'Giving' baby to granny?

[Bestforbaby]

Bit of backstory: relationship breakdown, subsequent discovery of unplanned pregnancy which I have decided to keep. The father wants to be part of the baby's life when it arrives.

I am in London, and to carry on working in my field I need to stay in London. The father is also in London. I work fulltime, 8-7ish, plus some evenings and weekends. Giving up work/going part-time is not an option for financial reasons. I might be able to work from home a bit, but not sure yet.

I have been looking at London nurseries etc, fulltime care for the baby from about 12 weeks.

My parents live about 2 hours from London, and are retired. My mum offered yesterday to look after the baby fulltime during the week at their home. It is just too far for me to commute daily, I'd never see baby awake, and it would be nearly impossible for the father to have a relationship with the baby. Initially I thought she was mad, as I did not decide to keep the baby to never see it.

But then I thought maybe I am being selfish, and if the baby cannot have me 24/7, maybe it would be best to have my mum, rather than being one of many at a nursery. She was brilliant when I was little, and they have a big garden, parks nearby etc, and, most importantly, time. By being able to stay in a smaller flat and not paying childcare I'd be able to save up enough to do really nice things with the baby when we are together, whereas both living in London we are not going to have much (any) spare cash. Then when the baby is school-age the plan would be to come 'back' to London.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience of a similar situation, or bright ideas? I want to do the best I can for my baby (who doesn't?), and maybe that is not being with me at the moment

You need to start thinking about what the baby needs, rather than what is best for the father or your career.

This ^^

Sorry. But I think you are totally underestimating the emotional aspects (both for you, and the baby) and how hard being a mum is (especially in the early days). I literally get nothing work related done with the baby in the house. Nothing.

Move jobs. Move to a cheaper area. You will get support as a single parent - lots more than poor couples get. Live more frugally. Your baby should be your priority. Not worrying about your career. Insist on going part-time or leave. If you're that senior (just summising?) then your skills should be transferable. Part of being a mum is being less selfish imo.

OP -i have not been in your position so can't comment except to say that due to my extreme old age I had my children before the current system of maternity provisions and so went back to work when they were 12 weeks old. Despite this, and having a job with similar hours to yours, my daughters appear to have developed quite normally. I did find it hard some days - but then life wasn't always perfect before. Good luck.

As a very involved granny myself (mid-sixties, very fit), I'd urge caution. Your mother may be much younger, of course, and have loads of energy - but caring for a tiny baby day and night is a huge commitment, no matter how much one loves one's child and grandchild. You are both likely to encounter all sorts of problems you hadn't envisaged.

The baby will be your child, yes, but will effectively be brought up by your parents - it's not as though you'll even be seeing her/him mornings and evenings. I'm saying this because your username implies you want what's "best for baby" - and it sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. Your baby won't care whether you have extra money to do "really nice things" with her or him - from the baby's point of view, you'll just be someone who visits at weekends and takes her/him out. I don't think you're going to know how that feels until you've given birth and cared for the baby for the first weeks, but be prepared to feel very torn about it.

There's no chance the baby's father could change his work pattern to enable him to do his share during the week? Otherwise, you're both going to have to juggle weekend access - another possible source of friction.

Having said all that, if the only option is full-time nursery for a tiny baby, then I guess granny is better, though you'd need to look at how it would work if your parents wanted to get away/have a holiday etc.

Hi op, it sounds like you are trying really hard to be as practical and sensible as possible in a less than ideal situation. I agree with pp that 12 weeks really really isn't long enough mat leave, especially when your situation means you then won't see baby for several nights every week. Your ex (from your posts) sounds like he is being fairly reasonable - can you speak to him about financial support to enable you to have longer at home. I see what you're saying about wanting to get on with it and not delay the inevitable but I'm fairly confident you won't feel like that once baby is here. And bear in mind you'll start mat leave probably 2 weeks before due date/baby could be 2 weeks late so potentially you could be going back to work with an 8 week old.
I worked very hard for my career before children - think 7 years studying, 50-60 hour weeks etc. My job was all I wanted to do and I loved it. I intended to work 4 days a week after baby so I didn't lose out professionally. My mum offered childcare the day she heard I was pregnant! She encouraged me to work as much as I wanted and offered to cover all of it. She bought a cot for her house so ds could sleep over. The reality was that as a gp she found it much harder than she ever expected. She is a fantastic grandparent and sees them probably 3 times a week (with me) but can only manage 1 day a week of actual childcare or she is exhausted. She is 57 btw so not old, worked as a nurse and a carer before retiring and is trained as a childminder! Ds 1 is 5 and I could count on one hand how many times she has had him overnight. I don't mean to
sound ungrateful, I'm really not, I'm just making the point that most grandparents would seriously struggle to provide the amount of childcare your mum has offered for any length of time.
Best of luck op, I really hope you find a solution that works for everyone.

