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Original poster

Lap dance at stag do

549 replies

worrybynature · 04/08/2013 10:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
nkf · 04/08/2013 17:23

I think to stand in someone's house and say your fiance licked a stripper's minge is so unbelievably dreadful that he deserves to be ostracised for ever. That is so rude, so crude and just so disrespectful. It is 100% clear to me that the best man be sent to social Siberia. But then he is a non event in the scheme of things.

OP, what do you want to do? Cancel, delay or go ahead. Those are your options. None of them is easy, so do the one you want.

Doha · 04/08/2013 17:23

DO you actually get on with the best man because if he knew that strippers were a deal breaker was he trying to sabotage the wedding. He sounds vile and you should certainly demand yes demand that he is no longer the best man if the wedding does go ahead.
I wonder if your Dp will have the balls to do that since he didn't grow a pair and refuse to participate with the stripper?

Chardonnay73 · 04/08/2013 17:26

I would go ahead but insist that the best man was persona non gratis.

Stag/Hen do's are nothing but expense and cause no end of hassle IMHO

Vivacia · 04/08/2013 17:26

Oh, and I assume you've never been to a hen night that involved strippers/nude butlers etc, because that would make you a hypocrite?

Or, you know, actually it wouldn't.

NotConnie · 04/08/2013 17:30

I agree with nkf. What an utterly vile and vulgar person he is.

Viviennemary · 04/08/2013 17:31

The gory details are vile. Still I expect it goes on and people are never any the wiser. But the OP has been told about it so she is dwelling on it. Don't know what to say. But IMHO this goes on these days.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/08/2013 17:34

Actions speak louder than words.

If he really is genuinely remorseful then he would need to show this in his actions - e.g pulling up his friends for making vile goading remarks this morning, banning best man from wedding (after all he can't be a true friend knowing the stripper would upset you and cause problems), establishing boundaries etc.

To help make him think hard about his actions and to show how much this hurt you, tell him to go away for a few days to allow you space to consider if you still want to marry a weak immature easily led man.

mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 17:38

I am quite a bit older than you OP. My ex-h went to strip clubs when on his stag do and despite me feeling exactly like you do right now, I took the "don't make a fuss" approach and the Sunk Fallacy approach - we too had a little baby.

I regret it massively. I wish I had trusted myself. I wish I had had the self respect to ditch him at this massive red flag being waved in my face.

I would ask a few questions to try and see what type of man he is in general, especially with regards to a woman's role in life/marriage:

Does he do his fair share of baby care? (and i mean fair)
Does he think he has a right to go out whenever he pleases and come back whenever he pleases and you 'hold the fort'?
Does he expect sex on tap and get in any way annoyed / upset / grumpy if you are not 'fulfilling his needs'?
Does he ever become grumpy / sabotage any efforts you may make to go out / try something new?

There are many more questions I could ask, but if I was a 28 year old me, I would have wished someone would have joined the dots and seen that the stripper was just one incident of him being a totally selfish arsewipe.

AppleYumYum · 04/08/2013 17:55

The thing I don't get about stag or even hen do-s is why before the wedding? Really the last night as a single person was the night before a couple decided to be exclusive.

My DH knew my feelings on strip clubs, he gave his friends v strict instructions. Though sadly other men forget it's not about them, they seem to relish using their friend's stag do as an excuse to get their rocks off, no thought to the consequences for the groom's relationship etc

So sorry OP, this should be a happy week full of excitement Angry Angry

SomeDizzyWhore1804 · 04/08/2013 18:03

On my DHs stag be was railroaded by his best man and others to go to a strip club. I didn't think it would bother me but it did- even though he didn't actually have a dance himself and said he found it really uncomfortable and awful.

I ended up telling him I didn't like the idea much and we had a nice discussion about it. He said he was sorry it had upset me and he would never do it again- even if it meant making a point and walking away from a group. I felt a lot better after our conversation so talking to your partner is important.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/08/2013 18:04

Oh and it would be a deal breaker for me as I don't want to live with a man who thinks its ok to buy women's bodies.

Also while you are thinking things through I would carefully consider all of the things listed above - does he do half of the work when at home? is child free leisure time equally divided between you two?

DH and his mates did stuff like paint balling, water sports, hiking and camping for their stag dos.

clam · 04/08/2013 18:04

Talking to her partner would be nice, but earlier on he was of the opinion she should just 'get over it.'

