Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships : thread 25

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you?re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

flora hard though this is, if he is seeing someone else she is not the ow. he is your ex.
It is horrible to find out they can move on so easily but it just shows hospital shallow they are.

If you confront him he will just be smug bout it thinking you cannot live without him and also say that you are crazy. If he was seeing the ow before you split he will not admit it anyway.

In short, you will get no satisfaction.

How shallow...not hospital.

Your emotions will be in turmoil you just have to let them settle. try writing several letters to get your feelings out and then leave them. i feel much better if i imagine all the things i could saying all the cunning retorts and then i don't say them because inside i know he will not hear me.

Let it out but don't let him see it.

Thanks.I think im being paranoid, worrying about all situations. He just called 10 mins ago about picking up the dog. I just need to stop overthinking. He is not my problem any more. Thanks Mink. I just think Im being strong and getting on with working on my confidence and then he contacts me!

Good idea about the letters. Thanks.

mink yes I did look at colins posts a while back, maybe it's time to revisit them again. I'm getting the feeling my ex and yours are the same people, from what you,ve written they sound almost identical. Reading your post has strangely made me feel better

flora I really feel for you. I have been worrying about the exact same thing, that he has someone else. It's odd really because I don't think I want to be with him but I don't want him with anyone else because I'm still attracted to him even if we can't work as a couple. Is that how you feel? When I start worrying about ow I find it helps to think of the way he treated me and to remind myself if he does have anyone else he won't get a personality transplant and WILL treat her he same way.
Whereas we will go on to have a normal, loving , close and supportive relationship with somebody eventually. They will always abuse

Hey Flora and Jackie - hope you are both doing ok. Baby steps for a Friday night.

Hi pony feeling a bit better thanks. I think we could all do with some this evening cheers! (Hic)

Jackie they all seem eerily similar, don't they!

I am struggling a lot ATM - have been reading thread but too mentally washed out to catch up in words. But love and strength to all. Xxx

((Hugs)) to you breathe hope your ok x

Thanks Jackie. I'm struggling but fighting through fog and about to be in a better place I hope! I hope you're feeling on road to recovery. Xx

Am feeling better tonight than last night. Have just emailed to find out about the freedom program in my area I think it might help. Have to work this weekend so must try to sleep now. Hope you have a good nights rest xx

Hi Jackie. Hugs to you and Breathe too cccc. Pony, yup baby steps. Well I did a bit of digging and it looks like he was at shops but at the bookies! Not sure if I mentioned before about his betting for a 'get rich quick' option. After he told me he had stopped!
Just had a friend round who verbalised the whole sorry story of him leaving, and it was amazing to actually hear it all said out loud. Made me realise how selfish he is at not putting his family first.
Hope u all have something nice planned for the weekend.

Jackie, yes I do feel the same. Its all part of the feeling of rejection. Our self esteem is at an all time low. Whilst we may now be thinking we don't need this fw in our lives, we don't want him finding happiness with someone else! He doesn't deserve it!
I am trying (and it is hard) to say each night before bed and each morning I get up that "I am a beautiful, intelligent,caring woman who is a fabulous mother". If I keep telling myself this I might begin to believe it. Try it, Jackie. Nite nite x x

Morning everyone. Hope you've all managed to get a good nights rest
I woke up this morning suddenly remembering another couple of FW things he did ( am going to write all these down)

Gas lighting me, he probably did this more than I realize but this stands out. He said I had given him control of the sky tv meaning he could upgrade package when I questioned how I had certain channels. He knew my password but I never said he could change anything. Ffs he didn't live here full time OR pay it!

He booked a show at the theatre ( birthday treat) and on the way I said the certain city was a bit grim and I was definately more of a country girl. No harm meant just a statement . He said " it shows your posh and think your better" so an argument started. The usual statement from him wasn't long coming " that's it I've tried and I've had enough of your shit" I was pretty gobsmacked as to where all that came from. He said I could go on my own to watch the show. Anyway he parked the car and I didn't have a clue what to do so I didn't want to get out of the car till it was sorted. He came round to my side of the car opened the door and demanded I get out, really belittling me in front of passers by. I had to get out to shut him up. I walked off alone trying not to cry, he came after me causing a scene in the city centre. Tried to say lets go to the show and call it a day afterwards. I felt really shaken up and humiliated and tried to get away from him so he took out what I thought were the tickets and ripped them in in my face. He knew I'd really looked forward to this show. Soon after he started the I don't want to lose you ect and because I was grande in a strange place far away from home we sort of made up. Until I told him he needed help and he went quite nasty again. We sat in a bar he refused to eat and just froze me out. We must have looked very odd sitting there on that beautiful day with all these happy people around. I went to the loo and cried

Soon after he swung into mr extra loving mode and couldn't do enough for me. If I wasn't so worn down and shaken up by what he did I wouldn't have had him back but I felt stuck and I was at the time somewhere I didn't know. All that on the back of a harmless comment about preferring the country. Oh and I think part of it was punishment for a comment the previous day about him being up visiting the kids and ( ex wife) there when I said I hadn't heard much from him that day. All harmlessly. God that's long sorry

Jackie, that is horrible. Good idea to get on the FP, girl! One for the shitlist, that, I think... What a birthday treat.

