'Giving' baby to granny?

[Bestforbaby]

Bit of backstory: relationship breakdown, subsequent discovery of unplanned pregnancy which I have decided to keep. The father wants to be part of the baby's life when it arrives.

I am in London, and to carry on working in my field I need to stay in London. The father is also in London. I work fulltime, 8-7ish, plus some evenings and weekends. Giving up work/going part-time is not an option for financial reasons. I might be able to work from home a bit, but not sure yet.

I have been looking at London nurseries etc, fulltime care for the baby from about 12 weeks.

My parents live about 2 hours from London, and are retired. My mum offered yesterday to look after the baby fulltime during the week at their home. It is just too far for me to commute daily, I'd never see baby awake, and it would be nearly impossible for the father to have a relationship with the baby. Initially I thought she was mad, as I did not decide to keep the baby to never see it.

But then I thought maybe I am being selfish, and if the baby cannot have me 24/7, maybe it would be best to have my mum, rather than being one of many at a nursery. She was brilliant when I was little, and they have a big garden, parks nearby etc, and, most importantly, time. By being able to stay in a smaller flat and not paying childcare I'd be able to save up enough to do really nice things with the baby when we are together, whereas both living in London we are not going to have much (any) spare cash. Then when the baby is school-age the plan would be to come 'back' to London.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience of a similar situation, or bright ideas? I want to do the best I can for my baby (who doesn't?), and maybe that is not being with me at the moment

New to the thread OP. But your latest suggestion seems to give a better work/family balance than before.

It will give you the opportunity to see the baby more often. As others have said though, I do caution that you may feel very differently once you are holding that little person in your arms.

Good luck with getting something sorted out.

Have you investigated the rental prices and commute times/costs for moving much nearer to your parents? If your mum is looking after the baby, or at least doing wraparound care after a nurery/CM, then it woudn't matter if you were getting home after the baby has gone to bed. You could work on the train. But you'd obviously be much nearer to your baby and perhaps be able to share drop-offs, pick-ups and care with your mum?

I think the success of a solution like this depends on tour relationship with your folks and lots of communication regarding all parenting/caring decisions. My parents look after my babies while I work and It has been really good. I know my mum worries that I'll feel resentful of them spending more time with her than me, but I take an awful lot of comfort from the fact that my children are taken care of by people who love them. It makes me very happy that they have such a closeness to their gps.

It wasn't an option for me to give up work etc so it was nursery or GPs. There was no contest really. I would say this though - since having DD last year they have found looking after ds (3) and her pretty tiring but ds starts preschool soon so that will make things easier.

If you have a great relationship with your folks and they will respect your wishes etc go for it - at least for a trial period.

I agree that your latest suggestion seems more workable long term for all of you. try not to commit yourself to a date for returning to work until after you've had the baby though. We use nursery now and dc love it but a childminder is a bit more of a homely environment for such a young baby Which is probably why people are suggesting it more.

It sounds sensible'ish...... although the chances of getting any work done at home when you have a 3 month old are pretty remote. As are the chances of compressing your existing hours into 4 days, when the hours are already very long ....and doesn't take into account that you will have a baby to care for when you are at home. Certainly talking to work now about the maximum possible maternity leave, and every potential reduction in hours, is the best bet.
At 65, I genuinely don't think your mum will cope well with a baby 24/7 (I know you would be there for 2 days, but the baby would still be in the house). I am a decade younger, very hands on as a GP...but full time would exhaust me very quickly. We are willing slaves ....but have poor memories for the exhausting reality of full on mothering.

As has been said, you will feel very very differently when your little one is here in the world, so sensible planning is a smart move but do be prepared for all your reactions to "shift" in the coming months.

froubylou () makes very valid points.

Honestly. I would echo the several people who suggest seeing how it goes, but creating a backup plan of moving somewhere close to your parents, and working locally, so your mum could become a 9-5 childminder (which is very do'able as a active Gran) The lower salary will be easily offset by what you won't have to pay on external support.

With grandparents I think one of the issues could really be night wakings. My parents have always been hands-on and have had the baby several times for a few days and nights and they are exhausted by the end of it. Daytime childcare is easier, especially if they are both at home.

Agree that your later proposal sounds more workable. I also agree that while there's no point having a 'work from home' day when you are also caring for the baby - as other posters have pointed out, you'll probably get no work done anyway - it could be nice to work from home at your parents' place. I love the days when DH works from home, it gives a bit of backup to allow me to make urgent phone calls, go to the loo in peace etc, and is also lovely for he and DS as they get to spend extra time together at lunch and instead of the morning and evening commute.

