'Giving' baby to granny?

[Bestforbaby]

Bit of backstory: relationship breakdown, subsequent discovery of unplanned pregnancy which I have decided to keep. The father wants to be part of the baby's life when it arrives.

I am in London, and to carry on working in my field I need to stay in London. The father is also in London. I work fulltime, 8-7ish, plus some evenings and weekends. Giving up work/going part-time is not an option for financial reasons. I might be able to work from home a bit, but not sure yet.

I have been looking at London nurseries etc, fulltime care for the baby from about 12 weeks.

My parents live about 2 hours from London, and are retired. My mum offered yesterday to look after the baby fulltime during the week at their home. It is just too far for me to commute daily, I'd never see baby awake, and it would be nearly impossible for the father to have a relationship with the baby. Initially I thought she was mad, as I did not decide to keep the baby to never see it.

But then I thought maybe I am being selfish, and if the baby cannot have me 24/7, maybe it would be best to have my mum, rather than being one of many at a nursery. She was brilliant when I was little, and they have a big garden, parks nearby etc, and, most importantly, time. By being able to stay in a smaller flat and not paying childcare I'd be able to save up enough to do really nice things with the baby when we are together, whereas both living in London we are not going to have much (any) spare cash. Then when the baby is school-age the plan would be to come 'back' to London.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience of a similar situation, or bright ideas? I want to do the best I can for my baby (who doesn't?), and maybe that is not being with me at the moment

HURRAY FOR WEARYTIGER

Some sensible advice from someone who actually knows what they are talking about.

I am older than the OP's mother and I am sure I could care for a new baby, especially if DGF is around to help, which he is, other things would def be put on hold but it's only a few years until the baby can to go to nursery, childminders or whatever. Would I be knackered? Yes, like most new mums.

Ah, it makes me so sad that in this day and age that you should be in this position OP. I bet the baby's father isn't getting stressed out and having compromise hs career. The fault here doesn't lie with the OP for wanting to retain her career, the fault lies in the system for not allowing her to do so.

I personally wouldn't use a nursery until the baby was older. 12 week old babies need lots of cuddles and carrying around. I don't think a nursery would be the best option. Like others I would look at a nanny, that would be the way to maximise the time you get to spend with your son or daughter and probably wouldn't cost much more than full time nursery. I think even if you could reduce your working week to a normal 40 hour one, if part time isn't possible ould be a help. Your mum could help out when the Nanny takes holidays.

God luck and congratulations with your pregnancy

The thing I would say is, don't be afraid to ask for things from your employer. You have a statutory right to maternity leave, parental leave and to requestpt working.

If it is that kind of workplace, your colleagues will probably be as pissed off if you go back at 12 weeks as if you go back at 5 months.

Do whatever you can to prolong that initial maternity leave.

I think you need to wait and see to be honest. Can't you look for another job / flat nearer to your mum?
I know you probably love you job but after 3 months you'll love your baby more and will probably really struggle going back to work.
It's easy to make decisions now so to speak but once your baby is here everything will change.

I was working full time when I had my dc and planned to go back to work full time and continue with my degree in my 'spare time' lol
As it happened once my dc came along I couldn't bear to go back to work. We moved to a cheaper area and I switched jobs to a part time job 5 hours a day 5 days a week.

And while I don't love my New job as much as I used to love my old job it doesn't matter anymore because my dc is worth so much more to me than any job.

Also while its an amazing thing your mum your mum has offered to do you need to think about how you will feel knowing your dc thinks of your mum as mum instead of you because if they only see you weekends that is what will happen. Anything exciting, scary or major that happens to them they will want to share that with your mum first not you. When they are crying it may be your mum they want to comfort them not you as they will see her as the main carer.

If you decide to move jobs later and want your dc full time again it will be upsetting for everyone involved.

But I'm not trying to come across judgey just trying to point out things you need to be aware of in the end it is yours and your mums decision. But you might just find that all rational decisions you are making now go out the window once you've met and fallen in love with your baby. Good luck and your mum sounds lovely to offer to do that.

I would try to work round this a bit tbh. Perhaps have baby stay with mum a couple of days to bring nursery bill down a bit. This will also allow you to work late etc on one or two days so that your weekends are free for your baby. I think if she spends all her time in the week with your mum she won't build up bond with you and you will be storing up problems for later.

It does not sound like your lifestyle is truly baby-friendly, sorry.

The baby's emotional and physical wellbeing should be first priority.

