Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

[cazakstan]

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

so still just 'hope' as a strategy then?

there are many things you could do to break this cycle. 'hope' isn't going to cut it though i'm afraid.

Ok...so what else can I do. I have sent my daughter a message via her Facebook to say that I love her, that I'm sorry for any hurt which I may have caused, that I,m here for her.
I have not once lost my temper, raised my voice or said anything hurtful...not this time...I used to fight back in anger.
All I want to know really is why did my daughter feel that she had to leave in the way she did. I had thought that things were ok..although I knew that my eldest had something going on I just think I ignored looking for a cause to her behaviour and comments. Not wanting to rock the boat.

Honestly? I think you have to start with an assumption that what you want/need to know, needs to be low on the agenda at the moment. Not because your needs are not important - because they are = but because your strategy needs to be about getting communication going with your daughter again .....and that is unlikely to happen if the conversation involves anything along the lines of "I need to know why YOU did this to ME".
Conversations like that are not going to work.
Not in this situation.

There will be a lot of time, I would hope, for your questions to be answered, as you get the relationship on to a level stable basis. For now, you need to start with three key points

1. you are dealing with another adult, not a child (even though she is your child)
2. Just as you have a right to feeling as you do - so does she. How someone feels is never wrong - because it is their feeling.
3. The word "I" shouldn't come into the conversation at all.

It is really not right for other people to try and script a conversation for you. Its all too personal. and you do need to be "you". FWIW, in your shoes, I would be emailing to say that you love her, that you know there has been a lot of hurt and mis-communication, that the one thing you are truly concerned with is that she knows you love her, and that you hold your hand up to not listening when she asked you to talk with her on an adult to adult basis. I would then say that I would be prepared to meet with her any time any place, to do exactly as she asked by talking as adult to adult, just the two of you, with no recriminations about what has happened.
And in my own head I would be resolving to mention your own mother as little as possible ,,,and ideally not at all in the conversation ...when it happens.
Because this needs to be the two of you changing your history by moving forward in a better way .....and at this early sttage, you won't do that by arguing over whether your nother is a good thing for her or not.

I am sure others will have more input for you, OP.
This is just my spin.

I think you need to be prepared for knock backs. She is bound to be wary. So far, you have both failed to communicate and then you approach her promising to listen. It might take some time for her to trust that it will not descend into a row.

I know from my own situation, that if my mother messaged me saying she loved me and she wanted to sort out the issues, I would probably think she had lost her mind.

You might get together and she does not act as calm as you, she may say nasty things to push you, to test how committed you are to changing things, to see how long it will take until you are telling her to STFU. If you rise to her, if you react the same way as in the past, you will get nowhere.

I am glad that you seem to be committed to fixing things. Good luck.

Popped back, because I realised I should have added a number 4 ....Be absolutely honest. That means being honest with yourself, as well as your DD. That can be hard, because we all tend to find excuses for the way we have behaved.....its normal....but this really is the one time when you need to pause before answering something, and then give the real reasons.

Having come back ... I read wannabe's post, and would echo everything said there.
This is about you being the one to break the cycle. You being the engine for change. Your DD is going to take some long while to accept the change, to believe it is real, and to learn a different way to relate to you. That will not be easy, and you will need to be strong and committed to a new way of relating.
But it will surely be worth it, OP. This is your family, and the rest of your lives together.

I really hope this is the beginning of a new chapter for you and your daughter OP.

I had a dreadful relationship with my mother but she came through for me when I was pregnant and has been a great support since my daughter was born. It has made me feel like I can trust her and rely on her as a mother. I care for her now in a way I wouldn't have thought possible some years ago.

It has taken years of both of us putting in the effort and forgiving each other after big arguments, where we could have easily reverted to old behaviours, before getting to this point. But its been so worth it. We still argue sometimes but we now find it easier to calm down and see each others point of view.

I imagine it may be the same for you and your daughter. Please don't feel defeated if it sometimes feels never ending. To me it sounds like your daughter is crying out to you to take the first step, which you seem to be doing.

Glad you are back on here wannabe.

