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Original poster

Lap dance at stag do

549 replies

worrybynature · 04/08/2013 10:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
KareninsGirl · 04/08/2013 14:03

Any man can say 'no thanks' to a lap dance. Any man who knows his own mind and doesn't objectify women, that is.

The best man sounds like a twunt of the highest order.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this OP and I don't think you should be expected to 'just get over it'. To all intents and purposes it is cheating.

givvusaclue · 04/08/2013 14:08

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KareninsGirl · 04/08/2013 14:10

Not 'loving this' at all. Just know men who feel it is not their god given right to exploit women on their stag dos. Shocking, eh?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 04/08/2013 14:11

worrybynature, I guess at the moment your DH is horribly hungover and possibly also a bit drunk. In your shoes I would stop talking to him about this and would leave him to stew. I would tell him that there would be no further discussion until he was fully sobered up.

Also if his friends are still hanging around I would kick them out in no uncertain terms.

Perhaps it would help you to right down how you feel? Give it to him to read. This way you can get all your feelings over to him without him having time to make up excuses.

If he doesnt normally behave this way then he is probably defending his actions out of shame at his behaviour.

Behaviour such as this must have consequences, assuming that all the people on the stag do are invited to the wedding then I would be uninviting them. The message to be delivered over the phone by DP with worrybynature in the room.

If DP finds this embarrassing then that is good, he should.

Vijac · 04/08/2013 14:13

It hard because whilst I don't like the idea of lap dancers or strippers, I do think it is part of our culture and is often included in the 'rite of passage' that is a hen or stag night. I don't think that it is in any way the same as cheating and given that it was organised by his friends, not him, and it was the stag, I would just let it go. It's a shame that his mates felt they needed to fill you in. That said, if the minge comment was true (sure it wasn't), then I would feel differently. Just see it as the one off, silly stag party that it was.

CVSFootPowder · 04/08/2013 14:13

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WorrySighWorrySigh · 04/08/2013 14:13

sorry, brain in neutral:

Perhaps it would help you to write down how you feel?

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 14:26

I'm not so sure about banning the best man. If they get married then the groom has a right to have his friends and family there. I think there's far more discussion to be had between the couple, and stomping your feet about the best man is just a bit of a red herring.

givvusaclue · 04/08/2013 14:31

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Naebother · 04/08/2013 14:31

I would flounce off.

Go and stay at a mates. Leave him with his hangover and stupid friends today.

Have a think about what you want to happen next.

waltermittymissus · 04/08/2013 14:38

givvus you're coming across as a man pleaser. One of those sorry women who forces herself to be ok with stuff like this because she's terrified of not being loved.

I'm probably wrong, but I don't think so.

My dp is honest too. And he honestly didn't go to a strip club. I don't think it's that unusual and I think it's sad really, that you think if a man doesn't pay a woman to strip then he's lying.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 04/08/2013 14:41

I dont agree Vivacia, surely the people you want at your wedding are the people who will support you as a couple not a bunch of misogynists. A wedding isnt simply an excuse for a party that you invite any old bod to.

clam · 04/08/2013 14:51

"I do think it is part of our culture and is often included in the 'rite of passage' that is a hen or stag night."

Maybe in your world, but not in mine.

givvusaclue · 04/08/2013 14:53

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waltermittymissus · 04/08/2013 14:53

"I do think it is part of our culture and is often included in the 'rite of passage' that is a hen or stag night."

I'm sorry but that's just misogynistic bullshit.

waltermittymissus · 04/08/2013 14:55

Otherwise I will do the same and tell you that you are an insecure fool who believes everything her husband tells her while he laughs at her

Please do. It rather proves my point: that's your opinion of what men really do. And that's just sad. Because women who surround themselves with decent, respectful men know differently.

KareninsGirl · 04/08/2013 14:57

How can leering at another woman's vagina seen as a 'rite of passage' for someone about to get married?

That's just bullshit, sorry.

clam · 04/08/2013 14:57

"Otherwise I will do the same and tell you that you are an insecure fool who believes everything her husband tells her while he laughs at her."
I think you might be projecting a bit there, givvusaclue. You need to realise that there are decent men out there, and some of us are lucky enough to be married to them.

KareninsGirl · 04/08/2013 14:58

*be seen

givvusaclue · 04/08/2013 14:58

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Vivacia · 04/08/2013 14:59

Worry I agree, but it's a conclusion for the couple to come to. I'd be concerned there'd be (even more) resentment.

givvusaclue · 04/08/2013 14:59

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Groovee · 04/08/2013 15:00

My dh told me after his stag do that he hadn't gone to the lapdancing bar. 9 years down the line he admitted he had, and that certain people who gate crashed had manhandled him there and then held him down for a lapdance. I believe this as I've seen the fuckers in action before. He apologised and it took 2 years for me to feel love and trust for him.

What I didn't like was that our daughter's godfather said he hadn't wanted to go but when he realised that dh's brother who was his best man had done a bunk, he felt he had to look after dh and had a bit of a battle with the fuckers to get dh out of there. He told me that he knew if his gf had got wind of it she'd have hit the roof if he hadn't tried to stop it. So he did. But dh's brother ran away instead of helping his brother. Nice brother like!

I still get moments of anger but more directed at the group who did this. Dh had said no to going and they should have listened.

You have to make a decision quickly if you will move on or if you are going to cancel everything. At least he has been honest but he sounds like he needs decent friends.

RhondaJean · 04/08/2013 15:01

Look to me the point here isn't that there was a stripper or not. We could argue the rights and wrongs of that forever (and probably will).

Ignoring what the "thing that happened" actually was, the op told her DH that she had a boundary and that it mattered to her. He then totally ignored this and crossed that boundary, and his dickhead mates to add insult to injury think its fine to go on about it and make a fool of her for being upset.

It shows a lack of respect for the op and a lack of regard for her feelings and opinions.

I would not want to spend the rest of my life, or legally tie myself, to someone who ignored my feelings regardless of what the "thing that happened" was.

And I would not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who chose best friends who were as downright horrible and mean as these two have been.

The actual stripper is a red herring and the thread is getting bogged down in arguments about naked women which while important discussions are really irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Op, postpone the wedding. You need to see if you can resolve this, at the very best your wedding day will be ruined if you go ahead next week because you will still be upset about this.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/08/2013 15:03

clam.

you are completely right. My dh has never had a lap dancer, stripper, escort etc and he isn't interested.
I think men that use stag parties for an excuse to do this are twats tbh, and women who try and stop men who want to do this are naive and kidding themselves.
If you don't mind your man doing this then fine. If you do mind, find a man who doesn't like it, there are some about.