Could you share parental leave with the baby's father, could he take time off to care for the baby in the first six months?

Are you planning to breastfeed? What if it goes well and you want to continue for the first six months? 12 weeks is such a short time

If I was in your situation I would pursue the GM plan. Both of my boys have been in nursery, which worked out well for them and I was very happy with the care provided but nurseries won't take ill children and this can prove difficult if you're trying to work. You do need to sit down with your mum and work out how you are both intending to bring up the baby - what she can manage, what she has responsibility for etc as other posters have said. That arrangement could provide the baby with a secure and stable life, which is so important whether it's at home with a parent, with a family member or in paid childcare.

From experience, I found the balance of work and home difficult to manage and I haven't worked FT for all the time when my children were under 5. Before you have the baby, you can get it all planned out and organised, but when they come into your life and what you aren't prepared for is your own emotional response! Also I'm keeing my fingers crossed that your employer will be understanding - with my two I've been fortunate enough to be able to go back FT, work PT work form home /flexibly and been promoted. It is actually harder to work FT IME once they are at school because quite often the afterschool care isn't there and there are the school holidays to account for! Good luck

Congratulations OP! A baby should be a cause or excitement, not worry. I know you will want to sort out plans before your baby arrives, but don't rush or commit to anything yet. It's great to have options, but wait to see how you feel after your baby is born.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Haven't read the whole thread, so excuse me if I'm repeating.

My gut reaction is that it's a really bad idea. So many mums I knew thought their own parents would be perfect childminders and they were hopeless. A wonderful grandparent and a suitable primary caregiver are not the same thing.

Realistically, you can't underestimate how awful it will be handing your baby over every weekend or worse, when your baby cries for its grandmother and rejects you. This arrangement may have been common when grandmothers and mothers had half a dozen kids each, often not that dissimilar in age, but it's a whole different thing when it's just one baby. It would be hard not to feel jealous. Though I know others will disagree.

*for

Op I hope you aren't too downhearted by all this advice. As long as your mum has support, she does know what she's getting herself into and I'm sure she is happy to do it. I'm not 65 but if this were my dd I'd do it in a second. Do you have other family around your parents too? There are a lot of GPs at the baby and toddler groups I've been to so she won't even feel out of place in that way.

First of all, thank you very much to everyone who has made constructive suggestions, they have been food for much thought/education. I hadn't even thought about the germ-potential of nurseries. :S

I do understand my priorities will shift once the baby arrives, but I agree with the posters who say that it is important to look at the bigger long-term picture as well as the now. I'm sure it works for some people, but I haven't spent years training and working only to turn around and go and work in a pub like I did as a student. (That is not to say that if I had to, I would not). As I said ages ago, my medium-term aim is self-employment, probably looking at when the baby is school-age. True, the baby may not know or care if his clothes are secondhand, for example, but a seven year old would presumably prefer to be able to go on school trips with his friends. I know I will have to cut down my working hours, and I am very willing to do this, and try and change the way I work. I will also keep an eye out for alternative work elsewhere, but as several people have said, flexible jobs are not exactly growing on trees at the moment.

I will also talk to the father and see if he'd consider flexible working etc. It does not seem very likely to me that he would want to, but I will ask.

My mother is fit and active at the moment, but this may obviously change. She is pretty sensible, though, and has said already that she would definitely not be prepared to take fulltime sole charge of an active toddler, but is confident about a baby. I am so grateful for her offering any help at all. A few people have made it sound like I am trying to force her to do it, which is really not the case!

To the few who have suggested that I shouldn't be having a baby, that is your view. It is clearly not mine.

Yes, there are sundry other family members in London as well, including my siblings who have almost-adult children (I left it a bit later!). While I would certainly not expect them to do childcare, they have said they'll be doting aunts and uncles etc., so hopefully if I am ever in a real fix they will help out.

Great that you have other family too. Good luck op, hold onto the fact that having a baby is wonderful and you'll work out the details. Having dc is hard whatever your circumstances.

Why not move closer to your mum and/or apply for jobs nearer your mum? That way your cost of living maybe cheaper as you're outside London so you may be able to drop a days work and you may be able to see your dc more as you won't have the 2 hr commute you have now.

Posters have been suggesting you shouldn't be having a baby?! I'm shocked and appalled.

If anything, hats off to you for having a baby in such difficult conditions and trying to make the best out of a tough situation.

Good luck and look after yourself.