Last thing - in your last post you mention asking the father about shared care, but still nothing about the financials. How will be helping? If he has a full time job and is in a financial position to cover childcare costs then he should be in a position to help significantly with the financial challenges of the early months with you on leave, plus the long term as this child goes to school and onwards. The longer you wait to set this up, the harder it will get.

I haven't said anything about finances from the father because to be honest I haven't really considered it in detail. He has only said he will pay half the childcare costs, and that he wants to be as involved as possible.

I took that to mean that he'd want to see baby as much as possible, even if half the time is not practical, and that that would therefore be his contribution, and he'd pay for everything needed his end, and I would on mine. Is this unrealistic? Overall, because he will be the one taking baby to visit his side of the family who are overseas, his costs will be higher.

He did say once that if my mother did some of the childcare, he would pay half the cost of any top up (which is about what we'd be due via CSA anyway if we went down that route), but nothing further. Surely I cannot expect him to compensate me for massively reducing my earnings if I am the one choosing to work less hours. Have I misunderstood? This is (obviously!) all new to me...

You massively reducing your work hours is what is best for his baby - of he wants his baby to have more time with its mother, why wouldn't he support that financially?

I think you need to hammer out what he means to offer. It might sound awful when you are, by the sounds of it, getting along OK and talking sensibly about this. But yes, if the decision is that the baby lives with you as the f/t carer (ignoring your parents for the moment) then he needs to actually say what he wants to do. He needs to say how often he thinks he will see the baby, how often he thinks he will have the baby to stay with him once that is appropriate, and most importantly, he needs to say how much money he is willing to give. Simply covering half of the childcare costs is vague and unreliable. If you cut your hours and your income, he should be helping with that.

Surely I cannot expect him to compensate me for massively reducing my earnings if I am the one choosing to work less hours

Yes you bloody well can. If you were living together, this is exactly how it should work. If one parent decides to reduce their hours to look after the child and cut childcare costs, that means the overall family income changes, not one spouses income (just look at all the threads on MN about this).

In fact, though this conversation could be difficult, I would expect to actually have a specific contribution from him every month. This is his child too, and he wants to be involved then he needs to accept the financial hit every parent gets. If you are formula feeding, he needs to be helping to pay for that. All the stuff you need to buy for the baby - potentially twice as much stuff, as both your flat and your parents house needs everything - he needs to pay for half of it.

"Of course I'll help out" is a nice comment, but it's not enough to make plans on.

New to thread but I think you shouldn't let go of your career. Push the baby's dad more, if he can't do one day in the week, can he do half a day?
What about his family? If he's happy to pay childcare, you should see if your mum can find a nursery place a few mornings or days a week to give her a break. Can you move closer to your mum so half way between work and her house? Whilst babies need to be well looked after, be aware that ime leaving then in nursery once they know you gets harder and harder, i tried it and emotionally it was a nightmare. Personally, I'd look at relocating close to your parents and getting a career going there, but that's hindsight for you. Good for them btw, they sound fantastic.

Ps I agree, I'd go further, you need legal advice about what he ought to pay, and you need to email/write to him, he has an obligation and loose arrangements won't work for your job.

Thurlow I'm probably being a bit clueless, but are you sure that it's the same in a situation where you are no longer with your partner, and have never been married (e.g where you would claim a maintenance allowance)?
I know in principle OP should be financially supported by her ex, but in practice, what is the law? Again, I'm completely clueless and I'm sure there are legal provisions in place for exactly this situation.

I think if you've not been married then he doesn't owe anything to support you, just the child - it's if you have been married that you can claim he needs to help support you too. But I only think that!

I possibly worded my reply wrongly, but what I meant essentially was that he should agree a set amount every month to help with the baby. Legally, no, the OP couldn't claim for her reduction in earnings. Morally, if he is happy to have this baby, then he needs to think about a regular and honest financial commitment that takes into account the fact that the OP may be reducing her salary. As it all sounds quite amicable at the moment, it seems better to discuss it than to go straight to the CSA. Though having something legal in writing would probably be helpful.

Loose arrangements when you're amicable may seem the best way forward at the moment, but OP, you are looking at the next eighteen years and it would be sensible to have real, if possible legal, arrangements in place to cover all eventualities. There's a high chance that at some point both of you will meet new partners and may have new children, and things will change.

Well said Thurlow - it's definitely best to have some sort of written agreement in place. Especially when either OP or her ex starts seeing someone new and has a new family to think about.

