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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive row feel like I've been battered

453 replies

Dearjackie · 03/08/2013 20:05

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
Viking1 · 04/08/2013 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 15:43

I have literally deleted all his numbers and I don't know them so I won't be calling of texting. Am far too upset hurt and angry to do that anyway. Have been doing bits of gardening. I plan to join a gym this week so I can go after work

I just can't shake off this devastating feeling of Hurt and confusion. Also I am starting to have thoughts of well maybe I shouldn't have said this or that and I DON'T want to go down that route. His reaction was totally over the top as usual don't you think?

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 15:46

All this at the same time as my divorce and my ex is moving on happily with someone else. Ironic really I'm the one who left and I'm still in a mess whereas he is now happy. Not that I wish him anything bad it just makes me feel more alone than ever. I have no social life and I'm late fourties so can't see how I will pick myself up and ever meet anyone in the future

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SlimePrincess · 04/08/2013 15:49

Yes he was completely over the top. IMO he engineered it so he could have a tantrum.

Very good call deleting all his numbers.

SlimePrincess · 04/08/2013 15:54

40s is still a spring chicken, you can do anything you want to. Especially now you've not got that knobhead dragging you down.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 16:07

More details are coming back to me about the argument yesterday. He told his sister I made him shut down all his online social network sites. In fact he voluntarily did this in a bid to gain my trust back after I found his profile on MySpace sounding like he was single and wanted to date. He told me it was an old one and I gave him the benefit of the doubt.it took a lot of persuasion on his part to get me back and he closed them all voluntarily. He then twists the truth and uses it against me. He actually got into my facebook and shut it without my knowledge, denied it but later admitted it

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Seabright · 04/08/2013 16:15

Mid 40's with children old enough to look after themselves sounds ideal for starting a new social life.

The WI has had an image overhaul, what about that? Or a stitch & bitch group? What do you like doing in your spare time? Tell us and maybe we can give youbsom ideas

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 16:25

Well to be honest I don't really know. Was in long marriage bringing up children then in this relationship, so I guess I need to find myself. I enjoy reading. I don't really have hobbies as such, am always too tired after work as I have a couple of chronic health conditions. Am always open to some suggestions though please

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 16:25

I am going to nip to my daughters for a while I just rang her but will be back later x

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MissMarplesBloomers · 04/08/2013 16:45

Good for you get a hug from your DD & a good talk.

I would still get those locls change d tomorrow for your own peace of mind.

Bundle up anything that is his into black bags and put them in a cupboard if there is anything left.

Is there anything you can sell/Ebay to help moneywise? May only be bits & bobs but all helps. Can you have an advance on your salary from work?

Don't worry about paying the solicitor, they can wait until its all done & dusted, have you asked for costs to be paid by your STBE if you can?

You are being incredibly strong, the rose tinted glasses have fallen from your eyes & THAT although incredibly painful is the start to your new independance.

Seabright · 04/08/2013 16:46

Well, maybe you library run a book club?

Do you work FT? If not, your library may have a scheme for volunteers to pick books to take out to nearby residential homes? My Dad volunteers on a scheme like this at his local library and really enjoys it.

Do your health conditions limit what you can do? Should we be thinking of ideas that are a bit sedentary & restful, rather then IronMan style triathlons?

MissStrawberry · 04/08/2013 17:02

Is it really over this time? You have been through this many many times and keep posting basically the same thing which of course is fine but what do you want from the posting if you are just going to take him back again?

It is like you are both addicted to each other in a really bad way and don't work together but aren't mature enough to walk away for good.

wheredidiputit · 04/08/2013 18:30

I hope you doing Ok.

I would go around your house and collect anything of his that he has 'left'. So should he turn up you can give him everything when he turns up.

What post is he waiting for.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 21:08

I work almost full time hours so any interests would need to be weekend or evening based, having said that the evenings I'm pretty exhausted. I have fatigue and muscle and joint problems so can't do anything too physical

miss strawberry yes I have posted many times before and I realize nobody can solve my problems but me so I think what I'm really looking for when I post is to realease some of the hurt and upset I am feeling and try to make sense of the shock. I don't know why I have taken him back several time except to say he is manipulative and devious and can make me believe its just another bad argument. Isnt this what the cycle of abuse is like? I don't think it's immaturity but I think your correct when you say it's like we are addicted to each other in a bad way

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Seabright · 04/08/2013 21:13

But you have recognised your addiction & are taking steps - you've started by blocking his numbers, haven't you?

