Lap dance at stag do

[worrybynature]

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

Sorry I got a sentence totally wrong.

It should read "arguments about naked women which while very important in the grand scheme of things are really irrelevant to this thread"

Nobody is without faults, givvus, be they man or woman.

But, honestly, there are men out there who do consider lap dances/objectification etc as wrong/not their scene/disrespectful.

Are you saying you dh has never done anything wrong?

How odd. Define wrong. He's messed up. We've had arguments. He's been an arsehole about his family (for example).

But he's never thought so little of women that he's paid one to take her clothes off for his titilation.

If your dh has so little respect for you that he does do these things and then lies to you about it, you need to look at your relationship and not project so much.

Oh and givvus, I'm delighted that in four days your fa and ea relationship has managed to transform itself. That's incredible work from you.

Givvusaclue You don't know me, so please don't judge me or my dh according to your own low standards.
I am not naïve and I can guarantee you that my dh has never been to a stripclub or lap-dancing club. I've just asked him, actually (just for your benefit) and he laughed, pulled a face and said he couldn't think of anything worse.

he said he would be disgusted if she grew up and made money doing what that stripper was doing, so how can he think what he did was ok?

Huh. So there are 'good girls' like your daughter, and he would be furious if she grew up to be like one of 'those' women. But her existence provided them with some entertainment for the evening. How naice.

he is still adamant that I am wrong for reacting in the way I have.

Well, God forbid you have your own ladybrain that thinks and responds in a different way than he would like.

Problem is now, that it's not only his stag do - it'll be other times in future where his mates will have their stag dos, and I doubt you'll be buying his tales of, "It'll just be go-karting followed by a few pints and a curry."

A lap dance is more than just a 'show' considering it generally revolves around a naked woman gyrating on a man's crotch/over his face.

There may/may not be touching depending on various factors too.

A 'show' implies distance without actual contact.

Who's lying? And are you really suggesting that we must have sexual hangups because we find lap-dancing seedy, sad, misogynistic and unpleasant?

I agree, RhondaJean.

Crumpets - re:worrybynature explaining to her idiot how she feels: he does know how she feels, she says so in her OP "He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it." As I understood that, he would know why she would be upset if he had a lapdance.

And as RhondaJean says, he knew how she felt but he went along with the strippers anyway - it's about lack of respect and regard for her feelings. Her feelings that I think (apologies if I've read it wrongly) he knew all about.

Just asked DH whether any stag do he has been on involved strippers.

One best man had booked the stripper but when the Stag found out he insisted the booking was cancelled. Which it was.

On another Stag, there were strippers in the bar but no one was that interested. BTW these were all builder types and by no stretch of the imagination chin stroking New Men.

He said that he found it difficult to believe anyone would be interested in strippers unless they (the stags) were very very young or had very little experience with naked women. I mean, "licked her minge" hardly sounds like a phrase used by a considerate or experienced lover.

Sure, people are different and have different ideas. Sounds as if you've accepted that the men in your life would behave in this way. The OP clearly has a problem with her OH "licking the minge" of a lap-dance in the back of a car, when she's made it very clear that that's a deal-breaker for her. And that's the issue here.

Also crumpets, I agree with you completely that he needs to understand where worrybynature is coming from. I think his criticising her reaction is putting a block on this - he doesn't seem to accept her feelings on the matter.

"Why are emasculating men so much that they are having to lie about something that whilst seedy isnt the end of the world? Are we projecting our own sexual hang ups and are insecure about the blatant exhibitionism."

The men I know who don't have to pay for sex or female attention, who are confident enough to see women as people and not objects, who are proud to describe themselves as feminists, are not emasculated.

How horrible

whilst I don't like the idea of lap dancers or strippers, I do think it is part of our culture and is often included in the 'rite of passage' that is a hen or stag night

"part of our culture"? Not mine. Nor that of my sons/daughter - we've talked about it. And you're dignifying something pretty pathetic/seedy when you use expressions such as "rite of passage".

We're talking about people getting drunk and looking at women's (usually) genitalia together. Not hunting the wild boar alone, armed with a mere stick, or submitting to ritual circumcision without anaesthesia. I'm not commending either of those, by the way.

If you "don't like" the idea of lap dancers etc, don't accept it. Why don't we expect our partners to be our equals, instead of rather silly little boys to be indulged? I grew up in the 50s and thought we'd left all that appeasing little woman stuff behind. How depressing.

The best man obviously dislikes you because you are the competition, the woman who is taking away his best friend. He has taken great pleasure in relaying, or exaggerating, this episode to cause you maximum upset. When I was in my twenties I had a boyfriend with a friend like this and I would not have wanted someone like this at my wedding at all, and particularly not playing such a prominent role.

Whether or not women are right to be upset by their partners having a lap dance is not relevant to this discussion. The OP made clear to her fiancé in advance that this was not acceptable within the parameters of their relationship, but he went ahead and did it anyway and now says that she has to "get over it". How many more things will she have to tolerate because he feels like doing it and, well, it's done now so she will just have to deal with it? If he wants to engage in something that he knows is abhorrent to his fiancée, he should never have embarked on the path to marriage. He should stay single or find a woman who is happy for him to "lick the minge" of other women - there are clearly some out there, judging by some of the responses on this thread.

I still feel awful, but thanks for asking. I have cried so much today, my head is killing. I think dp finally understands how upset I am. I have always disagreed with the idea of strippers, but since I've had our daughter my body is disgusting, and I now feel like I don't want dp to see ME naked anymore. I accept that a lot of my reaction is down to my insecurities. Dp says he wouldn't have done it if he knew this would hurt me so much, but he also says he was curious, as hasn't had a stripper before. It makes me feel ill that he was curious to see her vagina. I can't stop thinking about it :( :(
Best man gone, I told him to leave this morning

Oh goodness worry , where to start?

Firstly, I'm sure your body isn't disgusting. It's just not an air-brushed, pre-baby, late-teen body any more. How you feel about your body does not give your partner a reason to disrespect your wishes. If it helps, I am confident in my own skin and would still be feeling as disappointed and repulsed as you do with mental images of my partner using another woman for pleasure.

And I'm glad you got the others from under your roof.