefore completely unprepared to deal with him.

He wanted the family do thing to go badly so you didn't ask him again, then he'd start criticising them and wearing away at your image of them.

It's textbook twat. They all do it.

The way that you stop feeling guilty is to look at what he's done/said in total truth, and allow yourself to feel anger, disappointment and sadness at him having not been the person you wished he was.

Hissy, I know what you're saying makes sense, but sparked by another thread on here, I've been reminded of all of the lovely things he did too:

• Made amazing dinners/lunches for me while I just relaxed
• Collected all of the supplements from the weekend papers for me every week as he knew I liked them
• Recorded all of my favourite programmes for me to watch at his place, as he knew I'd been going through a tiring and stressful time
• Organised little surprises like meeting me for the commute from work with 'picnic' treats such as wine, berries, cakes, etc - regularly
• Made my birthday, Valentine's etc really special
• Was very sweet with my DD on the occasions he met her
• Texted me loads every day (we both did) to say he was thinking about me, loved me, etc
• Constantly told me how amazing, beautiful, wonderful I was and how he was proud to be with me and know me...

I can't help thinking that I've painted a horribly unfair picture of him...
(although what I've written throughout the thread is true and factual)

Mine did all that and more.

Abusers have to sweeten the pill.

You end up wasting (and possibly losing) a life trying to get the man you met back.

Heads up: that man is a ghost, the real one is the one that doesn't give a shit what all your friends and family think of him.

A real man would be nice to your family. AND nice to you.

He's in it for his own reasons, nothing to do with you at all!

When they text loads every day, sometimes that's NOT a good sign! :D

Hissy - may I ask what made you realise why your ex wasn't right?

I'm really struggling with the outcome of all this, as up until last week I was happier than I've ever been - how can I have changed my mind so suddenly - it makes me question myself. If that wasn't real - what I though his and my feelings towards each other were - then I'm worried at my own judgement of situations/feelings (if that makes any sense??)

Don't worry about your judgement - it takes time to get to know someone. People can be very plausible.

You've found out more about him and are processing the new information.

I think you are best off without him, definitely. There is something artificial about the first few months of a relationship in that it exists in a bubble to some extent. Your relationship encountered some outside reality (time with your family) and he has shown another side to his character.

The financial stuff is a red flag, too.

Thanks Lemon - I'm really trying hard not to text or email him to ask if he's ok. He probably thinks I'm a heartless bitch now, and that's sad - but I do feel awful because I'd told him I'd always be there for him, love him, believe in him and support him (and he said the same to me).

I wish last week hadn't happened and we'd probably be together now...

Well I'm bloody glad it did or you'd be wasting more time on a loser.