My DP left on Saturday. Help please!

[Mips]

Hi. A friend recommended MN and I have been reading posts which have helped my situation.
My long term DP left on Saturday. Whilst we had problems, it has come as a shock. Does anyone have any tips for getting through the day in the early days? I have 2 children, 10 and 6. Thank you in advance.

[YvyB]

You're welcome. No point learning painful life lessons and then keeping them to yourself, is there?!
So... dp said that YOU need to find time for yourself, did he? Shouldnt that be that HE sees it as part of his responsibility to you that he ensures you do? I know this sounds like me being picky with semantics but people often reveal more than they think through their choice of words. Sounds like another example of him putting something he should be taking responsibility for as your dp back on you...

And don't be reluctant to trust your gut instinct. If you felt the need to check his emails, it's because your radar picked up reasons to feel insecure. And now he's left. I suspect hes been pulling away for a while which inevitably has lead you to feel insecure. Looks like your radar was bang on to me, I'm afraid. But he had you apologising for that too, did he?

You are still in teacher-mode, Mips, accepting responsibility for everything. He should be actively promoting your welfare. He shouldn't be sending out "I'm not 100% committed" vibes that concern you enough to tempt you to check his emails. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't be in that position.

I'm going to be really brutal now. Any man who leaves his dp to bring up his dcs alone without lots of warning, opportunity for joint counselling first (his actions are affecting 3 other people fgs) is monumentally selfish. Your dp has left you dealing with all the crap whilst he's gone running off to "be depressed/find himself". Isn't it time you got just a teensy bit angry now rather than feeling pleased he sat in your comfy home, watching a movie, as if he's bountifully throwing you a few crumbs of his precious company?

[JustBecauseICan]

I agree with everything you have said. Every last word.

You are being too accommodating Mips. Right now he has got what he wants, with biscuits thrown in. He gets to see his children when he wants, he gets to do the nice stuff. He gets to see you deperate for his approval, and he will be smugly accepting all your apologies for the relationship breaking down.

And by the by....Nana Nina I know was referring to me when she talked about blame. Yes, I do fucking blame a man who hasn't got the balls, depression or not, to even fucking tell his wife he is leaving her but waits till she has gone away with their children to do it. And then spends the next few weeks making sure he has her exactly where he wants her. How callous and calculating can one human being be? Not even caring enough about his own children to think they deserve sitting down with their dad and him telling them that the relationship is over, but....

I really hope you start thinking of yourself Mips. Because believe me, this man will continue thinking only of himself. And it will always be your fault if he doesn't get it. It's insidious.

[Mips]

You are right. I followed my instincts. I said sorry and indicated that he should be flattered that i did do it. It showed i cared enough about our r/ship. He is a very private person by nature but there is a big difference between privacy and secrecy. I feel that apart from the depression, we have not discussed his contribution to the breakdown of our r/ship. I just want to make a list and send it to him!

[Mips]

X post just because. Will reply now.

[JustBecauseICan]

Oh, I have just seen the bit about his flirty colleague. Hmm.

No, you shouldn't have snooped, but you shouldn't have felt you had to either.

Are you sure this guy is as much of a recluse as he would like you to believe?

[YvyB]

I luffs you too, JustBecause!
I've just been in the shower, scrubbing my hair, thinking " the blatant, downright, fecking CHEEK of that man. So, he doesn't want to wait til Friday to see the two dcs he just walked out on without a word? Shouldn't he have thought about that just a bit before he brought fecking domestic armageddon raining down on everybody else's head without so much as a 'by the way, I'm thinking of...' as a token gesture of courtesy?
Oooh. It made me so cross I couldn't shave my legs until I'd done my deep breathing "I'm a good person" mantra twice to calm myself.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I am glad you could assert you weren't "punishing" him by stating it's not fair for him to flit in and out.

However much space you give him, however much understanding you show, he has to help himself by seeing a GP and taking properly prescribed medication and/or arranging counselling. Too much space can be alarmingly close to becoming a recluse. If he rations time spent around you and DCs, does he also avoid others?

I agree with other posters, look after yourself. Any chance to think of yourself, pick up any hobbies or pastimes, fix up to see your own friends, when time permits. Many partners and parents put their outside lives on the back burner - I've done so myself - it won't stop you missing DP but gives an added dimension.

Have you anything planned for yourself on Friday?

Going back to work won't be the jolliest distraction but it will give structure to your week.

Next week it would be nice for you to have a block of time without the DCs. As has already been observed, going from a familiar two parent set up to a new arrangement whereby you are without warning now sole resident parent is a big shift, on top of the emotional earthquake. Space is quite a luxury with 10 and 6 y.o. DCs in the mix.

[Mips]

Justbecause, i am certain. Being faithful is important to him and he has never given me reason before. I could see from his account there was nothing to worry about regards OW. Even his replies to this woman (who ive seen and i am not worried about her being a threat!). However, i am sure the secrecy is to do with money. He is obsessed with making money as he has a millionaire sibling to live up to. He says he feels a failure. Even now when living in his own house he keeps saying "how can i save more money?". He has lost quite a bit of money on the stock market and he has been on betting sites. Whilst he doesnt have a gambling problem, he does have a problem so to speak. This is what the privacy is all about. Money means more to him than life itself.

