Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

I'm thinking he's probably got someone else lined up

quite possibly but that is her loss, sadly.
beware though, just because they no longer want you/move on most abusive men like to keep a wee toe in the door just so they can give you the odd kick now and again.

I worry that I'm not going to find anyone I'm that physically attracted to again

ah but you might. and they might actually be a decent human being too.
give yourself some time first though. sort out what you actually want and decide on your boundaries. (says mink giving advice she really needs to take herself)

Am awake again wish I could sleep :( sat here last night looking through all my old threads on MN to remind myself of some things he's done and its dreadful when I look back, also that's not everything, they were only the very worst, most wretched times that I posted on here. There was lots of milder stuff also.

mink thanks for sticking with me, it helps more than you know to read your words. I can't even tell my mum about his yet, not sure why but I know both her and my sister won't really understand although they've always thought he's a bit odd. My sister once said she didn't think he was abusive but just had a bit if a temper and was a bit strange. I can't explain him, it seems to be only on here that people know where I'm coming from

Morning Jackie.

Keep digging for that self respect.

Have you been advised to look at the emotionally abusive relationships thread? You may recognise bits of your ex on there.

You're not alone.

Teeny

Thanks teeny I'm sure the self respect is in there somewhere it may be buried under a mountain of confusion, disbelief and hurt at the moment but its there. It's self preservation that's taking over just now I think because this relationship was destroying me, I can see that.

Even when I think thoughts such as has he got someone else? Is he going back to the ex? And did he ever love me? I am able to think well actually it doesn't matter, the relationship didn't work anymore and I was unhappy. In the past when we argued and he walked I would dwell on thoughts such as those. So perhaps it is a step forward

I don't think I could love anyone again though. Is that because I still love him? That worries me

Jackie you will still have feelings for him for a long time. all kinds of feelings. anger love resentment regret jealousy fondness concern contempt sympathy. they take to work through. when you know you are ready for something new is when you arrive at indifference.

I am still on this train journey and it seems to go through several of the stations more than once right now i am in a rather unpleasant place called Loathing!

I like the train journey/station analogy mink :) will bear there it mind.

I hope your ok. Do you mind me asking how long you've been on your particular train?

That not there

7 months. but we have two dcs that he is currently ignoring to get at me. hence the loathing. If i did not have to deal with him because of the dcs i would be further down the line. But I am much better than I was. I have definitely left the town of WasItMe far behind. Although I still pass through Guilt quite frequently, but less than I used to.

They say give yourself a year.

Have had to come back to vent. Was hoping to take mt daughter away with me instead ang hoping to transfer the £400 deposit to another holiday ( she doesn't want to fly too far as will be 7mths pregnant) however holiday agent is slapping on a £200 admin, change of name and change of destination fee. Leaving me with £300 more to pay so that will be a total of £735 for a 5 night half board holiday!!!!! The original hol was 10 nights all inclusive. It's outrageous and I can't do it. I will have to kiss goodbye to £300 of the deposit.

And forget the holiday completely. I HATE him for putting me in this position, how fucking dare he

Oh, how completely awful! Not surprised you're furious.

Sorry to hear your DSis didn't "get" him - it's symptomatic of the EA, unfortunately. I have given up explaining it - only people who've experienced it seem to get it. Someone on the EA thread suggested explaining how it made you feel, as this is harder to write off than describing things which sound like trivialities to a lot of people. The intention behind the action makes it entirely untrivial, but a bad intention is hard to spot unless you've lived with it - and if you claim it to those who haven't seen it, you just sound bitchy and petty.

mink - often EA partners are very unflushable :o :o Revolting but very apt. Love it!

Hi charlotte have cancelled holiday, in a way wondering what to do about it was the worst thing. Now I've actually decided and done it I feel it's another problem off my mind.

You are spot on when you said its difficult to explain and for many to understand unless they've experienced it. I often used to get told "well end it then" or "I thought you were stronger than this" and they are unaware of the way your mind is messed up by the person doing the EA

Stbxw-what does that stand for sorry new to mn and just wanted to know before posting

Soon to be ex wife

Thanx mink

In relation to his sister asking about stbxw I think it is insensitive to bring her up in front of you and obviously would make anyone feel uncomfortable. I think you should just take some time to yourself now to work out what you want.

Yes I am going to spoil myself, do what I want and put myself first. I don't need a man :)

Dearjackie - just want to say I know exactly what you mean about not being able to explain him. I have tried to discuss my relationship with EA partner with my sister (who has a very happy marriage). On the one hand she says that she can't believe it ever went this far and it sounds abusive but on the other hand she hints at my faults and failings and I find myself constantly justifying how I am going to explain the split, once it happens, to my family and friends. I think they just see him as having a bit of a temper, too, but I find him much more 'complicated' than that - and I don't even understand why. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter what other people think. You know, deep down, that you'll be happier without him in the long run.

sipofwine yes it's much more complex than having a bit of a temper isn't it. My ex also used passive aggression and would stonewall or sulk and deny anything was wrong.

I think the difficulty with talking to family about these issues ( unless they are the type like ex's who will never admit fault) is that our families know us too well and therefore know our faults. So they attribute part of the blame to us because in a non abusive relationship it often is six of one and half a dozen of the other. It's almost impossible to imagine want these men can be like until you've been involved with one

Even now I still can't fully accept he's emotionally abusive and feel I might be over dramatising it all. But I've lost count of how many times he's verbally attacked me and I've have literally felt like I've been beaten up.

I hope you will find strength to leave if you feel,that's what you need to do, it takes time to reach that point but I wish you all the luck xx

Hi everyone. I'm back for a bit more support encouragement and handholding please. Have had a nice day out with daughter mother ect now have come home to an empty quiet house when he would have been here and I just feel a big gap, something is missing and I feel sad.

Don't get me wrong I'm not going to contact him and don't want to go back, I just feel sad. Also, and please feel free to set me straight if you think I'm wrong but I've started to think his behaviour was temper bourne out of frustration that he thought he couldn't convince me that his family and himself weren't putting the ex first all the time.He often said that he was trying his very best to make me happy and didn't feel anything he did was enough. This has caused me to feel I'm difficult to please

Hi Jackie

Read your first post again. Remember what a shit he is/has been. Of course there's a void in your life, it's early days, but you don't want Mr twistwhatyousayanddo so you appear to be the one that's unreasonable. You'll be back to square one.

Remember the lovely time you've had today. Would it have happened if he'd been there? You've come back to an empty house. Run yourself a bath. What's on the telly that you fancy? Even a glass of wine? Glory in your own company. Nobody is better than anybody, especially an anybody who makes you feel so bad.

Teeny.

X

Thank you teeny you are right. If he had been there i probably wouldn't have had such a nice time and I would have been made to feel we had to have sex even though I'm tired this evening. X

Ahh, I still love being in the house when he's not here. Try, as Teeny suggests, to make it into a positive!

No, it's not just temper - as you said yourself upthread. A good man who felt he couldn't convince you that his family weren't putting the ex first would be concerned - and would most likely tell his sister to quiet down (esp as she seemed totally out of order the other day). Frustration comes from feeling that what another person is doing is wrong and wanting to change them, wanting to control their behaviour.

He is a fuckwit and you are well rid!

:) thank you

glory in your own company
What a brilliant sentiment.