Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

[Cerisier]

If it is a resort holiday I wold go anyway if I were you. Relax by the pool and read some books. A change of scene is a good idea when you need time and space to think and rest.

[Dearjackie]

I have relied on my stbxh and him for years and don't know if I have the confidence to go alone besides which if I go go I still owe another£400 which I can't afford

hesterton I'm frightened that you may have a point. I'm not sure whether I am seeing it as inevitable that wel get back together. Probably because this is how it's been and I've been conditioned by him. I know that I need to break this

[Bumblebee78]

Better to have loved and lost than live with a psycho forever!
Id try to be brave and walk away. I had an ex like this and it took me years to get away. I was mentally in a mess, questioning everything i thought.

He sounds insecure and like he pushes people to he limit, just to then turn round looking for sympathy and trying to be the innocent party.

[Dearjackie]

Where do you suggest is the best place for counselling?

bumblebee yes he bends over backwards to portray himself as the innocent party and yet accuses me of this very thing. Often he will suggest getting on the phone to his family members in the middle of an argument to prove a point. This is the first time he's actually done it though, which is a step further again isn't it. I have a nice big bruise on my arm now

[nkf]

Thank your lucky stars he walked out. Go on the holiday. Don't take him back. Enjoy the rest of your life.

[Fraggle74]

Dearjackie

Just want to say well done for how you have stood up to him and everything you are feeling makes sense. I left a similar sounding relationship 14 months ago when our DS was 9 months.

He was also Jekyll and Hyde and the arguments were awful. There is no room for reasonable discussion as they can't take feedback of any kind on their behaviour not matter how kindly or gently you put it. I held on too cos I couldn't understand how he could be so amazing and lovely and fun and then switch to this ogre verbally abusing me.

So I understand how you feel about wanting to feel strong and like you are better off without him but not quite buying it yet! They mess with your mind and self esteem - I was a shell of myself by the end - an emotional wreck never knowing where I stood or what was coming next.

There is hope though. From what you have said about not talking about the relationship to anyone in RL anymore, sounds like you know deep
Down this relationship is dysfunctional. Just hold onto that knowledge that this is the right thing to be split from him.

That will get you through. That doesn't mean it will be easy, doesn't mean there won't be difficult encounters with him to sort stuff out or loneliness. I have had some really tough times this past year - tears, reflection, felt I still loved him, like I would never be over him BUT gradually it has got easier and my life is stable without him and the arguments.

I don't think you have any kids with him so like others are saying, you have a chance to have a quick split from him. You have your own house so once his stuff is gone the stress of dealing with this man will be gone and that will help you feel calm again.

Good luck. I know how agonising it all is but hold on to knowing you deserve better.

[myroomisatip]

He sounds rather like my Ex. It took me years to get away so I am wishing you all the strength in the world.

Be kind to yourself. Get the locks changed for sure, and definitely do not speak to him. Block his number or turn off your phone. He is manipulative and abusive and you really will be better off without him.

[KittyVonCatsworth]

My goodness dearjackie, how old is this manchild? What I'm reading, I'd expect similar behaviour from an immature 14 year old. Leaving over 10 times, telling you it's over numerous time, telling you to finish it? Honestly? Agree with the others. You've had a lucky escape; grown up, adult relationships are not supposed to be like this. I can't imagine how exhausting it all is.

Why did him and his ex split? Who called time on it? It sounds as if he's still reeling from that. Especially if it was her that called time; an element of him losing control over another.

You should a sensible, switched on person, please do not let this manchild drag you down. I think you should go on holiday by yourself; it's so liberating and does wonders for your confidence. I went to morocco by myself, and yeah, it was a bit daunting, but I did it.

Go for it. Your new life as a confident, beautiful, strong woman starts today xxx

[ClassyAsALannister]

Women's aid is for anyone in or leaving an abusive relationship. You certainly qualify!

You're in shock and heartbroken but it won't last forever. But he'll always be an abusive pig.

[minkembernard]

Jackie he really does sound like a carbon copy of my ex. They think they are so unique and special but they are not.
My ex played all these games. and when we split numerous times,i too stopped telling people because i thought it was inevitable he would be back. it is like quitting smoking. Only you can decide this time it really is for good.