You will get tax credits while off work, these will make a massive difference to your income, plus if you're renting, you may be entitled to housing benefit?

waffly - In what way is that study relevant to the OP?

OP ..I am a very hands on Gran, but would urge great caution here. I think you are trying to be highly practical, but that your first instinct was right .... it is not selfish to want to be closer to your small baby. And you want to be "Mum" - not a visitor in your baby's life.
If Mum was 5 minutes away, I would think it was still a bit iffy to have your new baby live there, but 2 hours drive is a long long way.

Honestly, I would ask your Mum if she would consider staying with you during the week, while the baby is young. Or seriously consider getting a decent nanny.

All you people spouting off about 'what is best for the baby, not your career' are aware that millions of people in many other cultures around the world leave their children to spend the majority of their time with the grandparents in order to provide a future for themselves?

Sure, there are other options, but frankly, I can see why chucking in a job in the middle of a recession in order to work part time (like that is going to magically fall in your lap) and then simply picking up where you left off a few years down the track is, shall we say, oversimplifying things a bit?

OP, I think it's a good option, particularly if you have a good and close relationship with your parents, and can work together to raise your child for the first years. I think it's a better option than full time daycare for a little baby. That said plenty of children develop perfectly well with full time quality child-care. You just need to be sure of the quality.

How old is your mum OP?

Tough situation - but I agree with those who say that it's not that uncommon to have a grandparent raise a child, and if your work commitments are 8-7pm plus occasional evening and weekend, then you would need to pay for a nanny on top of nursery which would be crippling (although, perhaps you work in finance / other well paid industry and this isn't the case). But from experience, once you have this baby which at the moment you have an abstract attachment to, I promise you'll feel this surge of crazy protective mad maternal love like nothing you have ever felt before and so when it comes to it, leaving your baby will be really quite difficult.

You'll get help with costs.You should take the full maternity leave and then perhaps revert to this arrangement when you need to go back to work.

This is but one time in your life that you can never get back. Work will always be there, your baby will if they are healthy and normal, grow up very very quickly and you'll wonder how you missed it all.

My DS is starting school soon. I had to leave him with family when he was nearly 2 for a number of reasons in London including fleeing an abusive relationship, becoming very unwell myself, having repeated childcare breakdowns and long long hours of work. It's been very difficult indeed. If I could go back and change things, I would not have done that. He is happy when he is with them, but always on edge and unsettled, he doesn't understand why it had to happen. I have found it near impossible, and transitioning back to having him full time is very difficult too. Don't do it unless you are completing professional training on a time limit, if you are in your career but could take time out then you should take that time out.

If you can find childcare in London that is reliable and fits your hours, definitely that should be your first choice.

If I was in your situation I would

1. try to compress your hours over 4 days, giving you a long weekend with your baby. 2)stretch mat leave as far as possible. 3)get ex to pay for a childminder every Monday (for eg). So baby stays with you sunday night as well to take pressure off your mum. Then you could take baby to grandparents or your mum could come to you Monday night to take over until Thursday night. A childminder gives you an extra option if grandparents are poorly or just need a break.
2. try to go self employed ASAP (if that is your long term plan) and definitely before baby is in full time school.

If you do do it, though I'd say find childcare instead - make sure you religiously commit to having your baby with you every single weekend so there is less uncertainty for the child and they are used to being with you, preferably in your own home. Never let this slide no matter if it puts your family out in some way or another.

An okay idea in theory.

My perhaps paranoid concern would be that what happens if your situation changes and you want to bring your baby home, but your mum no longer wants to pass over the baby she is effectively bringing up.

What happens if you only see the baby at weekends, but then the father wants it every other weekend?

If I were you I couldn't do it because of these factors. There will be benefits you're entitled to.

But it's a perfectly okay choice.

Not sure exactly what you're after FasterStronger - research that fathers who are more involved in caring for their children have more secure attachments with them?

How about this: "As could be predicted from the theory, paternal involvement as measured by engagement in caregiving activities was significantly and positively related to attachment security with fathers. Fathers who provided regular care to their children had children whose security scores were higher than children whose fathers were less involved."

That's from "Paternal Involvement and Infant-Father Attachment" by Caldera.

Its a tough situation.

I have been in a similar position. I was in an on/off relationship with baby's father. Worked full time hours similar to the ones you do and was in line for a huge promotion when I found out I was pg.

I thought I could do it all and that was having baby close by with her father. I thought I could leave her with him, work F/T as before and have the baby. I was luckier than you in some ways as babys father was quite happy to give up work an stay at home with her.

