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Original poster

Massive row feel like I've been battered

453 replies

Dearjackie · 03/08/2013 20:05

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 14:44

I have a week off next week and we were to have spent it together. At least now I won't need to put up with him being withdrawn and off with me if we don't have sex every day. I'm going to spoil myself rotten. Could go to my sisters but its a long drive so I think il meet up with some friends including one who lives about an hour away that I haven't seen for ages, she's invited me over.

I'm going to go swimming every day and generally relax. Also catch up on stuff at home. I've put myself out for him for too long

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 14:46

Great Jackie - that's the spirit. Get out and about and enjoy the freeeeedom!

Mrmenmug · 07/08/2013 14:54

His behaviour is generally bad by the sounds of it, but to humiliate you in a phone call on speaker, to his sister is downright vicious. That shows a need to belittle, hurt and upset you. Whatever the rights and wrongs of day to day arguments caused by jealousy etc, this is cruel and sadistic, and a decent man would not act this way. He also sounds controlling and inconsistent in his mood patterns. There is a better man out there for you somewhere, you sound like a lovely sensible person. Good luck with everything.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 15:10

mrmenmug I had a little tear in my eye reading your post. If anyone is nice to me at the moment it brings me to tears I'm a bit sensitive a think.

I was just reading the post on here ways in which your partner show they care and he did all of these for me on a regular basis. BUT he hed this whole other side particularly if it involve me complaining about the ex, sometimes he would be ok but generally it would end in a row. We could not understand each other

Plus he went a step further with that phonecall I was gobsmacked to be honest that a 40 something would behave like that. Just because he felt he'd tried hard to give us all a good day and I'd " fucked up a perfectly good day" by complaining about his sisters comment ( btw I'd been perfectly pleasant to everybody all day and only expressed my hurt on the way home)c he decided to humiliate me and get back up his sister. He even said ring your sister and see what she says. He really thinks he's right. I told him not to be so ridiculous

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Inertia · 07/08/2013 15:20

Hi Jackie , a lurker on your thread popping on to say well done, stay strong!

Just an idea about the holiday deposit- is it lodged with a travel agent who could change the holiday? Would it be worth looking into whether you could exchange the holiday for one to a different place, or maybe a holiday where you travel as a group with other single people? Even if it just covers the cost of a short break? Could your DD travel on a weekend city break somewhere close to home with you?

MumnGran · 07/08/2013 15:20

I would not lose the deposit but choose another holiday with the company, that the deposit can be transferred to. Go somewhere you have always wanted to go, have an 'experience holiday' you would not have done otherwise.
Well worth seeing if any good friends might care to go with you, but if not then I would go on your own. Really, I know its scary, I was petrified the first time, but had a blast ...and would now choose the alone-time over other holidays, every time!!

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 15:27

I will look in to the weekend city break idea thank you. I I treated her she might be able to go, I know she can't really afford to pay herself at the moment as saving for the baby x

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minkembernard · 07/08/2013 16:41

I went to Barcelona on my own. it was great. If you stay in somewhere less girl like a hostel you will meet other solo travellers. it was brilliant i could go and see what i wanted when i wanted without waiting fir other people....
Or if a hostel is not your thing cpukd you get self catering appt. then you can suit yourself....
Or as others say a touring or experience.

minkembernard · 07/08/2013 16:45

Stay in somewhere less formal Blush phone sorry.

RegTheMonkey · 07/08/2013 17:00

Dearjackie will still have lost the £200 that he stole from her. But yes, perhaps draw a line under that if there's no way he's going to return it. I think it might be a bit soon for you to tackle a solo holiday, but certainly a nice city break with your daughter.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 17:15

Yes I think a solo holiday may make me feel even more lonely at the moment and I'm not feeling that strong. Am going to ring cosmos to see of they can offer anything and see if my daughter is able to take time off

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 17:16

At least if I treat my daughter I won't feel it's been lost

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 17:29

Don't treat it as a loss, Jackie. Treat it as an investment in your bright new future.

Inertia · 07/08/2013 17:35

And as well as an investment in the future as Sallying explains above, transferring the money to pay for a different holiday will be a bit of security against your (ex) partner wriggling his maggoty self back into your life. If he turns up offering you the chance to take him back so you don't lose the deposit, the holiday has already been rearranged .

Inertia · 07/08/2013 17:36

Sorry, that wasn't a very nice turn of phrase. Apologies.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 18:00

That's quite alrightinertia it's the truth. I'm wondering what to to when his passport turns up at my house. I really don't want to post it to him when he owes me that money it's galling and why should I. It's bad enough that he hasn't paid me but to do him a favour by sending it to him seems

The email he sent me he gave me his address and asked if I could post it on!! Bloody cheek. He's honestly deluded isn't he

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 18:01

seems mad

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 18:06

Post it with a second class letter stamp. It will probably be insufficient - he will have to collect it from the delivery office and pay a surcharge. :)

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 18:09

Good idea. I was thinking maybe I should say he can have it when he pays me but you know what I still don't think he would. No point really is there. How can he have such a nerve

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Inertia · 07/08/2013 18:25

I think you need to be careful about refusing to let him have his passport unless he pays you back, in case he accuses you of blackmail (irrespective of the threatening manner he used to get the money from you, you'd probably have to treat that as a separate incident- maybe consider speaking to the police about it?)

There's nothing to say that you have to accept the delivery of the passport- if it turns up with a courier you can say that that person no longer lives at this address and refuse to sign for it. If any mail turns up in the post , you can write on it 'not known at this address, return to sender'- after all, you're not allowed to open it to determine which is the passport.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 18:36

God how could it have come to this. I've loved him for 4 years this is unbelievable . I'm not feeling too good at he moment

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 18:51

Don't weaken now Jackie - remember he wants you to feel this way. He wants you to feel weak and go back to him.
That's why you are going to be strong.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/08/2013 18:59

How about a text/email to him? saying: You may not be the one, but you are the one who owes me £200 Pay me back or am taking you to small claims court.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 19:03

I'm not going to contact him but I've just suddenly started feeling upset. I can't quite believe its all happened. I still can't face speaking to anyone because I think I don't want to voice it yet. My daughter knows and some girls I work with after I broke down yesterday.

I haven't replied to my friends txt from the other day asking if I want to meet up as I don't know if I want to talk. I might ask her over Friday evening though

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 19:07

scarlet I know that probably what I should do but I can't bring myself to be harsh or get into a fight. I've had too much fighting and nastiness. So I suppose I'll just have to either ask nicely again or forget it. I don't think he's the sort to respond to a threat anyway he will just get nasty and say I've picked on the wrong person

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