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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lap dance at stag do

549 replies

worrybynature · 04/08/2013 10:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
Ezio · 05/08/2013 21:34

Dark, it grates on me too, i'd hate that smug shit stirring prick giving a speech at my wedding.

Darkesteyes · 05/08/2013 21:41

Hes a mysogynist Poos.

YY Ezio.

BlackDaisies · 05/08/2013 22:33

Speaking as someone who married a man who had a lap dance at his stag do, and also friends a bit like your DPs, I can understand why there's no way you feel you can bail out of the wedding. ie - it will seem like too big a step for you to make. My ex also thought there was nothing wrong with it. I made excuses along the "all men are like this" lines (they're really not) and went ahead and married him - and was happyish for a year or so.

I am now divorced (marriage lasted 6 years). My ex hid his views about women less and less as our marriage went on, and became pretty abusive and bullying towards me. I'm so glad to be out of it now - it's like breathing fresh air.

I can't think what advice to give you, except to maybe make sure you stand up for what you believe in - you say you were crying and upset - you have every right to be angry too. Don't let him ever say you're the problem and that you "nag" if you're trying to stand up for anything you believe in. Think about and write down things you believe are deal breakers and decide you will stick to that - it's horribly easy to put up with more and more once you let certain things happen. On a practical note - if it's possible, I would say set up a separate savings account and pay into it - it never hurts to have a bit of money behind you if you ever need to rethink your life.

I don't think you should go into your wedding unhappily - but maybe in a way feel more confident underneath that you have decided what your boundaries are, and know that you will stick to that.

rek999 · 05/08/2013 23:02

I hope you have a good wedding. It's a stupid thing to do but I honestly don't believe there's any nasty intent in there. Very surprised you were allowed to know, guys usually keep all that sort of stuff in house.

Darkesteyes · 05/08/2013 23:09

Prey tell us rek What else shouldnt the OP be "allowed" to know.

And if the OP had a hen night and afterwards a friend wound her DH up about the OP sucking the male strippers cock, you of course would say the same thing rek ....that there was no nasty intent there.

myroomisatip · 05/08/2013 23:15

I honestly wish you well.

Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. Not sure if it is acceptable to cancel a wedding over one mistake but we dont know the whole story so I accept that you have given this 'A LOT' of consideration before you made your decision.

Good luck and congratulations. I hope you can both put this behind you and be very happy. However, please please do not leave MN. I am not saying you will be back with your own relationship problems but I do think that there is much clarification regards boundaries and a lot of support, which you might find helpful.

worrybynature · 06/08/2013 06:30

Thanks all! Lots of things to think about. I guess as you say, time will tell? I don't feel that he has now been given a green light, quite the opposite, he now knows what will be an instant deal breaker.

OP posts:
rek999 · 06/08/2013 07:39

Not saying she shouldn't have been allowed to know - far from it. Just that guys are usually very careful about these sort of things IME

rek999 · 06/08/2013 07:41

Plus no nasty intent from the DH, not his friend

nkf · 06/08/2013 07:44

I hope all goes well for you.

curlew · 06/08/2013 09:17

Struggling to see how somebody can have a lap dance and tell his partner that there was nothing wrong with it and she was over reacting and not have "nasty intent"

NotConnie · 06/08/2013 10:10

Me too Curlew.

The thread reminded me of something that happened when I'd been married for about a year and my husband and his friends went to see strippers at a local club. This wasn't lap dancing, it was the more old fashioned type of stripper - standing on a makeshift stage in some squalid pub while the men all gather round throwing fivers at her.
My husband knew that I'd be very upset by the whole thing and didn't tell me. I found out 3 months later from the wife of one of his friends.
I was never quite able to get past it, even 20 years later it still bothered me. It changed my view of him and how he regarded women and I lost respect for him.

But, OP has made up her mind, she asked us how to get over it and it seems as if she's somehow managed to do that.
Now I feel that all I can do is support her decision.
I do wish her the best and I do hope she's got over it 'enough' that it doesn't bother her for years to come.

VitoCorleone · 06/08/2013 12:25

It wont be an instant deal breaker though will it? It was a deal breaker before the stag do, but yet he's got off scot free, so next time he does it on the next stag do he will get away with it again. Or, more likely, make sure you dont find out next time.

What a great start to married life.

clam · 06/08/2013 12:46

I don't see that it was "one mistake" either. In his opinion, it wasn't a mistake at all. He doesn't see any problem with it and thinks the OP is over-reacting.

