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Original poster

Massive row feel like I've been battered

453 replies

Dearjackie · 03/08/2013 20:05

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 04/08/2013 22:33

PS - thinking about the trip deposit. Please do consider going to the travel agent in person. Tell them about the break-up. Tell them about the let-down. BTW, was the choice of "a country that's not nice to women travelling alone" his choice or yours? And show them your bruises.

If that doesn't at least get your deposit transferred to a holiday you can live with, I don't know what to tell ya...

raisah · 04/08/2013 22:54

Take it as a really lucky escape, he has behaved like that because you questioned his sisters' manipulative trouble making. Change the locks in the house & change your number or block his, which ever is the easiest. If you feel threatened by him then call the none emergency number for the police & let them know what's happening.

Can you get a friend/relation to go on the holiday with you instead so you don't lose the money. Some time away from home might help you to gain some perspective about this whole situation.

Glenshee · 04/08/2013 23:28

OP - "I don't know why I have taken him back several time" - on average people in abusive relationships attempt to leave 8 times, before they actually leave for good. So it's not uncommon and not your fault. Just take your chance now, and don't look back...

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 04:15

glenshee that's interesting to know. I would be on about my 4th attempt then of seriously being at the point where I know it's not sustainable anymore but for some reason feel he has a hold on me.

I must admit that makes me feel weak and pathetic and that maybe a stronger person would have been able to bin it ages ago. And yet on another level I don't feel weak and I know I'm an ok person.does that make sense? Life seems a mass of contradictions at the moment

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NorksAreMessy · 05/08/2013 06:44

Just checking in jackie to see if you managed to sleep at all.
Are you feeling like you never want him back, yet? Are you feeling that you are too good fr him? This is the start of a new, strong, independent jackie

Trivia: did you know that Jackie magazine was named after Jacqueline Wilson, the children's author, who worked for them at the time?

It occurs to me that even if you can't get the deposit back, at least you will save all the future money you WOULD have spent on the holiday.

Keep talking to us, we are on your side

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 07:00

norks thank you it's good to know I can come on here and speak to some wonderful people.

I didn't know the magazine was named after Jacqueline Wilson. Used to love getting that mag

I don't know of I feel I'm too good for him as such because somewhere I still have some feeling for him but I DO think I'm worth more than all this performance every few months. Three quarters of me never wants him back because I hate this aspect of him and a quarter of me feels like its grieving something

OP posts:
ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 07:07

Just because you feel he has a hold on you, doesn't mean you have to surrender yourself to it.

Hope you slept ok.

NorksAreMessy · 05/08/2013 07:10

You are grieving the person he could have been. Unfortunately, that was a mirage, an illusion. :(

Actually, you already sound stronger than you did when you first posted.

You are a strong, independent single woman. You are going to make a good life for yourself with no space for all the head-fuckery that being with your ex gave you. Imagine how much fuller your life will be without all that.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 08:15

Yes norks I am stronger, I think than when I first posted. Each time this happens I feel I spend I bit less time feeling totally devastated I just hope it's not because I am used to him calling me afterwards at some point if iyswim. But I think I love him a little less each time also

OP posts:
ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:16

Agree with norks' about grieving. You may have had doubts but not like this and are most likely grieving for the 'good' bits or what you thought this was, not what it is.

ClassyAsALannister · 05/08/2013 08:18

And you know, love is not a valid enough reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship.

Glad you're feeling stronger. Hope you can ignore him if he does contact you.

It's impossible to be sucked back in if you've not actually spoken to him.

wheredidiputit · 05/08/2013 08:55

As I said earlier go around your house collect everything he has left behind together. So when he does text you about collecting something then all you need to do is tell to let you know what time he will be coming so you can leave his stuff outside.

Why is he having something delivered to your address rather then his own.

Seabright · 05/08/2013 15:48

And spread your stuff out into the space his stuff one occupied. If you have a little spare cash, treat yourself to some nice smellies for the bathroom, to put where his razor/shaving foam/ whatever used to be

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 19:22

Hi back for a quick update. I have had periods of feeling quite ok today which has surprised me, so thats good. However I have just received an email from him asking if I will send him this important piece of mail when it arrives. I sent one back saying I'd like him to send me his half of the deposit I've lost on the holiday, as they will only give me a small amount back. No reply as yet, I won't hold my breath

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 05/08/2013 20:05

I understand your feelings entirely. But please be careful because if you withhold a letter that is rightfully his, he could go to the police.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 20:19

sally hmm didn't think of that. It seems so unfair. I don't believe he could have loved me, firstly to belittle me like he did on the phone to his sister and secondly to leave it to me to pay the full whack of that cancelled holiday. Incredibly all because I had a moan about his sister mentioning the stbxw whenever we visit

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 20:35

Help I've just had a txt saying he'll always love me and he is sorry he wasn't the one but he wished he was. And he hopes I'll be happy. For gods sake it's ridiculous. I think he is going to keep on now and I think he would get back with me. Why the hell do they behave so ridiculously shittily then calm down and come crawling back

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 05/08/2013 20:46

With regards his mail. You can return to sender and this will not get you in any trouble. It's his responsibilty to get address changed.

