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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this text exchange?

146 replies

happinessisfree · 08/08/2013 20:09

Had a gut feeling so checked dh phone. Messages between him and another woman. I know who this woman is he calls her a friend. Seen a few text exchanges berween them including.

DH: Call me at 9:30

OW: I will call once he has gone to work.

And

DH: Is 11 o clock ok

OW: I can meet you in town or are you free Saturday.

I have not confronted him I want to see some more evidence I dont want him to squirm out of it. I have been cheated on before I dont trust my own judgement. Am i crazy or is this suspect?

OP posts:
drasticpark · 11/08/2013 11:32

Ooh, I have been in this exact situation. I sat down next to my ex when he least expected it (so close our legs were touching) and WHISPERED in his ear; "you need to go right now, I know everything. It will all be ok but you do need to go now. Now." Within 20 minutes his suitcase was packed and he was gone.

Don't let on exactly what you know and stay calm to the point of being a frozen block of ice. It unnerves them dreadfully.

Upnotdown · 11/08/2013 11:33

Where does he usually say he's going, OP? Holding your hand :)

Featherbag · 11/08/2013 12:19

Oh dear, so sorry Hmm

Where does he say he was yesterday?

DuchessFanny · 11/08/2013 13:01

So sorry to hear this ! But there are many posters who have been in this situation with some great advice.
Sending lots of support and strength your way !

Hissy · 11/08/2013 14:22

Chipping, sometimes knowing there may be an alternative ending to the doom and gloom is a safety net for someone to do what needs to be done.

It gives the op options. It may be perfectly ok in thé end, or it may be that the op réalisés that actually she doesn't want a cheat back in her life.

One thing is for sure, sticking with him in spite of the deception/betrayal usually means for a permanently unbalanced relationship, with her terrified he'll do it again, and him quietly smug that he got away with it.

Being décisive, booting him out first, questions later is what's the most effective strategy.

It's all about giving the OP power to decide what she wants, not about waiting around for scraps.

HE needs to be shitting himself that if he ever sets à foot out of line again he's gone.

JustBecauseICan · 11/08/2013 14:28

Whatever you decide to do, and I really hope that as I type you are kicking him out with no place to go, be prepared for him crying, telling you she is some mad stalker with a crush on him, that nothing has happened, that they are only good friends, and so on and so forth.

They won't even have thought of having sex.

All bollocks of course, and she won't be the first. Hang onto that thought if he tries to worm his way back in.

AnyFucker · 11/08/2013 15:04

Sterling advice from hissy

Do that, op, and I sincerely hope time away from his cheating Fuck face will make you realise you don't need a knob like this in your life

StraightJacket · 11/08/2013 15:23

Thinking of you OP. Definitely follow Hissys advice! Hope you are ok.

Original poster
happinessisfree · 11/08/2013 15:52

Thank you for your messages of support. Well I told him I knew I didnt keep my calm as much as I had hoped but I did. I rang the ow told her who I was and that my husband was free to spend the day with her today and every other day. She was obviously beside her dh as she didnt really say much.

He has gone. He told me they are just friends, im a snoop and paranoid and he doesnt want to be with someone like that. Ive got a pounding headache now just hope he doesnt return anytime soon.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 11/08/2013 16:02

oh of course its all your fault. What a bastard.
You did the right thing, and we are here for you x

JustBecauseICan · 11/08/2013 16:02

Of course that's what he has told you.

He will be back later, or tomorrow, or whenever, (once he's concocted his wee story) and will tell you a) you are wrong b) they are friends c) he is helping her through a hard time d) there has been no shagging.

pictish · 11/08/2013 16:04

He told me they are just friends, im a snoop and paranoid and he doesnt want to be with someone like that.

For fuck's sake. What an arsehole. Do NOT look back OP.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/08/2013 16:06

"Snoop" or "paranoid" he must have had the surprise of his life, well done OP. That scratchy noise is him scraping the barrel and denying, denying.

Sorry you had this happen to you, hope you also have rl support.

StraightJacket · 11/08/2013 16:08

If they are just friends then why the need for the fucking secrecy?

Lying bastard. You did well. We are here for you!

AnyFucker · 11/08/2013 16:08

Yep he blames you

He has the script, alright

Rachael200694 · 11/08/2013 16:09

Yeah definitely gonna be all your fault! Such a terrible snoop, only because you caught him out!!

Don't take any shit from him, I've been following this thread and think you've got some great advice from other ladies to follow. Keep strong, chin up and see what shite he can come up with next.

I'd love to know what was going on on the woman's head, I don't know if my opinion is wrong but I think her husband has a right to know.
But leave that for now, focus on yourself and your kids for now. Wait for him to crawl back and deal with things then.

All the best, sending all my support xx

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2013 16:09

I'm so sorry, OP. It's incredible how they can fool themselves. It's so hard when you took him back last time to find that he's still the same twat he was then.

Do you have RL support?

Hissy · 11/08/2013 16:10

Oh how typical!

How guilty is he? Totally!

Keep him gone. You now have the upper hand. Refuse to speak at all to him for at least a week.

Don't let him back in your home, pack a bag for him, leave it outside the door and tell him to take it and FTFO until he's prepared to be honest with you.

Zero tolérance now.

Hissy · 11/08/2013 16:11

Meant to say, well done you! You did great today, even if that's the last thing you feel. In time you will see that your strength will serve you well!

Original poster
happinessisfree · 11/08/2013 16:12

Yes thats what he said, its all my fault, ive made myself look stupud and Im an embarassment.

He said why cant I just be happy Im always looking for trouble. Thats why this has happened I bought it on myself.

I actually wish I never saw his lying face again. I havent spoken to anyone in rl yet. Im dreading it.

OP posts:
LittleWhiteWolf · 11/08/2013 16:15

If he's cheated on you before, you'd think he'd be a bit more accepting of you, not "oh I don't want to be with someone so paranoid". He made you that way, after all.

You've done the right thing OP. He is good for nothing. I'm sorry.

ImperialBlether · 11/08/2013 16:17

Oh he's going down the 'it's all your fault' route - a well trodden path taken by the perpetually unfaithful.

Take absolutely no notice of him. He's like the child in the playground who shouts "You smell" in order to win an argument.

The embarassment for you is that you believed him last time. As if you could be happy when he was having an affair! Did he really think you were so emotionally unconnected that you wouldn't notice?

Stay angry with him. He promised he wouldn't do it again and he broke that promise. If he'd told you last time he'd do it again, presumably you would have dumped him then. He's a liar and a cheat and cannot be trusted. He's angry because he thought he was so clever but you found him out.

Rachael200694 · 11/08/2013 16:17

Also, who'd leave the house if they were innocent!! If you were accused and there was genuinely not a thing wrong on your part you'd not be leaving the house would you!

Yeah like said before, well done! Good on you for standing up to him Smile don't let what he says get to you, this has NOTHING to do with you never being happy, there was something there to find. Not your fault what so ever

StraightJacket · 11/08/2013 16:18

He is trying everything he can to get out of this becausehe ddoesn't want to be known for being the one who cheated, again.

Don't fall for it and stand your ground! Get real life support and don't forget, we are here for you too!

gaggiagirl · 11/08/2013 16:19

Well done OP.

You need time on your own away from that horrible man.