I worked until the day before I had my C Section and went back to work (initially P/T) when DD was about 3 weeks old, went full time when she was about 6 weeks? I know I missed my sign off appt with midwife or HV for her 6 week check and exp did it.

In reality I hated every single minute of it. Even though I now had the role I had worked towards for 5 years. I hated not seeing DC and I hated that her father made all her decisions and that he was seeing the milestones and not me.

After 4 months I resigned, left the city I was in and moved me and DD back to my mums. I found p/t work in a bar and then in a butchers. Saved up the deposit and first months rent and rented somewhere around the corner from my mum. DD went to nursery 3 days a week and I got tax credits and wages.

It was tight to manage. But I did. I left everything, job, friends, home,sold my car etc etc. And for the first month I was terrified I had made the wrong decision. But I quickly realised that there is more to life than a career and money and a nice house and car and clothes.

9 years on and I am in a happy relationship and expecting DC 2 in december. DD is a happy, confident, loving little girl. I have my own business and work from home. I don't earn anywhere as near as much as what I could do BUT we are comfortable now.

Your career is probably the most important thing to you right now and you will be desperate to keep it right now. But when that baby comes along your priorities will change drastically.

Your mum sounds very supportive. Mine was as well but also worked f/t and my stepfather was very ill too so I had to rely on nursery. If I were you I'd be looking at moving closer to your mum and having her support but work less hours. Even if it means starting again in a different career or just finding a job until your DC is older.

Good luck whatever you decide. And make your decisions based on whats best for you and the baby not the babys father. If he is going to be a part of your DCs life then a commute every other weekend won't end that.

It's against the law in the UK to go back to work less than 6 weeks after the birth, I'm sure.

I have been in a similar situation to you, and I do agree that once you are holding your baby it is terribly hard to pass them over to anyone. Having said that, if I was going to pass my baby to anyone, then it would definitely be my mother!

Honestly, why don't you try it, see how you get on. Your mum sounds lovely and relationships with grandparents are sooooo important.

Sorry have struggled to keep up with full thread, but PeterParker is right - small babies DO attach to their 'primary carer' very quickly and need that person to be constant, or they experience loss and they grieve.

You'd have to decide which of you it was going to be - and the primary carer would have to be present most of the time, you can't just take a baby away from their 'person' for a day or two at a time, not till they're a bit older - maybe a year or so.

2 weeks Waffly, or 6 weeks in a factory.

Ok, thanks for the input.

1. I will look into going back to work only part-time, say 3 days a week, from 3 months, then more later.
2. And also at compressing hours.
3. I will ask the father if he'd be prepared to do one weekday a week. (The answer will almost definitely be no, but I feel I should make absolutely sure?)
4. I will see if I can work from home one or two days a week when I am fulltime, so at least I get to see the baby/have lunch together etc, even if my mum is looking after it those days 5)My mum is 65. I think fulltime would be too much, even if she says it would not be? 6)it seems the consensus is that a childminder is a better option than a nursery for the days that I/my mum can't do?

Maybe weeks could alternate with baby being with her at her home on their days, or at mine?

So, assuming work agree, initially that would be my mum for two days and a childminder for one, then later upping the CM to two days, and hoping to do 5 days of working hours across 4 actual days plus the odd hour here and there.

I really don't think there'd be any point me trying to do a whole day of working from home when in charge of baby, the odd hour maybe, but not a whole day.

Does this seem more sensible?

What about moving closer to your parents so the commute is not so long to get the baby at the beginning and end of the day. That way the rent might be cheaper too so maybe you could drop down a day work. Could you apply for jobs in the same field but nearer your parents?

I'd suggest combining the things suggested here, and don't "bite the bullet" -- prolong, prolong, prolong! It will be worth it because it sounds like it will make the difference between getting the self-employed career long-term, with your baby with you, vs not. If you can get the baby to 16-24 weeks using savings, going back part time 1-2 days/week just for the 12-16 week period, your DM coming down a little more just for 2 weeks, father's annual leave, etc, then your baby will be 5-6 months, weaning, by the time you need more nursery/childminder. You could do a 7-7 nursery or CM a couple days a week (there's a 7-7 nursery at Angel that a friend of mine loved, though it's not cheap), 4 days/week, and work from home a 5th day, or take that day off. Or you could get an au pair and work 3-4 really long days. Or your baby could then spend just 2 -3 days /week at your Mum's combined with a part-time nanny.. You can combine these things and patch something together that works. Some council-run nurseries have discounts that you might be eligible for, too... though they are not typically 7-7.

The problem with this particular job is that unless you are self-employed, there really aren't jobs in the field not in London.

I would definitely avoid nursery if it's going to be long hours in the first 18 months if you can. Maybe part time nursery after that, but it really isn't the optimum environment for a baby.