Like smoking you know it is bad fir you. the longer you do it the worse it gets.and it is easy to go back to. the worst bit is the first few weeks. but also like smoking once you have quit you start to feel better.

Tell someone in rl that this time it us gore good.Actually say out loud he has been abusing me. i know i have taken him bavkstop before but this time i want to be the last. i found that helped enormously. before that most people thought we were a bit stormy. once i had admitted out loud what e had done they were supportive but it also helped me draw a line.


i take it he has somewhere else to live, as did my ex, which made him walking out and acknowledge in again much easier but ultimately it also made getting rid if him easier. no property to split etc.
although we do have kids and that means i can never be properly free and they have to put up wit having a child for a father.

The poster above who says he is like a teenager is spot on. i split with my x very suddenly during a row where he was calling me allsorts in front of our children.

Because he is a player he will move on before too long. they don't generally like to beg. so just let him go.
nothing can drag you down if you are not holding on. So let go of this millstone of a man. yes you will miss him sometimes but you will recover.

You have to mentally put your foot down and decide no more. i really do know his tough that is. try not to speak to him at all. if he phones just say it is over and put the phone down. don't argue don't get drawn in.
Think JADE. don't justify don't argue don't defend don't engage. if he says you are terrible you did x y z just agree and say we are better off apart. it is over.

ot will leave a bitter taste. you will never convince him you are not the one to blame. he will never realise he is an abusive twunt.

All you can do is walk away.
Revenge is a life well lived Jackie


sorry for typos. on phone.

[minkembernard]

For good...not gore
and taking him back not bavkstop. !!


sorry for all the random words hope you can make sense of that post. the predictive text on my phone is a menace!!

[Dearjackie]

Thanks again for all the support its really helping me

fraggle your post is great its showed me I'm not going mad and that someone else has been there, not that I would wish this on ANYBODY. The bit about no room for reasonable discussion as they can't take feedback on their behaviour is so spot on. Yes it's hard to fully accept the type of person he shows himself to be at these time. I think it might help me of I think of it as just one facet of his personality rather than him being evil and his mask slipping. However it's a facet IMPOSSIBLE to change or live with

fraggle thank you for your wishes

kitty I was thinking the very same thing. It is the behaviour you'd expect from an immature 14 yr old and I said that to him whilst he had his sister on the phone. It's not how a mature committed relationship should be I know. This is why I've stopped speaking to people in RL because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I haven't called a stop to it. The first thing people will say is get rid why have you put up with it?

Honestly I don't know and unless you've been through similar manipulation and none of my RL friends or family have they will never understand

[Anniegetyourgun]

When it gets to the slapping and the bruising it is definitely time to end it. It doesn't matter who started it or who hit whom first, it's over.

I notice you've said at least twice in this thread that you relied on him or that you thought you had someone you could rely on, but clearly you couldn't do anything of the sort. The nearest thing to reliable one can say about him is that he at least let you know you were going to come home and find him gone . You never knew when something you said would be taken and flung back in your face with fury. Instead of standing up for you to his family he recruited them to help him slag you off. You really could not rely on him, and yet you still kept trying to. It's an imaginary support you've lost. Like using a broken walking stick held together with sellotape. You walk differently because it's there but you don't really dare lean on it. When it's gone you feel funny for a bit, but will actually learn to walk better without it.

I would also add that your reluctance to dump on your children does you great credit. However, they're adults now, and although you still rightly don't want to use them as crutches, they'd probably be absolutely delighted that you're finally getting rid of that dead weight dragging you down. I'm willing to bet that if you rang your daughter right now and gave her the cut-down version on the lines of "I've left x for good, I feel a bit shit at the moment but I know it's for the best", she wouldn't have a big shock and be carted off to hospital as you fear; she'd be a lot more likely to say "Oh thank goodness, I thought you'd never get round to it".

And lastly: it's clichéd but it's true that you are never as alone on your own as you are in a bad relationship.

[minkembernard]

Annie well said.

OP you would be surprised. lots of my rl friends were much more understanding than i thought i deserved. i too felt really ashamed and humiliated. but now with more perspective I can see that the abuse was husband fault not mine. and hiding in shame allows Abusers to get away with it.

He should be ashamed not you.