You have "agreed to disagree," on the matter, but I don't see how that works. Would you agree to disagree on him shagging someone else, if he didn't see the issue and thought you were fussing? All this means is that he can do what the hell he likes and you've got to keep your opinions to yourself.

Good luck with this.

nauticant · 06/08/2013 13:48

I'm not sure that criticising the OP about her considered decision to proceed is particularly helpful.

Good luck worrybynature. It's your choice and hopefully you have enough information and confidence in your gut feeling to be happy with it.

Hitchy83 · 06/08/2013 14:39

Hay there, god this rings home and makes me feel sick hearing it happen to someone else. I found out my DH went to a strip club on his stag do and his mates paid for him to have a private nude lap dance. I found out by accident 3 years later. Absolutely devastated me as i found out while i was pregnant then subsequently after i had our DS i couldn't take my mind off it, feeling totally inadequate and with the image of another woman all over my DH, it was just horrible and i have to say almost 12 months on and i still have issues now. We ended up going to counseling sessions so my husband could understand the devastation he'd caused me, some of which he hadn't realised. He blamed it all on his friends and some childish boy curiosity, but ended up accepting responsibility and admitted he should never have gone knowing how i would feel about it (i never really talked to him about strip clubs before except a jokey 'no strip clubs!' as he left the house!).

Anyway, I know you're wedding must be coming up and you're going through some serious issues, i do question myself if i had of known before i got married if i would of gone through with it. But at the end of the day i have to be realistic, my DH is an amazing man, son, husband and now daddy to our DS and I love him. He knows how much he's hurt me and is as devastated as i am, our counseling sessions were as upsetting for him as they were for me. He's been so supportive since and knows what im thinking if i see something say on TV which will remind me of what happened. I hate to say it but sometimes men think they can get away with it on their stag do, no its not right, its not fair especially if you're already set ground rules about it, but it feels for them like a tradition they only get one opportunity to go and do, so to speak. Would my DH go back, no, never and i can 100% trust that he wont. He knows if he ever did anything like that again that would be the end of us.

My advise to you is that you need to talk to him honestly about it, how its hurt you and why its hurt you. It might be something to speak to him about before the wedding, or save for some time after. He needs to listen to you without going off one one, blaming mates or the fact it was a stag do, at the end of the day if the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel? You'll have people on here saying dump him etc (thats a lot of the responses i had), but only you know your husband, what is he really like, do you think you can trust him again. I wouldnt call off the wedding without some serious serious doubts as to his integrity, this might have just been a one off, he's marring you, he loves you!

I really truly feel for you, i hope it all works out and you can get past this. xxx

Hitchy83 · 06/08/2013 14:57

By the way his best man sounds like a dick, if it were me as part of the 'punishment' so to speak, i'd say he wont be best man and for your DP to choose someone else. This will put current best man in his place. Is there any reason why this guy would want to cause trouble between you and your DP?
The person i found out from (through seeing a text msg conversation between him and my DH), is aware that i was upset by it all (doesnt know full story that we almost split up at lowest point and went to counseling), but now whenever we are out at every opportunity will mention strippers, the last time he did it I was just exasperated by it all and almost left the dinner table, instead i asked my husband to tell him to stop. He didnt want to raise the issue so that his mate was aware of how serious it had been so hasn't....but i've promised that next time he mentions a stripper he'll regret it. His partner isnt aware of what happened and that he too had a lap dance just for the hell of it, i dont want to cause hurt to his DW but he knows what he's doing and maybe its time he dealt with the reality of his DW finding out........ (am i mean?!)

hellsbellsmelons · 06/08/2013 15:41

If you've decided to forgive him then just remember:-

When you accept somebody, you accept their past too. Don`t hold it against them later

It's in the past now and you need to move on.

I hope you have a lovely day and enjoy being the centre of attention.
Don't let that dick of a BM take it away from you!

worrybynature · 06/08/2013 15:56

Thank you so much. It still hurts to think of it, and I accept it may do for a long time. Counselling would be something we could consider for the future if it is still hurting me. Dp does definitely see how much this has hurt me, and he does love me, so I believe him when he says this will not happen again. Another consolation is that he said when she got on top of him (bleurgh) and was dancing, it felt inappropriate and awkward and wrong, and only lasted a few minutes before he told her to move on to someone else. I also feel very pleased that he told me, as I would hate for it to be this big secret between him and his friends that is laughed about behind my back for god knows how long.

OP posts:
Doha · 06/08/2013 16:11

Another consolation is that he said when she got on top of him (bleurgh) and was dancing, it felt inappropriate and awkward and wrong, and only lasted a few minutes before he told her to move on to someone else.

