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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The Dating Thread - episode 60

999 replies

Djangounhinged · 31/07/2013 17:21

If I may?

OP posts:

DadfromUncle · 01/08/2013 16:14

I think we may have to accept that OD isn't the only way of meeting folk :-) Or be patient. I am certainly not expecting overnight success - it would be nice if it was like eBay or Amazon, but the results aren't so instant.

Bant · 01/08/2013 16:14

Mama - Aruba stayed over on the 4th date, asked me if I was trustworthy (which I am, I spose, in that I didn't try and get her drunk and seduce her) but the subtext was that something was very likely to happen, it's just that I shouldn't initiate it.

You could be honest and say 'just to make sure, nothing is going to happen as its not the best time for me' but that implies if it wasn't, something would happen, and you probably don't want to discuss something so personal.

You could say 'actually ill stay somewhere else' because otherwise you couldn't be trusted to control yourself but that has disadvantages too

scrazy · 01/08/2013 16:28

Dad, I know that, in fact I don't like OD much and only put a profile up for a nosy round and a distraction. I will leave the blank profile up and just have a look now and again for anyone new.

Mama, this is the reason it's best to go local, saves the worry of who drives and stays a who's in the beginning. I had a 90 mile LDR which lasted around 6 months and we took it in turns to travel. I met him in the pub rather than OD, or I wouldn't have bothered.

lurkinglorna · 01/08/2013 16:57

As a non car owner, one random thing i remember from my travelling days, and which I've sometimes found handy for long distance evening dates is "coaches at weird times". So you don't want the night to end at 9pm, but not sure you want to commit to staying the night? get a coach at 4am. take a change into casual clothes so you look like a traveller and aren't waiting with the tramps in heels and a sparkly dress. Job's a good un, and cheaper than train.

if you don't want to stay at his then you can just get a book and wait a couple hours turn up at work at 9am mumbling and looking like you've fallen out of a tree I find it quite romantic - megabus and national express etc.

mercury7 · 01/08/2013 17:17

Lorna, coach sounds like a good alternative, but then again, the thought of losing sleep just doesnt seem worth the hassle, or even going all that way just to spend a few hours with someone I hardly know.
guess I just have no sense of adventure just lazy and too selfish more like

lurkinglorna · 01/08/2013 17:24

ha ha mercury yeah its not exactly the Orient Express and of course practically might not work depending on location. But the rugrats board and I'm not a big sleeper (or co-sleeper for that matter - even if its with a lover I like and know I don't like the whole cosy morning routine thing) so its "something to do that's a bit adventurous" and of course cheaper than a hotel room.

I do often wonder if there's some ambivalence towards a full time partnership i have that means i gravitate towards long distance dudes?

Like the european was the first "local" psychopath admirer I've seriously dated in a while. and i was feeling VERY stifled by the whole "you're free tonight, i'm free tonight, so why aren't we meeting up?" vibe. i'm happier with planning something 2 weeks in advance then looking forward to it whilst being single the rest of the time for practical purposes.

(that said, as others have mentioned, the local pickings are often fairly shabby so who knows?)

bigstrongmama · 01/08/2013 17:47

Right, thanks guys. Think I will book a room somewhere and tell him I changed my mind and I just really like hotels...

He is 60 miles away. I think it is a bit far, but I live in the middle of nowhere...and he is lovely so I think worth the hassle, temporarily :)

Original poster

Djangounhinged · 01/08/2013 17:58

That's good mama, once you've changed the plan you can relax and look forward to your second date a bit more! Hope it goes really well :)

My last date lives about 70 miles from me - I had widened my search because the pickings were so slim near me (like everyone else! Maybe we should all do a house-swap and see if we prefer everyone else's pickings!) - and I used that as one of my excuses not to see him again. I think, though, if you like him enough and he likes you, you'll both be happy to travel.

I've narrowed my search again now, and have accepted that this is going to be a loooooong process....

