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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you make of this text exchange?

146 replies

happinessisfree · 08/08/2013 20:09

Had a gut feeling so checked dh phone. Messages between him and another woman. I know who this woman is he calls her a friend. Seen a few text exchanges berween them including.

DH: Call me at 9:30

OW: I will call once he has gone to work.

And

DH: Is 11 o clock ok

OW: I can meet you in town or are you free Saturday.

I have not confronted him I want to see some more evidence I dont want him to squirm out of it. I have been cheated on before I dont trust my own judgement. Am i crazy or is this suspect?

OP posts:
Mum2Fergus · 11/08/2013 08:46

Oh OP..sorry to hear that

kalidanger · 11/08/2013 08:50

Oh no. So you're now sure he's having an affair? Sad Could you take DC to your mum's so you don't have to set eyes on him?

Thanks
happinessisfree · 11/08/2013 08:55

When he decided not to come yesterday they were tezting and talking about going on.the train to the next town so her husband didnt see them. We only have one car in.the family and she was asking him to take her somewhere but I had the car.

Sorry im babbling on I need to pull myseld together.

I want to call her and confront her. Thats not a good idea is it.

OP posts:
TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 11/08/2013 08:56

Oh happinessisfree I'm sorry to hear that. I would suggest that you do exactly what you need to do to get through this.
Do you have some real life support, someone that you can talk to?

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 11/08/2013 08:59

No you are not babbling.
Judging by the lack of flirtation in the text messages (which definitely sound as though there is an affair going on) this could have been going on for a while. What an absolute bastard he is for doing this to you again.

noddyholder · 11/08/2013 08:59

Confront him not her Sad

HotDogWater · 11/08/2013 09:02

Yes confront him don't contact her.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 11/08/2013 09:02

What do you want to do OP?

lunar1 · 11/08/2013 09:04

Confront whichever of them you want, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It kind of sounds like she might not know he is married from what you posted, that is one reason I might be tempted to ring her.

Hissy · 11/08/2013 09:04

He is the one that you confront.

Calmly, ice cold fury (it's more effective, and you get things done that way)

I think the best way is to simply tell him he has 10 minutes to pack a bag and go.

If he hasn't done it, on the 11th minute you'll be calling her husband.

You HAVE to show him that if he does this, he goes, he has to see you mean it. It has to be your instigation.

The shock of it all is the only thing that will have any potential power to make him see what he's losing.

Take a deep breath and go for it.

I'm so sorry. Be strong, and be totally intransigent on this.

gaggiagirl · 11/08/2013 09:04

I'm so sorry OP just do whatever you feel is right. Is he home today? How are you behaving toward him? It must be so difficult to try and carry on as normal in front of the children.

Doha · 11/08/2013 09:06

can you take a copy of the messages before he deletes them?

Amiee · 11/08/2013 09:09

I'm so sorry for you. I wish I had some advice....

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 11/08/2013 09:13

I think Hissy speaks sense.

Do you have family/friends nearby? Once he's gone could you meet them so they can help with the kids?

gertrudetrain · 11/08/2013 09:14

Could you take the dc's out for the morning leaving a note saying something along the lines if 'I have seen your phone. I'm not prepared to go through this again. You have two options. 1. Pack your bags and leave before I get back and don't contact me. I'll contact you when I'm ready. 2. Choose to stay and fully explain yourself and then leave.I'll be back at x time. Happiness.'

What would you prefer him to do OP?

YoniMatopoeia · 11/08/2013 09:15

Copy the messages if you can. Then I would ask him to move out. What hissy said.

Hissy · 11/08/2013 09:25

I know your mind will be racing a mile a minute, but really, think about it, YOU have all the power here!

You know something that he thinks you don't. He's still being complacent. You know the score, and he has no idea.

Right now, the only person in the relationship that has any power is YOU. Use it.

If you confront him, you have the élément of surprise, and he's not planned for it.

He also doesn't think you'll do anything about it.

The only chance you have to turn a cheat around is to pull the rug from them, burst his bubble and take control.

Have him scrabbling for bags to sling a few bits in, and have to worry his arse about where to go at a moment's notice.

He doesn't get to take the car either. He has to lose everything.

Only then will he see what he's done.

You don't scream, you don't even raise your voice. You may get away with not even crying, you can do that when he's gone.

To have any chance of saving your marriage, you have to be clinical and decisive now.

Hissy · 11/08/2013 09:27

I do like the note idea too, but only if you switch off your mobile too.

THEN you stick to the words of the note and he leaves.

Either way he goes.

Ehhn · 11/08/2013 09:56

good luck op and if you do end up speaking to him, don't let him twist words or get clever. stick with what you want (and know) and you will get it. you come across as very strong and brave.

PandamoniMum · 11/08/2013 10:03

Really feel for you OP. What a bastard. Be strong, we're all here for you!

ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 10:13

Hissy - why on earth would she want to save her marriage to this wanker??

Happiness - I would wait until he goes out (actively encourage him to!), take the kids around to your Mum's/a friends. Pack all of his crap, get a locksmith to change the locks & leave a simple note on top of his stuff. 'Fuck off - I am not stupid'.

I'm sorry you are going through this :(

Winter123 · 11/08/2013 10:51

The note would surely give him time to come up with excuses/lies and he could formulate a plan with the OW?

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 11/08/2013 11:00

I would be inside the house, with the locks changed, before telling him as it would be easier to 'make him leave'.

Ahhhcrap · 11/08/2013 11:19

Personally I'd put the fear of god into both of them... I'd copy (screenshot) the texts and send it to both of them with an 'I know'

Then I'd ask him for space whilst you calm down and decide what you want to do. Let her stew!

I wouldn't listen to anything either if them say over the next couple of days, they'll be in arse covering mode

Fairenuff · 11/08/2013 11:32

So sorry to come back and read this happiness. At least you know now, so no more going nuts trying to find out.

It sounds like she does not want her husband to know so you have that power in your hands too.

I agree with those who say he has to leave. Today. Right now if possible.

He needs to feel that he's been hit by a whirlwind, with everything he ever valued taken away in an instant. He can't go to her and she will be in a complete panic too.

You are in control right now.