If you say it was abuse,which it is then they will understand.
you put up with it because you loved him. Simply as that. but no more. spend some of your love and compassion on yourself.

And if you come to the EA thread everyone there will understand and their stories may help you too. they will have no trouble recognizing him.

have a look at th outof the fog website.

[Dearjackie]

mink thanks for posting sounds as though our ex's are indeed very alike. Tantruming over things I say that he doesn't want to hear or discuss and reacting wildly out of proportion to the supposed thing I've said wrong

I need to find the courage to spell put to people exactly what's been going on. I have told mysister bits before and she knows we have split a few times but I don't think she understands the real nature of it all and it's so hard to explain. I thought I might get her to read this post

I must admit I didn't realize what emotional abuse was until MN

[Anniegetyourgun]

Oh yes, I've been there too. It took 25 years before I finally saw the light. Congratulate yourself on getting there in a mere 4!

[Dearjackie]

annie your sooo right. It's not real support when he snatches it away at the drop of a hat is it? All because I've annoyed him. He kept telling me throughout the relationship all the ways he helped me mainly practical things because my physical health is not great and I can't always manage to mow lawn ect.

Yes it's true that instead of having empathy for me in the sister situation he was angry at me for mentioning it/ critising her or him. I have wondered why he rang her and I believe you are right, he "recruited" her to assist him in making me in the wrong. How bloody immature and despicable can you be

He has gone out of his way to make my children like him which on the face of it looks great, but im not sure they understand his true nature. Also I'm still hearing about how he's better to my kids than their own dad is and how he took my daughter to A and E TWO YEARS ago. He even told that story to his sister during the phonecall yesterday

[Anniegetyourgun]

Read your Lundy Bancroft - it's all in there.

It's also not support if he keeps going on about it. Partners do support one another, it's what partnership means. Doing the good stuff doesn't buy you a licence to do the bad stuff.

Did you go on about every time you cooked a meal for him or did his laundry? Bet you didn't.

[PedantMarina]

Woke up to quite the updates! Hadn't heard about the bruising, but this proves even more what needs to be done.

If you spend any time on the Relationships/Emotional Abuse threads and hear the horror stories about women who are more trapped than you've been, you'll soon come to realise that, comparatively speaking, this man handed your freedom to you on a plate with cress round.

You have no children together. You own your own home. AFAIK you have no real financial obligations together. You do have a RL support network, if only you have the courage to use it.

Tell your son and daughter. Take pictures of the bruises - you never know if you need them later (either to remind yourself or perhaps for any police support).

Pack up twunt's things, maybe get your son to help. Send one simple text message to twunt saying "your things are ready to be collected at XX time". Have your son with you when twunt collects them.

Stop finding reasons twunt has been nice or good or whatever. Let the godsdam grass grow for a bit - small price to pay for your freedom.

[Dearjackie]

I keep feeling physically sick it's the shock I think. Even I never thought he'd behave this badly . I really can't afford to loose all that money £200 should have been his share of the deposit and because I hadn't banked it in time and he took it back I've ended up paying the full £400

I know people keep saying its a small price to pay to rid myself of him but I've have a £400 solicitor bill to pay as well and that's just the start of the bills with the solicitor. What am I going to do

[Dearjackie]

I have rung the holiday agent but tour operator not open till tomorrow they will see what they can do for me. Please help I can't stop crying. I am furious and heartbroken all at once. I have allowed his to happen how fucking dare he. Everything I thought would happen has gone now and he doesn't give two shits about leaving me in this mess

[Anniegetyourgun]

No, he doesn't. Your anger is useful as it will give you the strength to keep him out of your life.

I do hope the agent is able to get at least some of your money back. There's not many of us rich enough in this day and age to wave goodbye to £200 even without a divorce going on.

[Dearjackie]

annie it's £400 because I paid his half until he got paid but he took all the cash back off me. So not only have I lost his half of deposit but mine also. He has killed my love and I hope it stays that way. He's done so much to me

[Dearjackie]

Sorry to keep coming and posting her in drips and drabs but I've nobody to talk to and feel so alone. My kids are out for lunch with heir dad and his partner and my daughter goes away tomorrow for a week. My sister is away and all my friends are busy with their families and I've not had much contact with them lately anyway. I am beside myself and have never felt so miserable I never thought I'd feel like this at my age