OP posts:

mercury7 · 01/08/2013 18:16

I have found it tricky in the past to deal with the spending the night together issue, without causing offense.
It's so widely assumed that if you're intimate with someone you'll naturally want to sleep together as well as 'sleep' together

JulietteMontague · 01/08/2013 18:55

Mama if you are considering a hotel, I would just make sure you don't get any negative vibes back from him before you confirm/pay. The distance is substantial and he has to get up early the next day so that is quite an investment for an evening. What is your gut feel about his intentions?

KinNora · 01/08/2013 19:00

Or alternatively make sure it's somewhere you really fancy staying Mama, then it can be a treat for you - this is what I did when I travelled a couple of hundred miles to see Software. ( I invited him back to the room but pointed out that I wasn't going to have sex with him presciently as it turned out he kissed like a woodpecker )

JulietteMontague · 01/08/2013 19:05

Kin that should have come with a trigger warning. I just had a flashback to the woodpecker thing.

By the way boat shoes, they exist for the grip apparently. This I found out when I slipped on the wet deck and nearly went overboard wearing my trainers. It made me think of Showbiz, but then he had a low centre of gravity if I recall.

DadfromUncle · 01/08/2013 19:08

The reason I wanted to be local is for the potential to meet up on weekdays (and still get some sleep). Love the idea of house swaps to see if pickings are better.

KinNora · 01/08/2013 19:27

Yeah, sorry about that Juliette it remains a fairly vivid memory for me too. I'm sure any boat shoes you wore would be infinitely more stylish and not paired with Clarkson jeans

If Showbiz's chest hair had weighed more, he'd have been more evenly balanced.

KinNora · 01/08/2013 19:28

(I've made myself feel a bit queasy now)

lurkinglorna · 01/08/2013 19:31

Personally I quite like the whole idea of my dating being a holiday from day to day life" even if just a city or somewhere i've not been before? Where I live, i feel a bit " i'm here because i'm here" so its not like i have strong roots here and need a local boy...

wouldn't mind doing a juliette and having a beau abroad.

though sadly it would seem the europeans i have encountered are not quite winning on the "person i would like to spend time with without being scared they will cut my face off and wear it as a mask" spectrum....

scrazy · 01/08/2013 20:49

I've just had an emails from POF with a page full of my perfect matches. I think I will be celibate for the rest of my life .

lurkinglorna · 01/08/2013 20:51

scrazy

32 MEN WANT TO MEET YOU!

48howdidthathappen · 01/08/2013 20:57

I love spending the night with the right person. But then I am a 'Breakfast' person

Bant · 01/08/2013 21:27

Ah, found the quote. Not sure if someone mentioned previously but it's Dr Seuss..
"We are all a little weird and life is a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

It's apt.

scrazy · 01/08/2013 21:32

I like that quote Bant.

bigstrongmama · 01/08/2013 21:32

Bant, love that!
Finding a hotel room turns out to be very tricky... still trying, but may be back to plan A...

Secretservice · 01/08/2013 21:48

Evening all!
Again sorry for the delay, I just can't keep up. I try to read before posting, but each time I refresh there's 100s more posts and I'm hours behind the conversation!

Very envious of those with AM tickets, DD2 has tickets, but I'm not welcome apparently - serpent's tooth child that she is. I was good enough when she needed an adult - but now definitely persona non-grata

Anyway, last night. All a bit of a mixed bag really. Ended up back at his ([shame] reading all the advice to Mama). And it was just, well, odd. Shag was ok, not great, but first time etc, etc. But afterwards he just wouldn't touch me. Not in a don't like cuddles sort of way, but not a fleeting touch of any sort. Same in the morning, which was worse as I had hoped for a bit of 'breakfast' and he didn't have any tea

But he was as chatty as he's always been, said he'd definitely be in touch and did want to see me again.

So ladies, is he just giving me the inevitable brush off or am I missing something?

Secretservice · 01/08/2013 21:49

Sorry! Gents advice/insights obviously also very welcome

Bant · 01/08/2013 21:56

Sorry secret, what's the backstory on him again? I'm on my phone and can't remember him or look it up easily

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