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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP left on Saturday. Help please!

130 replies

Mips · 01/08/2013 15:00

Hi. A friend recommended MN and I have been reading posts which have helped my situation.
My long term DP left on Saturday. Whilst we had problems, it has come as a shock. Does anyone have any tips for getting through the day in the early days? I have 2 children, 10 and 6. Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2013 15:09

I'm so sorry you've had a shock. Did he give a reason for leaving?

Are your two children his? If so you'll have to continue to see him, won't you? If not, will he/they want to see each other?

tribpot · 01/08/2013 15:12

How are you sorted financially? That's probably the first thing to get started on. I'm assuming you're still in the home and he has left?

How are the children managing?

Original poster
Mips · 01/08/2013 15:27

Thank you for replies. Yes, the children are his. He is continuing to pay the mortgage so we can stay here. He has bought another house nearby. He is an accountant and has helped with organising finances. I called Tax Credits yesterday. I work part time. Luckily I'm on holiday just now.
Our relationship has been difficult for a while due to his reluctance to seek help for his depression. He has many issues including his childhood, social anxiety, and more. He literally became a recluse in our home. He said he felt trapped in life. He thinks of hiself as a loser and often said he didnt want to wake up in the morning. Ive tried helping but he just wanted to be left alone. Ive contemplated leaving but always thought we could work things out. He says he doesnt like how he was treating us and that by distancing himself from us he could try and sort himself out.
Trouble is he says he is regretting it already and broke down. I took the 'non desperation' route and said i welcomed the split as we both needed time apart to see what we really want. Whilst i have some sense of relief, i miss him so much.i just feel so miserable.
My youngest child thinks its a novelty staying over at dad's. My eldest is quieter and ever the diplomat.

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Original poster
Mips · 01/08/2013 17:21

He is about to arrive and collect the children for their first night over at his. I am crumbling inside.

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Vivacia · 01/08/2013 17:55

Him leaving on Saturday was a shock, yet he's bought a house?

Vivacia · 01/08/2013 17:57

How would you feel about telling him that you are missing him so much, but you realise some time apart is a good idea. Would that be true?

BigBoobiedBertha · 01/08/2013 18:04

Have either or both of you tried counselling? It sounds like it might be a help. Unless there is more to come, it doesn't sound like he is a bad person, just a mixed up, miserable one who needs to sort himself out.

I know he is reluctant to get help but would it be easier to persuade him if it were relationship counselling rather than focussing on him? It might be a start and if he finds it useful, it might spur him on to sort himself out. Then again, you might have to go it alone for a bit because he might be so low that he thinks nothing will help.

Sorry you are having to deal with this though. Sad

Original poster
Mips · 01/08/2013 19:18

Vivacia, he has a house he bought a while back as an investment for the children's future which we have been doing up. He's living in a mess tbh.
I told him i am missing him but feel relief and welcome a break. He says he needs this time too.
BBB, i havent suggested counselling as i am sure the answer will be no. He won't go to see about his depression either. He is self medicating sadly.
He is trying to consider my feelings but he still wants to be apart (after his weak moment yesterday).
It was hard hearing my faults which he declares didn't help the relationship. It took my bf to say that perhaps he was right in some respects.
He was also very morose and could be quite nasty when he was on a real low.
I'm still in shock. When willl i start to feel better? I want to be a happy shiny person again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mips · 01/08/2013 19:21

bf - best friend

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tribpot · 01/08/2013 19:35

Well it's too soon realistically to think you're going to start to feel better, or over it, anyway.

How is he self-medicating depression? That doesn't sound good at all.

He can't be leaning on you during the split, telling you one minute he regrets it and the next minute he doesn't. I'm guessing if he was a recluse he doesn't have many friends to talk about it? Maybe suggest he joins a forum (er, prob not MN!) to get some online support if he won't reach out. But you need to put you first. You've got an opportunity to pamper yourself a little bit whilst the kids are away - what fun thing can you do this evening that will feed your soul? Do you have any funny TV to watch? Comedy can really help at a time like this.

Original poster
Mips · 01/08/2013 22:52

Tribpot, thank you for your reply. He is taking ADs which were mine when i had anxiety after my parents died. He refuses to go to oyr GP even though I've told the GP all about him.
He has one good friend but he lives a distance away. He really only speaks to his mum, and i think he needs someone outside family. May suggest a forum.
Someone suggested to me he may have AS. Might look into that.
Still struggling to get my head around him leaving without me having any idea.
I feel better having told a friend tonight. Was good to talk as i suffer anxiety it did help.

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Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 07:19

Ive just woken up and reality hit. The children not here and being alone. Feel awful.

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funnymummyspeaks · 02/08/2013 07:33

Hang on in there, it will get easier and you never know what the future will bring. My DH and I parted company for nearly 3 years when our DD was 18mo, when the time was right we started again and have now been happily married for 4 years!! As hard as it feels right now, space will help you both figure out what you want from the future and only when you are both free of blame and anger will you be able to move forward, either separately or together!!! Thinking of you Smile x

tribpot · 02/08/2013 07:40

Keep going - try to keep busy whilst they're not there. They'll be back today, I think?

Presumably his efforts to self-medicate using your ADs are limited by the stock you have left and at that point he will have to make his own choices about what comes next.

There's no need for you to investigate if he might have AS, he is not your problem to fix. It's not productive for you to be focusing your efforts on him instead of on yourself.

Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 13:33

Thanks. The children are back and fine. Since he left on Saturday he has seen us every day. Starting tonight will be the last time we meet until Tuesday. I dont know how i will manage. As he was a literally a recluse, he was always at home apart from gym and dog walks and work.
Since he left he is already talking about joining clubs again but when i suggested it he said no.
I feel so lonely even though my friends are rallying round. In the last 5 years i lost my mum syddenly, then my dad and now this.

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Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 17:32

How can i stip myself from texting him?

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YvyB · 02/08/2013 17:39

Hello Mips. Mine left 10 days ago. Having the same how do I stop myself texting battle. I'm sitting on my hands and posting on MN instead :D

Vivacia · 02/08/2013 19:49

I hope it's not too late, but in a similar situation I've changed the number or email address behind the name and written the texts/email anyway. I found indulging the forbidden fantasy in a safe way very helpful.

Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 20:06

Not too late, lol. I didnt text. He did asking if he can pick up the dog at 8.30. I left it a while then lightheartedly said yup, no probs, just out shopping. He text straight back with some witty shopping joke. I didnt reply. Hes about to arrive. What do i do, or not do? Going to be hard as i wont see him till tuesday for child contact?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 02/08/2013 21:01

Well done on not replying, try not to send the last text, only text if you really have to.
Has he been? What did you do.

Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 21:25

Still not here an hour late! He was plasyering a wall but surely he could keep track of time!

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Vivacia · 02/08/2013 21:29

Hmmm. What time do you want to go to bed? I'm an early bird, but I wouldn't want anyone visiting after 9, and he's in that category now.

Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 22:07

He arrived just as i posted. He had been at B&Q cutting wood! He said he was upset about coming round as he was feeling sad today. Ive tried to stay aloif.

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Vivacia · 02/08/2013 22:12

"Aloof"? I think that's a good thing - keep a bit of distance, keep your dignity and try to put up some barriers to protect your feelings.

I hope you're ok.

Original poster
Mips · 02/08/2013 22:56

Yes, aloof, lol. My big sausage fingers on my phone!
Thank you for your replies.

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