And notice the hoovering afterwards. And you're most likely right that it was punishment for an "unreasonable" comment of yours. See, you have a FW in your life just the same as the rest of us, despite what you were thinking the other day. That story could have been straight out of the Lundy Bancroft book.

Flora I know, it really doesn't seem fair does it, that they get to move on unencumbered into a new life, while we are left struggling with the abuse we have experienced. In a fair and just world, they'd all break out in boils or something! But the thing is you could tie yourself in knots forever over it not being fair. Focus on the fact that you have escaped, and can build a new life for yourself. He will always be himself. He will always be a FW. And in the end, FWs are never actually happy. They are perpetually miserable, looking for someone or something to make them feel better without being able to take responsibility for their own happiness.

Jackie remembering and recording is good, it's all part of the process. That's a terrible scenario, your 'treat' day ruined by him. Just awful. Poor you. And you must have been confused as to what on earth you had done to warrant all this. Like you say, you were worn down by it, it must have been exhausting. I have had birthday treats ruined too - it's almost as if they can't bear for the focus not to be on them, even just for a day. It's just cruel and nasty. And like you say, possibly he saw it as 'justifiable' payback for some perceived slight.
Keep remembering stuff like this. It's cathartic and part of the healing.

Jackie that is definitely certified fw behaviour! And yy to the being too confused to walk away. Also the humiliation they like to heap on. Just a little thing my fw used to do- I would mutter something privately to him whilst out shopping about eg does this dress look ok or I need the loo. He would loudly keep repeating 'what? I can't hear you if you mutter like that' and not let it go if I said 'later' or 'nothing'. He would even stop and almost shout, WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU IT CAN'T BE NOTHING, tell me! So I would finally say I need a wee or whatever and he would repeat it loudly in a why didn't you say so kind of way. That was when I was younger- I stopped shopping with him years ago but we used to live in the city and a short stroll from high street so that used to be normal weekend thing- stroll up to high street. Turned into bullying opportunity.

We are leaving tonight. Fw still doing stuff in front of kids like demanding kiss or even subtly rubbing his crotch against my bottom as he walks past me yukkkkkk. Once back in UK he will be told the end game.

Oh, so relieved for you Breathe that you are coming to the end of this endurance test holiday.

Hello there, just wanted to pop in and say that I hope the FWs behave and you have a peaceful bank hol.

It is four months since ex and I broke up. I am happy and my life is very full. I'm going through a bit of a 'was it really abuse though?' Phase and thinking I could have handled him better and we maybe could have been okay so I need to read my old posts I think. My mental and Emotional wellbeing are much better though, which is telling.

Like some of you, I'm annoyed that he is just getting on in life while I'm dealing with his legacy, but that's a parasite for you. I'm not letting that get to me though.

breathe at the crotch rubbing

Another one popping in, sending a cheery wave and extra Bank Holiday strength. Been incommunicado with the Irishman in the land of his fathers :)

Colin, good to know that a few months down the line it gets better. I am back to the "maybe I wasnt completely inbocent" in the breakup. I can be argumentative and I am OCD.
I read an article today about Paul McKenna's book "How to mend a broken heart" and some of the visualisation techniques have worked for me. I think I might buy it.

I don't know if inspiring is the word, i haven't done anything commendable. I'm not entirely detached in my heart but in my head, I know I'm as I belong. I was put on this planet for greater things than being FWs doormat and fuck piece. As I type this, I'm remembering an incident 5 years ago we were drunk and messing around and he wrote on my leg '[name's] fuckpiece'. It was right at the start and I thought it was funny because I took it as irony and a joke. Now I see that it was how he saw me.

I have been questioning the maybe I wasn't innocent thing, but all his relationships in life even with his parents have had this fucked up argumentative dynamic. Mine haven't. I avoid confrontation as much as possible. I haven't raised my voice at all since FW left.

Flora I sought a lot of solace in music and writing. Florence & the Machine's first album in particular really helped me find some strength. I listen to it now when I'm feeling wistful. The line 'leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive' always hits me. I know he wanted to break me and I have to remind myself that we therefore weren't compatible. Read some self helpy books too -one called Psychopath Free (don't be put off by the title, it totally applies) and some by Lisa E Scott.