Golferman · 04/08/2013 18:09

From a man's perspective this stripper/lap dance situation is so 1980's now, I have been to lap dancing clubs all over the world and they don 't do anything for me, probably based on the fact that I want a woman to fancy me for me not because I'm paying for a service (as in customer service not a car service lol). Recently a group of 8 of us went on one of my son's stag night, ages ranged from early twenties to me as the old Git of 60. We went paintballing, had a nice meal at a great restaurant, visited a few bars and then went to the casino. Quite a few drinks were had but no one got blotto nor flirted openly with any females (although two young ladies at the casino did ask if they could have their pics taken with me as they thought I looked like someone off Masterchef) either those with or without partners. We had a great day and not a stripper etc in sight. Conversely my wife went on the hen do and it was v raucous , sex toy pressies, straws in the drinks that were plastic cocks etc.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/08/2013 18:14

OP - beware the 'I was just curious' explanation your dp has given you.

If it was something drunken, that he could barely remember, a one-off, and he'd been sorry I may have forgiven him. But the 'just curious' thing worries me - it tells you that he made a decision about the lap dance. He knew your feelings on it, weighed it up, and went ahead anayway. He is not remorseful.

Men who are 'just curious' about strippers on their stag nights may very well turn into men who are 'just curious' about googling escort agencies when they have been married a couple of years, or their wives are pregnant, or whatever.

What you have to ask yourself is: are you happy to marry a man who is happy to pay women for sexual services because they are just curious. I can tell you now that not all men would want to, be happy to, or even be curious enough to pay women for sexual services. It is very demonstrative of their feelings towards women. The way he is dismissing your feelings and opinions on this subject now are also very demonstrative of how he will treat you in marriage.

And I totally agree nkf about the best man - horrible thing to say/do to a bride to be.

Think carefully.

LoveBeingItsABoy · 04/08/2013 18:20

The best man is from being the best. You dp should have reacted to the minge comment, how disrespectful

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/08/2013 18:23

I hate hen dos involving male strippers.

runningforthebusinheels · 04/08/2013 18:24

golferman - my dh says the same as you. He can't bear the thought of a woman giving him a sexual service purely because she's paid to. I don't this is that uncommon amongst men.

My dh is by no means perfect (although he's perfect to me Grin ) - but I know for a fact that he would never watch a stripper, pay for a lapdance or see a prostitute - because he gets off on an interaction between 2 adults, a mutual attraction. Not a woman wiggling for him for a tenner.

Golferman · 04/08/2013 18:28

You put it so more succinctly than me Running, exactly.

TroublesomeEx · 04/08/2013 18:28

I wouldn't be able to get past this, tbh.

I wouldn't want to ever see the 'best man' ever again.

And I wouldn't be able to forget that this was my husbands way of celebrating the fact he loved me enough to marry me.

There's no point having a bottom line if you are going to ignore it when someone crosses it.

Lazyjaney · 04/08/2013 18:29

There must be one of these a week about strippers and stag do's, and despite the week after week evidence that there are going to be strippers at stag do's everyone is shocked and horrified anew.

Darkesteyes · 04/08/2013 18:30

worrybynatureSun 04-Aug-13 11:02:29

Even my mum is of the attitude that this is just a right of passage for the stag and I need to get over it

Whenever i hear this crap from older women it smacks of.
a. Back in my day i had to put up with it so why cant you.
b. I want some grandchildren.
Believe me yr mum has her own agenda Has she come out with the classic "if you cancel now it will look bad" or are you still waiting for that gem.

NotConnie · 04/08/2013 18:33

Us 'older women' had better just shut up and fade away then, is that what you believe Darkesteyes?

OP's mum is entitled to an opinion, just like everyone else, even if it's an opinion that you don't agree with.

mcmooncup · 04/08/2013 18:38

However NotConnie, the OP's mother's comments are a little, erm, brush under the carpet or to put it technically, completely subjugating of OP's feelings.

Darkesteyes · 04/08/2013 18:39

worrybynatureSun 04-Aug-13 12:51:01

Forgot to mention me and dp have a 1 year old dd. he said he would be disgusted if she grew up and made money doing what that stripper was doing, so how can he think what he did was ok?

Be careful OP He sounds like a hypocritical mysogynist with a Madonna/whore complex.

sapfu · 04/08/2013 18:39

I don't think the 'older women' comment applies to all older women.