Hi Best,
I have not commented so far because of some of the hot air being spouted about attachment parenting.
I am a Granny who "childminds" her grandson. I look after him 3/4 days a week as my son has gone back to University. I am 54 and this is no problem. if I look after him at night and am woken then I have to get a nap the next day. I have looked after him baby and toddler and baby is more exhausting than toddler. I presume your mother has little interim child are experience. I have a nine year old.
Las week I looked after my other grandson 24/7 while his parents went on holiday and I am absolutely exhausted and still recovering. The 5am starts take their toll even if the child sleeps through. He is 23 months.
Your mother will be used to a routine and if she has a husband, he will be expecting things to be as they were. I think people say things with the best of intentions and do not realise how hard it is.
This baby will be a grenade thrown into your life. It may take more than 12 weeks to recover and you may re-evaluate your life plans but you will all survive.

I spent four days a week with my grandparents when I was very young (my mum was widowed) - the arrangement worked very well and I grew up with a very close relationship with both my GPs and my mum. Interestingly my mum now says she hadn't really appreciated how hard it must have been for her own mother to go back to being a full time care giver.

From what you have said it sounds like a very sensible idea and one which a lot of families do already.

Congrats, OP. :)

What a situation! First off, I think the people asking why you would keep the baby are being a bit insensitive. I support women making the choices that are right for them. I, personally, could never face an abortion so if I got accidentally pregnant (which I have, he's six now) I'd have no other choice.

I know a little boy who lived with his grandparents while his mother was off completing her college degree. He is lovely and surrounded by people who adore him.

The thing I would advise is to wait and see a bit. When my DS was born I sort of got right down to doing things when he was tiny. Now with DD (she two months old) I am in a total haze. She's different than DS was, less portable. :) I am just knackered this time around.

Good luck! Babies are wonderful. It will be fine. :)

Btw I lived with my grandparents (and mum, though she was away often) for the first 3 years of my life. It broke my grandparents's hearts when my mum moved out, taking me with her. Going from living in a bubble where I was spoiled rotten and surrounded by family, to living with my parents who were both young and really busy, was tough for me. I had the most amazing relationship with my grandparents, but not so much with my own parents, who didn't give my needs much thought. You sound like a better parent than my parents were though!

a nannny fulltime is twice as much as a nursery in london if you are going to get a good one and pay tax and ni etc. nursery will be 1200+ full time per month; nanny 2000+

the grandma option - she has offered and it will be good for baby and mother - is by far the best option right now.

babies need consistency and sharing between grandma mother and father will be fine .

also to reiterate thinking long term about providing for child then is good thing - and yes father might step up but might not - at this point you dont know.

Op - congratulations on your pregnancy. It sounds to me like you've given it a great deal of thought and I find the posters telling you that you should give up work/not have a baby offensive.

To those suggesting a nanny - in London they are c£15 per hour gross. For a 60 hour week that's massive - even if OP is 'only' paying half.

The Grandma solution sounds like a workable one. I can see in yout position I would have felt very happy with my Mum having the baby Mon-Fri. The baby will be well cared for and you will be able to continue building your career. Nothing wrong with that.

As for the father - he can have part of some of the weekends - unless he is prepared to take the odd day off during the week to see him/her?

On the emotional front, it will be hard for you - but frankly the nursery/nanny solution would not be a bed of roses either? Personally I would be looking to take more than 12 weeks off - if you can supplement it with annual leave then go for that. And during your maternity leave, get used to leaving the baby for odd days with your parents so you all start to get used to it?

Best of luck - you sound like a very practical person. I really hope this all works out for you.

Granny definitely sounds the best option.

However, you do have to factor in that once you give birth your priorities may change completely.

Fwiw I think you are doing what all of us strive to do, our best. That's all you can do. Just be ready to change frequently. Ultimately you won't get it all right all of the time but most of it much of it. And that will be fine.

Good luck op. best wishes for your future

Attachment theory is pop-psychology myth. This is done all around the world, and people grow up as adjusted human beings with good relationships with their parents.

Could you explain what you mean about attachment theory being a myth?

And could you link to the research on "adjusted human beings", whatever those are?

I see several posters - not yet grandparents - who assert that they'd do the same for their daughter if the need arose. I imagine we'd all say the same thing; but believe me, the rose-tinted spectacles soon disappear, no matter how good the intention or healthy the grandparents.

The reality is that neither mother nor grandmother will be able to visualise the impact on her life until the baby arrives.