Morning Mips
Glad you not only survived the day but even enjoyed it too - said you were an over-achiever! Viv has put her finger straight on the point in her last post: you've spent so long trying to meet HIS needs you've forgotten you're entitled to have your own met too. This is another teachery trait, I'm afraid. We get so brainwashed in to focusing on the needs of the students at school that we bring that mindset home with our marking too. Think about being at school - how many times have you not gone to the loo because a child stopped you en route to ask something and you immediately stopped your journey to the toilet to sort them out instead? And then the bell went so you didnt go so you just didnt drink anything after in order to make it to the end of the day because you can't leave your class?
Well?!
Right. Now back up a bit and really think about it. If we see the most basic biological functions such as drinking water (because you spend 6 hours a day talking loudly) and then having a wee to get rid of said water as coming secondary to someone else's needs AND we spend all day surrounded by other people who also behave the same way, is it any wonder that we spend our home lives allowing everybody else to come first and having no expectation that anybody should spend at least some of the time prioritising us?
I nearly passed out the first time this was brought to my attention by my lovely relate counsellor! So flippin obvious, isn't it?!
So... at this point (still in the counselling session), the counsellor asked my stbxh straight out "do you see yourself as having some responsibility towards meeting her needs? Even when her needs might not be things you value or want to do?" After an extremely evasive non-answer which revealed that really stbxh requires a "service provider" rather than a partner, I was hit with two realisations. 1) that I DO count as a person and I should expect any partner to take my needs seriously and enjoy helping me meet them as part of a partnership and 2) that I've spent so long putting ,my needs last I'd forgotten I even had any, let alone that my dh should have been helping me to achieve them!
I've spent the last 3 weeks re-discovering what my needs are and spending lots of time with friends who share pleasure in meeting those needs. As stbxh never made any effort in this way, I havent missed him at all (there was nothing to miss, was there?) and despite the stress of organising a divorce, people keep telling me how well I look (I was apparently "glowing" yesterday!).
Not sure what you've got planned for today but why not make a list of your needs? Mine included things like cuddles, decorating the Christmas tree (not in Aug, obviously!), help with lifting heavy things, holding hands, conversation at the end of the day... then tell yourself that you are ENTITLED to have these needs met and if you are in a healthy relationship your dp should be honoured to help you meet your needs. In fact, they should actually enjoy it!
My apologies to non-teachery-types. I know you all put everybody else's needs first too. I just found it easiest to explain myself in the context of teaching as op and I are both teachers. I'm sure the same applies in many, many other walks of life too, not least being a SAHM!