Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

:o That sounds a bit bossy, doesn't it, really?

Just because you said you were concentrating on you... and said earlier you needed a good night.

Morning All

I have not slept much and don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm worried because I seem to have taken a step backwards is that normal?

I am crying a lot and starting to feel like I've lost something!!!!! Before I felt quite numb but a bit angry. I can't get over the way his sister and him have teamed up against me. Yes I know I shouldn't care but at the moment I do.

I just feel like i have nowhere to turn everyone in RL has heard it before. He's painted me as mad and a totally obsessed and he can't live with it.

Maybe I was I can see now that I was jealous of the wife and did give him a hard time sometimes. Please talk some sense into me

Come on Jackie! Dig down and find your self respect. He is a turd. Read your OP again, remind yourself of what a twat he is and how you DO NOT NEED HIM!

This awful feeling is a finite one. Tomorrow you'll feel a tiny, tiny bit better, the next day a tiny bit better still - and ad infinitum. Stick with your family and friends. YOU DO NOT WANT HIM!

And after the shitty way he's treated you, you can't possibly love him?!?! Come on! Find your self R.E.S.P.E.C.T!

Teeny

I don't want him I couldn't have him back after that but I'm scared I'm damaged and I'm scared that I behaved badly and will repeat it in any future relationship. How do I get past this?

Ah, sweetie. Sorry you're feeling bad this morning.

Are you saying that you're scared that you don't know what's right and what's wrong in a relationship any more? Go easy on yourself: you have been dealing with an abusive man and trying to believe that he is a nice man. He has always been so sure that his way of doing things is right, so you have become confused at what you thought you knew. After all, he is so selfish, so determined to get his way and his only, so ready to humiliate to make his point, is he not? And living with that for a while has a tendency to make one wonder if that's what everybody's like really, and maybe you're the unusual/gullible one.

It will take time. Well done for staying strong and still being determined that you couldn't have him back. Give yourself a few months away from him and - probably in a matter of weeks - you will see things more clearly.

And if you don't, there's always the Freedom Programme. Which is very depressing for looking into the minds of men like the one you've been unfortunate enough to encounter... but is also very liberating because it shows you just how utterly wrong they are and how much nicer the rest of the world is!

Jackie yes this is pretty normal.
you have lost something. you have lost the hope of the future you thought you had together where you thought he would treat you well and you would be happy. and now you are grieving. IT is normal. The grief is often worse when you leave an abusive relationship because it has done an injury to your sense of self.

You can recover. but it takes time. I personally really resent that time. I think it is not fair. but I am just knuckling down and getting on with it. because there is no other choice.

Reading Lundy will help. I have another book on recovery from abuse- I will go and look up the title. also counselling is a god place to start and the FP as charlotte says.

Also the EA thread. it really is an enormous help. I would not have got through had it not been for that thread. it has really helped me clear away a lot of the fog and confusion. I can see that the women on that thread are, like me and like you, normal women who went out with horribly damaging men. They have all been through rough times. some still are in rough times butare still a great source of help and camaraderie.

as we say, if you have rant we have . so please do come and post. you may find it really helps to see how others are getting on with their recovery.

Hi
Well I got through work even though I was knackered. It did me good to take my mind off things actually.

charlotte I not scared that I don't know what's right or wrong in a relationship. I'm scared I was the wrong one. I'm scared my behaviour about the wife caused his. Then again I think even if I was a total pain in the arse if he wasn't horrible he could've needed it in a nicer way surely.

I'm only going over this because I want to get things straight in my head and learn from it if I need to alter my behaviour. Oh my god I sound like him talking when I say I need to alter my !behaviour. Anyway thanks mink and charlotte for your help I am going to try to sort that holiday out now and will be back later x

dearjackie it is normal to feel jealous sometimes and normal to say so but the normal response is reassurance that there is nothing to worry about...that's where it went wrong, his response , not your feelings.

He is a nasty piece of work isn't he. On a positive note I think my daughter can come away somewhere with me so hopefully I'll be able to change the destination as we don't want to fly too far with her being preganant

Oh, that's good news.

:o at "I think this. Then again this. Argh, I sound like him!" Hope you don't mind me grinning, but it sounds very familiar!

You are doing very well. It's not you!

Not at all grin away, I even had a little grin writing it. And thank you thank you thank you for your support. I'd have totally lost it without MN

Well done Jackie on getting through the day, and arranging a holiday with your daughter. It will get better every day.
But I have to slap you gently on the wrist for mentioning him again. He is now in the past - something nasty that came into your life and has now gone. The future is about you.