Something has been puzzling me all along. You say that she says she has not finished her masters yet. I am surprised by that. I didnt know that masters were finished at this time of year. They may be. Are you sure that your daughter is telling the truth?

If she is however, then she is likely to be very stressed at this time. I would have thought that she would need ideally to be very focused on that for now.

they are usually 2 year courses caster and she'll have plenty of work to be doing over the summer.

Op, if you really wanted to communicate with her how about actually going to see her in person, face to face!! Goodness its hardly rocket science is it!!

Education is obviously very important to your daughter and in a lot of your posts you still belittle and undermine her achievments because you think she wouldnt have got anywhere without you and YOU want the recognition and kudos for it. That sounds like petty jealousy. Most parents go out of their way to do their very best for their kids yet they do not seek the praise of others for doing it, it is our job as parents.

As for telling her to 'shuck the fuck up' you should be disgusted with yourself for saying that to your daughter and as someone else posted earlier an apology for that is overdue.

Your daughter asked you to talk to her like an adult, your response was to put the phone down, you obviously do not see her as an adult or an equal and that must be hugely painful for her.

You also state very clearly that you do not like HER, that is probably very apparant to her and one day she will stop even bother trying to keep in contact with you, I know I would.

Personally if my own mother constantly undermined me, dismissed my achievments, told me to stfu and put the phone down on me I wouldnt like her much either.

The masters I know of have all been 1 year courses, and finish at beginning of June. Unless a student has got behind for things such as illness or personal tragedy or suchlike.

Would a two year masters still finish at end of May/beginning of June though? The op says her DD is finishing one.

ruddy, have you read the entire thread. All your points have already been discussed to bring us to the place we are currently.

a taught masters is generally 2 years in my experience - same as mphils. you may be thinking of professional post grad courses like pgce's?

tbf caster none of them have really been acknowledged by the op though have they?

caster, yep was reading the entire thread up until 1am this morning and had to go to bed before posting thanks. So what if I have reiterated some points, the op is just still 'hoping' it will all work out.
Sorry if my post and opinions are not welcome or invalid, I will leave you to it, do be sure to let me know which topics I can post on in future.

We protect our DCs from horrible things in the family's past but surely at 26 she is at an age where some of this stuff should be aired.

As was mentioned previously joint counselling could be the way to go and you, OP, can introduce some of the awful things that happened during your childhood.

I can't really see you forming close bonds when there is all this secret backstory - which would explain why you behaved the way you did on many occasions.

Does DP or DD2 know your past? Because that will effect how they respond to your behaviour, with more sympathy and understanding than it might normally merit.

This has been a horrifying thread - a car crash, as somebody said.

And this is precisely why I don't post about the hideous problems I have had with my daughter. Because, of course, it's all. my. fault. Apparently

Of course it is - mothers, represented so forcefully on this thread - like to think that their children are a direct representation of their parenting . Absurd, arrogant, misguided - I'd laugh if it weren't so tragic. During the horrific times with my daughter, mothers like this crawled out of the woodwork, endless numbers of them - not in support but in 'I'll do this Properly. You have obviously failed, the poor lamb with a Bad MOther like you. You are a Crap Parent. The poor thing is obviously disturbed by you and is it any wonder? You bleet endlessly about yourself' (when in fact you are in so much pain you are looking for support and will, therefore, be talking about how you're feeling).

Poor, poor you OP. I battled through pages 1, then 2, then 3, then 4, then 5... adn on it went 'You are a crap parent. YOu are selfish. Your poor daughter with a mother like you: selfish, partisan (preferring the other daughter). You think you're wonderful eh! You're daughter PROVES you're not' and on and on. As if she in an innocent, not a bad bone in her body. Projection, I think.

I feel so sorry for you to have been eaten alive like this on here. I found it unbearable to read (obviously because I'm a Crap Parent and a Bad Mother and I won't face my faults!). Really, I think the majority on here don't know what they're talking about. They may know what they're talking about with their own mothers, but they have NO IDEA what it is like to have a daughter who is hellbent on destroying you. Think domestic abuse. But it's your own child. The pain of it is unbearable. (So bowing to her demands is not going to work [how do I know that], just as it wouldn't work to bow to the demands of a partner who is abusing you half to death.)

