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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Massive row feel like I've been battered

453 replies

Dearjackie · 03/08/2013 20:05

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/08/2013 19:11

the one who owes me £200

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 07/08/2013 19:12

Yes, and it is probably best not to engage with him at all anyway, sorry just getting cross on your behalf about the money Flowers

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 20:14

I took my engagement ring off in his car when he said " well finish with me then" and left it there. Wish I'd kept it now at least I could have flogged it

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minkembernard · 07/08/2013 20:14

You need time to grieve Jackie. Let it out. just because you have got away from some one horrid does not mean that you will be tap dancing. well not just yet anyway.

Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 20:18

No, don't ask him again. He'd love you to come begging and it will do you no good.
You have friends here. Stay with us and we will support you.

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 20:19

I feel like he's really done me over to be honest tonight. He's even got the bloody ring back. He's taken the piss emotionally and financially

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 20:27

But he has lost the most important thing of all - he's lost you. He wants you back and he can't have you. That's infinitely more important than the ring.

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 20:32

I wish I knew he does want me back, it would mean he cared. That's not because I would go back but at least then I would know he was feeling loss

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 20:36

Time to stop thinking about him. Think about you and your bright future out of his controlling.

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 20:38

I'm wallowing a bit tonight aren't I, not sure why. I need to get a good nice sleep as got work tomorrow so don't want to wake up in the night

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Sallyingforth · 07/08/2013 20:40

Yes. Sleep tonight and tomorrow think about that holiday.
Goodnight!

Inertia · 07/08/2013 20:46

On the plus side you haven't paid out for spending money on holiday, a wedding to an abusive bully or a divorce , so that's saved you enough for a takeaway and bottle of wine with your friend .

Try not to think about his feelings - he doesn't deserve your head space. Sleep well.

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 21:05

Help please I'm a real mess tonight. I know I shouldn't and I'm not even on facebook but I looked to see if I could see his wife's profile or his sisters and it seems they've both gone private they can't be found. That's a big coincidence isn't it? Why would that be? I know I need to stop this and I've been so strong but I'm imagining all sorts now. He must've had something to do with this

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Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 21:10

My god what if the sister has repeated what he was saying on the phone to her about me being obsessed ect and it might be an idea to privatise her facebook. What he was saying was fucking totally over the top.

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minkembernard · 07/08/2013 21:17

jackie i will admit to having done this kind of thing myself. it gets you nowhere. the whole lot of them can FOTTFSOF. you don't need them. who cares what they say? As you don't need to see any of them ever again it really does not matter.

Let go. it is hard. but let go.
He is not going to be in your life and they are not going to be in your life anymore either.

Good riddance.

minkembernard · 07/08/2013 21:20

Find something to do. something mindless. watch the whole of 'the killing' from start to finish. get a box set of Miranda. something that can spread out over several weeks. Everytime you feel like checking up on them, do that instead. also get plenty of exercise. take up thirty day shred. Make chutney.

Anything just fill your time while you heal because otherwise you will wallow and you will be tempted to contact him.

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 21:21

I just find it so shocking. It's like I'm some sort of mad woman in their eyes and I know I haven't behaved like that. Or have I???. Their obviously scared of something. Their protecting the wife again or actually the sister is aiding him in protecting himself in case I let slip to the wider family what he's fucking done

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Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 21:22

I just was shocked that if they'd go to that extreme then perhaps there really is something wrong with me

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Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 21:33

I can't help it tomorrow I will be ok again as I'll be busy but I'm aghast. What sort of person connives at covering things up or skewing the truth as a first resort rather than see if I'm ok and try to at least make amends after professing to love me for the last 4 years. Someone who knows he's burned all his bridges I guess

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LittlePeaPod · 07/08/2013 21:49

jackie I know you are hurting and what he has done/how he has treated you is appalling. Talking is the best therapy however I think you maybe need to consider how you try to move past what has happened. You don't need to forgive or forget! Reliving it continually and trying to analyse his behaviour will keep you in that really painful place. I think it may be a good idea to try and not look at his ex wife and sisters FB pages. No good will come of it. This will only cause more pain, as you are experiencing because you have been unable to find them. You will drive yourself potty with all the scenarios around why their profiles are private and even if you found their profile pages you would start analysing what they were posting. It's not good for you!

You need to focus on you and how you move on from this dark and very painful place. I know its hard because you are grieving the loss of your relationship and all that entailed. The breakup has also happened in the most painful way.

Again I am so sorry you are going through this very painful time. Flowers

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 21:53

I know but tonight im just really down. I'm thinking maybe I really was crazy and he'd had enough of me after all the things he said to his sister about me were not how I saw myself so maybe I am deluded.

Have tried to ring women's aid but lines are busy

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LittlePeaPod · 07/08/2013 22:02

Keep trying the number. I really think speaking to someone will help. Do your children knw yet?

Try not to worry about what he said to his sister or what she said to him. None of that matters anymore. What matters is for you to get back to a good place. Reliving it constantly is going to keep you in that really dark and painful place.

Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 22:49

I will try to get back to concentrating on me. They are very strange people

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Dearjackie · 07/08/2013 22:50

Yes my children do know. Have seen my daughter and I think she told my son but he hasn't commented tho vie only seen him once and briefly

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 07/08/2013 22:53

Hope you sleep well, OP.