[Mips]

Yvy, sorry for late reply. My sister came for a visit. Thank you for the anger (hope you got your legs shaved). I feel quite angry myself. He said he had been thinking of leaving for a while so why not tell me?! No word from him today but he is at work.

Donkeys, you are right. He has social anxiety. He likes his own company. He has one friend who lives a distance away.
I have planned to go to my sister's on Friday night. I also have a family event at the weekend. So keeping busy.
DP did ask if he could take the DC away for a few days to his family (live far away) but i said no. Right now the DC are keeping me sane (or semi-sane). Youngest has a playdate on Saturday. So may find somewhere for my eldest to go.

[YvyB]

Nice smooth legs and no nicks, thanks. Need to fake tan later for trip to beach tomorrow.
Get good and angry. Even if not on your own behalf, for your dcs. How dare he spoil their summer holidays like this? Is this the best father they deserve?

I'm not suggesting you decide to leave your dp but have you got any legal advice just in case? Is much harder to find time during term. I've spent 2 very productive weeks gathering info and asking questions. Hasn't cost me anything but I'm well armed now. You have dcs to protect. Don't leave things to drift without finding out exactly where you stand. You don't need to act on the knowledge but it's good to have it.

[Mips]

Still feeling like i want him back. I miss him so much. My sister pointed out that i have never been without a man (3 ltr) and being on my own is alien to me. My DP was a bit of a rebound from my last ltr. So maybe i need to think about this. I do miss the good times though. Wish he could remember them.

[Mips]

X post.
Im a bit confused about his setting out of our monetary affairs so yes i do have the number of a solicitor recommended by my friend. I received my tax credit forms yesterday.
Yes, he has spoiled their holidays and mine. I really needed a break too after a really hard term at school.

[Mips]

Ha! He has just emailed me from work to ask a mundane question about the kids.
So he cant go a day without contact. What do i do?

Also, my post doesnt appear on the r/ships board and i cant find it on 'posts im on'. I only found it through a link a poster sent me. Any ideas?

Yv, id like to hear your story. You have been so helpful as have Viv, donkeys, justbecause and many more. Thank you all :0)

[JustBecauseICan]

Oh dear. I don't want to worry you further but I don't like the speculating on stock market/betting site thing.

You talk about "his" house. Is this the house he has moved into? Is the house you are living in "his" too?

What is it you miss?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Mips have you been posting via mobile phone, have you accidentally touched the 'Hide' button? This might explain why you lost sight of the thread.

Check your settings, go on to 'Customise' and check Ignored Topics at the foot of the page, see if it's hidden.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

The money could be #1 stress factor hence 'depression' for which he won't seek help.

[Mips]

The house he is living in, he bought as an investment. Its a wreck atm. The house i live in is joint. He is continuing to pay the mortgahe on it.
He admits to habe lost a bit on the market and he says he cant afford to do it any more.
Im not worrying about house equity atm. If the separation is final then i will have a solicitor look at it. I will however make some discrete enquiries. He is still paying the mortgage and bills here.

[Mips]

Aw thanks donkey. I will go have a look.
Yes, you could be right. It is the stress trigger.

[JustBecauseICan]

Money is a horrible horrible thing.

Do you know how much money he has lost?

[YvyB]

Mips, I'm pming you... you should get a little red flaggy thing. Or yellow maybe? Where it says inbox (which is grey at the moment!)

[Mips]

No. The post isnt hidden. Will try on ipad later.
Jb, i miss the company. I dont like being alone. We spent an awful lot of time together as he didnt have friends. Despite the problems, we shared similar interests and he made me laugh. He also loves the children

[YvyB]

You should have a msg now, Mips!

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Can I make a few points re infidelity?

One is that many men who cheat in mid life will have been faithful for several years/decades.

Sometimes when a man with strong views on fidelity is attracted to someone else, he decides that the attraction must be real love - they find it hard to understand that we all can be attracted to other people at various points of our lives but we do not have to act on this.

The depression is a red flag as many cheat in order to self medicate - the feel good hormones/chemicals one get from having their ego boosted cannot be underestimated. It is possible that if he has not yet cheated, the woman at work may have stirred feelings leading to his decision to leave....

Also who brought up the topic re this woman yesterday?

[Threeandjustme]

Hi Mips
Thank you for the thread.
I am going through a very similar experience and your thoughts and feelings are so familiar.
No one else involved apparently but I feel so suspicious.
He just left and moved into a flat he had rented nearby without any discussion.
I want to move overseas to family but I think he will stop us. He will not say if he will I am to wait for a lawyers letter!

[Mips]

Hi hot choc, thanks for reply. I honestly do not think there is anything going on. The woman at work is not his type at all and she is going through problems with her own husband. Apparently i have heard they are off on hols and redoing their marriage vows. I have no doubt that this has been an ego boost as he thinks very little of himself and has low self esteem. Also he has suffered depression since a teenager, so i entered into the r/ship knowing this. His whole problem is his need to not feel a failure and in his eyes its how much money you have, not how many women.i do see how what you describe could be true of some situations but not in this. Ive been in a ltr of constant cheating. I know the signs. My DP never goes out, he is home from work early, spends his spare time at home and when he does go out its with me and kids.
I also think that moving out was to give him time on his own. Away from family, neighbour from hell, etc.
He told me yesterday that he had trusted me for 10 years and then i checked into his email. He has high expectations regards trust. Thats when emails from work colleage were mentuoned.