The Dating Thread - episode 60

[Djangounhinged]

If I may?

[48howdidthathappen]

Mama I agree with the others. Could be very awkward.

I think he will be hoping for 'Dinner'.

[Flipper934]

Nora, he is indeed one of yours. I'm not sure how he even remembered my surname to find me, but he's a bit of a fb slut, so I don't think there's anything to it.

Woo is still in good supply for anyone who needs it. As is motivation for decoration, WFF. Get that sanding done, girl!

[OhWesternWind]

Waft some waves of woo this way, Flipper . . . Nothing like a good bit of alliteration to get the day off to a good start (apart from a nice e-mail from Alpha waiting for me when I got to work) He's back this weekend but not sure exactly when and I don't know if he does either as he's staying with family so it's a bit open-ended. Nothing lined up to see him yet when he is back but I know we'll meet up some time soon. I do like to have a concrete time and day to look forward to but am staying calm and unworried about this as there is no funny business or game playing going on so I'm not constantly looking for reassurance.

I don't have any interest in LM, really glad to have come to that realisation last time he got in touch, but even so it would be easier if he'd stop texting.

Good luck with your decorating WFF!

[KinNora]

Does he actually have social skills then Flipper ?

Never tried Buckie after being warned off it in my student days by an ex-Marine from Wishaw, I correctly decided that if it was too much for a brick shithouse-sized, hard as nails Scot, it'd definitely be too much for a pint-sized Manc.

Moan - you ok ?

OWW good news about Alpha.

Mwwwah to everyone, I'm just about to go out on my second long walk of the day, I'm going to be like a fricking panther come September ( this is unlikely )

[Djangounhinged]

Morning all,

OWW sounds like you're in a good place with Alpha, how fantastic to be free of mind games! As for LM, well you're in a much better place with him too, and he knows it.

Wine I'd LOVE to see AM in Sheffield! Have seen them 3-4 times and would happily pin Alex Turner on my wall ;)

Have had a few Buckfast moments myself Kin, it wasn't pretty. Think MD20/20 had the same effect?

Happy Thursday all, I'm busy packing up for my festival weekend, and not hanging on to my phone for next message from postie at all, oh no, not I I think it's scorchio where lots of you are, but I am having to pack my waterproof trousers

[scrazy]

Snape, in view of the need to clarify the gazing into each others eyes I would say the pizza sounds like a great idea. Fwiw the L word came up with LM and it was a case of 'perhaps, but I L what we have'. The stars fell from my eyes as I needed something more to go on. I'm currently ignoring texts for a day or two and looking for someone else.

OWW, definitely I would say this is the time to delete and move on but can see you have come to the conclusion yourself, well done, his loss.

Got asked out on POF for a coffee, that was quick work as I only went on a day or two ago and without a picture too. (I sent one via private image) He is tall, very good looking, educated but a bit too far away. I will see how far he is prepared to travel for a coffee.

I sent a message to a local guy who looked perfect on paper. He ignored me so I sent another with a photo thinking that might instigate a reply but no... oh well, not meant to be.

[scrazy]

'LM' ?? see I've even forgotten his name

[OhWesternWind]

Just remembered drinking a horrible and dangerous concoction as a student - cider with a top of strawberry 20/20. Bloody hell fire. Did many dubious things under the influence of that particular combination.

Never had Buckie - what is it? (Not that I'm aiming to try it, much more a champers and Pimms type nowadays )

[OhWesternWind]

Your coffee man sounds nice Scrazy - how far away is he?

[FlorentinePogen]

OWW, 'Buckie' is the common name of Buckfast Tonic Wine which is made by Beneditine Monks at Buckfast Abbey in Devon. (Sometimes referred to as Buckfast Toenail Wine. )

Buckie is the preferred 'quick hit' of many inhabitants of the West of Scotland, especially Glasgow, to wit :-

P.S. If anyone knows what these zoomers are saying, please let us know.

[Djangounhinged]

No idea what those lovely chaps are saying Flo, but these guys would love them:

Oh the Glesgae banter!

[lurkinglorna]

D, Florentine, I'm pretty certain I've received messages on POF from ALL those guys, or their lookalikes. Hope you're not too

[Djangounhinged]

Haha lorna I bet they said something like "u lok sexy babz, gonnae gie us a shag lolz"

Totally !

[bigstrongmama]

Hi guys. Looks like the consensus is that he thinks I'm 'Dinner'. I don't know what to do - if I book a room he will think I don't trust him - if I stay at his it could get awkward - what if I text him so he knows I'm not up for it? How the hell does one word a text like that?!

[FlorentinePogen]

Mama, I suppose something along the lines of " Big Boy, I'm just letting you know that there'll be no shagging when I stay over so you can just have a little Five Knuckle Shuffle and empty your sack before I arrive. Love + Kisses, Mama" might be out of the question ?

[bigstrongmama]

Thanks for that florentine! :)

[OhWesternWind]

Mama at the moment you don't know him well enough to be able to trust him, so really it doesn't matter if he thinks you do or you don't. He shouldn't be trusting you at this stage either as you've only met once.

