Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

My guess is that if you speak to stbxw she will understand where you are coming from - I suspect he will have behaved like this with her. I also bet if you think back he will have very cleverly and subtly played you off against each other for the whole of your relationship.
I've been in a relationship with a man like this - I left him after years of me thinking I was going mad... It's difficult even 2 years on as we have kids together so he still tries to manipulate and does the horrible/nice routine.
Stay strong... Build up your boundaries... Don't allow him across... Start focusing on yourself and not him... He's a leech and happiness destroyer ... Allow yourself to find happiness xxx

jackie it is not ideal to be questioning about the ex especially not about the weight issue. but- you recognise it and you recognise it is something you need to deal with for future rs (future much happier rs). however, my bet would be he played on it and it looks like his sister definitely did.

do not beat yourself up to much about the past. you have been at the mercy of an arch manipulator. they live to confuse to distract attention from their own unreasonable behaviour. it is all part of the emotional sleight of hand.

However, working on your own self esteem and boundaries certainly cannot do any harm. stay strong.
If he starts to pressure you- try to avoid talking to him in person or on the phone. if he texts think long and hard before you reply if at all. if it is not something that needs to be dealt with leave it.

and all the old MN mantras
No is a complete sentence
ignore, ignore, ignore some more
disengage
and JADE- do not justify, argue, defend or engage.

"Why the hell do they behave so ridiculously shittily then calm down and come crawling back."

Because you keep taking him back.

Miss Strawberry Because you keep taking him back.

No! because he is abusive! end of.
It is not the OPs fault.*
to suggest the OP is responsible (which surely you were not trying to do) is victim blaming.
if it were becaseu teh OP has taken him back, then he could apologise come back and never do it again. he chooses to be abusive. he chooses to do it again. The OP does not choose to be abused.

if he were not doing it to the OP he would be doing it to someone else. it is a strategy that abusers develop. it is called the cycle of abuse for a reason.
Abusers don't accidentally abuse someone and then go oh no I had better apologise. the abuse is deliberate. the apology is deliberate. it is a tactic to allow them to get away with saying what they want to say and then the apology is a tactic to prevent the survivor from bringing it up again. so the abusers gets their needs met and keeps the survivor permanently on the back foot and in a state of confusion.

The reasons why survivors take back their abusers are complex and they should not be judged for doing so. It takes time to leave. Apart from anything else it takes a long time to see through all the confustion that abusers generate and realise that really, yes, it is him, it is NOT you. It is him.

that said jackie this time, please don't engage and keep him out. it is him. he is abusive and you deserve better. Don't blame yourself for having taken him back in the past but at the same time don't think because you have taken him back in the past it means it is inevitable that you will do so this time. Stay strong.

Agree with all of that - it took me years of suffering EA before I even realised what it was... Men like this are complex and scarily manipulative. They get inside your head... Have a look at lovefraud.com
They key is to focus on you and what makes you happy... A man who can treat you with such disdain will not ever make you happy

DearJackie, how did he justify taking the whole of the money, when he was only entitled to £200? That's theft!

He didn't bother to try to justify at first he just demanded it. When I put up a fight and said I couldn't afford to give it all back he said neither could he afford to loose it. I threatened I'd call police and he said " go on then its your word against mine" I snapped and shouted at him to get out of my house and never come back. I threw the money at him because he was pulling me out of the way of the drawer I kept it in. I tried reasoning saying I'd booked the holiday in good faith. It's vile isn't it

The sad thing is you cannot reason with people like that. He knew it would hurt you, and he could do it, and so he did. It's sad, but there you have it. That's how he is. Not easy, but if you have no children together, stay away from him. He'll fade in your mind and you will be very pleased he is not messing up your life anymore.

Just a few observations...

The odd huff about an ex is ok, but it did not cause this break up.

His sister being a stirring bitch may be true, but it did not cause this break up.

Please stop analysing about the row or what he is saying to his family about you.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back. Can you see that? Yes, it came out of the blue for you but you will soon see with that new strength and anger of yours that it was coming a very very long time.

He undermined you and had you walking on shells, waiting for the next big sulk. Now, you have decided you are worth more. Bravo.

I found it helpful when engaging with ex who would plead to know what he did wrong, or turn on me and spit that it was my fault, etc to say very very calmly: you're so right, that's why I have realised we are totally incompatible and finished it.

Repeat repeat repeat. It's very hard to fight back on that one.

Let him and his family think what they want, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is YOU

How do I know if I do in fact have impossibly high demands of the person I'm in a relationship with?

He constantly told me that he did everything he could to make me happy and it was never good enough and that he always put me first and it was always about me.

I want to try to get some perspective how other women are so I can move forward and hopefully recognise if I have an issue

I expected to be spoken to decently and to discuss issues rather than argue and shout
I expect to share household chores and costs relative to earnings
I also want to be spoilt at times and made to feel really special
I want to receive affection and of course give affection
I want to feel relaxed and content

I've been made to feel I'm hard to make happy. I admit I do have issues with trust and can be possessive at times. But not to the point of making it hard for someone to breathe. It's more an underlying fear they may be lying or hiding something and a jealousy over the status the ex and mother of the children has ( or the perceived status I think she has) it was probably not as much as I thought. I do think however that all these feelings I had may have dissipated if I had been with he right man who was reassuring when i neededit not angry with me

Just want to say that writing things down like this is really helping me see things clearly and I want to make the best future for myself by being strong and working on myself where I need to

Dearjackie, how are you feeling today? I hope each day will make things seem a bit clearer to you and that you realise he wasn't the man you deserve. I know everyone is saying that the money is irrelevant and that it's a small price to pay, but I can't get over the injustice of him taking he whole amount. I certainly can't afford to lose £200 let alone £400, and the thought of him snatching the whole lot and therefore STEALING £200 from you is making me mad! Take care and I hope things work out for you. You've got a new grandchild to look forward to and I'm sure when the baby comes it will give you a whole new outlook on life.