I know sally but i feel I have to mention him as its my way of working my way through this and make sense of it all in my head. I can't wipe it out and pretend it never existed. Last night particularly I felt dreadful and I find its better if I acknowledge that x

It's true - you do need to process it and that will take time. You'll go through (and already have) a heap of emotions, too, and nasty as they are, they're all normal and natural and help in the healing and moving on.

Understood

Fuck him.

Say it in the mirror until you mean it.

I'm sorry about the Facebook thing but the desire to get the last word is one of the ways abusers get you to go back. Letting that injustice go I'd hard but it's what you have to do.

Hi again dearjackie. I felt all these things you felt a year ago when I left my verbally abusive ex. I too tried to 'be strong' an tell myself I was better than that etc etc. BUT I felt like crap and I felt confused and scared and weak cos I didn't understand how I could love him and also hate him and also didn't like the way I had behaved towards him - jealous etc. so what did I do? I held onto the fact that I knew I had made the right decision to split (maybe easier for me as I had 9 mth old baby and knew i couldn't let him be around those rows anymore). And I cried and I felt crap and I bored my friends with it and my mum and my work mates. And I cried. And I had horrible thoughts and couldn't bear the feelings sometimes. And gradually some days got easier and then an awful day would appear again. And each time I had I remind myself of something awful he had said to remember why this was the right decision. And I had to commit to that decision. But it was sooo hard, like beating an addiction! And that was hard to get my head round why I was the kind of person to feel like that.

This guy my ex can still upset me as he plays mind games and was being awkward about sorting access to our son last weekend. And it really upset me and made me feel wobbly again and panicky. But two days later I am calm again.

What I mean to say is, it's ok to feel how you do, jut accept those feelings, use MN and phone helplines if you need to. But pls have faith you are not alone and you will get through this and you have made the right decision.

I found evenings and mornings the hardest. It will get easier I promise

X

I feel your pain, jackie-the emotional abuse, the money, the constantly needing a shag, the drama, the lies, the making me feel crazy, the checking ow on Facebook, the falling out with his mum, the sleepless nights-all while looking after four children and trying to hold down a job.

I went to the docs, explained everything. They started me on a short couse of anti dprsts. I was able to find strength, I was able to say no and I was able to value myself.

It was the only best decision ever. We are friends and he is a good dad .

This man sounds distasteful. & if his sister had any respect for you at all, she wouldnt have mentioned the ex-wife. No doubt he's been bitching to his sis about you anyway. A holiday with him sounds a nightmare - you'd be on tenterhooks re. whether he'd blow his top over something or other. I know it can be hard to leave an emotionally abusive relationship - but if you dont then in years to come you will look back down the 1 life you have, and ask yourself why you wasted years allowing a dysfunctional, unkind man to intertwine himself into your life. You werent born with him, & you will not die for lack of him. You cant even speak to him about a remark that upsets you, without him jumping down your throat and making a 3 act drama out of it?! You are a very patient woman, I wouldnt be able to take the noise, stress histrionics of it all. This man is an emotional abuser and he doesnt deserve you. Treat yourself..go on holiday alone or with a mate, pamper yourself, seek support from family/friends. Whatever it takes, and more. But please dont sell yourself short for a man like this - its just not worth letting him ruin your life.

A bit of hand holding needed please. I've just kept going all week at work and now got home knowing I've got the weekend and all next week off ALONE and I burst into tears. The holiday is proving difficult to sort out but am still hoping I can rearrange. Feeling very down this evening

I feel like I want to hide away and hibernate. I have just notice thet on the email he sent me the other day asking for his mail to be sent and saying sorry it ended like that. Have just noticed the email is just my name not the pet name he used to send it to me as, so he must have changed what he got me down as I his phone contacts now

Jackie sad though that is, I would take it as a good sign. It indicates he might let go quite easily. often EA partners are very unflushable. they just keep coming back and/or interfering in your life.

Maybe think of something that needs doing for your week off. sometimes i feel better for making some progress with something. like repairs or repainting, cleaning carpets. so i can hide away but don't feel like i have wasted a day. i put on pre FW music that he did not like and sing along loudly.

I think he will let go easily this time ( tho he hasn't before) because I get the feeling he's 'done with' me. I think I've proved to me more hassle than I am of use to him iyswim.

I have just made a list of things that need doing at home, plus loads of paperwork for my divorce! Putting on music he didn't like should be a sinch he hated all the stuff I liked

I feel upset though because I'm thinking he's probably got someone else lined up and I worry that I'm not going to find anyone I'm that physically attracted to again. I need to sit and remind myself about his shitty behaviour