How about meeting somewhere neutral, maybe half way, both drive if taxis/public transport doesn't work and then you can get to know each other a bit more first before you take the plunge? Then you'll have some more evidence about his intentions and whether or not he's trustworthy, and also be clearer about what you want.

I don't think texting him is a good idea as a) it raises the subject by text which could result in all kinds of misunderstandings, much better to talk face to face on your date if you want to - mention and b) you will still end up back at his house, possibly a bit pissed and faced with someone who's quite likely to be trying to get you into bed.

If he's genuine, he won't mind waiting. Spending time with you and getting to know you should be enough at this stage for someone who's after a relationship rather than a casual fling.

[ALittleStranger]

Mama I strongly second everything OWW said, including don't text. It's unreasonable for him to expect some big display of trust on a second date. Maybe I've been spoilt by living in a city, but the idea of a date suggesting I stay at his ahead of our second date just wouldn't happen. How did the issue of you even crashing in his spare room come up again?

[lurkinglorna]

Aye mama I'm with the others here, seems a bit uneasy. I personally enjoy 1st date sex or whatever. I really don't want to "rain on your parade" if you're excited about this guy. But the whole "meeting at home" thing is a red flag for me.

(I'm not ashamed of anything, but when I started dating, I did accept a couple of "meet me at home for a movie" first meets and although nothing non-consensual happened, things happened that I wasn't happy with afterwards, with guys I wouldn't have been interested in if we'd met in an outside environment. Just because we "started off in the home location")

1 You shouldn't be worrying about him "thinking you don't trust him". Even when I've had casual lovers before, the etiquette is they ALWAYS offer "out" option or "home option". Eg my ex and I met, and we were getting quite drunk and flirty, then he said "coffee at my hotel room OR would you rather stay out and go somewhere else".

If they guy is pushing for the "home option", it means he's trying to override your instincts, which is a bad sign.

And if he's saying "do you trust me?" he's being a fuckwit. It's not actually ordinary to say that? Decent men don't say that, they recognise that women have a need for safety and work that into their planning. Eg I've been chatting with a guy on POF, and he's suggested going for a day trip with him driving, but then also said "we should meet for a coffee first in the City Centre, so you know I'm ok". That's pretty "standard" behaviour. Anything else is abnormal.

2 Practically. I'm a bit confused. Can you not just either not drink or have one at the start of the evening, then not drink for the rest of the evening? Therefore transport option sorted. Or meet for a coffee? You don't need a mega long first date, if there's a connection you can fit in a second one sometime.

Either way, I'd text him to SAY you're not staying over (not in an angry or questioning way, just in a "oh realised I've got an early start on X day, shall we just meet for a couple of soft drinks or a coffee?").

I think you'll get information from how he answers that. There's nothing wrong with a man wanting sex (and of course you might want sex too if you fancy him, nothing wrong with that) but manipulating a situation so that he can override your instincts is a very bad sign (to me)


Good luck Sorry if it anything in this post came across bossy or nagging btw!

[lurkinglorna]

Sorry, just realised second date not first date! But still same argument applies, I think

[Djangounhinged]

Mama what the others have said. Make it clear that the date is still on, but you've decided to head away at the end of the evening (whether by driving or by staying elsewhere).

You actually can't lose: he will either realise that you're simply not ready to get physical with him and respect you for that, or he will take the hump and you will know that what he wants is more important to him than what you need right now, and there's your red flag.

I know it's not for everyone, but I do like the idea of having one drink at the start of the evening, then driving home at the end.

[scrazy]

I once stayed over on a second date but it wasn't intentional and I stupidly once let someone stay the night on a second date when he should have driven. Big mistake, so awkward letting a virtual stranger into your space. Even if the attraction is there, that is still what it is and I wouldn't do it again.

OWW, coffee date guy is 60 miles away, too far isn't it? Why didn't the local one want to meet up, damn it.

[DadfromUncle]

scrazy 60 miles is beyond my limit - I have set very strict geog. limit this time around no doubt there are some fab people living outside it - but it won't be fun falling for someone and spending huge amount of time/cash travelling to see them. If it's any consolation, I have an almost zero success rate with women I like the look of locally. They don't respond - could be any number of reasons, but it's their loss, move on.

[lurkinglorna]

mama Of course, I wouldn't say he's a bad guy at this stage - he might have come up with the "staying over" option out of wanting to make it more convenient for you?

But I think the "tell" will be what his reaction is when you say you're not staying over/going back to his?

Like two POF guys, one said meet me at X (very near to him) and when I texted back saying "we seem to have different expectations/ socialising styles" he sent one back saying "no worries I'll delete your number". So I guess he was only looking for an instant hook up -his profile pics were very attractive - whereas I like my sex, but with a side of romance.

Another said "drop by one evening and see my paintings at the home studio" - he's an artist. When I said "oh lovely, I might be out with my friend X so we might do that" no reply .

[scrazy]

I've had interest from a few nearer but I don't like the profiles of anyone in my area, apart from one who looked and sounded OK but he hasn't replied.