I may be posting prematurely because I couldn't weather the last few pages - apologies if things have improved. I am shocked at the vitriol aimed at mothers who are broken-hearted, have tried every possible thing on the planet and then some; but are still castigated, insistent that the Blame should be hung squarely on our peg. After all, they're not going to have daughters like this - because they are Good Parents. Deluded imo (I hope they don't find out the hard way, as we have).

Wishing you strength, OP.

By the time I was twenty six I had lost all connection with my mother. I think my mother did her best, but I don't think she realised the damage she did.

I would suggest that you abandon any hope of a mother/daughter relationship and instead start off as 'acquaintances' perhaps having a coffee in a neutral place and only talking about non controversial things. You may be able to reconnect from there. I made the best of things as a remote friendship and it was okay, I did my duty until my mother passed. She believed we were really close until the end, so not quite the same situation as you, but just a small contact which builds very, very slowly over time may result in a great relationship after a while.

Good luck.

Things have calmed down springey. And credit to the ones who have now felt able to return or to carry on replying.
And sorry springey for the problems in your family.

When the op wrote her post, she had just had a big row with her daughter and angry things appear to have been said all round.

Like justin said this is a family with a lot of backhistory, much of it still unsaid. I still think writing a letter, or yes, an email, with calm, thought out detail is part of the way to go with all of this. I dont know if the op has had time to think about that.

I struggle with the "do not like" part here.
I think the op means it generally, not just in the heat of the argument.
I have been trying to think about whether, if relations had got very bad with my own kids, whether I would still "like" them. [I would still love them]. And I am not sure. I dont think I could say one way or the other unless it happened to me.
My guess, fwiw, is may be I wouldnt for a time. I dont think it would last too long. Hope not, and hope I am never in the position to have to find out.

That may be a very good idea LisaMed. Never heard of that idea before. That could work in this case. It would need the daughter to agree too. I think she probably would agree. At the back of my mind on all of this, I see the daughter living at home when she thinks she has to. But there are plenty of people in her situation who would do anything, before living back at home in these circumstances. They slepp on friends floors, anything.
So I do see that as a small good sign.

Thinking about it, I would nt send a letter now. The timing is not right. Composing it would be ok, but not actually sending it. The daughter is finishing exans. And is staying with her mum who could be saying all sorts[will have to look back further in the thread to remind myself what the current situation is, as regards the boyfriend]. Has your daughter got a job lined up, op?

Dear God, I've bunched up my courage and read the pages I couldn't face.

OP! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Get off this thread

You seem to have some self-styled therapists 'analysing' you - to fit in with their own mother-hate.

don't justify yourself my dear. Get off this thread is my very strong advice.

Wow! She sounds very successful. Have you told her you are proud of her? I'm no expert but the things you mentioned sound like the words of a hurt child - she lashes out at your youngest because she is jealous. Poor kid

My eldest is 16. No way on God's earth would I let him leave and not want to get him back asap. If he wanted to go, planned it with my help ,was still in contact with me, OK, but if he went off in a huff I'd be desperate to see him.

Having said all that my best friend's step daughter is 16 and things are really rough between them. I can see both sides.

Oh dear Ignore me.....

Springy I've seen you on an (unrelated) thread I've followed for over a year but never posted on, I've seen your troubles and I empathise (the best I can with tiddlers!) with you so much!

As someone who isn't a mum to teenagers/young adults but who is a young adult, (Literally just turned 27) What struck me about this thread is the icy tone. Phrases like 'my dp and daughter it was COMPLETELY not MY fault' whereas you and other posters (aka Maryz as an obvious example) don't come across so... Cold. Not the place but I suppose I may as well ask, could I be misinterpreting that coldness (which I find deeply uncomfortable) as detachment for the OP?

You've always been (and obviously still are!) a lovely poster. I'll continue big-brothering you on the thread and really hope you and your DC work it out.