MissStrawberry · 04/08/2013 21:21

You know he is manipulative and devious so learn to not fall for it. Being addicted is dangerous and not a grown up way to have a relationship. Make your choice and stick to it.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 21:31

seabright yes I have got rid of all numbers. I know beyond a doubt that I wouldn't contact him, I never have before its always him in the end even if it takes 2 weeks. Then he has seemed to be able to suck me back in again that is my weak point. If he never contacted me it wouldn't have started up again. And yes I know I should have ignored him and its this bit I need to work on

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ClassyAsALannister · 04/08/2013 21:39

Well done.

Ignore him. You owe him less than nothing!

PedantMarina · 04/08/2013 21:48

Glad to hear you've spent some time with your daughter today. Please PLEASE tell me you've talked to her and got her support (doesn't have to be anything apart from Just Believing You and saying "I'm on your side, Mum".)

Late 40s is not the end of life. BTW, I am now 49, and my social circle just keeps growing and growing. Hell, some of my new friends are in their 50s, 60s, even 70s and they're still racing off to fun weekends (we're viking reenactors). It all starts with hobbies and grows from there.

You've got evenings and weekends free - that's better than some! (think about retail workers who don't even have weekends). No matter what you do, if conventions are in your future, you've got the weekends to do that.

But, like my (and others') advice about another man in your life, don't feel you have to get involved with A.N. particular hobby until you feel more like yourself, and even know what interests you. This is why the getting IRL support/packing twunt's stuff/pampering yourself stuff is the highest priority.

Just saying, Life Ain't Over. And when you're shot of twunt, you'll see that it's just getting good.

PedantMarina · 04/08/2013 21:57

Oooh, just saw (previously) that you deleted his numbers and don't know what they are. Now I see that it's entirely him contacting you. If he rings, you won't know it's him until he picks up! By which time he'd be well into his patter.

OK, if a total stranger on Mumsnet knows this, then you must surely know this. How are you going to deal with it WHEN (not if) this happens? You HAVE TO have your own patter in reply. Can be very simple: "you have until XX to collect your things: then they're on the skip" should to nicely.

THEN DO IT - don't let him lead by example in promising something that you won't see through.

Oh, if there's any chance at all, please do find his numbers, re-enter them in your phone (but don't use his name - list them under "Asshole" or similar), then you'll be ready WHEN he does ring or, better, just reject the call.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 21:59

pedant yes I told my daughter and her partner, she believes me because she's seen it all happen before and I know she's on my side without her having to say anything. She also is probably thinking ' he's off on one again" cos this is what he does. As she tried to explain to her partner who hasn't seen it happen before " when he's nice he's great but he has this other extreme side to him"

The Viking weekends sound fun. Where do I start finding out about things? The Internet I guess is a good place?

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 22:03

He normally always contacts the first time with a txt and I know the last 3 digits of his number just can't remember the rest. It normally behind with him pretending he's calling to arrange to pick up something. Then I get drawn into debating who said or did what and how what I did or said provoked him. Maybe I should keep responding with " yes that's why we are not right together"

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 22:06

begins not behind

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PedantMarina · 04/08/2013 22:18

Excellent! Talking to your daughter and her partner is a great start, and you need to continue with the momentum.

re Hobbies: Well, you start with what you like. You said you like reading but i didn't get a handle on what kind of books. You didn't mention anything much about liking sewing or other crafts but maybe you do. Historical reenactment kinda requires a bit of interest in history (or at least, How People Used to Live).

All the more reason for you to spend a bit of time, initially, to just Find Yourself again. Do the pampering, the house-clean, etc. You can't know what you'll like until you're at least most-way apart from this leech.

Have gorgeous sleep tonight.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 04/08/2013 22:24

I'm not a craft sort of person at all. Do like history, love costume dramas on tv, looking at historical/ archaeological sites. Like the Tudor period and the Georgian period also. Anyway will find something eventually I guess

Thanks pedant I'm going to try to sleep as have work tomorrow and didn't sleep last night

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