I am sorr to read of your pain Op and I really hope things improve... Flowers

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 20:51

Thanks littlepea I'm not really bothered about sending passport on tbh. I don't hate him I just hate the behaviour and its impossible to sustain a relationship with someone like this, it chips away at your love little by little.

I am hoping my appeal for him paying money he owes me will work. He usually becomes reasonable when he's calmed down

OP posts:
DamnDeDoubtance · 05/08/2013 20:53

Stay strong DearJackie you knew he would do this.

LittlePeaPod · 05/08/2013 21:06

I really hope he does the right thing and gives you his half of the deposit Op.

People's behaviour is very difficult to change without their acknowledgment that their behaviour is distructive. From what I have read on the thread he doesn't seem to truly believe he has done anything wrong. For whatever reason he has issues regarding what he perceives as criticism towards his family and not even sure where to start with regards his ex wife. On reflection and regardless of his recent / historic behaviour. The question you have to ask yourself is can you live the rest of your life like this? What would you say to your DC if they found themselves in this situation? You clearly love him and you are clearly hurting but you deserve better than this Op.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 05/08/2013 21:20

littlepea it would be impossible to live like this for the rest of my life. I have tried so hard for a long time now and whilst I could possibly possibly live with the storming off if its his way to cool down he has gone a step further this time by phoning the sister and belittling me and half of what he said to her was skewed version of the truth to show me in a bad light

Also the taking of the money whilst I was desperately begging him to pay his half because I can't afford it all. He defiantly has issues with regard to what he sees as critism of family. And he has issues with any jealousy I may occasionally show over ex wife. I'm just not allowed to show it. He tells everybody I'm obsessed with her but I'm really not its just little things piss me off. His sister will now go and tell ex that I'm obsessed and jealous probably. He didn't seem bothered about how he was painting me to her

OP posts:
minkembernard · 05/08/2013 21:32

Jackie this too is like my ex. he would say the most vile and hurtful things when angry. then calm down. half apologise and back down on the most unreasonable if the things he had done. making think that underneath it all hrs was not completely unreasonable and it was just his temper talking

However, if you think about it, was he often apologiding for something outrageous, which he backed down on so that the other things went by the wayside. i.e. apologizing for the big thing so you learn to tolerate the minor insults because they are not as bad as the big thing.
This is often part of the softening up process
You learn to accept really pretty awful behaviour because well it could be worse.

BUT beware. This stopped once he realised I was not going to take him back. he now has nothing invested in being reasonable. All he does now, is pretend whatever the most recent incident was, never happened. sadly i still have to deal with him because of kids. he has really down his true nature now.

Sadly abusers only care about themselves and their needs so if it does not benefit them or is not a vital.part of their self image they will not do it
e.g. my ex pays maintenance because being honest about money and payeng for his kid is part of his self image but actually bothering to see his kids is not so if it suits him to not see them.to. Punish me he would not think twice about not seeing them for months on end.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 06/08/2013 08:22

Can someone help with with a question I have about my own behaviour in this. I'm not looking for excuses for him but to see if I have a problem also. I am clear that his behavious is very destructive bordering on cruel ta times and that we don't work together as a couple

I will admit to feeling ' put out" at times by the wife sometimes there's no real reason for it, well not much. I do harbour some jealous feelings as she casts a lot of clout as the mother of the children and I realize that's how it should be. I love the children btw they are very well brought up lovely children. I don't give him a hard time constantly about her but will complain when an incident such as the sister thing happened. Oh and I did comment she'd lost weight which I admit I was envious of as I've gained weight. He said " so what" to which I replied " so you noticed then" this was enough to really piss him off.

Suppose what I'm getting at is don't most women feel his way at times and have a bit of a huff? I recognise its a bit immature but do I have a real problem or is it fairly normal behaviour now and again? He has made me feel its not and says I'm obsessed. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dearjackie · 06/08/2013 08:23

Btw I am not weakening but I need to see if I need to work on myself in this aspect

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