I'm with you all the way on this one, Dear Jackie, I'm going through almost the same thing at the moment and constantly question myself - both whether I'm wrong in separating and whether I'm just ridiculously demanding. What Tightfortime said rings true and makes total sense. What I have been thinking over the last week or so re: whether I'm just very difficult to please etc, as my STBX says I am, is - whether that's true or not (and I'm sure you're not because the list of things that cause tension are obviously totally reasonable of you), it should not cause such an angry response from my partner. Couples who have mutual love and respect for each other (ie not angry and EA) can point out that occasionally their partner is being a bit of a pain in the arse without it turning into a huge, agressive row. Because everyone can be a bit unreasonable/a pain sometimes - we all know that's just normal (though you were not being unreasonable there, BTW). I totally understand your confusion, I'm in the same place virtually, but you are doing really well getting this idiot out of your life. In the end, I've decided that even if I don't meet someone that I want to spend rest of my life with (and the feeling is mutual) I'd rather be single than live with someone who shows such disdain and sometimes even hatred towards me.

From your perspective of just emerging from an abusive relationship, it is very difficult to see what is normal in a relationship. Tbh, it will take time to see it clearly, so you need some time now of not being in a relationship to think it all through.

Watching couples around you will help, as will thinking about how different behaviour makes you feel (a new one to me: feelings are an indicator to listen to but not necessarily led by... but I learnt through my abusive marriage that I should ignore my feelings).

You might want to give the Freedom Programme a go, too. I found that brilliant for thinking through how relationships should and shouldn't be.

Good to see that you are thinking about you and positive about making a better future! Remember that it doesn't have to be all about relationships.

Reg thanks for your thoughts and wishes. I'm not too bad today actually. I think I've finally reached the end of my tether with him. I keep thinking if we had got as far as him moving into my house like we were planning and then split later he would have tried to take me for everything he could I'm sure of that now. He would have had no thought of my situation or what was right or fair. Absolute arsehole.

I believe the reason he hasn't done that with wife is because he has an image to keep up as a good dad, he doesn't want her to go for more child support and maybe they don't actually have equity in the house anyway. So it all benefits him,it's not done out of fairness or the goodness of his heart

sipofwine here here! Absolutely your post really resonates with me. At time I felt contempt, disdain and yes hatred towards me to. I wish you all the best x

charlotte yes I am thinking about me. I want to make a life, enjoy myself, find myself. A man doesn't come into it yet think I'm put off for a while. I will look into freedom program

jackie just popped by to cheer you are on.

you are doing amazingly well and your list of things you want from a rs is amazingly clear and utterly reasonable. and also something you will never get from him. if you asked him he might agree to all of those thing, probably even tell you he already does all of those things but he would never stick to it.

no rs is better than this rs. but when you have moved on and recovered from this there is no reason why any rs you have in the future should not be better. i am not saying you are perfect but in this case, it is clear that he is the problem, not you.

time to focus on healing yourself. a rs such as this does things to your sense of self so give yourself time to recover and to remember your self again.

and buy yourself some F You flowers. I find even a cheap bunch from the supermarket does me the world of good because every time I see them I think I don't need him to buy me flowers. I am worth them all by myself

Dearjackie, I just wanted to say good luck and I hope you find the strength to get rid completely. Also I wanted to say your list of expectations is normal, what everyone should be getting in relationships, is the basic stuff and not for just for a few. You deserve them (the expectations) - every single one of them.

Hi all
Thanks for all your messages and support and thanks for the flowers mink I have a day off today so have been to waitrose (I love their food but don't often go there) and treated myself to some lovely food.

What shall I do about this holiday? Since he sent the email asking to me send his passport on when it arrives in the post and me relying I want him to pay his half of he lost deposit back, he didn't comment on that request just sent a txt saying he'll always love me and wished he could've been ' the one". So looks like he's no intention of giving it back and unless I choose another holiday before the 12th I will loose the £400. I'm too scared to go alone though. I've never done I and would feel awkward eating alone ect. Any thoughts anyone?

Would your DS or DD go with you?

No they can't my son will just have started at uni and my daughter has to save her leave now to add to her maternity leave

just sent a txt saying he'll always love me
... but not enough to pay you the £200. You really are well rid!

It would be really good for you to get away from everything for a week or two, but I can understand your feelings about eating alone. Eventually you will actually feel good about that, from the feeling of independence and self-assurance it will give you. You could try going out for a meal or two locally first, so see how you get on.
BTW block his number now - you don't need his txts any more.

Precisely not enough to pay his share! If he had any decency he'd do that after being with someone for four years!

I didn't reply just deleted so can't block as I don't know his number but if I get another one I will block before deleting