Lap dance at stag do

[worrybynature]

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

Thanks, golferman. I love men like you posting on these threads - and I'd have hated the hen night your wife had to go to! I've never seen a male stripper in my life - long may it remain that way.

My dh and I never even had stag/hen do's (and we're not boring fuddy-duddies either- we'll party with the best of them.) I agree with a pp who said they can lead to nothing but trouble. My best friend's husband to be slept with a prostitute on his stag weekend in Amsterdam - the fall out was awful.

WHy stag do's have to involve a strip club is completely beyond me - the man is already committed - supposedly- to the woman he loves. I much prefer the idea of paintballing and a meal.

mooncup, I don't agree with OP's mum at all ! I just don't like the 'older women' line in that post.

sapfu I do hope not.
If this was my daughter, I certainly wouldn't be thinking that she should go ahead and marry him because it's 'time for grandchildren' or because I had to put it up with when I was younger.
This type of thing,ok not lapdances in hummers, but strippers in pubs after hours or on Sunday mornings and what the men got up to then was horrible, has been going on for years. I didn't like it then and I voiced my opinions about it.
It's funny around MN. We don't tolerate racism or sexism but I do see a heck of a lot of posts that are ageist, or minimising the opinion of those of us who are older.

I agree re the 'older women' comments, they are uncalled for. We are all as individual when we get older as we were as youngsters you know!

My DH had a lap dance at a strip club a few years ago (I views are like yours) he said that his work mates paid or it and his bravado couldn't stand there and say no sorry my GF wouldn't approve blah blah blah. This didn't come out until an argument (truth telling session) a few months later. I got over it when he told be that he just felt embarrassed all the way through the dance and didn't know where to look etc. I'm guessing it would be the same on a stag do. If his mates had organised it he's unlikely to say no (men huh??) to save face in front of his mates. I wouldn't be happy/comfortable if my DH had done this on his stag but trust me... You do get over it. If someone plucked a random bloke out and got him to gyrate on you would you like it?? Probably not so chances are it was the same for him. Good luck for your wedding and please don't let this ruin it for you.

I would be furious, upset and debating whether to call the wedding off.

However it is only one episode and he didn't organise the stag do or the stripper did he? As for what went on. Well what does your fiancé say?

If I were you I would tell him that one this one occasion you will accept it has happened but that you won't forget it and this is a deal breaker. Next time anything like this happens he can walk.

As for his twatty mates I would be very tempted to make sure that their girlfriends/wives/mothers heard about what they organised and how they decided to speak to you. They clearly have a lack of respect for women and so the women in their lives should know this. His mates would also never be welcome in the house again and they would be the rules your fiancé can either accept or walk away from.

I said WHENVER i hear this from older women.... cant really phrase it any other way really as a woman in their 20s/30s is incredibly unlikely to have a daughter old enough to get married let alone a potential son in law old enough to visit strip clubs.

Im 40 btw. I didnt mean all older women. Its what the word WHENEVER means when used in this context.

"(men huh??)"

What do you mean by this MissTweed?

Men are actual conscious human beings able to make choices you know?
Do you shrug off other forms of bad behaviour just coz they is menz?

NotConnie YOU might not pressure your daughter but the OPs mum is. Thats what i was referring too.

Anyone remember the thread by stuffitunderthebed? Her parents were doing the same in a very similar situation. It DOES happen

I didnt say it didn't happen !
Its just that as an older woman I didn't like how it seemed that you were generalising about all women over the age of 45, or whatever you consider to be 'older'.
Let's leave it there please, we're just taking the thread off topic and away from OP's problem.

"Add message | Report | Message poster ALittleStranger Sun 04-Aug-13 10:55:40
Personally I wouldn't class this as cheating. I hate stripping and lap dances as I think they're degrading and misgynistic, but it's not cheating. I'd view it the same as if my DP had abused a homeless person for a "laugh" on a night out, or used a racial slur."

What?? I assume you're talking about the mask slipping?

Hell I'd missed that gem from ALittleStranger

Do people really think abusing homeless people is something that can be excused?

I learn something new daily

I hope she meant she wouldn't clas it as cheating but would see it as proof of his fundamental character

oh OP i would be hopping mad right now

I would have cancelled the wedding by now. if my dh (to be) had a lapdance from a naked stripper his bags would be packed. i dont give a tiny shit about lame excuses like peer pressure etc and if he was drunk - how disrespectful. And his friends sound like absolute prize immature dicks as well.

i think you need to have a real long think about what sort of person you are going to be making a lifetime commitment to

you must be in bits. hugs to you x

"Older women?"

What, older women like all the feminists who fought for you to have the rights you have today? Yeah, right.

Yes but curlew we are going backwards again!
These threads illustrate that nicely.
This type of behaviour is widely accepted amongst many younger women as its seen as uncool or insecure to find it insulting.
I believe a ^secure* woman would feel able to speak up if they don't agree with something rather than just out up and shut up for fear of seeming controlling and insecure.
The fact in this case is that the op is upset by it so her fiancé should at least be discussing it with her rationally.

One week or one year, if you want to call off the wedding call it off. It might feel too hard but much harder is standing at the alter pledging your life to a man who has made you feel shit.

Have you got a sister or a best friend who can support you if you do want to cancel/postpone the wedding? It will be incredibly tough- but it is doable.

OH FFS I didnt mean ALL older women. I wasnt generalising That is why i used the word WHENEVER., and ive seen a lot of women posting on these boards whose OWN families and mothers have made excuses for what the DH is doing. And i am a feminist btw.

Curlew i could say you are generalising by saying that all older women are feminists Belive me they are not.

I could do nothing but use the phrase i used considering that for a woman in her late twenties/thirties to have a daughter old enough to get married is a FUCKING PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY unless you know something i dont.

And i used the word WHENEVER WHENEVER WHENEVER in the context i used it in because ive seen the familes of women who have been mistreated or abused by their spouse time and time again ive seen the womens families side with the abusive spouse. Ive seen it many times on these boards.

darkest dies have a point though.
My own mother refuses to aknowledge the dv I suffered with my first partner. She thinks he's a nice bloke and I've made it up.
She's an otherwise sane and intelligent woman btw.
I got the feeling too that she thought it was my fault when my exh cheated!

Darkesteyes I know exactly where you are coming from.
I also think it is not a coincidence that women who are considering having marriages with men like this have mothers who excuse shitty male behaviour.

And I'm looking at you mum

So - after 11 pages of harrumphing, what are the OPs actual options then? Call it off? Leave The Bastard? Tell DH to remove the best man and the friends who called in the stripper from the wedding?

For this? When it's almost the norm on stag dos these days (and for many a year in fact).

And as for all those on here proclaiming the right-on saintliness of their DHs, I call bullshit. They just keep quiet.

Yes, I'm afraid my own mother, lovely though she is, also dismisses male bad behaviour on occasion. She would probably give the same advice as the op's mother I'm saddened to say. Sometimes I think she just wants all us daughters married off nicely. Honestly.

Personally, I would postpone. Well, I say that knowing what I do at 38. At 28, I would have ignored it, lived in denial and got on with it. Which I did. Much to my regret.