Oh come on love he would say that wouldn't he. He's not admit to you he enjoyed it will he?.
He will say whatever he has to for you to decide after all that this is NOT a deal breaker.

Offred · 06/08/2013 16:18

I think if you brush it under the carpet now you will regret it op. I would definitely postpone the wedding if I were you. There is no sense in settling for an inadequate man or marriage even if people around you are pressuring you to think the inadequacies are small. Over time, through marriage, inadequacies grow. This is a pretty important set of his; disrespecting your boundaries, minimising your feelings and having dickhead mates that he sides with against you.

There are intellectual arguments (objectification and misogyny) and emotional ones (jealousy, insecurity) not sure why the emotional ones are being used to minimise the intellectual ones, they are related surely?

If you believe in monogamy and have agreed to be monogamous then it isn't beyond the realms of belief that prostitutes, strippers and porn might be considered infidelity (no it isn't the same as seeing someone you are attracted to at the beach because that isn't consumption for sexual excitement, it is just attraction) and that this might provoke jealousy. What each person considers infidelity to be is personal as are choices about monogamy. There is no 'making people (men) lie' by being 'unreasonable'. There is only feeling you are entitled to lie because you think you are more important or because you are a selfish coward who doesn't have much respect for your partner. If your beliefs differ you are each entitled to them and are incompatible.

The defence that porn, strippers, prostitutes are not a 'real' sexual experience and therefore are objectively unable to be called infidelity only holds water if you are saying a sexual services buying/consuming partner is fine to be sexually excited by a lack of connection with the reality of the person providing that sexual service. In this day and age if it is about sex then there are a myriad of ways to get it for free whoever you are, the excitement comes from the debasement of paying to objectify IMO, since there is really no need to pay for sex now. This is a problem when it comes to real sexual relationships because it shows a linking of sexual excitement to an active or passive lack of concern for the source of that excitement.

The insecurity that many partners feel comes from the objectification. It is the recognition that their partner is sexually excited by paying for a body. That that obviously puts their focus onto their own bodies in their minds, it leads to their own objectification of themselves and makes them feel as though things other than their bodies which make up themselves don't matter. This is a normal reaction if a bit misguided because often the people paying for the service have a madonna/whore complex or actually are just pathetic people (mates) pleasers who say one thing to their partners and another to their mates and never really enjoy anything particularly.

I wouldn't want to be with either although unfortunately I have discovered I am married to the latter. That's my bias if I have one.

Be very careful who you hitch your wagon to, especially if you have a daughter already. It is much harder to undo and gets harder and harder as the children get older. Don't settle for anything where marriage is concerned, don't do it unless it is absolutely right rather than a compromise. Postponing now might mean marrying this man later worked out better if that's the way you want to go. Doing it the way you propose simply says to him he is right that it isn't a big deal and it sets a precedent for your boundaries in the future; he doesn't need to respect them (or you) if you have them and neither do his mates.

thistlelicker · 06/08/2013 16:19

At the end of the day we
Don't know what mind of relationship the op has with her partner. He made a mistake In here eyes. He being a typical bloke and brushing it away!! Op has made her choice to honour her love for her partner and her dd and wants to marry him!!! Who gives anybody the right to tell her she is doing something wrong!!! All that matter is its right for the op !!! Not one of u lot ok this thread is perfect and we all make mistakes, we live and learn so get them hoiky knickers out ur arses and let the op live her life and make her choices!!!

Op - glad u talked and you managed to wrinkle out the small creases!! Good luck on your wedding! :-)Thanks

BelaLugosisShed · 06/08/2013 16:20

He needs to really understand just why this "all blokes together" crap is so damaging to relationships and to women in general, stag night rituals can be a weird and twisted "male bonding" excercise, with the weaker personalities not wanting to step out of line for fear of humiliation, it really is like something from the schoolyard, pathetically so, in fact.
I'd say that losing the best man is a minimum condition for going ahead with the wedding, it's the only way of knowing for sure that you are number one in your partner's eyes.

Offred · 06/08/2013 16:20

I wouldn't want a bar of the "tell him it is the best man or you" stuff either. Facts are he's making poor choices, in his relationships across the board which indicate he is a dickhead himself or weak and immature. He's the one who should be calling his mate out, that fact he hasn't is worrying and you doing it would only potentially make you the bad guy and him the victim.

Offred · 06/08/2013 16:25

I agree it is good that he told you btw. There is a lot of pressure to do the whole "what happens on stag stays on stag" thing...

However I still think this has introduced some questions and problems which I think it would be better to sort out before marriage rather than hoping for the best.