Hiya loads of great and varied advice here already. My tuppence worth is
a) 2 hours in the car is a long time for a little baby
b) hormones: I started to 'calm down' and get back to being me again at about 5months - but I expect everyone is different. The first few weeks were really bad - baby in a different aisle at the supermarket 9with DH, so perfectly fine) was traumatic! I kid you not. Now I have had PFB I am so glad I didn't go back to work at 16 weeks, it would have been hell on earth for both of us. I guess that if circumstances had forced me I would have survived, but still.
I didn't expect such a strong attachment (its hormones - we are programmed for it). I cried throughout the nappy changes when she cried for the first week!

Another thing to factor is a "get out" for your parents. They need to be able to tell you if it's getting too much.

65 is young but sleepless nights and full on childcare is exhausting in your 30s so I imagine in your 60s it could, possibly, bring you to your knees.

I'd hate to think of them struggling to cope and not telling you because they might feel that would be letting you down and would cause you problems with your job.

the father pays child maintenance whch can be based on CSA ie for the child. none to mother they never been married.

op - yo need ot find a way to reduce your work hours once baby is here.

i dont see it as an issue if grandma looks afte baby during week, but if you could fnish up early on a friday/start lat eno mondya that would help. also if baby ouside london how willl dad see him/her during the week?

babies need attachment to their primary carers, this could be mum and dad or mum and grandma or mum and childminder/nanny etc. it is not evil or bad if grandma does large chunk of the caring.

but you ned to have plans b and c as it may look different when baby is born.

as single mum o be i is better you take long term view of your eanrng capacity and find a way to keep your career - that is not selfish it is sensible. and while baby is small it may in fact be easier - when child is older is when they need you as mum more. but - as you pointed out - by putting in hours now you may be able to relax them later (and probably still be earning reasonably)

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so excited for you. Babies rock!

I think your plans sound fine. Think the key as others have said is just to have your plan B and C in place as your attitude and outlook will almost definitely change.

This time last year I was moaning on MN about the lack of 7-7 nurseries. Now I have an amazing six mo old who has such a big personality and is such great company. I'm seriously considering going part time when I go back which was such a no no for me before.

See how you feel. And make sure you get maintenance from dad. The average woman loses 80% of her earning power when she has a baby. That isn't fair and it's right that until society fixes that, fathers need to help mitigate.

Hope the remainder of your pregnancy goes well. Love to you and your family.

Go for it. You have a solution and I'm sure it will work. The main thing is that you and your mum are flexible if you change your mind.

How well off are your parents? Could they give you a loan if you did want to take a year off. Then they could resume looking after little one when he/ she is a year old....

I honestly think it'll be a nightmare. My pil are fab and even they managed only 2 days of looking after my dds when younger and that was only 9-5. I don't see how a 8-7pm lifestyle can ever work as a single mother and feel you are getting too much hope here. If you were in a relationship etc and another parent was available then different but basically the baby is going to be passed around between different options to fit in with your working hours. I understand you have good intentions.

It's not even a short term. What happens when they go to school as the schoolday is 9-3 ish? Will your child be in full time wrap around care everyday? If the father decides to see the child one saturday per week or go for more access than that legally, you could end up with less than a few hours a week with your child? I don't see how this can work at all. My kids are both in primary school and our evenings are full from 4pm afterwards with homework, school activities etc. long term as a single parent you will need to change jobs eventually. You can of course try this but I honestly think you need to readdress your priorities (not being mean!). You will find it all much more stressful after the baby is born compared to sorting things now.

I'd move back to your parents, I honestly don't think you have any other choice.

Would your mum come from Sunday to Tuesday and maybe have a nanny the other 3 days splitting the cost with baby's dad?

Yes, just to say, pre baby I thought you had the baby and carried on with your career but I've changed my work plans many times since I had dd. be careful not to trap yourself into a mindset where you feel you can't make different choices once you get into it as that's where the stress comes. It is all worthwhile though, you seem very sensible and capable.

it is too much to ask of your mum at her age, and not fair.

posters suggesting your mum comes to stay with you- even more unfair on her. why should a 65 year old woman be uprooted from her own home because you're not prepared to modify your career plan?

my mum is same age as yours. my daughter us nearly 3. mum babysits occasionally during the day/evening. I have never left my daughter with her overnight because I don't think it's reasonable to expect a pensioner to get up 3 times a night.

you got pregnant by accident (as did I) and decided to keep the baby (as did I). but your life is never going to be the way you envisioned it before. it's nOt about small tweaks, it changes everything.

Are you able to afford a nanny?

Personally I prefer nurseries to childminders as I think they are more sociable. It depends on the nurseries that are near you - we have an excellent one near us that I used.